Constant Moaning

[Fairytits]

I am sick and tired of my partner's constant moaning.
It's constant, repetitive, he drones on & on & on saying the same things he says every time he moans about a particular subject, almost like he's on autopilot, he knows it annoys me, yet on & on he goes:
It's everything & everyone.

If we are driving, it will be everyone elses driving or bright lights from other cars, for the entire journey, every journey. This happens every time we are in the car, the same complaints, his moaning neither changes or solves anything just annoys me and anyone else in the car. He even arrives home after work and feels the need to give me a debrief on his drive to and from work.

Seemingly everyone he works with is incompetent, he is the only one who knows how to do anything properly, everyone else is lazy, his boss is incompetent and everyone he works with is two faced.

Even family & friends have huge failings which I am told of on repeat.

Then there is the noise that anyone else makes where we live, be it DIY, music, kids playing.

Don't get me started on his annoyance at everyone elses parking on our street or the number of cars they park on the road.
Smells, unexplained noises, BBQs, people looking at him funny, chainsaws , other people's dogs barking etc etc etc in fact, you name it - he will have some beef with it !

The moaning is relentless and on particular subjects it is as if it is on repeat, the same phrases the same gripes over & over & over.

He is not interested in solutions, compromise, having it pointed out to him that he has car lights, does DIY, owns a barking dog, has a BBQ, in fact does most of the things he complains about in others !

It is annoying, exhausting, to me pointless, he winds himself up over things that I see as " life"
Frankly we have bigger problems than above, aging parents, job security, rising prices, but he focuses on the trivial ?

So, my aibu question is just that ?
Or does anyone else have one of these and the manual ?

I got mine a grumpy old git tee shirt . He wears it in bed instead of pyjamas.
Which means of course, that he isn’t.

I try not to get dragged down by my other halves moaming
What works for me is completely ignoring his moaning - normally work, illness, family and I don't engage. When he's finished his diatribe I come out with a completely unrelated question/comment eg 'so, I've got either lamb or chicken for a curry, which do you fancy?'

My mum can be like this. If it’s a particularly irrelevant rant I do often ask “why are you telling me this?” And she usually has no better answer than “I thought you’d like to know”. Which allows me to explain that constant negativity is draining and unpleasant to be around and there is no need to voice every one of her thoughts. I swear to God it’s like being stuck in a Virginia Woolf novel.
JUST KEEP IT IN YOUR HEAD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!

My dh 57 is exactly the same but complains I'm moaning!
Loves to hear his own voice. It's so so so tiring!

My late mil was like this. It was a drain and nothing ( I mean nothing ) made her happy
She could moan for England
Has your partner any friends who are the same ? Maybe lock them up together, or get them to go out together , to moan it out !
Competitive moaning. Should be a sport

I know this was posted a while back but is there a possibility he is on the autism spectrum? I was reading it initially thinking what an arse but after reading so far something clicked.
A lot of what he moans about is sensory related, bright lights, loud noises, smells etc. People with ASD also struggle with social cues so it would explain why he doesn’t realise how annoying it is to be complaining all the time. They also have a habit of being very repetitive and going over and over the same topic/dominating the conversation.

There is also some research that suggests certain traits of autism can worsen with age or people start to control them less, especially common with undiagnosed adults.

Or he might just be a moany arse 🤷‍♀️

Moro93

That's very interesting, will look into that, thanks

My god my partner is the same , first breath he takes is moaning about the nights sleep he had or the weather outside how he hates the UK before i have had a cup of tea, he is moaning about what ive done wrong or not done or perhaps i should have done , WHO CARES . He makes me have anxiety and feel depressed

Why are you wasting your life with someone who makes you depressed and anxious? Life is too short, find someone who makes you happy

I don’t mind my partner complaining about things that are actually important. There are lots of things wrong in the world, and often there’s nothing we can do about them, so moaning isn’t completely unreasonable.

But I have zero tolerance for any moaning related to other drivers, roadworks, traffic, traffic lights, traffic calming, traffic wardens, parking restrictions, parking charges, bus lanes, cyclists, motorcyclists, or anything else that involves vehicles. Especially if I’m the one who is driving.

What's the matter with you all?? I mean, I'm enjoying your sweetly humorous, forbearing replies but, fgs, why are you living like this?

FWIW, I have noticed that many men of this type seem to have some ASD-type thing going on. If you could even get such a misery to accept he might have "something wrong with him" (unlikely!) and seek a diagnosis, what difference d'you think it would make? All your expensive & exhausting campaign will get you is a ceaselessly moaning, overbearing bore with a piece of paper proving he can't help it.

Instead of cute little lists and cheery suggestions - all of which will be ignored or moaned about - how about yelling "STOP MOANING!" very loud. Ring the changes by yelling "YOU'RE UNBEARABLE" now and again.

After a few weeks of this making no bloody difference, yell "I'M DIVORCING YOU". And do it. Peace at last!

Be blunt. Say 'Why are you telling me this?' If he responds with 'I was just saying' tell him 'No, you weren't just saying at all, you are repeating ad finitum and boring everyone to tears. I'm fed up being spoken at just so you can vent your spleen. It's incredibly boring and very unattractive you know.'
Each time he does is say 'You're doing it again. Stop'. Maybe suggest he tells you one good thing about his day instead. If he struggles to do this maybe he'll realise just how negative he is.
Oh and BTW....just ensure you're not doing the same but on your one topic....him. lf you're continually moaning about how judgemental/boring/frustrating he is, yet do nothing ....maybe it's you that needs to ring in the changes starting with a new OH!

Does he bring joy to you life?

If not, a charity shop won't take him so time for the bin.

I could me reading about myself above ,i am told im fore ever moaning and its because im fed up as i have copd and house bound but im also fed up because its not the life i wanted although iv had holidays and stuff ,i had to get married at 17 and had a still born son ,i divorced and married again but not always been happy i would of liked a career in nursing or something in a hospital enviroment also lack of love and cuddles or emotional love when you need it ie losing a parent or other family member so try giving him praise for the good things he does and some love

I see this time and again with men of his age. They spend their lives thinking they are Very Important Indeed and because of this, the world should be geared up to please and convenience them. The older they get the more entrenched becomes their belief they should be afforded special levels of respect and compliance, because they are now not just a Very Important Man, but a Very Important Mature and Experienced Man, who knows everything and is better at it than everyone else. The sheer frustration and rage they experience when the rest of the world is too stupid to realise this leads to the behaviour you describe. I'm sorry, i don't know the cure.

Could he be depressed? Might be worth him getting a check up, well man check as something could be impacting his mood/mojo

Living with a moaner is so draining.

Makes you wonder what Mr Perfect is saying about you op.

Mine went through a phase of this. DH would moan about everything. I took to taking the piss out of him for it and he eventually ‘grew out of it’ in his mid 50s.

Just wanted to point out that this thread was started in February 2023, so hopefully the OP was able to get some resolution then.

Why not dump him? Having a boyfriend is solely to enhance your life hugely, and for making it fun. What's the point of this man?

LOL

Yes it was, but the topic is ever green, and some of the posts in here are classic and well worth revisiting.

Hope you have had some improvement OP, do come and update us if you can!

I switched from a moaner to a natural optimist, and I can't even begin to express the relief. It is just so nice to be met - seven years in- with smiles and expressions of appreciation and warmth for the world in general. Of course when bad things happen, he registers those- but the default is positivity.

I feel so much lighter, because I'm not trying to carry that weight of someone else's misery all the time.

I think this is actually deeply true (as well as darkly funny)

My DH started the complaining at 52yrs.. I’m 2 years in!