To think MIL is rubbish/favouritising

[Happygoclucky]

Husband has a sister who has a son and daughter. We have 2 sons and a daughter. MIL frequently favours her daughters children and spends lots of time with them. My children often feel like an afterthought. Most recent issue was halfterm. My MIL does not work, she chose to spend 3 out of the 5 days in the week of halfterm with her daughter and daughters DC. She didn’t ask me to come along on their days out and didn’t call or text once to arrange something with my children. Previous halfterm I asked her to spend time with myself and my DC but she had plans. She also spent time with her daughter and daughters DC that week too.
When she is around my children (when we take them to visit their gran) she is great with them and seems to care about them. Other than that she doesn’t make any effort. It is the noticeable favouring of the other grandchildren that hurts my feelings. For example she recently took her other grandkids out to the cinema, when I made it clear that my sons would have enjoyed going to the cinema too she gave me £10 to take them to see a film. The point I was making was that I wanted her to spend time with them, it seems to go over her head though.
I don’t think that she is completely oblivious to the fact that she spends more time with sister in laws DC though because if I ask her what she’s been up to (when I know she’s been out with sis in law and children) she will change the subject and will miss out the parts where she’s taken the kids out.

we have butted heads over the years over similar issues and it always ends in tears, she doesn’t take criticism well and I’m afraid of the arguments if I do speak my mind.

What does your DP think?

It’s pretty standard for mums/daughters to spend lots of time together as the grandchildren grow up if they get on. I would invite mine to loads of things that I wouldn’t have invited my MiL to as we don’t get on quite so well. You said that you’ve ‘butted heads’ before, suggesting you aren’t that close?

Does DH spend time with his mum? Invite her over etc

He has made excuses for her in the past. This time though when he witnessed her lying about going out for the day with the other kids he called her out on it and she was stunned. She didnt say much though just changed the subject. He said the fact she lied about it says that she feels guilty for not asking/seeing ours too.

Yes he spends time with her, sees her a couple of times a week and helps her out with stuff. They have a good relationship.

She feels more comfortable spending time with her own daughter than she does with you?

It’s fairly normal for mums to favour their daughter’s children. I think it’s just how it goes. What is your relationship like with her? My brother married a woman who my parents despised and when they had children they were definitely not as close with them

How old are your dc?
I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone I butted heads with; if the children are too young for her to have solo, maybe it’ll resolve with age.

It's tough but you can't force her to spend more time with your children. There is a psychological evolutionary theory that says maternal grandmothers favour children of their daughter because they are 100 percent sure they carry their genes. A Mother knows she has given birth to her own baby and you can be sure a child of your own DD is your GC. A Dad would hope he is the Father but he can never be sure as he could have been cuckolded. So paternal grandparent has risk child is not their actual grandchild because the Dad may not be the actual Dad. I do know a few families where a parent has sons and daughters and it is frequently the daughters children who are favoured. It is in unfair on the children and as they grow older they will notice their Gran favours their cousins. My first MiL very much favoured her DD children. My DC lived further from her but she was always telling them she had done this and that with their cousins. I just made sure my DC spent more time with my parents. My second MiL has always been wonderful with my children and they are not even biologically related to her as from my first marriage. For that reason alone make huge efforts with her. My children are grown up now but often travel 150 miles to go up to see their Nan. She is 82 and very glad of their visits. I have told her my children are just repaying all the love and care she has given them over the years.

It's a different kind of relationship where boundaries are not so rigid. I would never dream of just turning up at my DS house but DIL mother does and says exactly what she thinks . Personally I will hate having my MIL around . When your kids are older and don't bother with her so much then she will realise her mistake

If I was a mother in law, I’m guessing I probably wouldn’t want to spend too much time alone with a DIL who criticised me. When you say She didn’t ask me to come along on their days out and didn’t call or text once to arrange something with my children, did you ask her to come out in any of your days out? I always invited my mum to stuff. Could you have invited her to come to the cinema with you and your kids?

Two of them are old enough for her to take out without me id say. The youngest probably not but I wouldn’t mind her taking her sons and not the little one.

when she has had them in the past (if we’ve asked) I make a point of thanking her and mentioning how much the boys love spending time with her.

i want her to have a relationship with them.

I'd stop taking the kids round there. DH can take them if he wants to.

From her perspective she is spending time with her adult child and her kids. It’s a different sort of relationship to the one she has with you.

Does your dp ever arrange to do things with her and the kids?

If you want to do things with her and your kids and you know she makes plans with her daughter in advance, then contact in her plenty of time and arrange for when she is free.

I (and my kids) used to spend more time with my mum, when she was alive, than dbro or sil and their kids. But that was because I planned in advance and worked around her plans. Dbro and sil would be fairly last minute and wouldn’t wver work around mums plans.

Do you want to spend time with her altogether so she can spend time with the kids? If so, start inviting her to places with you in the Easter holidays now-make some plans.

Or is it that you want her to to take 2/all of them to provide you with some childcare? This isn’t something she has to do.

I have suggested this to my husband. He is very much of the attitude that she shouldn’t have any problem with seeing all of us together.

i think perhaps my MIL doesn’t have a great relationship with me and that’s why she keeps her distance but I honestly don’t know how I can change that. I am really polite to her and make a point of listening to her advice (parenting) and asking her opinion on
things to do with the kids (birthdays/school).

i make a note of things she likes to get for her birthdays and my husband spends lots of time with her.

so I don’t know how I can change things between the two of us.

I don’t think that should affect the children though. They love her and think a lot of her.

I would just focus on your own family and try to include/involve MIL as much as you want without feeling the need to compare her relationship with you and your DC to the relationship she has with SIL and her DC

You point out that she is good with your DC when she sees them and they enjoy spending time with her so why spoil that by obsessing about the amount of time she spends with the wider family

Its definitely not worth 'butting heads' over

Say to your DH that you don't think it's fair that she has favourites, and since you don't apparently like her, suggest that either you drop off your DCs at hers for visits or he takes them and you do your own thing.

How's your relationship with your own mother? Frankly? I loathed my MIL and didn't spend any time with her. It was a mutually satisfactory arrangement. I spend as much time with my mum, with and without my DCs as i can. My SIL? never visits my mum (nor does my brother come to that) and her relationship with the GCs on that side is all one sided and comes from my (lovely) mum.

Families are all different. Nobody is obliged to spend time with ILs (or even blood relatives) if they don't want to. Even if it puts your nose out of joint.

But sure, let's have more MIL bashing. The more the merrier.

I think you are probably right.

My mom works full time and I think I sometimes feel a little sad that I can’t spend much time with her and the kids. So I guess I am probably a bit jealous that my sister in law gets to spend lots of time with her mom and the grandkids get to see their Nan a lot.

its not for the childcare either. More for the company. It’s lovely when someone comes out with myself and the children and gets to enjoy them having a nice day together.

its not for the childcare either. More for the company. It’s lovely when someone comes out with myself and the children and gets to enjoy them having a nice day together

Oh right-your previous post was more about how she could take your older two and leave you with the young one.

In that case, text or ring her now, and start making some plans for the Easter holiday-ask if she would like to come with you and the kids for a day out to x or y? Can you collect her in the car and offer to pack a picnic?

Shes out of order. I totally understand the difference in relationship between you and her DD, there's no comparison. But her grandkids are her grandkids they shouldn't be treated any differently. If she's taking them the cinema it should be all or none.

Butted heads a very long time ago (over us asking her to spend more time with the children) she did make an effort after that.

the relationship between her and myself has gone downhill probably since lockdown and I genuinely don’t know why. She has been ‘off’ with me since then but I can honestly say hand on heart I don’t know why. I wish I had just asked in the beginning but I think a lot of time has passed since then so it’s a bit late. I think the first time I assumed she was just having an off week but her behaviour towards me never improved.

my son is her youngest and she has always been very attached to him and I got the feeling she was upset when we got to together and we moved out as a couple because she depended on him for company etc. but like I say he still sees her multiple times a week and speaks to her everyday.

how can I repair my relationship with her (bearing in mind I’m not sure why we have drifted apart?)

Sorry I meant to say my husband is her youngest

sounds like she is just spending a lot of time with her daughter, tht she is close to. She isn't going to be as close to you, is she?

Yes of course I understand that part. She spends lots of time with her daughter without the DC too (when children are at school)

its more that I would have liked her to spend time with my children in halfterm like she has with her other grandchildren.

Yes I would have liked some time to have been spent with my children that’s all. especially because my eldest are at an age that they will notice gran spending time with cousins and not them