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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to look after DD for 15 minutes during his lunch break

133 replies

Sunflower1000 · 24/02/2023 13:25

I posted another threat recently about my DH attitude to house work and parenting but this is slightly different topic. On Fridays DH works from home. Friday is my day off as I work 4 days so I can spend Fridays with DD (18 months). DH spends most of his lunch hour at his desk upstairs checking football news. Then he comes down to make his lunch, refuses to play with DD at which point she is crying so I make mine and her lunch and try to calm her down. Then she eats in her high chair and I eat at the same time. DH eats his food on the sofa watching tv. This really distracts DD who wants his attention but he just stays there getting annoyed that she wants his food. Am I being unreasonable that not only he doesn't feel the need to play with DD but also doesn't show any under a sing of my day and would never offer to look after her for 15 mins so I can have my lunch, go to the loo or unload washing machine in peace? Basically what he says is that Friday is my day to look after her and he is working so shouldn't be disturbed. His work is not very busy or complex.

OP posts:
FlatWhiteExtraHot · 24/02/2023 17:02

HowToExplainRight · 24/02/2023 13:29

Why on earth don't you make three portions so you can all eat together?

Why on earth doesn’t HE make three portions so they can all eat together??

I’ll tell you why. Because he doesn’t give a shit about his wife and child.

OP, I don’t know why you are still putting up with his attitude. He will not change so you’ve got two alternatives; put up with it or get rid of him. Don’t for god’s sake have another baby with him; he doesn’t want the one you’ve got - he certainly won’t want two.

Flittingaboutagain · 24/02/2023 17:03

Well in contrast my husband will play with our toddler as he makes our lunch during his lunchtime a couple of days a week. Sometimes they cook together. I get a break and can chill or do chores then we eat together.

Shamoo · 24/02/2023 17:04

He’s a horrible man, a shit husband and a pathetic dad.

NoSquirrels · 24/02/2023 17:05

He’s a twat, and a crap father, but you know that.

In the short-term, you should change your day off to a day he doesn’t WFH.

In the long-term, you should think seriously about whether you want to spend your one life with a selfish man who’s a crap parent and partner.

ranblungs · 24/02/2023 17:10

Shamoo · 24/02/2023 17:04

He’s a horrible man, a shit husband and a pathetic dad.

This.

DoubleHelix79 · 24/02/2023 17:12

We have the reverse situation - I WFH on Fridays, DH looks after DS (almost 2). When I'm busy I'm busy, but often I'm not and then I'll take DS while DH does some exercise or has 10 min to deal with something. We eat lunch together and I really enjoy being able to have a chat or a cuddle.

B0g · 24/02/2023 18:38

Your threads about this deadbeat misogynist are so depressing. I hope you’ll realise how damaging this is for your kid, and get rid of him before throwing even more of your life away, serving this worthless man.

Original poster
Sunflower1000 · 24/02/2023 18:49

Wow lots of replies, thank you all for your comments. Just wanted to clarify that he always takes an hour for lunch, just chooses to spend it on his own. I think it is the thing 'I am working so cannot do anything else'. Outside of work, in the evenings he does interact with DD, he still goes on his mobile though and I have to tell him he can do his mobile catch up when she is in bed. We only get around an hour with her anyway before bedtime routine. Reading the comments really made me realise that we might have a bigger issue. For example he doesn't acknowledge at all that hoovering, house cleaning, laundry, food planning and food shop needs doing. We had many conversations when he says he needs to improve but nothing happens. I feel like I am thinking and planning everything household related. He is also rubbish at DIY so it's usually my job to find a trade person or the house would be a tip. And what saddens me most that he doesn't acknowledge DDs developmental needs or even basic care. He wouldn't read any baby books saying he is not a book person. Now it's time to think about potty training and he doesn't even know you have to do it. I have to decide if I can cope with him being so absent, behaving like he was still single

OP posts:
Logburnerperils · 24/02/2023 18:59

He is a bell end of the highest order. When I am wfh I look forward to lunch to see the kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2023 19:07

I would decide to ditch the constant frustration and disappointment and before your daughter realises her dad couldn’t give a toss about her. It must be painful and crap. You and she both deserve better but you’re the only one who can do anything about it.

Fairislefandango · 24/02/2023 19:09

Wtf?! Your most recent post is genuinely shocking. He's not just a bit useless. He is a truly awful father and an ignorant waste of space. How can you possibly bear to be with this man, and to inflict such a cold, uncaring father on your dd? I would leave him before your dd is old enough to realise how little her father cares about her.

user1471453601 · 24/02/2023 19:16

My daughter works from home every working day.

She doesn't have a child, but her band her partner have a young dog (before I get flamed, I know it's not the same, children aren't dogs, dogs arent children ect) but if she has time for a lunch hour, dog is delighted to see her, she'll play with dog and then take her for a walk.

If she hasn't got time for a lunch hour, she makes her lunch, says hello to dog, then goes back into her office.

My point is, your husband is being a prat.

MMoon23 · 24/02/2023 19:53

Cocobutt · 24/02/2023 14:14

He absolutely shouldn’t be ignoring her but YABU.

He is at work all day and you are off all day.
It shouldn’t matter if he’s at home or not.

I don’t wfh but I would be pretty annoyed if someone treated my working day like I wasn’t actually working.

It would be different if you were working too that day and needed time away from your DC but you’re not.

After work is a completely different issue and he should definitely look after the baby so you can have a break.

OP isn’t ‘off all day’ ‘not working’, she’s not pottering around all day doing what she wants at her leisure, she’s looking after a 18 month old and a house! That’s just as much effort (if not more imo) than most wfh days… OP deserves a break too if it could so easily be provided to her.

Carlycat · 25/02/2023 01:32

He's a nasty piece of shit. You can both do better

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2023 02:08

MMoon23 · 24/02/2023 19:53

OP isn’t ‘off all day’ ‘not working’, she’s not pottering around all day doing what she wants at her leisure, she’s looking after a 18 month old and a house! That’s just as much effort (if not more imo) than most wfh days… OP deserves a break too if it could so easily be provided to her.

Show quote history

You're missing the point. When women look after children and a home it's easy. Chores are 'a few seconds', children are a delight and it's a priviledge to look after them.

When men do the above, it's a terrible slog, work, they need a break, can't do it AND a job.

I can only assume the extra weight of dragging a penis around makes it tough. See also why they need a full night's sleep and women don't.

TheShellBeach · 25/02/2023 02:20

That's very neglectful of him. Both to you and the little girl.

TessoftheDubonnet · 25/02/2023 02:27

I have to decide if I can cope with him being so absent, behaving like he was still single.

You will be single again at some point. You know this is never going to work, so better start planning your future:

make sure you don’t have more kids with him. I would also start looking at getting back to work full time or otherwise improving career prospects.

Codlingmoths · 25/02/2023 02:28

You obviously have a big big Dh problem. For now I’d unplug the tv on Fridays as days home with dd are screen free, he’s working so that shouldn’t be a problem. ‘You keep telling me it’s my day home with dd, so my rules for the house for my day home. There will be no tv, especially not for parents who ignore their toddler. Also, no one in this house is cooking or washing for you anymore, I’m done waiting for you to get better at this stuff.’

TBOM · 25/02/2023 02:48

Ok you definitely have an issue around division of labour and parenting. But - WFH doesn’t mean it’s a day off in any way. If he was in the office you wouldn’t get that break that you expect. My ex expected me to do a 12 hour plus day WFH and then pitch in with giving him a break whilst he had time to himself. With a teenager who needed no supervision and if she did it was me that provided it. Recognise what the actual problem is. And then talk to him about it. And if he doesn’t fix it LTB. Best decision I ever made.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/02/2023 03:20

TBOM · 25/02/2023 02:48

Ok you definitely have an issue around division of labour and parenting. But - WFH doesn’t mean it’s a day off in any way. If he was in the office you wouldn’t get that break that you expect. My ex expected me to do a 12 hour plus day WFH and then pitch in with giving him a break whilst he had time to himself. With a teenager who needed no supervision and if she did it was me that provided it. Recognise what the actual problem is. And then talk to him about it. And if he doesn’t fix it LTB. Best decision I ever made.

Taking Friday off to raise your small child isn't a day off either.

& he's not in the office.
On WFH days, he doesn't have a commute, he doesn't do housework, he spends his lunch break actively ignoring his 18 month old, & he has to be told to notice her in he evenings.

Doowop1919 · 25/02/2023 03:43

He sounds dreadful. When my DH wfh, I prepare lunch, we eat together, have a coffee and a chat after, and he interacts with our toddler.

StoppinBy · 25/02/2023 03:45

I don't necessarily think he should HAVE to watch her during the work day but it makes me feel sad for your little one that he doesn't WANT to spend time with her.

The responsibility I guess falls on you but I can't wrap my head round a father actively ignoring his child so he can have his lunch break to himself.

A lunch break is to step away from work, not to pretend everything around you doesn't exist.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 25/02/2023 03:50

My DH has WFH the entirety of our 18/12 olds life, he didn't when our 5 yr old was this age until COVID. Our baby is considerably happier being left with him and I'd say takes us fairly equally while my eldest is all about mum. I'm convinced it's because of the multiple times a day my daughter saw him during may leave. He'd hold her so I could go to he toilet or make us both a coffee, he'd eat lunch with us some days depending on timings. These days he doesn't WFH on my day off most of the time due to a role change but when he does he makes lunch for all of us if he has time or I make lunch and he has 10 mins hanging out with kids and Duplo or whateve. Your husband's behaviour isn't standard is my point and those 15 mins at a time he's choosing to spend with her or not will make a big difference long term.

sashh · 25/02/2023 03:54

He's ignoring you as well OP.

New family rule, if you are all in the house you all sit at the table to eat with no TV / radio on.

If he wants a sandwich and to ignore you he needs to make it before he starts work as he would if he was in an office.

Guis · 25/02/2023 09:34

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/02/2023 16:55

Why doesn't HE make enough lunch for them both?

There. Fixed that for you.

Show quote history

Well why shouldn't she ?
What on earth is wrong with doing so. He is at work. His use of the computer will likely be monitored. The OP isn't monitored and doesn't have a 'boss'. She is looking after their child but not at a formal job so to speak. There may well be days when it would help if he could do it but most couples would talk to each other.
Two people are making individual lunches. Which is crazy. You work together when you are a couple. Not against.