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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DH to look after DD for 15 minutes during his lunch break

133 replies

Sunflower1000 · 24/02/2023 13:25

I posted another threat recently about my DH attitude to house work and parenting but this is slightly different topic. On Fridays DH works from home. Friday is my day off as I work 4 days so I can spend Fridays with DD (18 months). DH spends most of his lunch hour at his desk upstairs checking football news. Then he comes down to make his lunch, refuses to play with DD at which point she is crying so I make mine and her lunch and try to calm her down. Then she eats in her high chair and I eat at the same time. DH eats his food on the sofa watching tv. This really distracts DD who wants his attention but he just stays there getting annoyed that she wants his food. Am I being unreasonable that not only he doesn't feel the need to play with DD but also doesn't show any under a sing of my day and would never offer to look after her for 15 mins so I can have my lunch, go to the loo or unload washing machine in peace? Basically what he says is that Friday is my day to look after her and he is working so shouldn't be disturbed. His work is not very busy or complex.

OP posts:
Heartsandbirds · 24/02/2023 14:43

DH works within walking distance of home and always comes home for lunch. He gets a bit ratty if I thrust DD (13mo) at him as he walks through the door but always, always makes time to sit down with her and give her his full attention while he’s eating. He adores her and wouldn’t think of doing anything else, it’s a big part of the reason he comes home. So I could understand if your DH wanted a few minutes to himself but to ignore her completely… That’s very off and upsetting.

TrevorOptions · 24/02/2023 14:45

Sorry you married a complete bellend. Please don’t have another child unless he gets 10000% better.

WinterMusings · 24/02/2023 14:45

HowToExplainRight · 24/02/2023 13:29

Why on earth don't you make three portions so you can all eat together?

@HowToExplainRight

why can't HE?

and you have spectacularly missed the point!!

NumberTheory · 24/02/2023 14:51

This really isn’t a different issue to your previous thread. He is still prioritising himself and expecting you to pick up all the slack of the crap he can’t be bothered with. He puts his own right to a comfortable life that suits him above yours and above the best interests of your DD.

As someone else said, make sure you don’t have more kids with him. I would also start looking at getting back to work full time or otherwise improving career prospects.

And at lunch time, since that’s when the pain is with this particular issue, change her routine so she isn’t eating when he’s on lunch. Maybe take her out or start using the TV or have some toys out in there when he’s due his lunch break so that he can’t just ignore her and make her upset if he comes downstairs. That sort of taunting of his DD seems particularly selfish to me.

xogossipgirlxo · 24/02/2023 14:56

Nightlystroll · 24/02/2023 14:06

I don't know anything about your other threads so he might be a dreadful person and a horrible father. But in this instance I don't blame him for not wanting to engage on his lunchbreak. That would be his working time to relax as he sees fit. If his presence upsets your daughter and causes a drama, though, he should stay in his room. I also don't think people should be stopping work to distract their kids during the day, either.

I agree with the fact that if he doesn't want to interact, should stay in his room. It's bit weird though that he deliberately ignores his child even when he sees her being upset. Just stay out of her sight as you were in the office.

Wishimaywishimight · 24/02/2023 15:13

He doesn't sound remotely interested in his daughter which is really sad both for her and for you too.

Mari9999 · 24/02/2023 15:17

@Pallisers
Do SAHP not get to eat lunch, go to the loo, take the occasional nap etc?

The OP should change her day off if she is going to be frustrated by her husband's functioning as an employee in his wfh day.

He does not seem to be a very engaged father at the best of times, but to expect him to engage with his child when he is supposed to be working is a bit unfair. It does not matter how demanding or relaxed the job, the time belongs to his employer.

Given that the OP and her husband do not seem to share similar outlooks on many things, it is probably not a wise choice for them to intrude on each others work schedules It is probably foreseeable that things would not go well with them being in the home on the same weekday.

If they are going to continue living together, better they recognize and accept that somethings are best avoided

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/02/2023 15:18

Sounds like a selfish, juvenile screens and sports addict.

This isn't doing your daughter's development any good.

Banchory · 24/02/2023 15:22

I’d invite a few other mums and babies round every Friday lunchtime.
But I’m like that.

Weallhaveavoice · 24/02/2023 15:33

Think your DH needs to get off his I’m working pedestal
Id take DD upstairs at lunchtime. Sit her on his lap and go out for a peaceful shop, walk etc
I had to put up with this sort of crap when mine were little, (even when we had the twins)dh went about like his life didn’t need to change.

So I just started doing all the shopping etc when he was at home, walked out the door “I’ll be a few hours, the boys are in the living room, don’t forget to feed them…..”. When he realised he was left on his own with 3 small children he soon wised up and did his bit.

Still struggling to get 50/50 with the diy tho

Id screen shot some of these MN comments here and see what his reaction is.

cloudsintheskies · 24/02/2023 15:43

Weallhaveavoice · 24/02/2023 15:33

Think your DH needs to get off his I’m working pedestal
Id take DD upstairs at lunchtime. Sit her on his lap and go out for a peaceful shop, walk etc
I had to put up with this sort of crap when mine were little, (even when we had the twins)dh went about like his life didn’t need to change.

So I just started doing all the shopping etc when he was at home, walked out the door “I’ll be a few hours, the boys are in the living room, don’t forget to feed them…..”. When he realised he was left on his own with 3 small children he soon wised up and did his bit.

Still struggling to get 50/50 with the diy tho

Id screen shot some of these MN comments here and see what his reaction is.

If he does not care about his own child, he won't care about what people on MN say.

billy1966 · 24/02/2023 15:46

Your poor child.

What an utter and complete selfish waster you have chosen for her father.

I hope your contraception is bullet proof.

Do not inflict him on another child.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2023 16:02

how is he with her the rest of the time? why can't you all eat together? why can't you pee without him - what happens if you need the loo between 9 and 12?

but yanbu to expect him to not totally ignore his daughter knowing it upsets her

Guis · 24/02/2023 16:02

Lunch. Odd to ignore his daughter. Don't you ask him to why he won't interact with her ?

As to lunch, why don't you make enough for you both ? And have lunch together...

Some peoples workplace and WFH really monitor what is done, when etc. So people cannot take out 15 mins here and there. Not always no.

rothbury · 24/02/2023 16:03

Sounds like he doesn’t like either of you very much/at all.

Why are you tolerating this?

Pallisers · 24/02/2023 16:06

He does not seem to be a very engaged father at the best of times, but to expect him to engage with his child when he is supposed to be working is a bit unfair. It does not matter how demanding or relaxed the job, the time belongs to his employer.

If the time belongs to his employer why is he watching footy on the tv?

ChrisTrepidation · 24/02/2023 16:13

So he basically isn't interested in engaging with his own child?

What's the point of him? Prick. Just get rid!

Naunet · 24/02/2023 16:21

Why did he even want kids? Was it just to trap you or something? He’s a terrible father, poor child. And poor you too, he doesn’t sound like much of a partner.

GoodChat · 24/02/2023 16:23

Naunet · 24/02/2023 16:21

Why did he even want kids? Was it just to trap you or something? He’s a terrible father, poor child. And poor you too, he doesn’t sound like much of a partner.

OP has only said this is what he's like during his work day. I agree he's probably not great generally but I don't think we should go in full force until OP clarifies.

amonsteronthehill · 24/02/2023 16:44

YANBU, but only because I have noticed that women with children are 'expected' to do all kinds of chores and bits when they have breaks/lunch breaks when working from home, or do errands if working from an office, but men seem to be absolved from these chores/bits/errands on their breaks.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/02/2023 16:47

HowToExplainRight · 24/02/2023 13:29

Why on earth don't you make three portions so you can all eat together?

Why on earth do you think it's a woman's job to make a man's lunch?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/02/2023 16:52

HowToExplainRight · 24/02/2023 13:29

Why on earth don't you make three portions so you can all eat together?

Yes. OP - why aren't you making lunch for him too so that he can ignore his daughter and watch football news in peace.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/02/2023 16:53

I wouldn't want a man this actively disengaged with my child to live under the same roof as her. I would be focusing my energy into finding a way to LTB, so that she didn't grow up believing that her daddy finds her less interesting than watching telly, & is annoyed by he existence.

You have every right to feel frustrated, dismayed & upset OP.

Don't waste too much time on those feeling though - what you need to be is angry. You've accidentally married a sexist slob whose appalling attitude is going to be seriously damaging to your girl's wellbeing if you don't remove him from the equation. Let him be a Disney Dad if that's all hes capable of - start planning how you can afford to divorce, & create a happy household for you & DD.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/02/2023 16:55

Guis · 24/02/2023 16:02

Lunch. Odd to ignore his daughter. Don't you ask him to why he won't interact with her ?

As to lunch, why don't you make enough for you both ? And have lunch together...

Some peoples workplace and WFH really monitor what is done, when etc. So people cannot take out 15 mins here and there. Not always no.

Why doesn't HE make enough lunch for them both?

There. Fixed that for you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/02/2023 17:00

I would have adored being able to see my DC at lunchtimes, even if it was just for 10 minutes and to share a meal with them or have a quick play with them when they were small.
I can't understand his disengagement at all.
Sorry for both you and DD.