Fed up of holidays with in-laws (sorry another in law thread 🤣)

[eyeofthundera]

So we don’t live close to our in-laws, a good 7/8 hour travel day (with 3 DC who get travel sickness 🤢). So when we go to visit them, we are generally together for 7-10days .
But I really can’t stay in the same house with them, by the end of the week there is so much passive aggressive tension. I’m fed up because I feel like a naughty teenager who was used the “wrong” towel, cut the food with the “wrong” knife and used the “wrong” oven for cooking.
They also never tell us their plans. We will be packing up the car for a morning out (which we invite them to), then they will mention “oh you’re back for lunch aren’t you….. aunty Rachel is coming to visit you when you are here”
They also tend to get annoyed with my eldest DS, who is rather hyperactive. And constantly pulling him up on his behaviour and table manners, which gets very irritating at every single meal. They are very precious about their garden too, so flying balls and children landing on top of plants doesn’t go down well 🙈🤣

so it’s just lots of little things, they aren’t mean people. They are just set in their ways/routines.

I want to have a holiday staying near them, but not with them. So go for days trips with them, or go to their house for the afternoon, but not stay with them. But I think they will be horribly offended.

So, am I being unreasonable not wanting to stay with them and just suck it up 🤣. Or how do I tell them we won’t be staying in their house?

I can relate so much to this, I love IL's but they are not easy and have no interest in kids routines. They live a 6hour drive away in a pretty seaside town and want us there every half term / holiday. I said to DH last stay that anything over 3 days and I start to go stir crazy. I am in the exact same boat, no advice but following with interest.

Hope you do book it and enjoy!

I felt like that but we literally just booked our holiday without them and was surprised that they didn't actually say much at all (to me at least). I found it was the easiest way of getting what I wanted, just doing it and if there was an issue then they had to raise it.

YABU to be such a martyr and spend almost all your annual leave with in-laws who seem to be constantly sniping and controlling, albeit in a low-level way.

What I really can't stand is the emotional blackmail and passive aggression of some of the older relatives on here and the "how can I explain to my friends that my family don't want to stay with me" shit. I'm a pretty laid back person, but this make me furious, and there's no way I would
be pandering to it.

I clearly have very accommodating parents and in-laws in comparison!

Absolutely. Changing plans to fit in with the whims of parents/in-laws, and which you probably wouldn't choose to do anyway (I mean what children would prefer to spend the day sitting in to meet greet auntie Maud who will barely say two words to them than go to the local farm park) is being pathetically weak, and allowing yourself to be controlled. Grow a backbone ffs!

I wouldn’t say I’m weak, as such. I’m just an empathetic person and put myself in others shoes so do tend to try to please everyone.
I do tend to just do our own thing and tell them we have plans already. But feel badly as they then say such things as “we have hardly seen you”. So I then doubt my actions.
It is good hearing everyone’s views, as puts things in perspective — “grow a back bone ffs” 😆

I don't think you're being weak, OP - you're stuck in a bit of a rut that basically stems from you trying to please everyone, which is very very common. You've had some good advice on here I think - personally I would go down the route of both staying locally to them in an Airbnb but also slowly shortening these trips/dropping one of them, so that you prioritise your own relaxation and time with your immediate family. Best of luck.

@Laquila yes, was just thinking this. It’s a rut, it’s become the normal for us. I think someone said earlier to break the cycle now and I think that’s true.

We have tried for years to make it work and I think we all come away feeling frustrated- them included I’m sure! I want my children to have a relationship with them, as I think it’s important. But what we do currently isn’t working for anyone.

i think they already think I’m quite rude as often just refuse to do their last minute plans. I’m a complete “planner” and so it drives me potty. I think I would get frustrated being with anyone for a week 🙈

Sounds like my parents house. My 2 are teens now and hate going, they just feel like they are in the wrong constantly. It does mean we end up not visiting the area they live in at all because 'you can stay for free and get holiday cheap' except its horrendous for us and not a holiday 🤣
I'd suggest using a hotel or cottage 'for extra room'

My parents would be like this too. We live close by so don't stay like this. But recently needed to stay between house moves.

I should have known better. But the sound similar to your in laws in they are in denial about it being difficult for everyone and would be hurt that we wanted to stay elsewhere. So just no insight into how they behave. Also same with making and sharing plans!

They would be the same down to the what will people think comment! But then not reflect on why you can't stay. Massively frustrating.

I think you do just need to do what works for your family. Hopefully you'll all have. A nicer time and they will realise it is for the best.

I empathise, @eyeofthundera! We often tolerate behaviour from older people that we wouldn't take from our peers, especially if they're family (or family by marriage...)

On the other side of the coin, sometimes it's wise to compromise a little for the greater good/your sanity, but there's always a line...

I've got firmer in my interactions with my ILs over the years - fortunately they are kind and generous but they also have their little eccentricities that sometimes make it much harder for everyone else (and they don't really notice this). Personally I think your partner needs to take some responsibility here and have the tricky conversation with them if needed, rather than waiting for you to make the hard decisions (apologies if I've misread that!).

Yes, I think you’ve read it correctly. I think my DH has a strained/tense relationship with his parents, so can’t discuss things easily as always end in unnecessary conflict (about the most trivial things). The in-laws see him as “difficult” and “argumentative” just because he disagrees with them. My DH just questions things a lot, it’s his personality, and my FIL does not appreciate getting questioned.

Im quite open with my mum that we have a 48-72 hour time limit on our patience with each other and often joke about it, so don’t spend more than a few days together as we know we end up falling out 🤣🤪. They don’t have this degree of openness to discuss things.

I doubt very much that they will be offended. They will probably be relieved.

I could only manage about 24 hrs with my DPs and when we stay with people we generally only stay one night - honourable exception to my amazing Aunt Pam in NZ who has her own guest wing, but it's not like we're visiting her every holiday.

The other thing to remember is that you only have a finite number of holidays with your DCs before they become surly teens who don't want to be seen with you.

I hate the phrase "building family memories " but ultimately if it's something you can afford to have family holidays together, then it's a shame to miss out for the sake of weeks of passive aggression in someone else's house.

I want to have a holiday staying near them, but not with them. So go for days trips with them, or go to their house for the afternoon, but not stay with them. But I think they will be horribly offended.

sell it to them

children getting older and need more space, it’s unfair on grandparents etc
everyone needs their own space and makes for a happier trip

i love my dds but all together for more than 5 days we’d kill each other, know your limitations and accepting them is far better than falling out

It's very easy to say 'grow a backbone' from afar though. If I ever approach any issues directly with DHs family I get the hurt puppy look, lots of apologies then they walk around on eggshells for the day! It's much easier to ask him to pass on messages and luckily he does have a backbone when it comes to his own family. I get where you're coming from, it's just hard with that side for some reason!

Having said that if I was in your situation I'd just do what I wanted and deal with the consequences later (or get DH to do it). Theoretically 😂

OMG ! Your children are small for such a short period. You need to be having holidays you all enjoy. This is madness.

Sounds like three days would be best, with them so not to waste money. Don’t waste your holiday time in this way.

plus the double standards would PISS Me off.

change it OP, time is shorter than you think

Thanks for all the responses, has really made me think. I’ve been looking at these holidays as something to “get over with” and that’s not how it should be at all.
you are right, my kids are only small once. Spending our holidays walking on eggshells to please others is not going to be good memories. My youngest DC has only had holidays with the in-laws, partly due to covid. So all holiday memories with them are of tense times (obviously interspersed with good bits)

spending this evening looking up air bnb. 🤞🏼

@TrevorOptions . the double standard thing is very irritating and goes further. They let their 7 year old granddaughter dictate how much my DC was allowed to drink at dinner. When my husband stepped in, as it was bizarre argument, he was told to stop interfering and being difficult. So they happily let this 7 year old dictate how dinner was served and how much my child was allowed to drink. I was out the room dealing with nappies and was absolutely fuming when I heard. FFS.

Wtf to your latest post OP...

This is where cold hard truth under the guise of Mumsnet tinkly laugh would be needed- haha that's so strange to let niece dictate how much child drinks! Haha how weird!

It sounds like you see them lots. I’d do the stay elsewhere and visit or book something where theirs is enroute and stop off on way down or back so just a couple of nights there.
It’s normal to want to holiday without them.

Do you challenge the double standard?

It would at least relieve your feelings, & also your son's.
I would be able to resist saying something like "DS learned it from his cousin, & thought it was allowed, because you praised her for it when she did it yesterday".

However - you shouldn't have to be always watching everyone's backs & made to feel like a naughty child yourself, so the idea of putting yourselves up somewhere local is a no-brainer. The thing that puzzles me though is that you haven't mentioned your DH so far. Why is it YOU who is going to have to broach the "we'll stay elsewhere in future" topic. & not him?

fwiw, next time you are invited, just treat the staying elsewhere notion as a fait accompli. Don't explain it or attempt to reason it through with them - "great, looking forward to it, btw no need to put us up, we're going to stay at XYZ, so DH will ring you soon to arrange when & where we're going to see you, byeeee".
Job done.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Say WHAAAAAAAT?

Let me guess:
The parent of the 7 year old GD is PiL's Golden Child, & DH is their Scapegoat?
Certainly matches the dynamic you described about DH not being allowed to ever challenge or even question FiL.

next year we are going to try a holiday abroad in Easter, so won’t be with them. Not sure how that will go down
It can go down however PIL's want it to go down. They can respond however they choose.
YOU, however, don't need to hear about it.
You simply erect a "Not My Problem" field around the whole issue & ignore it when they kick off. Let them tantrum - if you drop the rope, all they can do is argue with themselves about it.
That same advice goes double for DH:
"I can hear you're upset, but we want to give our DC this experience, so let's not get you all wound up by discussing it further, because this is our decision & it's not changing. See you in XYZ month, I'll be in touch with arrangements later, bye."

This. Alll this. They are getting way too much control. Especially the 7 year old

OP, you might find that they are not as upset as you think they might with a change in the lodging arrangements. The things that you find to be annoying are just as likely to be irritants for them as well.

An alternative might be to cut the visits down to a 3-4 days or to rent an airb&b for your stay. Young children should not be constrained for such a long period and the grandparents should get to enjoy them in shorter time spans. As the kids become older the time spent together will likely become more enjoyable for both the kids and the grandparents.

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

Yes, I question the double standards when we are elsewhere. But I find it difficult in their house. also sometimes I am not in the room (chasing smaller DC, who are trying to stick the hands down toilet or lick bins 🤣), so hard to address after the fact.

Yes, the family dynamic is how you described. So filters down in a similar way to the grandchildren if that makes sense. They have yet to treat my younger DC this way, but it’s very apparent with my eldest (perhaps because of his similarities to my DH)

I have booked an air bnb and am just going to tell my husband to be very matter of fact about it. We will stay with them for first three nights, then say we have booked a house nearer the beach. We don’t need to give explanations, just say “it will be lovely to stay with you for the weekend we arrive, then we have booked an air bnb in XYZ for the rest of our holiday. the children are excited about the holiday already! “

it’s a bit sad, but think the reason that my DH hasn’t thought to bring it up or change where we stay, is because he expects to be treated this way. It’s his “normal” 😔

they are on best behaviour in OUR house, I think because they know I wouldn’t tolerate it. I think the way forward will be they come visit us more often. It’s more work for me, but more pleasant for everyone.