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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s going away tomorrow and literally just mentioned it

82 replies

Didiaa · 25/02/2023 15:10

I was with my boyfriend up until just before Christmas. It was a bit of a shite time to be honest, lots of change for me with my work and obviously the breakup. He ended things with me. I was really really hurt at the time because it was just before Christmas and literally just a few days before my birthday.

We ended up meeting up between Christmas and new year so he could “give me my things back”. Ended up staying at his. After we had sex he said “I love you”, which I put down to wed just had sex to be fair. He drove me home the next day after spending the whole day together. We were talking at length about the breakup, and he was saying he thinks he acted too hastily and he can’t get over it, said he’d been depressed since we split.

Well we did the exact same thing last weekend. I arrived on Friday night, we spoke until very late at night, slept in bed together, woke up, spent Saturday together, slept together on the Saturday night and then he dropped me home the Sunday evening.

he calls me all the time for long periods of time, texts me daily.. to be honest, nothing has changed that much since the split. He is very open with still bringing me around his friends and they have told me that he hasn’t told them much about the breakup at all.

I find it all very strange to be honest, in a kind of limbo situation. So I text him on Wednesday asking if we could have a call later on that day. He said yeah, I’ll call at 6. He didn’t. On Thursday he rang me whilst I was at work, but I couldn’t answer. I said I’d ring him today. He replied last night saying

“ah i can’t do tomorrow morning I’m going to Spain for a few weeks to see my family. I’ll probably be free just before I go for a bit?”

AIBU to think he’s just taking the piss? Surely he could have mentioned this last weekend when I was there that he’d be going away for a few weeks? Obviously it’s his life and he can go where he pleases, but I just feel so utterly humiliated by it and I’m not even sure why

OP posts:
12345onceicaughtafishalive678910 · 25/02/2023 19:29

He's using you as a place holder and probably taking someone else to Spain.

GlassBunion · 25/02/2023 19:57

He's showing you no respect.
You are just waiting around for his crumbs of comfort , be they words or deeds.

I strongly suspect that you're not the only one that he's using.

Greentree1 · 25/02/2023 20:33

Tell him, I'm free I'll come with you to Spain it will be great, if he says no you know what's up.

Eatentoomanyroses · 25/02/2023 20:35

Yes he doesn’t like you

rwalker · 25/02/2023 20:59

The dynamic of your relationship has changed you are no longer partners

tbh the contact and calls are just familiar routine
sex is just sex

this set up in nether one thing or another I don’t think anyone is a villain in this set up but there’s very blurred line between friendship and relationship
long term someone going to get hurt and more than likely it will be you

Original poster
Didiaa · 25/02/2023 21:02

12345onceicaughtafishalive678910 · 25/02/2023 19:29

He's using you as a place holder and probably taking someone else to Spain.

He’s going to see his parents (and it’s not Spain, just didn’t want to be outing…) doubt you’d take someone here, it’s not a tourist attraction

OP posts:
Bubblebubblebah · 25/02/2023 21:15

You are friends with benefits.

All the calling is way toouch effor for 2 sessions in 2 something months. He probably just enjoys talking to you. Doesn't mean it's enough for relationship. I didn't telly fuck buddy (when i had some) my holiday plans either. No reason to really.

I agree with pp. You sound like if you have no agency. Just decide what you want and tell him.

Clymene · 25/02/2023 21:19

To go back to the question at the end of your OP - no, you're not wrong to feel humiliated and there is a really good reason why you feel like that.

I hope this thread has shown you that. You're not wrong to feel uncomfortable. You're not wrong to have boundaries.

If you afford it - and I'd honestly prioritise it over a holiday - get yourself some good therapy. You deserve so, so much better. And you deserve to believe that.

Hawkins003 · 25/02/2023 21:22

@Didiaa
Maybe it's a last moment project that's just become urgent and he needs to fly out ?

Mari9999 · 25/02/2023 21:24

Don't necessarily buy into this "he was using you ; he has no respect for you." It is equally possible that he thought as both of you were now free and unencumbered you might enjoy a no strings attached interaction. Assuming that you received as much pleasure as he did from the brief time together, how were you used? Hopefully, you gave companionship and pleasure and received the same in return. Neither of you made any promises and there was no need for a break up as you were effectively FWB.

You have learned that the FWB status does not work for you. Neither of you took more than you gave. There was no using involved. He is gone on to his vacation and you should go on with your life.

Stop beating yourself up and stop blaming him. You were 2 consenting adults who enjoyed each others company for a bit and now that interlude is over.

Original poster
Didiaa · 25/02/2023 21:32

Mari9999 · 25/02/2023 21:24

Don't necessarily buy into this "he was using you ; he has no respect for you." It is equally possible that he thought as both of you were now free and unencumbered you might enjoy a no strings attached interaction. Assuming that you received as much pleasure as he did from the brief time together, how were you used? Hopefully, you gave companionship and pleasure and received the same in return. Neither of you made any promises and there was no need for a break up as you were effectively FWB.

You have learned that the FWB status does not work for you. Neither of you took more than you gave. There was no using involved. He is gone on to his vacation and you should go on with your life.

Stop beating yourself up and stop blaming him. You were 2 consenting adults who enjoyed each others company for a bit and now that interlude is over.

I know very few people who would opt for a FWB situation immediately after a breakup. Lines have obviously been blurred somewhere, we were acting like nothing had happened. Still meeting up, still going on “dates” to restaurants, still calling each other everyday, texting daily, going out with each other as plus ones to events. I get you can do that with a fuck buddy, but not immediately after a breakup.

Add in the “I love yous” and constant talk of regretting the breakup, regretting how he handled things etc… I think it’s normal for me to be a bit confused by this.

We’ve only slept together twice, but we’ve slept in bed together cuddling and kissing nearly every time we’ve met up.

OP posts:
Mehmeh22 · 25/02/2023 22:54

Fact remains...go by his actions, not words. He didn't tell you about this trip so doesn't feel you are boyfriend and girlfriend. Do yourself a favour and throw this one back. It only will end in heartache.....for you.

JFDIYOLO · 26/02/2023 02:06

There are four billion of them on the planet. This one's rubbish. Get up off the floor, walk away and find your self respect.

strawberryandcreams · 26/02/2023 02:10

Shall we stop acting like the OP is losing self respect for someone else's shitty behaviour. On par with victim blaming tbh.
Yes in time, OP, you will realise he's a wanker. But you haven't lost anything by going back.
Sorry he's treated you this way.

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 26/02/2023 02:46

In his head he has downgraded this relationship to friends with benefits.

He'll take the nice bits but he doesn't think you're a in a real relationship and he doesn't see himself as committed.

This is obvious to everyone but you.

He has not asked you to get back together with him.

He doesn't need to take you into account when he makes plans.

Stop talking to him everyday.

He's only doing it until he finds someone else.

Sorry but you are kidding yourself into thinking you're back together. You're not.

JudgeRudy · 26/02/2023 03:00

It's unusual behaviour I'll give you that. I'm guessing he just doesn't want the pressure/expectation of a relationship. If you're OK with that to you might get along fine. You certainly seemed to be.
I'd find it strange though that he hadn't mentioned going away for a few weeks. Days yes, weeks though....odd.
I don't think he's using you for sex, I actually think he's very fond of you but by defining your relationship you therefore define expectations and he's not ready to commit. I don't think he's hiding anything, he simply doesn't want to feel obliged to tell you.

I think you're probably of the opinion that he should tell you he's going away....but what you actually feel is he should want to. That's different. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to commit.
Just keep this in mind - you decide what happens next.

2021mumma · 26/02/2023 03:26

Take back the control of this situation.

He doesn’t want to be in a relationship but wants to keep you close as he doesn’t want you to meet anyone else first.

Have a clean break whilst he is away, cut contact and try and move on from him. Good luck

Bubblebubblebah · 26/02/2023 08:15

strawberryandcreams · 26/02/2023 02:10

Shall we stop acting like the OP is losing self respect for someone else's shitty behaviour. On par with victim blaming tbh.
Yes in time, OP, you will realise he's a wanker. But you haven't lost anything by going back.
Sorry he's treated you this way.

She isn't a victim thought. She is an adult who have willingly entered and continued non dangerous situation because it suited her as much as it suited the guy.

Might come as surprise to many here, but women do have some agency in these things. We really need to stop pretending all the time that women are always victims to these smart callous sex pest men because we are simply too dumb to realise or something.
This is not grooming or abuse situation. This is just two people being weird about their relationship status and now it fully hit home that this is not what op wants. Simple.

Just break up. Actually break up

msteams · 26/02/2023 11:18

Bubblebubblebah · 26/02/2023 08:15

She isn't a victim thought. She is an adult who have willingly entered and continued non dangerous situation because it suited her as much as it suited the guy.

Might come as surprise to many here, but women do have some agency in these things. We really need to stop pretending all the time that women are always victims to these smart callous sex pest men because we are simply too dumb to realise or something.
This is not grooming or abuse situation. This is just two people being weird about their relationship status and now it fully hit home that this is not what op wants. Simple.

Just break up. Actually break up

Show quote history

Oh what a load of shit. So anyone who’s ever been in a rubbish situation is there through their own volition, and we shouldn’t consider that the other person has perhaps given them indication that things aren’t as clear cut as they seem? Hardly a “sex pest” man who’s slept with OP twice but spoken to her daily, taken her on dates, and spent time with her in person without having sec with her.

If OP hasn’t got a lot of relationship or life experience, it’s not out of the realms of possibility for her to think that her ex either wants to get back with her or is at least thinking about it.

people choose to remain in shit situations for a number of reasons - telling someone they’ve got agency and to put a stop to it is hardly advice. If she thought she could do that, she wouldn’t be posting here. She obviously wants some kind of insight into his behaviour from others (which she has got here) not just people saying she needs to grow a pair and get rid basically.

Singleorigincoffee · 26/02/2023 11:26

Sorry Op. He sounds like a prat. Time to dump and move on.

ShowOfHands · 26/02/2023 11:58

Add in the “I love yous” and constant talk of regretting the breakup, regretting how he handled things etc… I think it’s normal for me to be a bit confused by this

So during these constant conversations about him regretting splitting up with you, what does he say when you suggest the simple solution is to get back together?

Bubblebubblebah · 26/02/2023 12:05

msteams · 26/02/2023 11:18

Oh what a load of shit. So anyone who’s ever been in a rubbish situation is there through their own volition, and we shouldn’t consider that the other person has perhaps given them indication that things aren’t as clear cut as they seem? Hardly a “sex pest” man who’s slept with OP twice but spoken to her daily, taken her on dates, and spent time with her in person without having sec with her.

If OP hasn’t got a lot of relationship or life experience, it’s not out of the realms of possibility for her to think that her ex either wants to get back with her or is at least thinking about it.

people choose to remain in shit situations for a number of reasons - telling someone they’ve got agency and to put a stop to it is hardly advice. If she thought she could do that, she wouldn’t be posting here. She obviously wants some kind of insight into his behaviour from others (which she has got here) not just people saying she needs to grow a pair and get rid basically.

Show quote history

Loads of rubbish is the constant presentation of women as naive victims with no will or agency on here.

The situation obviously suited op (for whatever reason) otherwise she would have question it before, like maybe when sex was on the table, not only when he does something to displease here. No victims here either side

Bionesque · 26/02/2023 12:12

Why are you posting, OP?

Bionesque · 26/02/2023 12:13

Are we posters representing the part of you that knows and sees sense, so that you can shoot us down and justify spending time with a man who doesn't value you? It seems that way to me.

limoncelloo · 26/02/2023 12:21

I had an ex like this.

To put it simply what to came down to was what a lot of posters have described- he wanted the comforts and benefits of the relationship but without the commitment.

He wanted parts of it, parts of me, but not all of it.

Whenever I questioned anything with this ex it was "well we aren't together".

But at the same time he blurred the line for me by acting like we were together in almost every way, telling me he regretted the break up, love of his life. You name it, he said it.

It's all a manipulation tactic.

It softens the blow of the breakup for them as you are still there to comfort them until they can fully accept it and move on, or meet someone else.