To expect DH to look after DD for 15 minutes during his lunch break

[Sunflower1000]

I posted another threat recently about my DH attitude to house work and parenting but this is slightly different topic. On Fridays DH works from home. Friday is my day off as I work 4 days so I can spend Fridays with DD (18 months). DH spends most of his lunch hour at his desk upstairs checking football news. Then he comes down to make his lunch, refuses to play with DD at which point she is crying so I make mine and her lunch and try to calm her down. Then she eats in her high chair and I eat at the same time. DH eats his food on the sofa watching tv. This really distracts DD who wants his attention but he just stays there getting annoyed that she wants his food. Am I being unreasonable that not only he doesn't feel the need to play with DD but also doesn't show any under a sing of my day and would never offer to look after her for 15 mins so I can have my lunch, go to the loo or unload washing machine in peace? Basically what he says is that Friday is my day to look after her and he is working so shouldn't be disturbed. His work is not very busy or complex.

YABU.

Ohhhh he’s the knob who has a lie in at the weekend and tells you he’s ‘covering for you’ when you go out for a run and when you challenged him he told you he can make your life difficult.

Nice. I remember your other thread. What happened after the apologies? Absolutely nothing? Words mean nothing.

This. He doesn't get to have the benefits of WFH (no commute, comfort, fully stocked kitchen, TV to watch at lunch) and none of the other aspects (inc seeing his daughter and wife - which he should also see as a benefit).

As for the points about employers monitoring - he is not monitored on his lunch and I bet in work he doesn't isolate himself from his colleagues.

And if he was as rude and disrespectful and dismissive to the people in his office as he is to those in his home someone would challenge it

There is no happy future for this marriage and indeed family.

It will inevitably end or stagger on in a haze of unhappiness

YANBU. He should be offering! On my days off, mine takes our 4 year old as soon as we've had a sandwich so I get about 45 minutes to read my book!

OP is working too - she's raising their child.
If he can make lunch for himself, he can make it for both of them.

Why are you criticising OP for her H's ostracization of her & their DD?

Yes. He could.

He is at work in a more formal way than she is.

It doesn't make sense for someone WFH to have to organise themselves to make lunch for another half and child who is at home also.

Ah come off it.

He has an hour's break, it's perfectly feasible for him to throw a couple of sandwiches together while his wife toddler-warangles, Or wrangle his own child for a change while OP makes lunch.

What you are really saying is "a person with a penis doing paid employment is more important than a person without a penis who is taking a day off her paid employment to raise a child, so he can't be expected to make his own lunch or look after his own child."

You just don't want to come out & say so, because you know it's bullshit.

Yes they both are working. She works four days. So she can spend Friday looking after child. He works five days.

Nothing to do with your description above. I did say he could also make lunch.

Being so critical of each other is usually indicative that to each, neither can do anything right.

You’d be dumbfounded by what I manage to organise myself to do while I work from home!

What?? So someone with an hour break can't possibly come downstairs and make their own sandwich because half a days office work is too taxing?? Because if they can make 1 they can make 2.

When DTwins were new and covid was new and everyone was wfh, DH would come down in his break, make both of us lunch, plus the 4 yo and then cuddle a baby all within his lunch break without having a break down then he'd go off back to work. Sometimes he'd even cook dinner too.

Clearly this man child isn't interested in his child or you Get rid !

But he is ignoring her. Anyone would get upset at being totally ignored by someone who is supposed to love you because they are on their lunchbreak.
She is not asking him to do housework, just talk to his daughter.

And OP no wonder your daughter gets upset, this sounds heartbreaking.

If my dh was wfh and I was looking after dc I would prepare lunch for everyone and we'd all eat together. Obviously I would time lunch so it was convenient for dh's work.

like ive said several times over the years

what is the point of him-everythng is down to you so you might aswell be single and he can work out what to do on his own while you gt some peace

You don't think he should WANT to spend a little of his lunch break with his daughter?? Especially given the fact she's crying for him.

Poor daughter 😢.

I wouldn't want someone else to make my lunch, I prefer to decide what I want.

We both have a day like this - we sort out our own lunches, we have as a general rule that you don't come downstairs unless you have at least 10 mins to acknowledge the toddler, have a cuddle etc.

Does he look after DD while you're at work during the week? I'm guessing not. Selfish twat.

Just tell him you'r off out for an hour and go a walk or meet a friend for coffee. And then maybe forget to go back for a couple of hours...

Don’t have another child with him.

God, he's a bellend.

If I were you, OP, I'd take your day off to do something nice with your daughter. I did a lot of meeting friends, going to friends' houses etc when my children were the age of yours. My ex husband WFH for part of the time before it was a thing, and being at home with the children was a million times easier when it was just them and me. So you might be at home at lunchtime, but you might not be. I'd act as if he weren't there, but given that he's clearly an arse, I would remove my daughter from a situation in which he's rejecting her.

WFH is one of the worst ideas ever for all kinds of reasons. It's far easier and less muddling for young children if parents go out of the house to work, and come back at the end of the day.

If I had done that, I'd have timed it so that it suited my children. Not the person who should not be in the house at lunchtime anyway.

This is so sad. Slightly off topic perhaps, but I see many posts excusing behaviour due to 'how it was in the olden days'. And it's bullshit. My father was the most hands on, caring parent you could wish for. He cared for me and my sibling solo for much of our childhoods. Born in the 1930s, so if he could do it, so can any other father, of any era. Your problem, OP, is he just doesn't care about either you or his own daughter. Fucking tragic.

Hey I have read a lot of advice here but as a dad I've always been a little hesitant to seek advice. However, I am struggling to find advice or help on my current situation.

Without writing the Bible I will try to list a timeline of my situation and I hope it makes sense and someone might be able to offer their advice.

August 2018 - Met my son's mother.

June 2019 - Our son was born.

March 2020 - My son's mother split with me out of nowhere, turns out she was cheating.

June 2020 - Son's mother introduces new boyfriend and allows him to take our son out alone.

July 2020 - I confront son's mother to stress my concerns with her lack of care letting our son be alone with someone she has known for just over a month.

December 2020 - I receive a notice that my son's mother is filing a non-molestation order against me full of false allegations.

January 2021 - I meet my current wife.

April 2021 - after months of court hearings and defending each allegation made, I provide 180 pieces of evidence to disprove the false allegations, the court denies the case be thrown out at son's mother's request - twice and the final verdict is that the order be denied due to, well, it was all malicious.

June 2021 - son's mother has child with new partner.

All is going okay for a while. Son has developed a bond with his little brothers father, hard to swallow at first but ultimately I was really happy for him and got along with the father of his brother.

May 2022 - Son's mother leaves new partner.

June 2022 - Myself and my now wife have our son.

July/August 2022 - son's mother signs him up for a school without notifying me.

November 2022 - I get married, son's mother messages saying that she should have been made aware.

December 2022 - I discover son's mother has had a new partner since November 2022 through him saying he has been sleeping in mamas bed.

January 2022 - Son tells me how his mother's new partner is taking him to school without mother present.

I think I have included the important parts, maybe the problems will be evident but here are my main concerns;

• Son's mother is creating a continuously unstable environment for him and it shows when he gets upset when it's time to drop him off at her house.

• Son gets upset when talking about his brothers father as he doesn't take him with his brother anymore and the family that he was introduced to (on his brothers fathers side) are no longer involved with him.

• Son's mother seems to not think about who she is leaving our son with or having him around. He is 3 years old and has now had 3 father figures including myself introduced into his mother's home.

• Son's mother has never worked and doesn't drive so refuses to travel to take our son to school anywhere further than a short bus journey away which means myself and my wife are now relocating closer to his school as per her preference.

I genuinely feel like I'm going round in circles with her and I can see that is already affecting our son. I would never choose to have her completely out of his life even if it was possible as I know every child is better off with both parents however I feel like I have a responsibility to provide him with the stability and care that seems to be lacking from her side.

I am on his birth certificate so I have equal parental responsibility and we currently have a 50/50 arrangement but I have a call with a family lawyer tomorrow to repeat this information and see what I can do about the situation. Ideally he would live primarily with us and his mother would have free access to see him but as far as the stability situation, I would prefer he doesn't spend more than 1 night a week there if possible.

I guess I'd just like to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I'm overreacting or if my concerns are valid - I know there are a lot more mum's on here so hopefully I can get a completely unbias response unlike that I might receive on a dad heavy forum.

Thank you in advance!

Also sorry for all the "son's mother" and "brothers father", I have never understood the abbreviations but hopefully I'll pick them up 🤣

@lukm you need to start your own thread.