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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Constant Moaning

103 replies

Fairytits · 22/02/2023 20:58

I am sick and tired of my partner's constant moaning.
It's constant, repetitive, he drones on & on & on saying the same things he says every time he moans about a particular subject, almost like he's on autopilot, he knows it annoys me, yet on & on he goes:
It's everything & everyone.

If we are driving, it will be everyone elses driving or bright lights from other cars, for the entire journey, every journey. This happens every time we are in the car, the same complaints, his moaning neither changes or solves anything just annoys me and anyone else in the car. He even arrives home after work and feels the need to give me a debrief on his drive to and from work.

Seemingly everyone he works with is incompetent, he is the only one who knows how to do anything properly, everyone else is lazy, his boss is incompetent and everyone he works with is two faced.

Even family & friends have huge failings which I am told of on repeat.

Then there is the noise that anyone else makes where we live, be it DIY, music, kids playing.

Don't get me started on his annoyance at everyone elses parking on our street or the number of cars they park on the road.
Smells, unexplained noises, BBQs, people looking at him funny, chainsaws , other people's dogs barking etc etc etc in fact, you name it - he will have some beef with it !

The moaning is relentless and on particular subjects it is as if it is on repeat, the same phrases the same gripes over & over & over.

He is not interested in solutions, compromise, having it pointed out to him that he has car lights, does DIY, owns a barking dog, has a BBQ, in fact does most of the things he complains about in others !

It is annoying, exhausting, to me pointless, he winds himself up over things that I see as " life"
Frankly we have bigger problems than above, aging parents, job security, rising prices, but he focuses on the trivial ?

So, my aibu question is just that ?
Or does anyone else have one of these and the manual ?

OP posts:
MrNook · 23/02/2023 21:00

Oh my god I could've written this!

DP complains from the minute we get up to the minute we go to bed. First thing in the morning he moans about his pillow, about whatever is on the news, he doesn't like his breakfast, the music in the shops is too loud, the neighbours are too loud, someone looked at him funny, the way someone is parked, he didn't like his lunch,whatever series he's watching, absolutely EVERYTHING

MidgeHardcastle · 23/02/2023 21:08

This evening, 5 minute rant about HOW could all 4 tyres on his new van have different pressure readings, going onto the planets lining up in the sky tonight because who CARES about that?? Then huffing about a roaring motorbike going up the road. I told him I couldn't hear it above the constant drone in the living room.

GettingStuffed · 23/02/2023 21:12

At least you could buy him a t-shirt from here www.grumpyoldmantshirts.co.uk/

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2023 21:24

I'd be making a list of all the things he moans about, and printing it off. Then I'd attach the list to a clipboard and ostentatiously mark off the item on the list as he reaches it. I'd keep a record of his daily score on the door of the fridge.

If he's going to be like that, I'm going to get some fun for myself out of it.

Crikeyalmighty · 23/02/2023 21:37

Thing is it's like porn- I think they think we all just shrug our shoulders and think 'oh men will be men' - whereas in reality I think plenty of us are actually really really fed up of it , 'tolerate it grudgingly ' and a good lottery win would see many of us out the door .

FruHagen · 23/02/2023 21:41

Oh it's so draining. Sorry for you OP.

Is it not a bit of a mental loop? Some people just get into the habit of moaning.
I caught myself doing it in my 20's, although I wasn't a fun sponge, just always looking at the negative. I read a lot about positive thinking and trained myself to actively stop the negative loop and also told myself I was not allowed to moan to anyone. It worked. I don't do it anymore. It was a habit that I changed. So happy I did and I bet everyone I know is happy too.

Can you see if your DH can do something similar? I am guessing he will think it's a stupid idea but maybe 🤔

UnattendedPotato · 23/02/2023 21:45

I honestly thought my DH was too busy moaning at me to be in another relationship but apparently he lives with you too? The driving commentary is the worst.

Furrydogmum · 23/02/2023 21:51

Honestly.. Get him to drive in and around Bradford at any time of day - it may render him speechless for a short while!

TattyDevine · 23/02/2023 21:58

Department of petty rage on Facebook - he will find an outlet and his people 👍🏻

If he's still out of order - they will tell him.

Fraaahnces · 23/02/2023 22:14

I can see you as this woman one day soon.

DeeCeeCherry · 23/02/2023 23:08

This put me in mind of an ex. We were together for 5 years. I was worn down by his moaning. Same style as your H. One day I snapped and finished with him.

I cannot begin to describe the sheer bliss of the peace, no bloody moaning. To me it was like having had a really annoying radio programme playing in the background of my life for ages. Then one day I leaned over and turned it off. I actually dreamt a few weeks later that I was back with him. Woke up with a feeling of dread and misery, then slowly and happily dawned on me that it was all a dream😁.

I don't know what you can do tho as ime these type of men don't change. IImagine you'll be weeping daily stuck with him in your retirement. If youre lucky he'll get an allotment or start traipsing down to government/public offices to annoy the life out of some unlucky staff member. Then he'll be out of your way at least for a while

Timesawastin · 23/02/2023 23:32

MidgeHardcastle · 23/02/2023 21:08

This evening, 5 minute rant about HOW could all 4 tyres on his new van have different pressure readings, going onto the planets lining up in the sky tonight because who CARES about that?? Then huffing about a roaring motorbike going up the road. I told him I couldn't hear it above the constant drone in the living room.

I'm sorry but I lol'd

Timesawastin · 23/02/2023 23:34

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2023 21:24

I'd be making a list of all the things he moans about, and printing it off. Then I'd attach the list to a clipboard and ostentatiously mark off the item on the list as he reaches it. I'd keep a record of his daily score on the door of the fridge.

If he's going to be like that, I'm going to get some fun for myself out of it.

Brilliant

Fraaahnces · 24/02/2023 04:49

Maybe some moaning bingo cards for the whole family to play over dinner…

Thepossibility · 24/02/2023 06:03

I hate him too.

Sleepless1096 · 24/02/2023 06:06

I would challenge him to say one positive thing for every negative thing he moans about.

And if he can't do that, I'd do it myself.
'X has too many cars. Why do they need that number of cars?'
'I really like their red car, don't you?'
'They park like shit. It's so annoying'.
'They always seem so friendly, don't you think? She always waves on her way out with the kids'.
And so on.

Just keep it relentlessly happy and upbeat. If it doesn't achieve anything else, at least it'll piss him off!

MrsRickAstley · 24/02/2023 06:07

He doesnt need the doctor, he needs to be told to STFU !!

FromMyKitchen21 · 24/02/2023 06:41

Yep. Partner 53 and it never ends. I dread him coming home, what will it be this time? Is it an age thing I wonder. Constant low level misery

whattodo1975 · 24/02/2023 06:41

Sounds like he is a mumsnet regular.

Sunriseinwonderland · 24/02/2023 06:49

I'd have shrieked shut up you miserable fuck long before now.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 24/02/2023 07:29

This was my ex and one of the reasons I'm glad to be shot of him.

Every event was marred by his constant moaning. Kids birthday parties, too noisy, bouncy castle was crap, too long. Family holidays, too hot, too cold, rubbish food, too many kids, waiting in the airport. The same with his job, his family, where we lived. Urghh I remember going to the cinema to see a film that HE wanted to see, IN THE CINEMA, got there the queue was too long. Tickets too expensive, popcorn too expensive, when the film started it was too loud. That was my break moment with him and I started to do things alone or just with the dc after that

Honestly op you have my sympathies. I'm now married to someone with a happy and positive outlook and even after 10 years together I still find his attitude to things a breath of fresh air

Original poster
Fairytits · 24/02/2023 10:06

Your replies have made me laugh and made me realise I am not alone.

It seems the moaning middle aged man ( and younger ) and the catalogue of things that irk them is universal.
In fact I now have visions of all the blokes in our street, curtain twitching and giving their other halves the lowdown on the piss poor parking !
Why they can't keep this nonsense in their heads but feel the need to share I just don't get ?

Love the moaning bingo and clip board checklist, I already do this in my head !

I have lost count of the number of times I have politely told him I have reached my moan tolerance quota ( generally ignored) and when not feeling polite STFU ( takes offence ) apparantly he has the unique right to say whatever he wants ! Interesting when he is so intolerant of others actions & opinions !

I left my exh because he was a bore, rarely voiced an contentious opinion, always wanted to project this veneer of Mr Reasonable and changed his views with the company he was with & the weather.
That was bad enough, but when he compared himself to Marcus Aurelius and wanted to spend our retirement in a camper van ( not that Marcus Aurelius lived in a camper van ! Just my abject horror of being in such a small space with him) that I realised I had had enough of his pretentious shite.
Turned out he was none of the above, but a sneaky, duplicitous, deceitful piece of work with a bit on the side - hopefully she likes the idea of living in a campervan with a a Roman emperor ?
I digress...... My current partner was a breath of fresh air ( at first ) nothing complicated or deluded about him. But over the years the moaning every time something ( always the same things ) sets him off, I just wish I could get through to him the futility, how ridiculous he sounds and how much it wears me & others down.

OP posts:
MidgeHardcastle · 24/02/2023 10:50

Set him a test Op. Each moan has to be followed by a positive. If he moaned an hour ago he can't moan again until it been interspersed with eg 'It's lovely and sunny outside'. This has two benefits. It will be a relief for you not hearing wall-to-wall complaining or he will not say another word all day. Smile

whatisforteamum · 24/02/2023 17:30

Parking,drivers and which bin it is this week....arrrgh🤣

MrsHughesPinny · 24/02/2023 17:36

I had one of these. It got me down so much… I now no longer have one.

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