To think MIL is rubbish/favouritising

[Happygoclucky]

Husband has a sister who has a son and daughter. We have 2 sons and a daughter. MIL frequently favours her daughters children and spends lots of time with them. My children often feel like an afterthought. Most recent issue was halfterm. My MIL does not work, she chose to spend 3 out of the 5 days in the week of halfterm with her daughter and daughters DC. She didn’t ask me to come along on their days out and didn’t call or text once to arrange something with my children. Previous halfterm I asked her to spend time with myself and my DC but she had plans. She also spent time with her daughter and daughters DC that week too.
When she is around my children (when we take them to visit their gran) she is great with them and seems to care about them. Other than that she doesn’t make any effort. It is the noticeable favouring of the other grandchildren that hurts my feelings. For example she recently took her other grandkids out to the cinema, when I made it clear that my sons would have enjoyed going to the cinema too she gave me £10 to take them to see a film. The point I was making was that I wanted her to spend time with them, it seems to go over her head though.
I don’t think that she is completely oblivious to the fact that she spends more time with sister in laws DC though because if I ask her what she’s been up to (when I know she’s been out with sis in law and children) she will change the subject and will miss out the parts where she’s taken the kids out.

we have butted heads over the years over similar issues and it always ends in tears, she doesn’t take criticism well and I’m afraid of the arguments if I do speak my mind.

My MIL spends way more time with her daughter's children.
I think she feels that they are “their" children and she gets more of a say, whereas my children are mine and my husband's.
My SIL seems to really need the help.
I don't mind too much because I like the space.

I know the feeling really well! My DD family have spent a total of 2 hours max with her in total, she is 2 and half! They live about 2 hrs away I have offered to meet them 1/2 way or for them to take her out when they are down this way visiting their daughter.
I see posts all the time that they have taken their daughters child out or had him for the weekend etc. yet don’t bother with my DD at all.
it hurts really hurts that they don’t want to spend time with her. I get it!

perhaps can you sit and talk calmly with her?

If she is very close with your DP, it does seem odd that she favours his sister's children over his. It's also quite sad that the kids have noticed. Can he not facilitate doing more stuff with the kids and her to make the relationship bond stronger? I think you need to take yourself out of the equation as you have a strained relationship with her tbh. Is DH's sister an involved aunt? Is he an involved uncle? Do you have a good relationship with SIL? I look back at my grandparents and they didn't favour any of us, although we were all different ages, so maybe it was easier as when some of my cousins were kids, I was an adult.

I agree that it is very upsetting to see your children being treated less favourably than the other GC.
Same here with my MIL. We moved abroad before having kids so understand and completely accept that she will be closer to her DDC but it still hurts to see how little out DC matter to her for example we have never spent Christmas together as we have never been invited. We have said to come to us before and one year she said she was coming. As she didn't send me actual dates I asked a few times so I could make arrangements but got no reply. Next thing I know, roll on Christmas and I see photos on fbook of DHs sister at the MIL holiday home with her. Guess she changed her mind and never bothered telling us

Agreed! "How dare they want to see my new born" to "they like their other grands better".

You just can’t make people, particularly families, behave the way you want them to. I have this in buckets with my strange family. Accept what it is. Your husband is the key to any change with his mum. Up to him if he wants it. Other than that, enjoy your kids together and be glad of what you have.

I could have written your post myself. I feel in a very similar position.
My DH has 2 sisters - both have children (5 children between them ranging from 9YO to 10 months)
DH and I have recently had our first baby (7 months)
DH works long hours and I am currently on maternity leave, so understandably doing most of the childcare for our son.
I am quite free during the week (bordering on bored and lonely!) and have made it clear to my MIL and both SILs I would love for me and my LO to meet up / go on days out etc with them once per week.
My SILs are pretty good and make effort, but my MIL seems to have zero interest in her new (6th) grandchild.
examples:
when both SILs had their first babies they got brand new buggys. My DH has his first baby and got a 9 year old hand me down for our baby.
I suggested meeting up during half term last week, when my older nieces and nephews would not be at school, meaning they could all be together - I heard nothing, so presumed it wasn’t happening/ convenient. Next thing I see photos posted of all 5 other grandchildren out at the park with their grandparents - only grandchild missing was my child.

list goes on but just a couple of examples.

I would say I’ve had a generally decent relationship with my MIL but always felt a little left out because she has 2 daughters of her own, which I understood as I would never be her daughter, but I hoped for better for my son - who is her blood.

My partner is pretty oblivious to it all and doesn’t really have an opinion, which also upsets me. Sometimes I feel I’m an over sensitive new Mum but mostly I know it’s just something we have to accept 😔

Your husband needs to talk to his mum and sister about the way his children are being marginalised by their mother. It is upsetting for you all, and if it continues will have a serious effect upon you all. He needs to explain how it makes him and his children feel, to be left out, not treated fairly, it's not a lot to ask. MIL can explain why it is happening, and you can try to find a solution. There's no way I'd be financially supporting someone who is being passive aggressive to me and my children.

Why would she want to spend time with someone who has made her cry over a course of years? Sounds like she prefers her daughters company that yours.

Why are you asking her what’s she’s been up to if you already know. No wonder she changes the subject.

I bet you took the £10 anyway 😂

To answer a few questions:

I have always encouraged her to be around the children. I take them to her and always have done (she lives locally and drives) she drives to SIL to see her children or take them out.

Relationship with SIL is fine, we aren’t in each others pockets but we chat occasionally. No problems.

lots of comments about DIL’s who complain about their MIL being too involved. This has never been me, have always welcomed MIL involvement and have facilitated it. Since my DC were newborns. She was more keen to be involved than I do remember.

it’s not possible for DH to take children to see her everytime, again this detail is outing. It’s not child friendly for them to go.

yes we frequently invite MIL to do things with us and to see us, to visit. She does sometimes but seems put out and I guess it feels like there’s some water under the bridge and I’m not sure why. DH doesn’t understand it either and notices that sometimes she is off with him.

I think the biggest issue here is tension between myself and MIL. I get the feeling that since she went through the menopause she has struggled with her mental health and as a result has become distant. We are different people, I am very career focused and did a professional job when I worked, she always commented that she ‘never did anything with her life’ and has always seemed sad about that, I have always celebrated her talents- she is really crafty and makes wonderful things. I think perhaps she leans on her daughter for support and I completely understand this. It’s not the time she spends with her daughter that I resent. Just the disparity with DGC.

I have a great relationship with my own DM and speak regularly and she would love to spend more time with the children but her job just doesn’t allow for it, she works long hours and very rarely gets any time off. We are both sad that she doesn’t get to see the DGC as much as she would like.

I’m not expecting MIL to fill in the gaps just to make a little time for her other DGC, and make them feel special like she does the others.
she could do this however she chose to, I would be happy for DH to take them to see her (when timing allowed) and I have suggested this. Or happy for her to take my DC out if she wanted and of course she is welcome here, I am sure she knows this as I am always offering and I thank her lots when she does come to visit on the occasion.

anytime she does do anything for or with my DC’s I make sure they thank her and I always do too and how much we appreciate it.

lots of helpful responses, I appreciate everyone’s input!

My mother lived on the same street as me, ten metres from my door. She invited my children over twice last year for two hours. My sister (who I'm nc) lives SEVEN hours away, they see each other every other weekend. She will have her child for a week at a time. Buy her weekly gifts, phone her every day. My own mother doesn't even know when my children's birthday are. We moved to another town six weeks back and she hasn't phoned me once.

I expect she doesn’t tell you because she knows you’re jealous.
I think it’s normal for a mother to spend more time with her daughter and kids than her DIL & kids but if it bothers you tell her now that you’d like it if she spends some time with your DC during the Easter holidays… or even better get your husband to speak to his mother about it!
I have a lot to do with my mum, my MIL hasn’t even met our DD !! Maybe do more with your own family and don’t prioritise what your MIL does with your SIL and her kids….. think of it as MIL’s loss!

Don't have expectations of what you think other people should do. You will find yourself disappointed again and again.

You say you have butted heads over the years and it ends in tears. Maybe she is wary of you and that you may find criticism with things she does with your children.

Hi OP, my MIL once said to me she will be a true grandma when her daughter has children and i wonder if this is what your MIL feels like aswell. Her daughter has been having difficulty TTC so MIL is all over my children. I see the love between them but I also wonder how much of it is real and what will happen to my children when her daughter has children

It’s normal. Is it because you think that your SiL is getting more free childcare than you?
because other than that I can’t see an issue, she prefers to be with her own daughter than you. Your daughters children are like your own, your sons children will always be another woman’s children, that’s just the way it is.

I’ve had this with my own mother, always having my nephew and not my DS’s, but she’s always favoured my sister and we’ve fallen out so many times but she never seems to get it. We have fallen out completely now over other things but has only asked to see my DS’s twice since November and my nephew is constantly at her house. I’ve stopped hiding it from my oldest now so when she took my nephew on holiday he asked her why she wasn’t talking him! Maybe get your DC to ask her if they can visit on a particular day instead of you, might be harder to turn down the DC than you x

Yes I’d get DH to say to her that DC miss her , also that time goes by so fast and they will be grown before she knows ! My Dc ‘s didn’t spend regular time with my parents but had a few lovely holidays, but zero time with my in-laws, I was always told that in-laws had done their bit with their other sons children and didn’t want to do it anymore !!

Maybe she doesn't feel as confident to spend time with your children? Becuase she doesn't know you & them as well as her own daughters children (who she has spent loads of time with already by the sound of it).
I personally feel much happier and relaxed taking my sisters daughters on a day out than my SIL daughters even though they are similar ages etc. It's just much easier to look after someone you know really well children as you know the right way to handle the children in any situation.

Mmm, that says more about you than perhaps you'd like other people to know.

You've said DH spends lots of time with her, does he take the kids? Sounds like largely she's spending time with her daughter and the gc at the same time, whereas her son sees her alone whilst you mind the kids

Unpopular to say, but it's likely a dominance issue. Your MIL is her daughter's mother, easier for her to maintain the power dynamic from childhood.

You are a stranger, not her child. You might make yourself subservient to her in an effort to ingratiate yourself, but that absent, her ability to dominate you is greatly weakened.

This is natural. We are animals after all. We love a hierarchy. Some/a lot/most? people enjoy having some control over the settings they place themselves in. It's comfortable.

With her daughter, your MIL know where she stands and can exert some sway. With you, not so much.

The upshot of this, sadly, is that your kids miss out on the closeness with one grandmother. You can talk frankly with your MIL about this. You can make attempts to reconcile. If you try and she doesn't, unfortunately she's chosen to alienate her own grandkids. Nothing you can do about it.

Find other relatives, neighbors, or friends for the kids to spend time with and be close to. The kids'll be fine.

How would the children notice? I never knew or thought about what my grandmother was doing when not with me.

Telling the kids they are getting short shrift is just pot-stirring.

It's something that is quite common but it's not really fair to the grandchildren. My MIL spends a lot more time with her daughter than with her sons and always has done. She made it very clear that regular childcare would not be an option before I had even had mine but looked after my SIL's two days a week. They rarely did the odd babysitting when DS were young but again the implication was for it not to become a regular event so we used sitters. They did used to moan about babysitting another GC because of his attitude (BIL's son) which seemed unfair as a) he was just a kid and b) was normally behaved with no issues as far as we were aware but this made me hyper aware of their attitude to our DS. SIL's now adult children are very much the golden ones but are close to them. Mine are closer to my DP despite them living hundreds of miles away from us (PIL live locally). It is something that I've accepted but has bothered DH but he doesn't look at the situation as clinically as I do and will make excuses for them. The only thing that I do find hurtful on behalf of DS is the "golden grandchildren" get a different class of presents ie more expensive than the others. THAT I find quite pathetic.

Hi OP. You sound like a lovely DIL and a lovely Mum. I am so impressed at your effort to try and establish a good relationship between your children and their grandmother. This is such a sad state of affairs and is I think a cultural thing. It is not healthy or good for the nurturing of sons if a parent favours daughters over sons as they grow up. I think it is unfortunately very common. Lots and lots of women on MN do their best to justify being unkind to their in laws and keep them at arm's length. They are probably the same DILS who pile on here to complain about wills not being fair. Adult sisters may try to freeze out their brothers and try to stop them having a relationship with their mothers. It isn't healthy or right in my opinion. Women on here complain about men but lots want to deny them a relationship within their birth family. Undoubtedly lots of women on here favour their daughters over their sons and treat them badly compared to their daughters. Isn't their research that shows mothers in families where their are sons and daughters, hug their sons far less,
It is not right, not fair and clearly unhealthy in terms of nurturing sons.
I would hope that given the efforts MN posters go to ensure that men do their fair share of parenting, men will be allowed by their partners to maintain a relationship with their own family without being frozen out by their wives and her family.
In many countries sons are traditionally favoured over daughters. In many western countries daughters are now favoured over sons. Neither is right or good for nurturing secure and loved children.
There are so many posts on here that make for uncomfortable reading.