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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Issue with neighbour

129 replies

user01082312345 · 27/02/2023 13:43

My husband and I recently moved into what I suppose you would call a triplex apartment (we have neighbours who live upstairs and below). In the contract we signed, the landlord was very strict about no smoking and no dogs in the building, which is perfect since we're nonsmokers and we have a 2.5 year old son. The first day we moved in, the entrance smelled strongly of cigarette smoke which I was disappointed about since one of the reasons we chose this particular building was it's no smoking policy. We weren't sure which neighbour it was, so we messaged the landlord who immediately got back to us and said he would contact the tenants to remind them not to smoke. Afterwards, the downstairs neighbour approached my husband (she lives with her boyfriend and two kids, around 9/10 years old), and apologised for having smoked inside. She said she usually smokes on the balcony, but she was drunk celebrating the New Year. We said no problem, but then a few weeks later the entrance smelled of smoke again. It was a really cold day, so we guessed she just didn't want to go out on her balcony to smoke. Even still, my son's health is really important to me, and since the landlord was coming to visit us about another issue, my husband once again mentioned it to him. Again, he reminded the neighbours not to smoke. Since then, the woman neighbour doesn't smile or return our greetings, so I'm guessing she's pissed we 'snitched' on her. Not long after, they got a dog which is also against the building rules. The dog occasionally barks and whines, and has almost woken DS up from his naps during the weekend, and it also barks at us when we're getting into our car and it's tethered on a leash outside. My son is well behaved for a toddler and rarely throws tantrums, and if he does we deal with it pretty quickly. However, he is an early riser, and he is usually up between 5-6am most mornings. When he wakes up, I try and keep him occupied in his room with his toys and whatnot and stop him from making too much noise until it's time to get dressed and have breakfast, but he's still an active toddler, and sometimes he'll drop a toy on the floor, or run around. On two occasions now, the neighbour below has banged on her ceiling when my son was being 'too noisy.' It happened again this morning when he ran from his room to the kitchen (he wasn't wearing shoes, he was still in his pjs), and it was 6:20. It's half-term here so the neighbour's kids will be off school and I guess the neighbour was still in bed, but my toddler doesn't know that! It really pissed my husband off that she knocked, so he knocked back. I'm not a confrontational person and I was hoping to have good relations with our neighbours. I also thought she would be more understanding having two kids of her own. Like, how quiet were her kids when they were toddlers? Has anyone been in a similar situation and do you think she's overreacting? I now dread the early mornings and I panic every time DS makes a noise, thinking the neighbour is going to make a complaint. If she does, then I'll be tempted to tell the landlord about their pet dog!

OP posts:
user01082312345 · 27/02/2023 20:16

So I think the 'disturbance' my kid made early this morning and my husband's response (he banged on the floor back) triggered something in her, because I can smell cigarette smoke again. What a lovely woman.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 27/02/2023 20:20

user01082312345 · 27/02/2023 20:16

So I think the 'disturbance' my kid made early this morning and my husband's response (he banged on the floor back) triggered something in her, because I can smell cigarette smoke again. What a lovely woman.

I expect she's smoking because she feels tense.

user01082312345 · 27/02/2023 20:21

She can be 'tense' out on her balcony. Or maybe she could take her dog for a walk and be tense in the park!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 27/02/2023 20:25

user01082312345 · 27/02/2023 20:21

She can be 'tense' out on her balcony. Or maybe she could take her dog for a walk and be tense in the park!

Or you and your husband and child could stop making her life a misery.

user01082312345 · 27/02/2023 20:30

And how are we doing that? My child dared run in the apartment this morning. He's since been at nursery all day, while I've worked quietly from home and my husband sleeps. Oh the horror.

OP posts:
blackbeardsballsack · 27/02/2023 20:37

I would definitely find the odd smell of cigarettes in the hall and a dog barking occasionally much more tolerable than listening to a toddler running around and screeching, tenancy breach or not.

Murdoch1949 · 27/02/2023 20:37

Your neighbour is pushing things. The smoking was bad enough but now the dog. I would definitely complain due to the noise. Dogs are not allowed but children are, so there's no issue with your child making normal noises.

user01082312345 · 27/02/2023 20:39

blackbeardsballsack · 27/02/2023 20:37

I would definitely find the odd smell of cigarettes in the hall and a dog barking occasionally much more tolerable than listening to a toddler running around and screeching, tenancy breach or not.

Where was it mentioned that my toddler was screeching? Stop making things up! Toddlers are allowed, smoking however is not permitted in the building! I thought there would have been a lot more understanding mums on Mumsnet!

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 27/02/2023 20:53

OP you do realise that there a lot of posters, especially on AIBU, that are not mums and have come to this forum to discuss a wide range of issues, many of which are to do with noise from neighbours or other neighbour related issues

And before you ask “well why are they on a site called Mumsnet?”, the search facility will bring up lots of threads explaining why

Nandocushion · 27/02/2023 22:46

user01082312345 · 27/02/2023 20:39

Where was it mentioned that my toddler was screeching? Stop making things up! Toddlers are allowed, smoking however is not permitted in the building! I thought there would have been a lot more understanding mums on Mumsnet!

OP MN is batshit sometimes. If you'd come on here and said "I knew when I moved in here that smoking was not allowed, but it's cold and I don't like the neighbour so sometimes I smoke inside, AIBU?" you'd have had a chorus of posters calling for your head on a platter for breaking the rules you agreed to abide by when you signed your contract.

So I'm not sure why so many people are getting pissy with you, but you're not wrong and you're not at fault. Again, I'd report both the dog and the smoking to the landlord - these are perfectly normal rules for apartments and they are not in any way hard to follow.

journeyofinsanity · 27/02/2023 22:50

Growlybear83 · 27/02/2023 14:14

I think there's a big difference between having a dog which barks occasionally and having an odd cigarette and being woken up by noise from a toddler running around band dropping things at 6 in the morning! I'm not surprised that your neighbours have banged on the ceiling - I think many people would be banging on your door at that time!

Dogs and cigarettes are not allowed in the building. Toddlers are. Big point you seem to be missing.

MumOf2workOptions · 27/02/2023 22:58

@oldblighty27
If it's bothering you that much and I have to say the smoking and dogs whining would bother me then just put your notice in and move

mdinbc · 27/02/2023 23:14

Firstly, I understand what is meant by triplex. 3 units in one building, no matter what configuration. Secondly, your rental agreement states no smoking and no dogs. You have every right to complain to the landlord.

If possible, get rugs to soften the noise from your apartment to the downstairs neighbour.

JudgeRudy · 27/02/2023 23:41

GPFavo · 27/02/2023 14:02

You sound unbelievably precious. Her having a dog doesn’t impact you at all. Her smoking very occasionally in the hall impacts you in the most minute possible way.

Being a good neighbour is about compromise and there being some give and take. If you’re going to be petty and run to the landlord every time there’s a tiny issue (instead of behaving like an adult) then don’t expect her to have any patience when you cause a disturbance. She’s being petty about the noise but you were petty first so you set the tone.

If you were that fussy about the smoking and the dog situation then you probably should’ve looked up first that it is almost impossible for the a landlord to regulate or enforce rules like that.

"Her having a dog doesn't impact on you at all"..er yes it does. Every single time they get into their car for starters.
"Her smoking impacts....in ..minute way"...does it? I'll guess you're a smoker then. It's stinks. That's not minute.
"Tiny issues"....obviously big enough for the landlord to prohibit and for OP to consider when making decisions to rent or not.

I agree with a bit of a compromise. The kid making a noise early is irritating. The smoking and the dog though isnt for OP to compromise on, it's for the landlord to sort.

PigeonPlayingChicken · 27/02/2023 23:55

MumOf2workOptions · 27/02/2023 22:58

@oldblighty27
If it's bothering you that much and I have to say the smoking and dogs whining would bother me then just put your notice in and move

Yeah, move to a building where smoking and dogs are prohibited under the terms of contract OP. Oh, wait a minute 🤔

Deadringer · 27/02/2023 23:56

I think you were too quick to complain about the smoking. You said that the entrance smelled of smoke, not that it was smokey, or that smoke was coming in under the door which frankly sounds ridiculous. It seems it only happened twice. The neighbours are pissed off and complaining in retaliation. As a pp said compromise is key when living in a shared building, or anywhere really. Your toddler is just being a toddler, the noise doesn't sound like anything out of the ordinary but their backs are up now. Perhaps you could build some bridges by being friendly and not complaining about the very occasional fag. Tbh though I think I would complain about the dog, it shouldn't be tied up outside, that sounds cruel to me.

ClairDeLaLune · 28/02/2023 00:27

user01082312345 · 27/02/2023 14:09

I think the point I'm trying to make is that they make noise (their dog barks, they shout at the dog, they argue etc) but we don't complain or bang on the wall to make it stop. We tolerate that. But they won't tolerate our toddler making noise. We only didn't tolerate the smoking because of my son's health and also my husband has asthma. The smoke fills up the entrance way and also seeps into our flat, and since DS's room is close to our apartment door, it can even get in there.

I'm a British expat living in Montreal with my Quebecois husband, so yeah in the UK it would be called a second floor flat. And here the landlord has every right to make his buildings nonsmoking. In the contract,k we signed, they can evict us if we don't adhere to the building's rules.

YABVU for calling yourself an expat. You’re an immigrant.

TheOrigRights · 28/02/2023 09:04

YABVU for calling yourself an expat. You’re an immigrant.

Can you explain this?

"The Cambridge Dictionary defines an expat as:

“someone who does not live in their own country”

And it defines an immigrant as:

“a person who has come to a different country in order to live there permanently”

So, we can see that both terms can be applied to someone that has moved out of their native country to live abroad."

Can you tell you reasons for saying OP is being VU?

tattygrl · 28/02/2023 14:00

I can see you've not taken any of the advice about extending the first hand of friendship/reconciliation. I think you're just feeling outraged and that's the end of it tbh. You've both done irritating things - the instant reporting and the early morning noise on your end, and the illicit smoking and dog owning on their end. Your best bet is to try and patch things up with her and see if you can come to an understanding, but I don't think you really want to do that.

Nokiding · 28/02/2023 14:05

You are an anti-social neighbour.

user01082312345 · 01/03/2023 14:08

Update: the neighbour knocked on our door this morning and said that his wife is out with the kids, and he has a doctor's appointment, so he'll be putting the dog in a cage when he leaves, so it may make some noise. It has been barking nonstop since. My husband took a recording. We aren't going to report it, but I feel so bad for that poor animal! Why on earth would you get a dog who needs long walks and companionship, only to keep it locked in a cage by itself? My guess is that it destroyed something while they were gone, so that's why they're keeping it in a cage from now on. The neighbour did mention he didn't want a dog, but his gf and her kids did, so I'm guessing she wears the trousers in the relationship!

OP posts:
user01082312345 · 01/03/2023 14:09

Nokiding · 28/02/2023 14:05

You are an anti-social neighbour.

Riiiiight.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 01/03/2023 14:12

Someone is knowingly breaking the terms of the building contract. Its having an impact on you. But you're going to ignore it... why?

user01082312345 · 01/03/2023 14:14

GabriellaMontez · 01/03/2023 14:12

Someone is knowingly breaking the terms of the building contract. Its having an impact on you. But you're going to ignore it... why?

To maintain good relations, prevent things from escalating and any awkwardness, and also I do feel bad about my DS getting up early on weekends even if we do our best to minimise the noise he makes. Although this morning he slept in till 6:50 which was a great improvement!

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 01/03/2023 14:18

OK... personally I'd prefer awkwardness to listening to a dog bark constantly.

But each to their own.

Your child isn't a breach of the tenancy agreement and will soon be old enough to play more quietly.