To think MIL is rubbish/favouritising

[Happygoclucky]

Husband has a sister who has a son and daughter. We have 2 sons and a daughter. MIL frequently favours her daughters children and spends lots of time with them. My children often feel like an afterthought. Most recent issue was halfterm. My MIL does not work, she chose to spend 3 out of the 5 days in the week of halfterm with her daughter and daughters DC. She didn’t ask me to come along on their days out and didn’t call or text once to arrange something with my children. Previous halfterm I asked her to spend time with myself and my DC but she had plans. She also spent time with her daughter and daughters DC that week too.
When she is around my children (when we take them to visit their gran) she is great with them and seems to care about them. Other than that she doesn’t make any effort. It is the noticeable favouring of the other grandchildren that hurts my feelings. For example she recently took her other grandkids out to the cinema, when I made it clear that my sons would have enjoyed going to the cinema too she gave me £10 to take them to see a film. The point I was making was that I wanted her to spend time with them, it seems to go over her head though.
I don’t think that she is completely oblivious to the fact that she spends more time with sister in laws DC though because if I ask her what she’s been up to (when I know she’s been out with sis in law and children) she will change the subject and will miss out the parts where she’s taken the kids out.

we have butted heads over the years over similar issues and it always ends in tears, she doesn’t take criticism well and I’m afraid of the arguments if I do speak my mind.

MILs can’t win! Half the threads on here complain that posters MILs dare to exist and want to see their children. The other that they don’t do enough!

Since my MIL is over bearing rude and very racist my DD has always been quite pleased we lives miles away and she hardly gets to see her, She has also always favoured my SIL's kids but its never bothered us.

Don't let it get to you. Mothers and daughters are usually closer than mothers and sons where GC are concerned.

Maybe SIL is the one organising these days out? Perhaps if you organised stuff she'd be just as happy to spend time with you and your children.

I also think it's just obviously inevitable that a grandmother will be closer to her daughter than her DIL, and the time spent with each set of grandchildren will differ as a result.

However, if you can genuinely see a difference in the way they're treated when you're all together that doesn't just come down to her comfort and familiarity levels with you/your kids versus her own daughter and her daughter's children, then you're right to be upset about that.

The fact your husband financially supports her definitely sounds complicated as you say.

If you’ve butted heads and criticised her before, I can see why she may be reluctant. There was a girl I met through NCT who used to speak about her MIL in a similar way-she felt the MIL favoured her own DD and never invited her out. She kicked off once early on and demanded the MIL had her kids to ‘get to know them’ but it was without her, so more about giving her a break. When they came back, she moaned at the MIL about where they’d been, what time they slept, what MIL had fed them and what clothes they had on. I don’t think MIL volunteered to have them alone much after that!

I'm going to assume that MIL favoured her dd when they were growing up. This is a continuation of that behaviour. The children should be shielded from this.

You need to accept that you can't repair a relationship if the other person isn't interested. MIL is clearly happy with the status quo so there is nothing you can do to change that. It's not you - she'd be like that with any woman married to her son and however many kids he had. It is sad that you are bending over backwards for someone who doesn't care and will only go through the motions if you demand attention. Stop letting her take up headspace. Your h can organise gifts and take the kids to see her on the rare occasions that she's available. Detaching is the only way- there's nothing that you can do or say that will change her behaviour. The only control you have is over your own actions. This is the only way to change things.

Some people see their in-laws a couple of times a year and have a polite but distant relationship that is enough for those occasions. By lowering your expectations and giving her less headspace you can focus on what you and your family have in your life rather than what you wish to have. Nobody is going to manage to be equal to her dd and her kids. In her mind she's probably twisted things to assume that your mum will be spoiling your kids with attention the way that she does with her DD's kids. Is this pattern the same for her generation too? Did MIL's mum prefer her kids? Did MIL's MIL prefer her SIL's kids too? it's fucked up but so many families replicate messed up dynamics.

Not sure that's exactly the point. Its about the relationship between the MIL and her GCs and being fair, or at least attempting to be so, with her and them - all of them.

There is a happy medium though. It doesn't have to be only one of the two options you've suggested and in honesty, it probably is more of the happy medium (or at least going close to it). MN does tend to bring out the polar options more frequently.

They can win when they treat all their children and grandchildren the same - not exactly hard is it to be 'fair' with people. As parents we're not meant to have favourites and this should apply also to grandchildren as well.

You’re not really being unreasonable to expect your MIL to love all her grandchildren equally, however in my experience that’s not how it works.

They tend to favourite their favourite child’s children. In my MIL’s case that’s her own daughter’s children (I am married to her son) and in my mother’s case that’s my brother’s child. Sucks for my kids but not much we can do other than minimise and fill in the gaps for them.

I'd say you've got 2 options. Which one you choose depends on what you want the outcome to be.

1. If you want your DC to spend more time with their gran, you need to clear the air between you and her. You can't do this until you establish what was bugging her in the first place. Take her out for lunch just the two of you and chat woman to woman, not confrontational or rude, just gently say you've noticed that she seems a bit off and is there anything you've done to offend her. You want a good relationship because your DCs adore her and would love to spend more time with her. I'm sure you can hammer out a relationship going forwwards that works better for all of you - but you have to go in a spirit of compromise.
2. If you don't want to make any effort to imrpove your relationship (you mentioned that seeing her is bad for her MH) then accept that you will be LC, but stop comparing her DCs to the other DCs as this'll just make you feel bad.

Blimey I’m in my 60’s and unfortunately don’t have grandchildren yet. I can’t imagine having the energy to take four youngish children out all at once, surely that’s too much?

But it's all related. MIL appears to avoid spending time with DIL, which could be because every time she does, she's quizzed about what she's been up to and moaned at for spending more time with her other DGC. That's naturally going to have a knock on effect on the time MIL devotes to OP's DC and how close she is to them. It's a vicious cycle.

What it comes down to is, you can't control the way other people behave. But you can control the way you allow other people's behaviour to affect you.

Yes, MIL may well be playing favourites with SILs DC over yours. Maybe it's because she's close with her DD and not with you, or maybe not. It obviously isn't nice for your DC, or for you to witness, but it is what it is.

As you've seemingly found out when trying to raise it previously, calling people out on their unreasonable behaviour doesn't always result in a change for the better. You say your MIL increased her efforts with your DC in the short term afterwards, but has since reverted to type.

So I think you have to find a way of accepting the situation for what it is. Let your DP worry about the relationship with MIL and take a step back. It's her that's missing out on a closer relationship with your DC at the end of the day 🤷‍♀️

I think it's a bit odd to think there's something wrong with the relationship if she isn't as close to you as she is to her own DD. That's not a problem, it's to be expected.

The elephant in the room for me is the kids. It could be unrelated and just about which adult she wants to spend time with but is there a reason she would favour the other kids over yours? What are their respective behaviours like? Are they hard work?

It’s an impossible task to treat all grandkids exactly the same.

For a start the kids will all be different. People have different relationships with the parents, different dynamics, live varying distances, have different levels of input.

and in this case, if Ops mum wasn’t still working and Op got to spend a lot of time with her mum, she wouldn’t be feeling this way. Op wants the relationship she wants because her mum can’t fulfill that role. If Ops mum was available, it’s likely Op would be quite happy with the level of contact. How is the Mil to know Op wants more off her because her own mum isn’t available.

and the man in the middle sees his mum a lot. Why isn’t he taking the kids? If the primary concern is Mils relationship with the kids, the husband could be facilitating this.

If he isn’t, but Mils dd is taking the kids round a lot, it’s impossible for it to be equal.

My MIL is the same. It's blatantly obvious who her favourites are and it's because they are female. DH doesn't really get a look in nor do our 3 kids. It's hurtful and both DH and I are fully aware of it.

We both now have got to the point we treat her the way she treats him and our kids. I personally don't care if she spends time with me or not. I do feel sad though how poorly she has treated DH and our kids but equally the kids are getting older now and are starting to show her how little she means to them.

Actions have spoken louder than words ever could long term (DH has had it outwith her but she denies it). Our kids are not really interested now nor is DH. The oldest 2 say hello and then ignore her or go off and do what they were doing.

She does tend to go on constantly about her favourites when she does visit whole ignoring our kids which is annoying plus really boring but we just change the subject now or let one of the DC's interrupt her and tell her about their school or activities achievements. It's rude but so is her behaviour.

I am sorry but on this it you have to decide who is more important your MIL or your kids feelings and make informed decisions what is best for your kids as it is toxic behaviour towards them. Do it together with your DH by stand up for them even if it means taking a step back as they shouldn't be hurt by her behaviour.

Yes he spends time with her, sees her a couple of times a week and helps her out with stuff. They have a good relationship

Thats great. Does he take the kids round with him a couple of times a week when he sees her as well?

So just keep favouring her daughters kids? And never take OPs? Why not invite them all and ask DIL to come? It's not about minding them all, it's about having a relationship with them.

But we don’t know the dynamics here. My mum often took my kids to the cinema on inset days when I had to work-I asked her if she would take them and I booked and paid for all the tickets. I can’t imagine my siblings would have expected her to pay for all of their kids to go to the cinema, just because she took mine.

I think it's inevitable that if a parent is closer to one/some of their children, that will benefit the grandparent/child relationship. But it sounds like there is rather more going on that that in your family. I hope this thread has helped you clarify things for yourself.

We live within 15 minutes of my PIL and SIL's family. SIL is very close to her parents, sees and speaks to them very frequently. She has always lived near to them. DH and I lived overseas for a while and his relationship with his parents is less involved on a day-to-day basis, though everyone gets on well. I like my inlaws and know they care a lot about our family. But there is inevitably a sense that SIL's family are the 'first family' - they are much more involved in each other's lives and her parents would always be her first port of call for support, whereas I have consciously built up a non-family support network that I am happy to mutually rely on. (Inlaws would, and have, always helped us out too though.) My teenage kids are aware of the dynamic, but they know they are loved by their grandparents and their wider family. Families are complex systems!

YABVU. I suspect nothing would be enough for you. She is spending time with her daughter, and by extension her dgc! You are - not only - NOT her daughter but you have made it into such a THING that she probably dreads hearing from you because there will be some pointed comment or passive aggressive criticism. Apologies if this is not the reality to you but it is what springs from your posts.

If you truly want to rectify the situation you need to eat a large slice of humble pie and start actually being pleasant to the poor woman. And while you're about it - stop stirring with your own children. How do they know how much time your Mil spends with her other grandkids.
Seriously op, this is entirely of your own making and I feel sorry for your dh and Mil.

Yes I think she wants to spend time with her Dd rather than her DIL - ie you. I know that sounds hurtful but I don’t mean it’s personal, just that this is her Dd.

PIL favour SIL DC massively. To the extent of inadvertently calling them "ours". "Oh ours do that..."
This extended to more being spent on them at Xmas. They think I didn't notice but my nephews let slip what PIL had bought them and I know it was twice what my DC had,
Then, SIL had a £10k house deposit and all her wedding paid for whilst DH got nothing for either so I maybe shouldn't be surprised the favouritism has continued.

Unfortunately you can't make your mother in law want to be with your children
I speak from experience and used to get upset over it but ultimately there's nothing you can do other than let her get on with it
My children are adults now and don't have the time of day for her which is her own doing.
Do yourself a favour and step away it will save the upset

But OP has said that her eldest 2 are old enough for MIL to take out on her own (its just her youngest that would probably not be) and she's happy for MIL to do this.

So, MIL doesn't have to spend time with OP if she doesn't wish too, and she could just take the older 2 GCs out.