For telling DH to suck it up??

[SeriouslyCinnamon]

So, I've recently accepted a job offer. I've been on mat leave since May last year but I really need to get back to work for financial reasons. My previous job was only a temp contract so I wasn't kept on after mat leave sadly. This new job is perfect in terms of hours as we won't need childcare as my hours work around DHs (I'll be doing evenings/nights and weekends whereas DH works 6am - 2pm in the week). We have two DCs who are 3 and 7 months.

However, as part of this job I will be required to work 1 or 2 night shifts a week, normally 5/6pm - 1/2am. I am happy to do these but DH has kicked up a fuss, claiming it's unfair to get up for work at 5am if he's been up with DC in the night. Our eldest sleeps through but the baby does wake at least once or twice a night. So far I have done 95% of the nights (baby is breastfed but does take a bottle fine) but obviously this will have to change when I go back to work. Am I being harsh for telling him he needs to suck it up and that plenty of parents have to go to work when they've been up in the night with DC? His job isn't dangerous and he doesn't operate machinery or drive to work. Just infuriated as I think he's being childish and selfish but he can't see it!

WTF?!

It doesn't matter why the OP is working. If she wants to, then her DH should absolutely respect that. There is no law that makes her the default for taking care of the kids.

Honestly, that arrangement wouldn't work for us - we'd both be shattered and hardly see each other. So I don't think your DH is being unreasonable objecting.

@Highfivemum we do need the money but also tbh I don't have any desire to be a SAHM. Again the job is part time. I'll be working max 25 hours a week. We'll be able to have time together. And youngest DC is only 7 months, surely not that unusual to wake in the night at that age?

If you're getting in at 2am and he's up at 5am, will you actually be getting enough sleep to look after children all day and then potentially working the next night as well?

I think on the surface this may look perfect as it means no childcare, the reality will actually be quite tough on everyone. If it was financially possible, I think I'd prefer to pay for childcare than do what you propose.

Think he will.

You have done 95% of the wakings up until now🙄.

He'll have to go to bed early like most parents would do in this situation.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts luckily I won't be doing 2 nights in a row, but I am considering perhaps putting DC in nursery for a couple of days a week just to give me a chance to catch up on sleep.

If that's the case, would it not make more sense to work during the day - so weekends plus a weekday or two?

It would make evenings and nights a lot easier and you won't be exhausted and like ships passing in the night.

It sounds really tough on both of you.

I’m not going to comment on whether any party should be sucking anything up, as barely seeing one another, being up at 5am every day to start working, working nights and dealing with a non-sleeping through baby sounds incredibly hard.

I agree - one person working evening / nights / weekends puts so much pressure on everyone - especially with such a young child.

You're not wrong but unfortunately jobs like the ones you describe are hard to come by where I live. It was either full time during the week, which would mean extortionate childcare fees (my entire salary), or part time evenings/nights and weekends.

and when will dh get down time to catch up on sleep if you're out most evenings?

Of course he should support you going back to work but you need to be realistic about how much you both can juggle and still find for yourselves and each other.

That’s my thought too. For a 25hr a week job, the 3yr old will have free childcare too. It’s only the 7mo old they’d have to jointly pay for.

Having one parent or the other always at work with night, evening and weekend shifts ruins things as there goes all family days out. There goes birthday dinners or weekend parties. You’re trapped in a Groundhog Day situation because every day is a work day.

@SomersetONeil @dootball the job is part time (I realise I forgot to put that in original OP). Max 25 hours a week. I agree that if it was full time nights it would be very difficult and I wouldn't do it, but surely part time is manageable?

The arrangement sounds awful tbh. The job doesn't sound perfect at all if this is the compromise you all have to make. If you're considering putting dc in nursery so you can sleep then is it possible to get a job working in the daytime?

Is the main issue with childcare affordability? If you're both on a low income you might be able to claim some ££ back from UC depending on your circumstances as a whole. Or if you're not eligible then look into tax free childcare.

I mention it because I've noticed a lot of people have an objection to paying for childcare on principle.

@SeriouslyCinnamon
If he doesn't want the responsibility of kids, then don't do the dance with no pants.
Quoting Sheldon Cooper

Not at all. You discussed with him previously, you told him the hours/shift pattern, he agreed so you went for the job on that basis.

You need the job both financially and because you don't want to be a SAHM. Both equally valid reasons.

It's only part time so you'll still be around plenty during the week and at most two nights a week.

If you had a day job ,by his reasoning he'd still expect you to do all night time wakings and then go to work. Well , then he can do the same.

Sounds to me like he was hoping you wouldn't get the job, or if you did you'd do your best not to inconvenience him and now the reality of having to parent (shock,horror) is making him kick off.

The job sounds perfect!

If he is worried about getting up in the night with a baby and then having to get up at for work at 5am then he just needs to go to bed early on the 1 or 2 nights a week that you are working. He has no grounds to complain.

I went back to teaching when my twins were 7 months old and managed to stand in front of a stroppy teenagers and teach having had very broken and very little sleep some nights! It's life - just get on with it!

Childcare costs are only temporary, but the damage opposite shift work can do to relationships can be really long-lasting.

I don't say that to scare you or worry you, but there are so many threads on here from people who do shifts like this and it has such a huge impact on family life.

I think it's worth sitting down with DH and addressing his concerns because they are valid ones - so - will you get a regular weekend day off, for example? How many evenings will he be expected to do tea, bath and bed plus the majority of night-wakings? When will you get a chance to spend time as a family/couple if one of you is always at work?

Personally I'd be questioning the logic of your plans if you're going to be paying for childcare anyway - it seems like the worst of both worlds.

YANBU X

It doesn't sound ideal.

On the other hand, I assume that a more family-friendly work pattern would require you to pay for childcare?

If he doesn't want to do this you will have to work some unsociable hours, presumably.

There are always such hostile responses on threads like this - saying 'oh tell him to suck it up' - surely that isn't how family life works? If I got up for work at 6am yes I would definitely be a bit concerned about a baby waking at night and the other parent not being there for support

It sounds a very tiring set up - and I"m saying that as someone who has worked nights for many years - I've done all sorts of shifts and actually some of the worst were th early starts - I used to work 7 til 3 and that was tiring enough - I was definitely in need of a good sleep when getting up before 6

I think working nights when you have a baby will be horrific - I know people do it, ie. nurses doctors etc but Believe me - nights made me feel absolutely shit even before I had kids.

and agree - why put dc in nursery for sleep - surely more sensible you work during the day and dc goes to nursery while you work?!

Do not underestimate how bad it is for you to work during the night - studies have shown it to be really bad for your body/ mind.

Surely this is just one of those scenarios where you try it and see.

Give yourself a time frame; say 3 months, where you do the job, see how it impacts on your lifestyle, relationship, bank balance, sleep patterns etc and if it works, great, if it doesn't look for something else.

But he'll need to put the effort in too, such as early nights when you're doing night shifts etc, he doesn't get the say "it's too hard" if he hasn't actually tried to make it work.

It’s part time, but you barely see each other.

And if your approach to each other is ‘suck it up’ / ‘like it or lump it’, it’s just not conducive to a happy, functioning, mutually supportive relationship.

I get that you’re probably just using that phraseology for effect on this thread.

But, still. It seems like a really demanding set-up that is going to take a toll on all of you. And if you’re going into it with the mindset of ‘shut up and get on with it’, I fear resentment is going to set in.

Seriously - if you’re going to utilise childcare, use it to work, not sleep. At least that way, you get to spend time together and you don’t have to lose your evenings, nights and weekends to work.

@SomersetONeil how are you adding OP's hours up?

Her night shifts are 8 hours each, two a week and that's 16 hours already which leaves her only 9 to work on the other days. 25 hours total out of a whole week and her partner finishes work at 2 pm, even with the longest commute he'd still be home by 5 o'clock. Plenty of hours to see each other, spend time as a family , have time to themselves etc.

He's only kicking off because he has to wake up with the baby, no mention about not not seeing OP or anything else. That's selfish .