Fed up of holidays with in-laws (sorry another in law thread 🤣)

[eyeofthundera]

So we don’t live close to our in-laws, a good 7/8 hour travel day (with 3 DC who get travel sickness 🤢). So when we go to visit them, we are generally together for 7-10days .
But I really can’t stay in the same house with them, by the end of the week there is so much passive aggressive tension. I’m fed up because I feel like a naughty teenager who was used the “wrong” towel, cut the food with the “wrong” knife and used the “wrong” oven for cooking.
They also never tell us their plans. We will be packing up the car for a morning out (which we invite them to), then they will mention “oh you’re back for lunch aren’t you….. aunty Rachel is coming to visit you when you are here”
They also tend to get annoyed with my eldest DS, who is rather hyperactive. And constantly pulling him up on his behaviour and table manners, which gets very irritating at every single meal. They are very precious about their garden too, so flying balls and children landing on top of plants doesn’t go down well 🙈🤣

so it’s just lots of little things, they aren’t mean people. They are just set in their ways/routines.

I want to have a holiday staying near them, but not with them. So go for days trips with them, or go to their house for the afternoon, but not stay with them. But I think they will be horribly offended.

So, am I being unreasonable not wanting to stay with them and just suck it up 🤣. Or how do I tell them we won’t be staying in their house?

@stayathomer . Lol, I can so relate to this. Brings back memories 🤣

10 full days is not a short amount of time being sniped at in someone else’s home. And yes they are minor irritants, but they’re constant. Who gives a shite if she’s using the ‘wrong’ fork or towel? Nothing bads going to happen. Just let your guests be comfortable rather than have them constantly on edge for fear of doing something wrong.

Op I completely get what you mean, this is why I don’t visit my mother anymore. Her husband is like this, constantly pulling my children up on every daft little thing. He’s obsessed with fingerprints. Ok, no one wants fingerprints all over their house, but if you’re having multiple small children over to stay for 2weeks then your house isn’t staying spotless. Every single minute it’s newlook the kids are by the patio doors/windows/tv/cabinet, they might get fingerprints. Newlook the baby’s by the curtains, he might pull them down. Newlook the children are by the plants (I get that one a lot too), they might break them. They’re not allowed near anything. They’re not going to pull down the curtains or vandalise your plants ffs. And please stop shouting at the children for touching literally anything, I’ll go over the whole house on the last day if I need to, just embrace the fact that you’ve guests and act like they’re welcome 🙄

A long weekend at center parcs with mil, 3 young dc and useless dh-a recipe for disaster. Never, ever again.
Stay nearby, but not with them.

I would break the cycle now. Imagine what it would be like with teenagers.
We also were a big distance from in laws so the pressure was always to make it a long visit.
I was also constantly in trouble for doing the wrong thing all day. MIL would declare she had told everyone we were coming, so we had to stay in for visitors who never even came. Pressurised to spend all the time sitting in her house.
It was worse with children as MIL believed that children should just fit into adult routines (staying up until midnight and sleeping in etc).

Unfortunately there was no airb&b so finding somewhere would have been difficult and expensive. MIL would have also been furious even though she hated us being in her house.

do you work? Could you say you need somewhere do some with wifi and quiet.

Just do it! Book a holiday rental.
Given what you describe they might be offended/hurt at first but then might enjoy it more too.

I stay near my mum and pretty much do my own thing which includes visiting before and after days out and some trips/meals together. My children love visiting her house and have fun there and I think it's partly because we aren't on top of each other for the whole visit.

I feel seen!

We have also learnt to stay nearby and not with 😂 in fact we're moving half way to make it even easier! Was 6 hours and soon it'll be 3 hours away and much less stressful (and closer for emergencies!!)

Yes, they come maybe 2/3 times a year. We travel to see them a week at Easter and about 10 days in the summer. .

I wish you the strength to do this! For years we stayed with PILs and DC on our summer holiday and I think we all suffered for it. I certainly did, patience stretched to the limit. I used to say to DH, 'Can't we just stay in a hotel?' But MIL would tell us the story of old Mrs A. up the street, whose grown up son Bob would stay in a hotel when he visited 'and it broke her poor heart.' We didn't have it in us to challenge the status quo, and I just felt serious envy of Bob and carried on suffering. I loved MIL dearly (not FIL, though, who was 'difficult' to say the least) but if I had my time again I would be much, much firmer and stay somewhere else, visiting MIL daily and taking her out with us. How much tension and stress that would have saved! Don't be like me - be firm and just change to staying elsewhere. And go for less time, too.

@Ihatethenewlook . This is it, probably a couple days would probably be ok, but after 10 days it is too much 🤪 of constant “don’t touch that” “don’t do that”.
i also find that the PIL are much more lenient with their other grandchildren, so the rules are very inconsistent. My niece jumps on the couch and they say “oh look, she’s going to be a great gymnast”. Next day my son (same age) does it and gets told “that’s not allowed”.
I think we are going to book a holiday rental. Think my in-laws would probably enjoy it more too if I’m honest

Could DH take the kids to visit once a year whilst you are “unable to take the time off work”. I think it’s easier when they are your own family.

My mother in law is lovely and we can happily stay with her. My parents on the other hand....I have agreed a 3 night rule with dh any longer and we stay in a hotel. We can just about cope with 3 nights. Just about...

Hold on, are you using all your holiday time to see family then? That would drive me insane. I've holidayed with family and in-laws together a couple of times. First time we stayed in a cottage all 9 of us for a week and I vowed not to do it again 😂 it's grating living with anyone at close quarters for that long.

Last year DH and I had a long chat about it, then booked a caravan for a week and invited both sides to come with us (but stay in their own accommodation). We then booked a short break for just us and the kids. I felt like I got the best of both worlds.

yes, pretty much. Apart from christmas holidays, which we don’t go away for. So all our holidays away from home are with them. This has been the standard (apart from during covid obviously) for the past 10 years since getting married.

next year we are going to try a holiday abroad in Easter, so won’t be with them. Not sure how that will go down 🙈.

Just writing this all down and hearing your views has convinced me that staying near them is definitely better option. More expensive 😆, but much more enjoyable for everyone.

i think we probably drive them up the wall by the end of the week too, so think they would enjoy it more. It was really quite unpleasant last year, with lots of little whispered passive aggressive comments. They aren’t nasty people think we were just all a bit fed up of each other 🤣.
I‘ll discuss it with DH and remind him how unwelcome we felt last time and how happy we were to be leaving

There's a lot to be said for being really brusque before you go there, because disagreements when you are face to face are terrible.

So 'of course you'd rather we stayed somewhere else MIL, we nearly drove you mad last time, do you remember ds falling on your plant HAHAHAHA you nearly had a heart attack HAHAHAHA so we've booked this cottage and can't wait to see you, we thought maybe the castle on Tuesday, do you fancy a picnic' etc etc. Then just do it. Channel your inner matriarch. You control access to the grandchildren- that's the big prize.

I say this having done ten years of holidays with the in-laws. Ten. Years.

YANBU at all. We stay in a hotel when we visit Parents on either side. Everyone gets their own space, privacy and moments of peace, nobody is under each other's feet, time spent together is improved for it. Quality, not quantity.

I think you should address the favouritism, or at least DH should with his mother. I also agree staying in another accommodation would be much better rather than at the IL’s home. I don’t know how you’ve managed travelling that far with car-sick DC. Had you considered driving halfway one day, the rest the next, and using the time saved each day for doing something en route for the DC? That way you could spend two days going, two days returning and however many days you choose in between. Why are you spending all your holiday wherever it is they live.

7-10 day visits are just insane. No wonder you feel irritated by the end! How about suggesting you rent an AirBnb somewhere in between you both, maybe 3-4 hours travel distance from each party, for a long weekend? It would be much more sensible than such long drives and long stays.

they're all really chillED and easy going

Apologies, I just cannot stand this new American trend of not putting 'ed' on the of words like 'chilled' & 'tanned' 😡

Airbnb somewhere near the in-laws place was a game changer for me. Knowing I can have my breakfast in peace and have some where to return to if we are getting under each others feet makes a big difference when we visit them.

@SchoolTripDrama they're actually room temperature by and large so I'm sticking with chill but thank you for the feedback.

@alongtimeagoandfaraway

It's very sweet you had and were able to have that dialogue with her.

What could easily have become a complete cut off was managed by talking and compromise.
.

Ooohhh I wouldn’t have those double standards! When my ds got told to get off the sofa I’d say oh no he just wants to be a gymnast like he’s cousin, let him be. There’s no enforcing rules just for my child!! 😁
and if you are headed out for the day and they say x is coming for lunch you say oh dear I wish you’d told us. We won’t be back today but it would be lovely if they can come again. (As long as you’ve told them by the day before that you are out for the day, everyone has to communicate. But I don’t take responsibility for others not communicating. It’s like my husband not putting it in the diary. Well I’m out then and that’s in the diary and we have children so I guess you’re not going.)

Id love to know if anyone manages this with in laws obsessed with hosting but only to show off their house and control.
Meeting them elsewhere just triggers frantic pressing techniques to get us to their house and the dc when we are not directly in ear shot.

I don't stay more than 4 days with ANYONE, OP. Stay strong, get the holiday accommodation.