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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have snapped at my dp about mil

96 replies

Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 22:28

I snapped at my dp about his Mum asking for lifts. In my defence, I had a sleepless night with my baby so was in a snappy mood and just seen a text asking for yet another lift. She doesn't ask all the time, sometimes she can asks twice a week then go a week without asking then ask the following week and so on. I work pt but it's long hours and I have 3 children so my days off are not really days off. I feel she could be more mindful and make alternative arrangements. 2 occasions have really miffed me and then seeing that text just made me lose it. A few weeks ago she rang at 10am to ask if i could pick her up and take her to her drs app for 10.45 so i did, dropped her back home and with 5 minutes of been home she rang back to say she forgot to hand in her sample and could i come and collect it and take to the drs before 11.30 else it will miss collection. Then last week she asked if I could take her to her hospital appointment at 9am meaning getting me and the children ready and leaving out at 8.30 to get to her appointment then waiting around for her to then take her shopping before taking her home. My dp does it sometimes but he could do it more but she asks me. Her dh works so understand her can't but she has siblings who drive and could easily get a taxi. She's 58 so not elderly and although she has some health problems, not to the extent she can't make her own way in a taxi. Aibu or just nit picking? I always say if you can help someone do, but my days off are not to be a taxi service. Im a busy Mum and have 1001 things to do and it can take a chunk out of my day, especially when she asks me to take her shopping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 23:08

@IsItBedtimeYetNope She did have a job and got made redundant and honestly, not working has made her lazy. She used to drive, many years ago before i knew her and had an accident (not a big one) and it knocked her confidence in driving and she hasn't drove since. She's not a very confident person so think that plays a part in her shying away from getting a new job and working with new people.

OP posts:
tara66 · 26/02/2023 23:20

Suggest she learns how to drive if she doesn't. She's really quite young.

whynotwhatknot · 26/02/2023 23:26

i was prepared to sa ywbu but wtf she has a husband is capable of using transport and yet she bothers a mother of 3 because shes "not working"

tell your dp to have a word

Xrays · 26/02/2023 23:32

Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 22:56

@StrawBeretMoose Thank you. This is the main reason it annoyed me. She doesn't even think to question if im tired, busy, have plans with dc. Im the least selfish person i know and she's taking advantage of me. One time she asked if I could take her shopping on a certain day and i said ill phone you and let you know. That day came and I began a deep clean and didn't look at my phone for hours. When i did, i had 5 missed calls and a message saying what time you picking me up. I never even said yes then a message saying never mind, ill get dh to take me the weekend when he's off. I would understand if she's lonely because her dh works all day so she's home alone, but surely a chat on the phone would be enough if that was the case.

This is what you need to do more - not answer your phone, make out that you’re busy and don’t have time to check it etc - then she’ll have to either sort something out for herself or leave it. At her age and no real health issues she’s just taking the piss.

CuriousMama · 26/02/2023 23:34

Bloody hell I'm 55 this year. I wouldn't dream of asking dsd to take me anywhere. She has 3 dcs and
works. As do I as well as drive. But I'd use public transport before asking her.

Your Mil is taking the piss. Keep saying no. You can't afford the energy let alone anything else. Stress isn't good for you either.

Cornishclio · 26/02/2023 23:40

Good grief, you have a new baby and she is getting you to act as her personal chauffeur. The odd favour is ok but not this several times a week. Just say no you cannot do it.

ArghRainAgain · 26/02/2023 23:42

You’ve perpetuated this problem by obliging her!

To be honest even when I only had one baby I would not be faffing around giving people lifts - I had neither the time nor the inclination. How you are managing with three is beyond me!

Your priority is your children and your schedule. I wouldn’t have time for anything else!

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/02/2023 00:14

Just say no, she's 58, not 88. She's firmly in mid life and at her age many people are working FT and still parenting teens.

She can sort herself out.

VimFuego101 · 27/02/2023 00:31

Are you having to load all your kids into the car every time she asks you for a lift? What a cheeky fucker to expect that of you.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 27/02/2023 00:37

I agree with just letting the calls ring out. If she ever mentions it you point out you are so busy with the kids and errands on your days off you rarely get time to even look at your phone.

If you want to be helpful you could (for example) let her know you're going to the supermarket on X day at Y time if she wants to come along.

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 27/02/2023 00:41

Just say no.

Mothership4two · 27/02/2023 01:04

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 27/02/2023 00:41

Just say no.

^^ this with bells on

FictionalCharacter · 27/02/2023 01:24

Kaz001 · 26/02/2023 22:45

She seems to only ask me. And because i work set days. She knows what days im off. Im starting to think everyone else must be saying no. Dp said it's because 'she loves me and can rely on me'. Which i think is bullshit. I feel using me is more appropriate.

Yep! If you don’t have someone to give you a lift, you get there another way. Like I do, and I’m older than her. Buses, trains and taxis. She’s got used to having a free taxi service.

If your husband feels she needs taxis everywhere he could set up an account for her with the local taxi company and pay the bill!

Carlycat · 27/02/2023 01:52

Not your mum. Not your problem. Stop being a mug

YouWithoutEnd · 27/02/2023 02:01

Good grief, my dad is 58 and he’s more likely to give me a lift somewhere than vice versa. I’m 36, I drive.

Led9519 · 27/02/2023 02:03

Are your children all school age or are some at home in the day. If you have young children at home in the day it’s completely unreasonable to strap them in the car as you run around for mil. Even if they’re all school age it’s excessive!
If you’re not getting favours in return like babysitting etc then I’d say that you’re very busy with errands and won’t be able to give her a lift. Could x or y help instead?
Not sure it’s DH’s fault if you’ve got into a pattern of helping her/saying yes. But equally he could have a word with his Mum and say you’ve got your own things to do in the day and not to come to you first for lifts!

Tourmalines · 27/02/2023 02:25

Wow , no !! She’s taking advantage of you . It’s too much . You need to put your foot down . She can get a taxi or public transport. She’s not an invalid.

littlemisscreative · 27/02/2023 02:41

I would just book her a taxi..

sorry I'm busy today I'll book taxi for you.

that way your not having to move but your still helping her get out and about and she can get freedom from getting out of the house without being reliant on anyone. She would probably learn how to do it herself and get used to doing it.

Nimbostratus100 · 27/02/2023 02:42

so, there is no reason at all for her not to be using public transport?

HoppingPavlova · 27/02/2023 02:43

At 58yo she can use public transport. Just say no.

user1492757084 · 27/02/2023 02:45

Answer honestly depending on your day. Say no.

Plan to say yes a couple of times to her most usual appointment but arrange to leave your children at home with baby sitter and take public transport with MIL. Also take a txaxi another time. Gently educate her to be more independant.

She likes your company so while saying no to many appointments keep taking her out for arvo teas every now and again.

RandomMess · 27/02/2023 02:51

Put Uber on her phone and teach her to use it!

Also local taxi firms in her contacts

Imogensmumma · 27/02/2023 03:11

Wow I thought you were going to say she is in her 80’s …58 no she can work it out herself!

Your days off are to spend valuable time with YOUR children not be your MIL driver, even my own mother wouldn’t expect that of me

Once or twice a month be the good daughter in law otherwise no I have plans with my DC

MichelleScarn · 27/02/2023 05:12

That's ridiculous! She's 58? Is she used to being treated as fragile and ran around after? Absolutely back to the ignoring all the requests!

Ragwort · 27/02/2023 05:22

Stop being a mug! My own SM is 90, I am mid 60s (& perfectly able to drive and hold down a job). My DM hates asking me for favours because she knows I am busy... of course as she is 90 I am happy to give her lifts but she uses public transport or gets a taxi so she retains some independence.