I am going to be honest in this. It might be triggering for some.
My mother was overbearing to my brother.
She was overly invested in him even when he was well into adulthood. She pitied him for being male and she did everything for him.
If the two of us got sick or broke, she only ever really cared for him.
She did everything for him - cooking and cleaning and paying bills and allowed everything free with no consequences.
He took advantage of that.
He became rude and obnoxious. He had girlfriend at one stage. My mother never left her true feelings known to him but I knew then. I saw it in her face that would stew every time he brought her home. She hated the girlfriend.
I think my mother saw her as a threat.
He was bad at one point with his drinking/drugs. He used to drive home in a state and not even know his name or where is phone was or where his car keys were even though he drove his vehicle home.
My mother always blamed the girlfriend for him and his bad way even though I never saw her in a bad way. She just refused to believe that he was responsible for himself. Eventually he lost his girlfriend and his job. I knew then, it was an addiction he had.
Eventually he got a chance to get a visa and go away abroad.
Since he left my mother hasn't been the same. She's pining for him. She does things aimlessly around the home.
For example she was wiping shoes with baby wipes then she took a pile of used baby wipes and wiped the counters down with the same baby wipes before wiping the the outside and the inside of some of the kitchen appliances with the same wipes. I just thought it was fairly mindless.
Even before he left I had suspicions that maybe she was going senile.
There was a few things happening that wasn't quite right with her. Aside from her obsession with my brother there was a few things not quite right. I think maybe there was something happening like the possibility of a dementia brewing for a long time but maybe she was living her life through my brother and it wasn't seen or observed a few years ago because her focus was on him. I remember an incident a few years ago from her.
I received an email from my aunt - her sister who lives abroad.
Work had me booked for a stint but when I became free I did tell my mother about the email from the aunt. She lost the plot at me. She was shouting and raging and fuming because I got an email from the aunt and in her words I didn't tell her but thats not what happened. I did tell her when I was free to do it. It wasn't on the exact minute the email came in but she was told about the email.
It was unreasonable.
I let my brother know last summer that there were things happening at home and our mother wasn't behaving normally for the past few months and I told them that I am not qualified to diagnosis but it looks to me maybe it's some form of a dementia brewing with her.
At this stage I would put money on a dementia happening with our mother but she's not too far gone down the rabbit hole a dementia progression.
My brother is talking about gaining sponsorship from his employer abroad.
I know I should be happy for him but to be honest I am somewhat resentful of it.
I think it's only a matter of time before things will progress with our mother. I think it's unfair that the load of caring will fall on me by default because I am still at home. I think it should be shared between us.
I think he could set up a life at home for himself and he doesn't need to move across the world for work. There were opportunities available at home at the time if he choose to seek them out but he choose something different and a life of drink and drugs at the time.
I know my mother isn't too far deep in this suspicion of a dementia just yet but I think it's happening. There was an incident yesterday at home and I realise now that I won't be able to care for her.
She has no Internet skills and she decided she wanted me to help her with some internet shopping.
I told her that I wasn't able to do it today (as in yesterday).
I was sick and I didn't have the money in my account either. Usually when I help her with the Internet shopping like that, the process can take hours.
I would have been looking at 4 or 5 hours yesterday.
I was too unwell to do Internet shopping for her.
The stuff she wanted wasn't urgent.
I was telling her I will help her but will be mid week.
She wasn't able to understand it. She wasn't able to tolerate a 'no'. She was shouting and being rude and disrespectful to me and it reminded me of a temper tantrum from a toddler.
It dawned on me then. She wasn't able to be reasoned with and it's just something else to add to the suspension of dementia.
My brother doesn't believe me when I am talking and trying to raise awareness that there's something happening.
He says she sounds fine on the phone whenever he calls.
AIBU to expect him to come home. Not now but maybe do another year on the visa and then return home and share the load of any of the caring work.
There was an incident last week where it my mother wants to sign the family home over to my brother.
This is just quite simply sickening to me. There will likely come a time where she will need more care and I will probably be expected to do it all while I get nothing in return except for grief. I get a sense she doesn't appreciate it me at home. Even though I am providing company and help. She had no respect for me yesterday and it was rich considering she wanted me to spend my money on her wants. All she wants is my brother.