To have snapped at my dp about mil

[Kaz001]

I snapped at my dp about his Mum asking for lifts. In my defence, I had a sleepless night with my baby so was in a snappy mood and just seen a text asking for yet another lift. She doesn't ask all the time, sometimes she can asks twice a week then go a week without asking then ask the following week and so on. I work pt but it's long hours and I have 3 children so my days off are not really days off. I feel she could be more mindful and make alternative arrangements. 2 occasions have really miffed me and then seeing that text just made me lose it. A few weeks ago she rang at 10am to ask if i could pick her up and take her to her drs app for 10.45 so i did, dropped her back home and with 5 minutes of been home she rang back to say she forgot to hand in her sample and could i come and collect it and take to the drs before 11.30 else it will miss collection. Then last week she asked if I could take her to her hospital appointment at 9am meaning getting me and the children ready and leaving out at 8.30 to get to her appointment then waiting around for her to then take her shopping before taking her home. My dp does it sometimes but he could do it more but she asks me. Her dh works so understand her can't but she has siblings who drive and could easily get a taxi. She's 58 so not elderly and although she has some health problems, not to the extent she can't make her own way in a taxi. Aibu or just nit picking? I always say if you can help someone do, but my days off are not to be a taxi service. Im a busy Mum and have 1001 things to do and it can take a chunk out of my day, especially when she asks me to take her shopping.

Next time she messages "hey, did you mean to send this to your son? I'm busy with the kids on my days off so if you need something, best to just ask him directly"

Check out public transport routes between her house and the doctor's, where she likes to shop etc, and send her details.

Why should OP do this? The woman is 58, qualified to drive, had a job until recently, is capable of using her phone to hound OP – I’m sure she can Google. She’s fundamentally lazy and looking up transport routes on her behalf enables that laziness.

Make yourself less available. How does she get about the days you work?

my mum is 75 and wouldn’t think to ask any of us for a lift, she buses herself everywhere.

58??? Most of us will be working till 66! Never mind getting public transport, she could learn to drive still! I’m now wondering am I going to get some sort of personality transplant in 4 years time. YANBU. There are women here who are having babies at 45. They will be doing their own school runs at 56

When she messaged just say you can’t help as have plans.

This is ridiculous. I’m 57 and would see it as my role to be helping you not the other way round! Could you start asking her for favours? She asks for a lift and you turn it round and say - sorry you can’t but could she pick you up X and Y while she’s at the shops?

Because it signals to her that the expectation is that that is what she will use when she wants to get anywhere.

If she wants to not use public transport including taxis then she needs to drive like millions of other people.

This would fuck me off no end and I’d be asking DH to sort it out asap.

On the occasion I could help I’d be wanting to know in ample time ie day/ days before.

Honestly I’d just stop reading her messages / answering the phone and tell her later you were busy with kids / work.

No, it signals that OP will baby her and do simple tasks on her behalf – but it’s also a passagg route when what’s needed is words: “MIL, I’m busy. You’ll need to get a taxi/bus/drive yourself.” Repeat over and over again until she either does that or, more likely, moves onto bothering the next family member.

YANBU.

Lots of ways to address this:

Don’t answer your phone / pick up messages until a couple of hours after she contacts you. Just be less available. Say you were driving / busy / on zoom calls / not looking at your phone. But don’t apologise for this, you are not an employee on call.

Say no when it is not convenient. “Not today, MIL, my list of jobs to get done before the kids get home is huge”

Your DH needs to think on and stop being an apologist for his Mum and essentially giving away your time. How would he like it if he was assumed to be at your Mum’s beck and call during the day? He needs to speak to his Mum. They are all enabling her to be helpless and old before her time. He could say “Mum you are thinking yourself into being 90 and frail! Come on, let’s help you retain your independence “ and introduce internet shopping and suggest a refresher driving course. FIL should encourage this too. They are ALL taking you for granted rather than tackling the issues. Lazy entitled men.

Or your DH needs to tell her honestly that she is putting a lot of pressure on you.

Could you offer to take her out for some practice drives? Say you are concerned that you have a busy life and can’t help as often as she likes but could help her regain her driving confidence?

My mum was happily catching buses until she was over 90. She needs to get some independence, it’s incredibly bad for her to rely on someone else like this.

Yanbu

Honestly she's ripping the piss. Tell her NO. She should
a)learn to drive - no she's not too old
B) get public transport
C) pay for taxis

You need to stand up for yourself

She's so out of line & this is not what I thought I'd be saying from the title. I imagined a wee old lady needing the odd lift.

She's turned you into her chauffeur

Has she loss the use of her arms too?

Let her look stuff up herself.

The OP isn't even married to her son and she is putting up with unbelievable ridiculousness from his mother.

I'd be muting her number.🙄

This! Your mum is just three years older than me, I thought she was going to be very elderly and unable to do things.

start saying no.

What happens if you just say 'I'm not going to be able to do that, I've got plans with that day'.

There are so many options available to her but they all start with you making yourself less reliable for her to call on.

First off the mark is that she gets her DH to step in and bring her places. Make it his issue to resolve.
Next, there is getting her back driving again. Point out that she should be able to resume driving by now and sure wouldn't it only open up the world to her again as she wouldn't have to rely on your sketchy availability and all that.
Next, there is always public transport. On this one you might have to do a bit of homework and provide her with the details of the bus routes that go near the GP's, the nearest shopping centre and if she has lots of shopping to bring home, she can get a taxi one way (i.e. home). Provide her with that information so she is self sufficient.
Next there are always taxis. When you're next out and about, keep an eye out for taxis and see if there is a service that has a few cars and ask for their business card. Pass it along to MiL. Sing their praises.
Next, if she has a hospital appointment, there may be a service that she could use for that, they would collect her and someone would drop her home again. That might be something available to patients of the hospital.
Next there is always your DH that could step up and look after his mother.

Only when the above have been exhausted, should you feel like you have to rejig your day of doing things to help her do her things.

YANBU. My DM is 83 and lives with us and we do give her lifts when we can, but she can also manage to order a taxi and get herself to places when we can't.

Sounds like you need to make yourself much less available to her.
Start having reasons why you can't help. X

Just have a stack of excuses ready. Help for the genuine emergencies then back away for the rest.

'Hi, no I can't help with that I'm afraid. The no x bus will get you there, I'll send you the timetable link or ring a taxi'

If it's not convenient just say no.
If you wanted to be nice you could say" I'll pick you up on Tuesday on my way to Tesco and after we've done our shopping you can have us over for lunch/ come to the park/ whatever with us, " plan this well in advance. Then it's on your terms and not so annoying, and also you get brownie points for being nice and offering .
Don't say yes to unplanned requests except in emergency.
Boundaries are essential.