Fed up of holidays with in-laws (sorry another in law thread 🤣)

[eyeofthundera]

So we don’t live close to our in-laws, a good 7/8 hour travel day (with 3 DC who get travel sickness 🤢). So when we go to visit them, we are generally together for 7-10days .
But I really can’t stay in the same house with them, by the end of the week there is so much passive aggressive tension. I’m fed up because I feel like a naughty teenager who was used the “wrong” towel, cut the food with the “wrong” knife and used the “wrong” oven for cooking.
They also never tell us their plans. We will be packing up the car for a morning out (which we invite them to), then they will mention “oh you’re back for lunch aren’t you….. aunty Rachel is coming to visit you when you are here”
They also tend to get annoyed with my eldest DS, who is rather hyperactive. And constantly pulling him up on his behaviour and table manners, which gets very irritating at every single meal. They are very precious about their garden too, so flying balls and children landing on top of plants doesn’t go down well 🙈🤣

so it’s just lots of little things, they aren’t mean people. They are just set in their ways/routines.

I want to have a holiday staying near them, but not with them. So go for days trips with them, or go to their house for the afternoon, but not stay with them. But I think they will be horribly offended.

So, am I being unreasonable not wanting to stay with them and just suck it up 🤣. Or how do I tell them we won’t be staying in their house?

Is there some sort of attraction or amusement park near-ish to them that you could stay in a hotel for halfway through the holiday? It might give you the respite you need.

I voted YANBU because you're not, but why are the children landing on plants? That would piss me off too.

10 days with in-laws you can relax with is just about manageable but what you described sounds intolerable. Why can’t you just visit for a weekend?

Remind dh it's your precious holiday time not an endurance expedition.. He can tell them!

I wonder could you frame it that the kids are bigger now, and you'd live the opportunity to host them as well- so maybe get somewhere with a bbq. We go away with both my parents and in laws and they're all really chill and easy going and happy to let us lead the way and be quite child centered and we're all still at the end of our patience on day 7.

We had a similar journey time to my ILs, we compromised by going for 2-3 nights stay with them followed by a weeks holiday close by but not near enough to visit every day. Sometimes they came to meet us for a day out which was nice as less pressure

You just tell them. They are responsible for their feelings and they will have to manage them.

I’ve said yabu as these do sound like fairly minor irritants and it’s the kind of thing you can probably put up with for a short period of time for the sake of family harmony.

I am not “stuck in my ways” per se, but I do like my life and I like people to respect the way I live my life when they visit. I am glad to see family but always relieved when certain house guests leave - then I don’t have to put up with their extremely irritating habits. I think we are all a bit like this! See it from your PIL’s side too.

I do like pps suggestion to have a holiday all together on neutral territory. Might solve the problem for you all!

@Xzxzxzxz , one DC was 18months last year and fell on top of a plant (or two) when he tripped running around the garden. They aren’t all catapulting on top of them 🤣, that would annoy me too.
@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov , yeah something like that could be good way of framing it. Get somewhere we could have them over for a drink/bbq.

@Aquamarine1029 , this is very true.

Make sure you & dh are on the same page with this & then just tell them you've decided to stay nearby in a hotel because the dc are getting bigger & you all need some space. I'm sure they'll argue about it but I think they'll prefer it too in the end.

Omg op, we stayed with in laws we get along with for 7-10 days, twice and by day 5 the easiest going of us (sil)was being passive aggressive and gritting her teeth, dh was suggesting days out where we literally just left to walk around nowhere just so we wouldn’t all be together, I was taking deep breaths and pretending I was tired at 8 o clock and bil was actually banging stuff around the place and arguing with sil. I don’t know how you do it with people that aren’t easy!!!

@PotKettel yes, you are right they are minor irritants. That’s why I wonder if I’m just being silly. And I totally agree that my children should respect their home, and I make sure that they do.
Neutral territory (😆) might be the way to go 👍

I had this with my MIL. They lived 600 miles away from us in a seaside location so logical enough to go up for our summer holidays. But once children arrived I was clear that we would rent our own place. Initially she was terribly hurt ’how do I tell my friends that my own family won’t stay with me’? So I told her to reframe it - how many of her friends’ children voluntarily chose to spend their precious annual leave visiting them every year for 2 weeks? She eventually came round. I hadn’t wanted my children to have to be careful of trekking sand through granny’s house. Us hiring a cottage worked brilliantly and she did come round to seeing it as a bonus that we chose to spend our holiday with her every year. She was pretty fab too. I miss her.

@stayathomer 🤣 this sounds like us, many walks just for a breather

Don't they ever come to visit you?

@alongtimeagoandfaraway . Yes, this is probably the biggest problem with us not staying with them I think. They are very aware of how people view them and how they would explain it to friends. So that’s really helpful way of looking at it.
I honestly think we would have more quality time with them when we aren’t constantly together.

We used to hire a cottage near my inlaws as despite there being PIl plus 3 siblings, we'd spend 3 hours driving there and then not one of the buggers would commit to feeding us. So we'd have to go and buy food in between visits to each house which would also rarely involve a cup of tea. I thought the cottage was the perfect solution but then SIL took to turning up at 8am with her kids and declaring she'd go home for at tea time. And then there was the time I ended up cooking dinner for about 10 of them - when I've never had a meal at any of their houses. So wasn't the answer I was hoping for, tbh.

If mil kicks off use the techniques you use on your toddler!
OK maybe not the naughty step!
We once went on holiday with ils.
Once.
Never happened again.

eyeofthundera
@stayathomer 🤣 this sounds like us, many walks just for a breather
At one point we were just standing in the middle of a random estate with the kids asking where we were trying to get to. We were just looking at each other helplessly and dh whispered ‘we can’t go back- please!’

When we got our caravan and booked our first holiday my PIL asked where we were going and I refused to say but they found out and couldn't get in our site but turned up every day. This followed for many years wanting to get my children to sleep in their motor home which they didn't want to do x

5 days is plenty - to be honest I can’t even manage 3. Could you soend the money breaking your journey into 2 days driving with a nice family day out in the middle and a travel lodge stay?

I voluntarily spend 2 weeks precious annual leave staying with my parents by the seaside and STBXH used to come with us 🤷🏽‍♀️ I couldn't afford to rent a holiday cottage by the sea for a start 🤣

This reminds me a bit of my gran. She lived in a 2 bed bungalow around 200 miles from us (5 person family). When we were little we'd visit for over a week at all major holidays, and several weekends a year.
It was a real chore for all-including her, who had her normal routine disrupted. I remember well the "lovely family day" we were persuaded to come on to which she said "I wish I'd never come" and the one where she refused to get out of the car because we wouldn't be back in time for 4 o'clock tea, which was a must "for the children". And the time she threatened dad with a bamboo cane for putting the potatoes he'd just harvested in the wrong bag. And when my parents took us to "watch the trains" ie just needing to get out of the house before things blew up. Bless her!!😀

Then one time we visited, and for some reason we could only stay 4 days. As we left in the car, my parents suddenly realised that there had been no arguments, and my gran was sorry to see us go (rather than clearly relieved) and we were all sorry too.
They realised that actually shorter times were better. Better to be leaving wishing it was longer, than going with everyone thinking "thank goodness".
After that we never stayed longer than 5 days, and relationships were much better. They also organised for some of us (normally the children plus mum-it was dad's mum we were visiting) to go somewhere for the day which also gave us both space.

Try going for less time. Invent an excuse why you have to be back earlier for the first couple of times, so it doesn't look to them as though you're being rude, and then it'll become a habit and no one will question.

Ah fair enough, my apologies! I had visions of 8 year olds diving on them not a baby falling.