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AIBU?

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Original poster

For telling DH to suck it up??

86 replies

SeriouslyCinnamon · 26/02/2023 16:26

So, I've recently accepted a job offer. I've been on mat leave since May last year but I really need to get back to work for financial reasons. My previous job was only a temp contract so I wasn't kept on after mat leave sadly. This new job is perfect in terms of hours as we won't need childcare as my hours work around DHs (I'll be doing evenings/nights and weekends whereas DH works 6am - 2pm in the week). We have two DCs who are 3 and 7 months.

However, as part of this job I will be required to work 1 or 2 night shifts a week, normally 5/6pm - 1/2am. I am happy to do these but DH has kicked up a fuss, claiming it's unfair to get up for work at 5am if he's been up with DC in the night. Our eldest sleeps through but the baby does wake at least once or twice a night. So far I have done 95% of the nights (baby is breastfed but does take a bottle fine) but obviously this will have to change when I go back to work. Am I being harsh for telling him he needs to suck it up and that plenty of parents have to go to work when they've been up in the night with DC? His job isn't dangerous and he doesn't operate machinery or drive to work. Just infuriated as I think he's being childish and selfish but he can't see it!

OP posts:
EL8888 · 26/02/2023 16:32

Yep suck it up buttercup would be my mindset. If you’ve done 95% of the nights then it’s his turn to step up. You both working and not forking out for childcare is a result surely?

Yogazmum · 26/02/2023 16:34

He needs to suck it up.
DH &’I both work shifts so we’ve been woken many times during the day/night when we are trying to sleep. If it’s only 1 night then he needs to count himself lucky!

Viviennemary · 26/02/2023 16:36

Why was this not discussed before you accepted this job. Doesn't sound like this is going to wotk. Will you be home in time for him to leave for works.

DashboardConfessional · 26/02/2023 16:38

Viviennemary · 26/02/2023 16:36

Why was this not discussed before you accepted this job. Doesn't sound like this is going to wotk. Will you be home in time for him to leave for works.

What? She's home by 1am or 2am and DH works 6am-2pm.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2023 16:38

Did you discuss the new job and hours between you and how it’ll work for the whole family? That would seem a more helpful approach than taking it without talking it through then saying suck it up. That’s no way to communicate with your spouse.

pawz · 26/02/2023 16:39

I mean, it sounds terrible tbh! If you're working until 1/2am, what time will you get home? I'd be annoyed if DH decided of his own accord to work 2 nights a week, waking me up to come home at past 2am if he knew I was up at 5am for work! We don't even have DC I'd need to get up in the night with either.

Sounds like you'll be ships in the night! I think any changes like new jobs / hours that impact the family should be discussed as a unit - "suck it up buttercup" isn't helpful or a healthy way to do things as a couple imo.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/02/2023 16:40

Did you not discuss this earlier? The reality may be pretty tough if lack of sleep does become an issue. That said, plenty of people make it work, so suck it up may be the only option!

SkintyFia · 26/02/2023 16:40

I'm sure it will be quite hard on you both, but unfortunately that's life with small kids.

That said, suck it up is a fucking awful attitude; you're supposed to be partners. It doesn't sound like you've communicated that well together about this change.

Octonaut4Life · 26/02/2023 16:41

I think you can calmly explain to him that the alternative is that you take a job with daytime working hours at which point as you're both working days you can take turns getting up in the night so he can do 2 weekday nights one week and 3 nights the next....

Original poster
SeriouslyCinnamon · 26/02/2023 16:43

For those asking yes, we did discuss it when I applied and he seemed okay with it but now it's actually happening and not just theoretical, he seems to have changed his mind which irritates me.

The night shifts are only 1 or 2 a week, max. Not every night. The rest of the week I'll be home by 9pm or working weekends.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/02/2023 16:43

Does he acknowledge that you need to go back to work for financial (and potentially other) reasons? If so, how was he envisaging that the night wakings would work? Was he expecting you to work daytime hours while continuing to be "on duty" for your children overnight?

DashboardConfessional · 26/02/2023 16:45

Being completely honest, it's not the nights that would be bother me if I were him, but the evenings. 5pm - bedtime is the worst bit of the day. We both hate doing bedtime so take turns.

Onnabugeisha · 26/02/2023 16:46

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2023 16:38

Did you discuss the new job and hours between you and how it’ll work for the whole family? That would seem a more helpful approach than taking it without talking it through then saying suck it up. That’s no way to communicate with your spouse.

^This

You may think the hours are perfect, but he obviously doesn’t agree. You both should have discussed all this prior to you taking an job. I can see why, it’s not only the situation where neither of you gets a break as with you working or him working seven days a week, there is also zero family time in the schedule.

You’ll be two ships passing in the night and this often leads to married couples feeling like strangers flat sharing.

What is so bad about a bit of childcare?

EL8888 · 26/02/2023 16:47

Octonaut4Life · 26/02/2023 16:41

I think you can calmly explain to him that the alternative is that you take a job with daytime working hours at which point as you're both working days you can take turns getting up in the night so he can do 2 weekday nights one week and 3 nights the next....

This. Plus childcare will need to be paid for

A lot of men get too cosy and complacent while women are on maternity leave. Then get the hump when they need to do their fair share -or even less than that. It’s like they want maternity leave to continue with women doing the vast majority of heavy lifting but somehow for women to earn money at the same time

Original poster
SeriouslyCinnamon · 26/02/2023 16:47

And I haven't actually told him to suck it up. But I'm certainly thinking it!

OP posts:
Original poster
SeriouslyCinnamon · 26/02/2023 16:49

Also, I big point I forgot to add (sorry), the job is part time. So I will be home a good portion of the week.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 26/02/2023 16:51

Many working and none working Mums have to get to bed when the baby does, 9pm etc to get enough sleep. That's what he'll have to do.

Stopthatknocking · 26/02/2023 16:52

If you get home at 2am and he leaves before 6, when will you sleep? You can't get look after the dc on less than 4 hours sleep!

Ponoka7 · 26/02/2023 17:02

Also, it won't be that long until the children sleep through.

LaughingCat · 26/02/2023 17:08

Woo, read the thread before voting and nope, YANBU. You discussed this with him beforehand, it’s part time hours, it means you don’t have to pay childcare…you took all the right steps.

If he’s getting cold feet now, that’s his problem. He’ll just have to go to bed early with the kiddies to get his sleep in like the rest of us.

Original poster
SeriouslyCinnamon · 26/02/2023 17:09

@LaughingCat yeah I did miss a few important points out. Whoops 😅

OP posts:
LumpyandBumps · 26/02/2023 17:16

How does he think most parents operate? Either me or DH had to deal with children waking at night before getting up around 6.00am to get the children up and ready to go to nursery. He might have to get up at 5.00am but he will then only need to get himself ready.
His sleep may be interrupted, but normally he will still get some shuteye.
I assume he is quite happy for you to care for the fully awake children during the day when you have had NO sleep?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 26/02/2023 17:17

He can deal with it! My parents functioned like this for nearly a decade when we were little as they couldn’t afford childcare and had to work shifts around each other! We’ve both got fab relationship with both of them as they shared our care equally.

Cocobutt · 26/02/2023 17:19

What time does your DCs get up?

If you don’t finish until 2am and your DCs are up at say 7 - that’s only 5 hours of sleep which by the time you actually get home and fall to sleep is more like 3 hours of sleep.

Highfivemum · 26/02/2023 17:23

Are you working because you need too ? Or because you want too ? If you don’t need to but want to then I would say you need to work alongside your DH for both of your sakes. If you need to work then it is a case of trying to work what is best for you both . It isn’t just the night wakes. ( though are your DC age I would be certainly trying to sort that out as they have no need to be waking twice in the night ) but it is also your marriage. And your time together too. Sounds like it will be one jump in bed and one jump out.

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