How do you discipline a "spirited" toddler?

[MooseBreath]

I am at my wits' end.

DS is 2y9m and an absolute terror spirited. I hate saying spirited because it's associated with parents who let their children run riot, but DS is seemingly feral. He has been hitting, pushing, biting, shouting, rejecting bedtime, and constantly challenging every single boundary, no matter how tiny. He has a relatively new baby brother (4m), but has been very good with the baby.

When he does something wrong, I tell him nicely not to do that and redirect him. If he does it again, I give him a warning, and a third time results in "time out". For this, I put him on a mat in the hall, explain calmly but firmly why he is in time out, leave him for 2 minutes, come back and explain again why he was in time out, and he says sorry then we hug and I tell him that I love him.

Over the past 2 weeks, nursery has told us 3/4 of his sessions that he has been pushing other children. Before this, it was only DH and I that bore the brunt of the pushing, and I am so concerned about his behaviour now impacting other children.

I have no idea what to do. DS is such a sweet, loving, funny, curious little boy. He is so smart. He can count to 30 (including objects), name and identify all the letters of the alphabet, speak in perfect sentences, and had excellent dexterity, so I don't think it's an inability to communicate. The terrible twos are making it so hard for my wonderful boy to be the child I know he could be.

AIBU to ask what to do? Boundaries are clear and set, DH and I are consistent and a team.

@Skinnermarink I wish I could, but with a baby that is weirdly quiet, I likely wouldn't hear him!

Well yes he is going to find it difficult for a few days while you reset boundaries. It’s normal! Can you get out of the house for a bit with him? Run around a park or something?

This is short term pain for long term gain. You’ll look back in a month and be glad you started.

I think what you've been so far is great. Like PP said, if there's any violence, then they go straight into time out. Regulating emotions takes time and consistency, but talking it through his behaviours and explaining its unacceptable will eventually sink in. Have you also tried a sticker chart for good behaviour? I've found it can really motivate them to think before they act. At the end of a really good day at dinner time, I also ask questions like "raise your hand if you've listened well today!", "raise your hand if you've been kind today!" and ask them about these moments and what they did well. Sounds a bit ridiculous but I've found it works and builds their confidence in a positive way.

We haven't done a sticker chart for behaviour. I tried it for toilet training, but it did not work with DS at all.

1,2,3 Magic isn’t just counting to three or giving three chances, and is really good. It’s not a quick fix. None of these methods ‘work’ in the sense that they change behaviour and you stop using them. Parenting is ongoing. I think that’s the issue that is so misunderstood and parents quickly give up on something because it hasn’t ‘worked’, especially with
I still use 1,2,3 with my 10 year old at times, when he’s doing something nuts and can’t stop. I never get to three. It’s just a way of reminding or reinforcing the direction I’ve given him.

Also ‘Happiest Toddler on the Block’. I loved this with my VERY ‘spirited’ DD.

@parrotonmyshoulder I'm not expecting all bad behaviour to disappear, and obviously parenting is ongoing. It's the level of me needing to deal with the same bad behaviours that I was concerned about - I thought I was being firm and consistent, but hitting and pushing were happening multiple times per hour in addition to tantrums and constant shouts of "No".

I agree that hurting someone else should be immediate consequences. Put him straight on the mat/ take him away from whatever he's doing immediately. My dd was like this by the way and is now a lovely almost teen. She is still spirited in that she is crazy but is very good fun and very resilient. So focus on that but make sure that he has very firm boundaries and knows exactly what is acceptable and what's not.

I agree. That would be straight ‘that’s 3’ and put them on the step or wherever you’re using.

Those people telling you to stop the nap are wrong and have poor understanding of sleep .
I'm a sleep consultant . A child of two needs 11 to 14 hours of sleep per 24 hours.
You haven’t said when he falls asleep but after if he is put to bed at 7.30 I guess he asleep by 8 pm and up at 5 pm.
so that’s 9 hours sleep .
He certainly needs a nap in the day .
Children who are over tired will not fall asleep well often crash into deep sleep and then wake an hour later and also wake early .
When I do a sleep plan I look at the who routine x 24 hours and food etc so I can offer you any precise advice . Other than a good bedtime routine . Look at Millpond Sleep clinic online or the sleep charity
thesleepcharity.org.uk/how-much-sleep-does-my-child-need/

@Orangeanlemons551 We have a good bedtime routine that has been consistent since we sleep-trained at 7 months. If he is fighting sleep at bedtime but not leaving his room and just shouting, what would you advise?

Respectfully, I still don't agree with a lot of what she says and I find it frustrating that whenever people say they disagree with her methods they are told it's because they have misunderstood them or not read the books or the people they know following the methods are doing it wrong. I just don't agree with a lot of her beliefs about raising a toddler.

I'd leave him to it? Occasionally check on him?

I'd go with this too. It's a hassle to leave somewhere early etc but even small kids start to cotton on. Sitting down for long conversation isn't going to get you far with a 3 year old.

Jumping on here from my thread a couple of days ago. I still don’t get it. The word ‘boundaries’ is thrown around a lot and I understand if its hitting/ kicking like in the OP case that’s clear. But my DD just gets really upset and thrashes around and is agitated, and I have no idea what boundary I’m supposed to be holding there without invalidating her feelings.

I’d just ignore that, if you can.

This doesn’t answer your question but I found 2.5-3 the absolute toughest toddler stage with my oldest son with a lot of the behaviours you describe. I also have exactly the same age gap between my sons as you do.

I found that it improved enormously shortly after his third birthday and has continued to improve (he’s now nearly 4).

I know this probably isn’t very helpful because it doesn’t give you a solution. I thought it was something I was doing wrong and that I needed to do something to ‘fix’ him. It turned out that he basically just needed to develop and to get used to his new baby brother. Also it really helped when he dropped his nap because then he slept better at night.

That said I never found time outs particularly helpful because I found my son would get more frustrated and upset rather than less so.

She has SO MANY feelings, she’s 3- you can’t possibly validate all of them. So don’t try. It’s a fool’s errand. Just be there when she’s calmed down to give her a hug.

My friends son was the same he bit my daugher, his mother saw and bit him back hard! I didnt approve at all, but he behaved afterwards and hes 11 now and still so well behaved

Okaaaay... because the best way to show that biting is wrong is by biting someone.

There are some really, really thick people around.

<bangs head on desk in despair>

Well it sounds like it worked..

Definitely don't drop the nap x

I found child discipline is like puppy training.

Tone of voice, facial cues, short sharp commands and praise. Every behaviour is commented on, whether No, Stop! in a firm low tone with cross face Or Good boy/ girl in high light tone with a smile. Consistency, keep it up every single time. I echo others that you're being too soft and wordy, he's not entirely sure you mean it so carries on. Eg. A high pitched, tinkly and friendly sounding "no, darling, don't do that" compared to a firm "No, Stop that" will make them stop and think. When they stop the bad behaviour, then you can distract with something else.

I very, very rarely raise my voice with my son, so that on the rare occasion I do, he knows I really mean it. And it isn't shouting at him but a very loud and firm "DONT YOU DARE!" (Run into the road, throw that, or bite, whatever it is). He stops immediately.

You have to respond instantly to the behaviour. But the rest of the time I speak to him extra politely "Walk slowly please" "That was good waiting!"
"I'm sorry that you are angry we have to leave the park but we really need to go".

I'd definitely encourage ways for him to let off steam- I've said to my son before "If you want to bite, then you can bite your bitey toy" and given him a teething ring.

Best of luck

@CupEmpty I'm with you. I struggle with finding out ways to actually implement boundaries with Gentle Parenting. There is a lot of talk about them, but essentially no suggested actions to take when a child inevitably crosses a boundary. Time out is deemed "isolating" (but I did it anyway), removing toys or television isn't "age appropriate" for a toddler (I did it when the toy was causing the issue), smacking is rightfully deemed "abusive", and often all that is suggested is "redirection," which for DS does not work at all and "talking about feelings," which on here I have been told is wrong as well because he's too young to understand. He's young, yes, but I can't let him continue hurting people and behaving badly.

@IAmTheWalrus85 Thank you so much. This has made me feel so much better that this has happened to someone else and it got better.