Fed up of holidays with in-laws (sorry another in law thread 🤣)

[eyeofthundera]

So we don’t live close to our in-laws, a good 7/8 hour travel day (with 3 DC who get travel sickness 🤢). So when we go to visit them, we are generally together for 7-10days .
But I really can’t stay in the same house with them, by the end of the week there is so much passive aggressive tension. I’m fed up because I feel like a naughty teenager who was used the “wrong” towel, cut the food with the “wrong” knife and used the “wrong” oven for cooking.
They also never tell us their plans. We will be packing up the car for a morning out (which we invite them to), then they will mention “oh you’re back for lunch aren’t you….. aunty Rachel is coming to visit you when you are here”
They also tend to get annoyed with my eldest DS, who is rather hyperactive. And constantly pulling him up on his behaviour and table manners, which gets very irritating at every single meal. They are very precious about their garden too, so flying balls and children landing on top of plants doesn’t go down well 🙈🤣

so it’s just lots of little things, they aren’t mean people. They are just set in their ways/routines.

I want to have a holiday staying near them, but not with them. So go for days trips with them, or go to their house for the afternoon, but not stay with them. But I think they will be horribly offended.

So, am I being unreasonable not wanting to stay with them and just suck it up 🤣. Or how do I tell them we won’t be staying in their house?

I’m sure we irritate them a lot 🤣. We are very noisy, unpack a ridiculous amount of children’s toys, high chairs and general rubbish into their house. We eat at about 6 in the morning, so are all starving for lunch by 11 and create an awful lot of noise and mess. I’m a bit of a control freak/planner, so am sure I irritate them
I do feel we would be happier not in their house and hope they would be too 🤞🏼

Well done OP!

Hope you are feeling immensely relived already.
Here's a link for you & DH, when you feel up to it. I dare say he will "see" his parents in it, when he browses round the site -
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

They might not be offended. Stay somewhere else and visit them on set days. It will be fine. Say the children need a pool or something, or need to stay somewhere new.

I think DH will be much more relaxed and so will your 7yo if they know that the stay with the ILS is only 3 days. It also limits the time your 7yr old is exposed to the cousin. 10 days must have really dragged on.

I also think that if the ILS come to you it will be less work than you think, because you will have all your things around you and not be panicking about mess.

@eyeofthundera

ummm what with the 7 year old deciding on food and drink for your dc?!

how is the family dynamic on your dh’s side?

That is all kinds of weird. They are choosing to set up some kind of gc hierarchy. Maybe It’s a ‘joke’ but how strange to even think about it.
I am not just saying this but I would not really be going back for a while. Leave them to stew for a year. Don’t waste your precious time on them.

yes, the hierarchy thing feels accurate now you mention it.

I think it’s been this way for years, but in small ways. It was exaggerated due to circumstances last year- I was mostly with my two younger DC, stopping them climb the stairs and break the many trinkets/ornaments. Also my SIL was moving house so left the children with grandparents for 2 days when we were there (this was unavoidable, as only date they could move and we needed to be there for a family wedding). So there was a lot going on.

i got quite snappy with the 7 year old niece by end of week, however wasn’t really her fault as such as this behaviour had been reinforced. I think I just set boundaries as soon as I we see them next time. We will see how this holiday goes. My other DC are older, so the dynamic may change as my son now has more back up 😆.

The other thing is I don’t like how I am around them. I’m moody, anxious and on edge waiting for the next conflict. So I’m probably not fun to be around.

@eyeofthundera

you gotta change it up. How about suggesting a cottage / forest Cabins / caravan park / air B and B half way between you? Say four hours from both of you. They'll be better on neutral ground and having your own space will make them less annoying.

I am amazed that they are slightly unwelcoming after you drove for 8 hours to see them. They obv just don't really see you as 'people' to consider. Maybe dh is still a child to them?

I would set up a weekly face time with them and scale back the in person time, unless they want (as they are retired?!) to come to see you.

You don't get the time back, these are the years to do the fun holidays with your kids. NOT FEELING 'moody, anxious and on edge waiting for the next conflict' !!!!! Put yourself first, no one else will.

Well, I don't blame you. I couldn't stay this long with my parents. 2 days is more than enough for me, and you guys go for 7-10 days. Wow.