For telling DH to suck it up??

[SeriouslyCinnamon]

So, I've recently accepted a job offer. I've been on mat leave since May last year but I really need to get back to work for financial reasons. My previous job was only a temp contract so I wasn't kept on after mat leave sadly. This new job is perfect in terms of hours as we won't need childcare as my hours work around DHs (I'll be doing evenings/nights and weekends whereas DH works 6am - 2pm in the week). We have two DCs who are 3 and 7 months.

However, as part of this job I will be required to work 1 or 2 night shifts a week, normally 5/6pm - 1/2am. I am happy to do these but DH has kicked up a fuss, claiming it's unfair to get up for work at 5am if he's been up with DC in the night. Our eldest sleeps through but the baby does wake at least once or twice a night. So far I have done 95% of the nights (baby is breastfed but does take a bottle fine) but obviously this will have to change when I go back to work. Am I being harsh for telling him he needs to suck it up and that plenty of parents have to go to work when they've been up in the night with DC? His job isn't dangerous and he doesn't operate machinery or drive to work. Just infuriated as I think he's being childish and selfish but he can't see it!

Sounds like hell tbh

OP says she'd start work at 5pm though.

Say an hour commute (on average) each - he gets in at 3pm, she has to leave at 4pm, but in that hour she'll need to leave him to sort the children while she gets ready for work. Then he's on his own 4pm-2am with them, and has to get up at 5am the next day for work.

OP is then planning to put DC in childcare twice a week so she can sleep, but when will he get the same opportunity?

On thé nights she’s not working?

Depending on her shifts, that could be one night a week if she's only doing evenings/nights and not a weekend day.

I just think it all seems very upside down. She says she's working evenings/weekends to save on childcare, but then is planning to pay for two days of childcare anyway.

It would make more sense to just do evenings (say, 4-9pm) in a supermarket or something and avoid the problem of coming home at 2am and being sleep-deprived in the first place.

This is a good point and she said this would be 2x a week during M-F.

If they were both getting up for work at 6am would he suggest splitting the nights, or would he not suggest anything thinking by default you’ll do nights then go to work? That’s your answer. If he’d have been ok with you doing it, he should be ok with him doing it.

But that's just for the night shifts - she's also said she'll be doing some evenings which take her out of the house until 9pm or so.

Admittedly that won't impact his sleep like nights do, but I do think it's a shift pattern that has the potential to create as many problems as it solves.

I agree. There will be no family life and imagine planning the DCs birthdays when there is no day in any week where both parents are off work.

Working til 1/2am isn't a night shift

Sincerely.

Someone who works nights

🤣🤣

Suck it up, it's a temporary problem. You can do some sleep training/baby will grow out of it.

I think it could be tough on both of you. Your DH may find it hard to get much sleep if he is up with baby a few times then you disturb him coming in at 2am,. Likewise you will just be going to sleep when he gets up for work, then you will not have long before the children wake you up again.

I wonder where the hand wringing for all the women up and down the country that are in the exact same situation or worse is . You know , the women whose husbands do night shifts, work away , have unsociable hours etc.
Or for the families that work double those hours and have their kids in childcare because they have to.

His mighty penis won't fall off looking after his kids two nights a week and for another 9 hours (that's what , two more days if that?) until her hours add up.

He knew the shift pattern. He said yes. Now that he has to actually do it, he's saying no. That's not reasonable or fair.

OP working days only means he'd expect her to do all the night wakings AND go to work the next morning. How is that preferable or better FOR HER?

OP working days only means he'd expect her to do all the night wakings AND go to work the next morning. How is that preferable or better FOR HER?

Thats a massive assumption purely based on your contempt.

Not at all. He's kicking off because he has to wake up with the baby and then go to work. Not because he won't see OP, not because it's eating in family time, not because she won't get much sleep either.

I am happy to do these but DH has kicked up a fuss, claiming it's unfair to get up for work at 5am if he's been up with DC in the night

OP does 95% of nights at the moment.

Do you seriously think the only issue he has with the job, being awake at night with the baby, will disappear with a day job? Or that he'll suddenly be happy to wake up in the night even if OP shares the load with him?

Or that he'll continue as he is now with OP doing the majority of wakeups because she'll be there and he still needs to wake up at 5 am.

It's not contempt, it's being realistic.

He's being silly. If you were single parents, you'd have no choice but to do the singular night waking plus wake up for work. And plenty of people have 'normal' working patterns where they do that anyway.

It might not be great, but the baby won't be a baby forever, you probably won't be in this job forever.

You are so right. It's always the woman who has to compromise, and even when she does (by working part time) it's still not good enough. Because god forbid the dad has to deal with the baby once a night.

I wonder where the hand wringing for all the women up and down the country that are in the exact same situation or worse is . You know , the women whose husbands do night shifts, work away , have unsociable hours etc.

There are lots of threads on here from women who are annoyed because their partners work nights and they get no time together, or because they sleep the day away when they're off shift.

Or for the families that work double those hours and have their kids in childcare because they have to.

I have every sympathy but this thread is r about them 🤷🏻‍♀️

His mighty penis won't fall off looking after his kids two nights a week and for another 9 hours (that's what , two more days if that?) until her hours add up.

Nobody said it would but they doesn't mean he has to be happy about it - it will be pretty pants all round for everyone.

He knew the shift pattern. He said yes. Now that he has to actually do it, he's saying no. That's not reasonable or fair.

I agree with this - he should never have said yes in the first place if he wasn't happy with the arrangement.

OP working days only means he'd expect her to do all the night wakings AND go to work the next morning. How is that preferable or better FOR HER?

If she goes back to work they can split the night wakings - I assume she does them all now as she's on maternity leave. It would also better because her body wouldn't be dealing with constant sleep deprivation after getting home at 2am and being woken at 5am when he leaves for work.

All of this!

Great point! And this is only 1 or 2 nights in a week and not even all night.

The hours sound great for your family. And as the baby gets older they'll soon be sleeping through the night.

Well it doesn't sound at all ideal, but if you discussed it and you need the cash, then yes he needs to suck it up, for now.

But if you are going to be paying to put your child in nursery so you can sleep.. it's not really going to work for either of you. So if you do do it, you either need to actively looking for something else asap, or he does. You have got two sets of atypical hours there, and that is going to be tough.

Men are so pampered, yes he has to crack on and look after HUD's kids like you have too when he goes to work, take no notice off all the judgy posters OP, anyone would think it was the end of the world they way some posters behave on here.

It costs a lot of money. Many couples do this in order to not have to pay it.

It costs a lot of money. Many couples do this in order to not have to pay it.

But she still wants to pay for childcare so she can catch up on sleep after her 2am finishes.

It's like the worst of both worlds.

The amount of misogyny on this thread is absolutely astonishing and people are so negative;the OP has found a permanent job,they need the money and they'd be able to manage with the cost of childcare for two children.

Let's face it;the issue is the OP's partner doesn't want to do his fair share of parenting;the OP will only be working 37.5% less hours than her partner and no doubt contributing significantly to the household income (I'm guessing the 6-2 shift is warehouse based or similar) and yet is expected to do all the childcare.

I don't think it's misogynistic to be realistic about how tough this kind of opposing shift pattern can be on relationships and family life.

I'd be saying exactly the same thing if OP was the one who worked a 9-5 and her partner was wanting to work evenings, nights and weekends.

On paper it looks great but the reality is very different, and I say that as someone who's done it several times in different relationships - even without children it was tough.