To think MIL is rubbish/favouritising

[Happygoclucky]

Husband has a sister who has a son and daughter. We have 2 sons and a daughter. MIL frequently favours her daughters children and spends lots of time with them. My children often feel like an afterthought. Most recent issue was halfterm. My MIL does not work, she chose to spend 3 out of the 5 days in the week of halfterm with her daughter and daughters DC. She didn’t ask me to come along on their days out and didn’t call or text once to arrange something with my children. Previous halfterm I asked her to spend time with myself and my DC but she had plans. She also spent time with her daughter and daughters DC that week too.
When she is around my children (when we take them to visit their gran) she is great with them and seems to care about them. Other than that she doesn’t make any effort. It is the noticeable favouring of the other grandchildren that hurts my feelings. For example she recently took her other grandkids out to the cinema, when I made it clear that my sons would have enjoyed going to the cinema too she gave me £10 to take them to see a film. The point I was making was that I wanted her to spend time with them, it seems to go over her head though.
I don’t think that she is completely oblivious to the fact that she spends more time with sister in laws DC though because if I ask her what she’s been up to (when I know she’s been out with sis in law and children) she will change the subject and will miss out the parts where she’s taken the kids out.

we have butted heads over the years over similar issues and it always ends in tears, she doesn’t take criticism well and I’m afraid of the arguments if I do speak my mind.

Its not hard to recognise if you are spending 3 days out of 5 during a half term on just one set of GCs and not seeing another the other then you are favouring one set above the another, and not being 'fair' on all your GCs.

It may not be possible due to geographical reasons etc to treat all GCs the same in some respects but there are things you can control if you want to. For instance my Mum gives all of her GCs exactly the same amount of money for every single birthday and Christmas, and always has. So in no-one can claim she's ever favoured my kids over my brothers. This could apply to OP's MIL who could have put aside a day that week to have also seen OPs kids as well.

Agree OP's DH could do more to tackle this situation. My DP tried to do so with his parents, and even though he asked repeatedly for them to be more involved it made no difference. They would only see the GCs when he travelled to them and never reciprocated. It got to a point where he was sick of them not putting in any effort.

So, MIL doesn't have to spend time with OP if she doesn't wish too, and she could just take the older 2 GCs out

Maybe she doesn’t want to do childcare-having them alone might be too much for her? Maybe MIL already sees the boys twice a week when OP’s husband goes round to visit her?

Same here and to be fair I might get it if it were another daughter. More galling when it's another son and DIL.

My DH was non confrontational and happy to ignore it. At one point after MIL declared she didn't do birthday cards when we mentioned she hadn't sent our son one he didn't send a mothers day card. She actually contacted me to complain!! I merely answered but we thought you didn't do cards.

After that DH decided he wanted low contact and I was happy with that and having accepted this was how it was always going to be made me accept it far more.

If you ay she sees dh lots, then why doesn't he take the kids when he goes?
That would be the equivalent of her seeing her daughter and her kids.

She may not want the responsibility of having them on their own, but if dh always takes them when he goes then she can see her son and his children.

This is not the situation here though is it. Minding kids when you're in work is a whole different situation to MIL choosing not to have a relationship with her grandkids.

That was in response to people saying if she takes some grandchildren to the cinema, she should take all of them. It’s not always that simple.

OP says MIL is great with her children so they clearly do have a good relationship. If DH takes them round several times a week when he visits his mum, they are seeing her plenty.

Similar situation here but my Dad has his step grandson whilst my step sister works, they go on lovely days out to the farm park etc, stays overnight the lot. My kids are 15 down to 7 and he does nothing with them, never has! They take him and his mum in holiday etc, there's photos all over his Facebook of him with his step grandson, not one thing about his blood grandkids! My eldest son asked me a few months ago why Grandad loves his step grandson more than him and because of that I've backed right away from my Dad. I grew up feeling second best to my sister, no way I'm letting my boy feel that too!

No I don’t think that is definitely favouring anyone.

If you have an adult son And daughter, your son visits you several times a week, but doesn’t being the kids. And a daughter who does. That’s not favouring.

If your dd invites you on days out, well in advance and plans things. But your son and his wife, doesn’t. That’s not favouritism.

And plenty of Mils, trying to be a good mil, back off and wait to be invited so they aren’t seen as pushy. Especially if the relationship is already a bit tense.

If someone invites me somewhere, I am not going to say no, because I have plans with them another day and someone else might ask me to do something nearer the time.

And op only wants this, because her own mother isnt available. If ops mother was, I would bet she wouldn’t be that fussed. This is more about Ops jealousy that sil has her mum around than what’s fair on the kids. That’s not a judgment, I get feeling envious. If it was only about the kids, the Op would be ensuring she and the kids visit her with her dh. It’s not really about the mil. It’s about op feeling she is missing out with her own mum.

Money is completely different, because regardless of circumstances that always can be equal. In your example, it certainly could be claimed one is being favoured. Even if the money is the same. One could claim your mum is favouring the others with time, phone calls, interest in their lives. It’s only with money they could say she isn’t.

It may be that she’s actually more interested in spending time with her daughter than her grandkids. She may feel exactly the same way about all the grandkids but if she wants to spend time with her DD the grandkids come along too.

I am nowhere near grankids and I’m sure I’ll love them when they come along but my main priority will always be DD (I think).

Ah sorry I missed one of your posts, yeah definitely seems to be favouritism going on there. I would stop pressing the issue, you can’t do much about it.

My in-laws massively favour my SIL’s children and it’s annoying - it has always upset me and now my parents are dead they are the only grandparents my DC have. But it’s their loss. I grit my teeth when they slip up and refer to the SIL’s kids as ‘our girls’ in contrast to ‘your boys’. I am resigned to every success of my DC being greeted with a counter-success or tragic failure about the others. They go on holidays with them, take them out for treats, pay for various lessons (swimming, riding, acting) oh, and bought them a house*. But I say nothing.

*it’s to come out of their inheritance allegedly - and ultimately it’s my in-laws’ money.

I agree with this I’m afraid.

YABU.

She is spending time with her daughter and grandkids.

You are not her daughter.

You can't fix this OP.

DH needs to step up and have a frank discussion with his mum. Regardless of her relationship with you, MIL must treat the GC the same, as much as possible.

It will never be exactly the same because you're not her daughter. That's why your DH needs to be the one managing this.

You seem to have good insight into the fact that she doesn't like you very much, possibly to do with resenting your closeness to her ds, your husband! This is sad but it happens. The children shouldn't miss out on a relationship with her because of this.. I think if you can encourage her to take your older children out with their cousins, then when your youngest is old enough, add her in. Cousins can have a really good relationship. And it's good your dc's like their paternal gran...
so perhaps just step back from days out with her maybe? I'm sorry it may need to be like this for you, op

So MIL heads out with her daughter and her DC and OP is resentful when her DC aren#t invited. When in truth this isn#t about the GC, this is about a mother and daughter relationship and grandkids happen to be there. Why would MIL be inviting OP DC out to a meet up when the problem here is OP thinks the MIL should be inviting her kids too when actually it is more related to a mother daughter relationship. If your DH wants more time with his mum he should join his sibling and his mother.

Did you assist with forming a bond between your children and their grandmother when they were newborns? If you isolated yourself and them that's where it started!

I think if you can encourage her to take your older children out with their cousins, then when your youngest is old enough, add her in.

Why should this MiL be encouraged to take 4/5 kids out alone?! That could be totally overwhelming!

Not a word.

Mines the exact same. But I think it’s because she finds it easier to spend time with her daughters than me. Which I get because I’m not overly friendly anymore (she’s not a very nice lady!) but it still bothers me.

I think maybe you need to have a chat with your own dm. Arrange time to spend together a day out with the grandkids. She works full time but surely have days off or annual leave its not down to your mil to fill that gap. I bet she feels like she's walking on egg shells. Your dh can absolutely bring your dc when he visits. I'd be fuming if my sibling was giving my dm shit for spending time with me and my dc and I'd tell them.

Maybe he ought to take the kids along on some of these occasions then.

Feel for you OP. I have a MIL and three SILs with several children between them who are definitely favoured over my 3 children. Invites to lunch, offers of childcare and sleepovers.
She told my DH once that I wasn’t good enough for him.
She gives me huge anxiety so I avoid her these days.
Maybe let your DH visit her with your children instead?

Totally get where you are coming from. My MIL is a superb person we get on very well. She spends so much time with my 2 sils children, has them for school hols/after school , takes on holiday etc. didn’t do that with mine apart from the odd trip to London or if I was really stuck for after school in a blue moon, I didn’t really ask for help. My parents were also very involved with my DS’s so maybe this is why.
It used to grate on me a bit but I would never say anything and I knew if I asked she would help if she could.

Know it’s hard but one day you’ll be possible pleased you where with them more ,if you ML is like that your kids won’t learn to be kind and decent around her tbh
my ex ML was a fully paid up bestie with the vicar type sharp tongued, two sisters in law fully bitchy
always behaved as if I had stolen their son/ brother, I tried for years to integrate myself and her granddaughter , always making allowances for their awful behaviour , ML husband had had affairs for years as had the grandfather ( there was even his aging secretary at Christmas etc) 30 years after his passing!she lost her mum
at 11 etc etc so I made allowances ,
my daughter is kind and decent person dodging a bullet I feel , if she had been included more with the ML and the other grand kids .
turns out my ex was exactly the same as them fake gushing and awful he too was having an affair for 20 years plus and stole huge amounts of money from me whilst helpfully doing my company accounts also stole the savings I made for our daughters uni etc
Was made to feel like shit for years by his family and I put up and shut up
if only ..

l am so glad to be rid of the lot of them
good luck op
don’t be hurt enjoy your kids