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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have snapped at my dp about mil

96 replies

Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 22:28

I snapped at my dp about his Mum asking for lifts. In my defence, I had a sleepless night with my baby so was in a snappy mood and just seen a text asking for yet another lift. She doesn't ask all the time, sometimes she can asks twice a week then go a week without asking then ask the following week and so on. I work pt but it's long hours and I have 3 children so my days off are not really days off. I feel she could be more mindful and make alternative arrangements. 2 occasions have really miffed me and then seeing that text just made me lose it. A few weeks ago she rang at 10am to ask if i could pick her up and take her to her drs app for 10.45 so i did, dropped her back home and with 5 minutes of been home she rang back to say she forgot to hand in her sample and could i come and collect it and take to the drs before 11.30 else it will miss collection. Then last week she asked if I could take her to her hospital appointment at 9am meaning getting me and the children ready and leaving out at 8.30 to get to her appointment then waiting around for her to then take her shopping before taking her home. My dp does it sometimes but he could do it more but she asks me. Her dh works so understand her can't but she has siblings who drive and could easily get a taxi. She's 58 so not elderly and although she has some health problems, not to the extent she can't make her own way in a taxi. Aibu or just nit picking? I always say if you can help someone do, but my days off are not to be a taxi service. Im a busy Mum and have 1001 things to do and it can take a chunk out of my day, especially when she asks me to take her shopping.

OP posts:

bussteward · 27/02/2023 05:29

Send her a bus timetable and a link to driving lessons, then quite honestly mute her texts. (Then you can honestly say later “I didn’t see your text.) You’re not her personal taxi service and she’s being rude af. She’s 58, not 98.

MysteryBelle · 27/02/2023 06:03

Yes, she’s being excessive and making you go back again to hand in something and then asking so many times often at last minute. You must be the one she feels she can rely on so it’s nice that she thinks that and it reflects well on you, but she seems to be taking advantage. You’re stretched with your work hours and taking care of the children and now you are kind of mil’s chauffeur and caretaker of sorts. Yes it needs to stop but not sure how to unless you just don’t answer the texts and she is forced to be more self sufficient. This is a hard one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2023 06:11

This is ridiculous. I couldn’t imagine expecting a mum with 3 children to chauffeur me around. She is a few years older than me but I’m the same side of 50! If she had an accident and doesn’t want to drive, that’s a her problem. She could be using this new found time to take a refresher course.

I think giving her access to the Uber app would be the best thing all round. You need to tell her you’re exhausted from it all and want to benefit from your time with your children. If you approach it as about benefitting from her early retirement, having the freedom to do things for herself, relying on others, belief, perhaps it will sink in a little more.

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 27/02/2023 06:27

So she is only 58, can drive and has a husband? She's taking the piss, especially when you work and have three young DC.

Maxiedog123 · 27/02/2023 06:36

I imagine she asks you because all other family members have had enough of driving her around and tell her to catch the bus or a taxi.
Boundaries, she's taking advantage of you and your children.

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 06:43

Say politely and firmly that she needs to be asking her own DH for lifts.

WandaWonder · 27/02/2023 06:44

Learn the word no

Benjispruce4 · 27/02/2023 06:48

She needs to learn to drive or read a bus timetable She’s 58!!!!! YANBU

TrinnySmith · 27/02/2023 06:48

Im the least selfish person i know

Well, you are going to have to adjust your thinking - if it means bending to others' will all the time.
You need to say clearly to MIL that you are very busy with the children and she will have to ask someone else from now on.
Or you can keep that image you have of yourself, say something wishy -washy like I'm too busy today - and get asked regularly going forward.

Bunnyishotandcross · 27/02/2023 06:49

Hell when I am 58 I will still have a young teenager at home! She is a piss taker... Tell dh he is welcome to taxi for her but you have a busy schedule! When she is hounding him he will feel your pain I imagine!

Shoxfordian · 27/02/2023 06:51

Start saying no much more often than you say yes and she’ll stop asking so much

NancyJoan · 27/02/2023 06:57

You just need to say no. If she’s asking by text, it’s easy enough to reply,
‘I’m busy with the kids tomorrow. If you text (DH) he might be able to help’

monitor1 · 27/02/2023 07:00

Just say no. Every time. 'So sorry MIL, I'm busy all day and can't help' then turn phone off for an hour or so. She'll stop asking.

Lambchop1 · 27/02/2023 07:01

I’d just say hang on I’ll ask DH “DH can you take your mum ….” Then text her whatever he had replied. Your DH is being crafty with the old she loves you routine as this gets him off the hook. Say no, and tell DH from now on his mum, his problem

WhenDovesFly · 27/02/2023 07:04

I'm outraged on your behalf that she began asking when you were in mat leave with a newborn and two other kids to look after. Who even does that?

Your mum is a couple of years younger than me and I wouldn't dream of doing this. My own 86 year old widowed DM, who has mobility issues, doesn't even ask me, and happily grabs cabs to appointments and shopping.

Wait until you're feeling calmer and have a conversation with your DH where you tell him firmly that you can't accommodate this any longer. If you're feeling charitable you could offer one day, eg Friday mornings between 10-12 when you'll make yourself available, but other than that your days are too busy to be a taxi service. I bet she doesn't offer petrol money either?

legalseagull · 27/02/2023 07:06

"Sorry MIL but it's too difficult trying to get all three kids out every time you need a lift. Do you want me to call you a taxi?"

Poiuyl · 27/02/2023 07:11

Keep saying you have plans! She'll soon get the message.

She gives you such short notice it's easy - eg
"DIL I need a lift at 10am to drs"
"Sorry MIL I'm out all morning."

rookiemere · 27/02/2023 07:21

Goodness, I'm 53 and will be working until at least 60 whilst ferrying up and down the motorway to look after my elderly DPs.

In a way I'm kind of jealous how a still working age woman has everyone waiting on her, but in another way her life seems so restrictive, and watch out if that's her now, lord knows how demanding she'll be once she actually is elderly and you're in your 50s.

I wouldn't be rowing with your DH about it as you've created this by being so amenable so far. Just start being unavailable or tell her about the bus route that services her journey.

rowanoak · 27/02/2023 07:27

YANBU. That's an excessive amount of requests and the more you do for her, the more she keeps asking. I'd tell her the free taxi service has closed down!

RunTowardsTheLight · 27/02/2023 07:31

No need to snap at your DP about it. Just say no! Agree with pp that maybe once a month would be a good aim for you. The rest of the time you reply and say "sorry MIL, I'm too busy today".

Flowersintheattic57 · 27/02/2023 07:34

Sounds like she’s lonely and life is too dull for her. She needs to find some things to do : join some groups/activities and volunteering. Combine those with learning to get on a bus. Suggest her son, husband and siblings encourage her out of the house on her own. There are so many organisations that would be glad to see her!

Bayleaf25 · 27/02/2023 07:38

Blimey I’m in my 50s and more than able to use public transport or walk 45 minutes to the hospital/town etc. Has she never learnt to drive?

i think you need to start saying no. Have a range of excuses…

Meeting a friend
Waiting for boiler service
Going to optician
Doing some extra hours for work
Meeting at kid’s school etc

Help once in a while but not at short notice.

Fuckstix · 27/02/2023 07:43

Tell the truth and shame the devil. You've got 3 small kids, work and are too busy to ferry her around regularly. Let her know this or you're setting yourself up for years of same.

Plus she is in her 50s and making herself old before her time, acting like a fragile old lady. Tell your DP to send her a link to Uber, and a bus timetable/ local transport website or number for a refresher course of driving lessons. Ignore his weaselling. She can love you and be self sufficient.

bonzaitree · 27/02/2023 08:05

58!!!!

She sounds like she is 88!!!

if she were 88 I’d say YABU.

58! my dad did an Ironman when he was 58!!

billy1966 · 27/02/2023 08:17

Utterly ridiculous and extremely selfish of her.

You need to stop answering your phone, tell her NO, and stop being polite about it.

Completely ridiculous and I mean this VERY kindly, but you are a complete mug to be tolerating this.

She sounds like an awful user.

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