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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have snapped at my dp about mil

96 replies

Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 22:28

I snapped at my dp about his Mum asking for lifts. In my defence, I had a sleepless night with my baby so was in a snappy mood and just seen a text asking for yet another lift. She doesn't ask all the time, sometimes she can asks twice a week then go a week without asking then ask the following week and so on. I work pt but it's long hours and I have 3 children so my days off are not really days off. I feel she could be more mindful and make alternative arrangements. 2 occasions have really miffed me and then seeing that text just made me lose it. A few weeks ago she rang at 10am to ask if i could pick her up and take her to her drs app for 10.45 so i did, dropped her back home and with 5 minutes of been home she rang back to say she forgot to hand in her sample and could i come and collect it and take to the drs before 11.30 else it will miss collection. Then last week she asked if I could take her to her hospital appointment at 9am meaning getting me and the children ready and leaving out at 8.30 to get to her appointment then waiting around for her to then take her shopping before taking her home. My dp does it sometimes but he could do it more but she asks me. Her dh works so understand her can't but she has siblings who drive and could easily get a taxi. She's 58 so not elderly and although she has some health problems, not to the extent she can't make her own way in a taxi. Aibu or just nit picking? I always say if you can help someone do, but my days off are not to be a taxi service. Im a busy Mum and have 1001 things to do and it can take a chunk out of my day, especially when she asks me to take her shopping.

OP posts:
coronafiona · 26/02/2023 22:31

"Sorry it's just not possible with three kids now. I'm happy to help you set up online shopping if you wish, but pleas don't count on me for lifts these days, I'd only let you down all the time"
And make sure you do let her down. She'll find a way.
I had to do this as well bloody ridiculous a 65yr old woman (my mil) couldn't sort her own shopping out. She's not 90!

MargaritMargo · 26/02/2023 22:31

I was going to say you’re being unreasonable to not help out MIL occasionally with a lift but this is excessive.
YANBU to not want to be a personal taxi service.

Cherrysoup · 26/02/2023 22:34

It’s ridiculous that she’s asking a5 all given you have 3 kids to sort and days off aren’t really days off when you have dc, are they?

StrawBeretMoose · 26/02/2023 22:36

YANBU. She can ask all she likes, the more you say no the less she will ask.

Notimeforaname · 26/02/2023 22:37

Just say no.

Fueledbycoffee · 26/02/2023 22:38

YANBU - you have 3 kids and enough on your plate without ferrying your MIL about on your days off! I'd be fuming too. I'd be getting DP to speak to her and explain that it's putting you under too much pressure to be relying on you so she needs to find an alternative. Once in a blue moon is ok, but this is a bit excessive and taking advantage

feelinglikeanewparent · 26/02/2023 22:38

What did your DP say and why can't they give her lifts?

Just say no.

Theunamedcat · 26/02/2023 22:39

He can do it his mum his problem your busy

GG1986 · 26/02/2023 22:41

Yanbu!! Just tell her you are busy and this is eating into your days too much.

WrongSideOfLife · 26/02/2023 22:44

She’s only a few years older than me, I wouldn’t dream of asking all that of anyone, especially someone with 3 kids. YANBU. I’d have snapped long before now.

Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 22:45

She seems to only ask me. And because i work set days. She knows what days im off. Im starting to think everyone else must be saying no. Dp said it's because 'she loves me and can rely on me'. Which i think is bullshit. I feel using me is more appropriate.

OP posts:
crazycatgal · 26/02/2023 22:46

My DM is also 58 and can't drive. The only time she has asked for a lift is when she had a specialist hospital appointment somewhere that was very difficult and time consuming to get to via public transport. Why can MIL not use public transport?

StrawBeretMoose · 26/02/2023 22:49

Well she can learn to love you and not rely on you!
Honestly she is taking the piss. So what if you work set days, maje it clear you use your non paid work days for other stuff and are too busy. You have really got enough on your plate. If it helps, think of it as setting a good example to your DC in boundaries and not being a mug. One of my parents has constantly been taken advantage of and it has been hard for me to unlearn it. Your time matters OP. You matter.

Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 22:51

@crazycatgal I have never known mil to use public transport. I don't think she'd know what to do. She never used to ask this much. It started when I went on maternity leave with my last baby and she's just continued to keep asking.

OP posts:
TellSomeoneElse · 26/02/2023 22:54

Oh for goodness sake, she could very soon work out what to do with public transport, she’s only in her fifties!! Just say no, stop being so soft (and I mean that in a nice way!)

feelinglikeanewparent · 26/02/2023 22:55

Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 22:51

@crazycatgal I have never known mil to use public transport. I don't think she'd know what to do. She never used to ask this much. It started when I went on maternity leave with my last baby and she's just continued to keep asking.

Doesn't mean you need to continue to say yes.

MrsKeats · 26/02/2023 22:56

I am 56 and work full time in a demanding job-I thought MIL was going to be in her eighties!
Stop being a pushover-you have enough to do.

Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 22:56

@StrawBeretMoose Thank you. This is the main reason it annoyed me. She doesn't even think to question if im tired, busy, have plans with dc. Im the least selfish person i know and she's taking advantage of me. One time she asked if I could take her shopping on a certain day and i said ill phone you and let you know. That day came and I began a deep clean and didn't look at my phone for hours. When i did, i had 5 missed calls and a message saying what time you picking me up. I never even said yes then a message saying never mind, ill get dh to take me the weekend when he's off. I would understand if she's lonely because her dh works all day so she's home alone, but surely a chat on the phone would be enough if that was the case.

OP posts:
Singularity82 · 26/02/2023 22:57

This reply has been deleted

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WineCap · 26/02/2023 22:57

You've been a doormat for way too long. It's time for MIL to stand on her own two feet. Otherwise you'll potentially be stuck giving lifts for decades to come....

Singularity82 · 26/02/2023 22:57

Whoa just saw your update-she has a husband too! Unbelievable 😂 some people are beyond cheeky.

Turnthelightoff · 26/02/2023 23:01

everyone here will tell you to say no and hopefully give you some good advice on how to do that. My other thought is to sometimes say yes but put your own conditions in. Yes I can take you to docs appointment but after that we will have to go to my house and you look after DC while I run an errand (which can be anything you want) before I take you home/we wait for DP to be back and take you home.

IsItBedtimeYetNope · 26/02/2023 23:02

Why doesn't she have a job or drive a car? She's 58. That's not of a generation where women depended on men for everything.

Lapland123 · 26/02/2023 23:04

This is complete nonsense. And if she is lonely, what a luxurious position she is in, that she doesn’t need to work for a living.

Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 23:04

@Turnthelightoff I stopped asking her to help with the children a long time ago because she's a favour for a favour kind of person. And most time I didn't even need her help, just thought it would be nice for her to have some time with her grand children. So maybe mirroring that 'favour for a favour' will stop her asking me Smile

OP posts:
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