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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s going away tomorrow and literally just mentioned it

82 replies

Didiaa · 25/02/2023 15:10

I was with my boyfriend up until just before Christmas. It was a bit of a shite time to be honest, lots of change for me with my work and obviously the breakup. He ended things with me. I was really really hurt at the time because it was just before Christmas and literally just a few days before my birthday.

We ended up meeting up between Christmas and new year so he could “give me my things back”. Ended up staying at his. After we had sex he said “I love you”, which I put down to wed just had sex to be fair. He drove me home the next day after spending the whole day together. We were talking at length about the breakup, and he was saying he thinks he acted too hastily and he can’t get over it, said he’d been depressed since we split.

Well we did the exact same thing last weekend. I arrived on Friday night, we spoke until very late at night, slept in bed together, woke up, spent Saturday together, slept together on the Saturday night and then he dropped me home the Sunday evening.

he calls me all the time for long periods of time, texts me daily.. to be honest, nothing has changed that much since the split. He is very open with still bringing me around his friends and they have told me that he hasn’t told them much about the breakup at all.

I find it all very strange to be honest, in a kind of limbo situation. So I text him on Wednesday asking if we could have a call later on that day. He said yeah, I’ll call at 6. He didn’t. On Thursday he rang me whilst I was at work, but I couldn’t answer. I said I’d ring him today. He replied last night saying

“ah i can’t do tomorrow morning I’m going to Spain for a few weeks to see my family. I’ll probably be free just before I go for a bit?”

AIBU to think he’s just taking the piss? Surely he could have mentioned this last weekend when I was there that he’d be going away for a few weeks? Obviously it’s his life and he can go where he pleases, but I just feel so utterly humiliated by it and I’m not even sure why

OP posts:
saveforthat · 25/02/2023 15:15

Yes, he is taking the piss and you are letting him. Walk away while you still have some self respect left.

Hillrunning · 25/02/2023 15:15

He isn't that into you. Jsut likes having you on hand to pass time. Move on, he isn't making you happy.

LetThemEatTurnips · 25/02/2023 15:17

Just dump him and find someone who treats you with respect. You are a doormat and people will take the piss if you let them. Sorry but he is not good enough for you Flowers

Sirzy · 25/02/2023 15:22

So you split up, had sex afterwards then again six weeks after?

that’s not a relationship so no I wouldn’t expect him to tell you in advance about a holiday. But personally I would take a step back and move on

Original poster
Didiaa · 25/02/2023 15:24

Sirzy · 25/02/2023 15:22

So you split up, had sex afterwards then again six weeks after?

that’s not a relationship so no I wouldn’t expect him to tell you in advance about a holiday. But personally I would take a step back and move on

I mean I did write this

he calls me all the time for long periods of time, texts me daily.. to be honest, nothing has changed that much since the split. He is very open with still bringing me around his friends and they have told me that he hasn’t told them much about the breakup at all.

aware it’s not a relationship, but we’ve either spoken or seen each other daily, why did it need to be avoided in conversation?

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 25/02/2023 15:25

He’s completely taking the piss. Time to ditch this one for good.

ShowOfHands · 25/02/2023 15:27

He likes having sex with you because you're happy to do it. He doesn't like you enough for a relationship. That's the bottom line. He'll be, quite cleverly, talking about a messed up head and complicated feelings and how much he likes you, maybe a foray into being scared of his feelings and so on. It's a steaming heap of shite. But it works every time.

Walk away.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 25/02/2023 15:27

He likes you for the free sex but doesn't like you enough for a relationship.

Bin him you're wasting your time.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 25/02/2023 15:28

He's using you.

Why are you letting a man control your life? Letting you live in a world of stringing you along?

Get over him. it's not a relationship. He doesn't love you. he loves using you

Oysterbabe · 25/02/2023 15:28

You're a fuck buddy, he doesn't have to tell you anything. Do yourself a favour and block him.

IncompleteSenten · 25/02/2023 15:29

Apart from when you're having sex, how much time have you spent together since the split?

ShandaLear · 25/02/2023 15:29

You’ve been downgraded to an FWB.

ShowOfHands · 25/02/2023 15:30

Didiaa · 25/02/2023 15:24

I mean I did write this

he calls me all the time for long periods of time, texts me daily.. to be honest, nothing has changed that much since the split. He is very open with still bringing me around his friends and they have told me that he hasn’t told them much about the breakup at all.

aware it’s not a relationship, but we’ve either spoken or seen each other daily, why did it need to be avoided in conversation?

Show quote history

He doesn't want a relationship with you and doesn't see you as a girlfriend so wouldn't have occured to him to consider your feelings around his movements. Likely, he doesn't have anybody else lined up so is happy to keep the status quo as it's easy for him. Bit of easy company, bit of sex, easy dates to keep him entertained. Can walk away when he finds somebody else because he has made zero promises.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2023 15:31

What all of them said.

Also, there's probably someone in Spain and now he can shag her guilt-free because he's 'not in a relationship'.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 25/02/2023 15:31

He’s using you for sex. Yes, he would have told you earlier if he thought he had a future with you. Sorry.

Original poster
Didiaa · 25/02/2023 15:31

IncompleteSenten · 25/02/2023 15:29

Apart from when you're having sex, how much time have you spent together since the split?

Quite a lot. A few days per week usually. We FaceTime every day.

OP posts:
Gooseysgirl · 25/02/2023 15:32

I'm sorry OP... he is absolutely using you for a shag. It's called a breakup because it's broken... an that is a direct quote from this book that I highly recommend reading.... 'He's Just Not That Into You' Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo. Time to get shot of him once and for all.

Mehmeh22 · 25/02/2023 15:33

Yeah it would have been respectful to tell you he was going to Spain, but as everyone said, he doesn't respect you enough to tell you. He wants all the nice bits of a relationship without the graft/responsibility. Please dump him and find someone who can treat you with respect

TomatoSandwiches · 25/02/2023 15:33

So he split just before your birthday and Christmas, I assume he didn't get you a present for either occasion, very convenient.

Then once a little time has past he fucks you, tells you he loves you ( manipulative ) and keeps you hanging emotionally for 6 weeks and then fucks you again because he knows you're willing to do so with little effort.

He doesn't love or respect you, he uses you and keeps you around because he doesn't have to put much effort in to get what he wants from you and when you complain he can turn around and say " but we're not boyfriend or girlfriend anymore. "

Stop allowing him to treat you this way, it's not healthy and I'm sure he is probably laughing about you with his friends behind your back.

Sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2023 15:35

We FaceTime every day.

How much of the FT sessions is spent on him, his interests, his feelings, his stuff?

May I recommend arementalkingtoomuch.com/

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/02/2023 15:36

He's taking the piss because you're letting him.

Block him and find someone who actually gives a shit about you.

grayhairdontcare · 25/02/2023 15:37

You are Convenient sex and nothing else

Emmamoo89 · 25/02/2023 15:40

Walk away x

Original poster
Didiaa · 25/02/2023 16:10

TomatoSandwiches · 25/02/2023 15:33

So he split just before your birthday and Christmas, I assume he didn't get you a present for either occasion, very convenient.

Then once a little time has past he fucks you, tells you he loves you ( manipulative ) and keeps you hanging emotionally for 6 weeks and then fucks you again because he knows you're willing to do so with little effort.

He doesn't love or respect you, he uses you and keeps you around because he doesn't have to put much effort in to get what he wants from you and when you complain he can turn around and say " but we're not boyfriend or girlfriend anymore. "

Stop allowing him to treat you this way, it's not healthy and I'm sure he is probably laughing about you with his friends behind your back.

Sorry.

It’s hard to hear, but yes, this seems about right. I’ve got form for being a bit of a pushover, so no surprise that I’ve been an idiot here too. Hopefully I can grow out of it but who knows.

he did get me a birthday and Christmas present, not that it makes much difference.

OP posts:
ItchyBillco · 25/02/2023 16:26

You feel humiliated because even though he dumped you, he used you for a shag afterwards.

Cut him off. Move on. The Spain thing will probably be a blessing, so long as you fully cut contact.

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