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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Constant Moaning

103 replies

Fairytits · 22/02/2023 20:58

I am sick and tired of my partner's constant moaning.
It's constant, repetitive, he drones on & on & on saying the same things he says every time he moans about a particular subject, almost like he's on autopilot, he knows it annoys me, yet on & on he goes:
It's everything & everyone.

If we are driving, it will be everyone elses driving or bright lights from other cars, for the entire journey, every journey. This happens every time we are in the car, the same complaints, his moaning neither changes or solves anything just annoys me and anyone else in the car. He even arrives home after work and feels the need to give me a debrief on his drive to and from work.

Seemingly everyone he works with is incompetent, he is the only one who knows how to do anything properly, everyone else is lazy, his boss is incompetent and everyone he works with is two faced.

Even family & friends have huge failings which I am told of on repeat.

Then there is the noise that anyone else makes where we live, be it DIY, music, kids playing.

Don't get me started on his annoyance at everyone elses parking on our street or the number of cars they park on the road.
Smells, unexplained noises, BBQs, people looking at him funny, chainsaws , other people's dogs barking etc etc etc in fact, you name it - he will have some beef with it !

The moaning is relentless and on particular subjects it is as if it is on repeat, the same phrases the same gripes over & over & over.

He is not interested in solutions, compromise, having it pointed out to him that he has car lights, does DIY, owns a barking dog, has a BBQ, in fact does most of the things he complains about in others !

It is annoying, exhausting, to me pointless, he winds himself up over things that I see as " life"
Frankly we have bigger problems than above, aging parents, job security, rising prices, but he focuses on the trivial ?

So, my aibu question is just that ?
Or does anyone else have one of these and the manual ?

OP posts:
UnusualOffer · 23/02/2023 08:33

If he won't see the GP or change his moaning, sit him down and tell him that his moaning is affecting you. He can think his negative thoughts but he doesn't have to voice them.
Make it very clear that his negativity is becoming impossible to live with because it's affecting your wellbeing. Something needs to change.

FWIW my life is so much better without a similar fun-sponge in it 😊

WorryMcGee · 23/02/2023 08:35

Are you my mum? Because this sounds just like my dad. We won’t mind if you leave him, honest (we’ve thought you should for years)

UnusualOffer · 23/02/2023 08:40

It was like living with Colin Robinson in the end.

Pfeiffle · 23/02/2023 09:20

We must know the same fella 🙄😂 does your DH shout at the tv as well? At its worst I’ve told him I can’t hear the tv because he’s shouting the same thing over and over.

Norriscolesbag · 23/02/2023 09:26

Is this my dad? It’s not a conversation with him unless he’s slagging someone or something off 😂

Lentilweaver · 23/02/2023 09:29

I was going to ask if he is in his mid fifties and yes, of course he is. It's the male menopause.

Zebedee55 · 23/02/2023 09:44

He sounds like Victor Meldrew, OP.😳

My husband can mump and moan, but I don't think I could stand it all day.😗😗

fairgame84 · 23/02/2023 09:50

He sounds like my parents.
I actively avoid answering the phone to them because it's draining listening to them moaning about insignificant shite.

fairgame84 · 23/02/2023 09:53

Norriscolesbag · 23/02/2023 09:26

Is this my dad? It’s not a conversation with him unless he’s slagging someone or something off 😂

Same.
His latest rant is that the new neighbour weeds the common land in their cul de sac. Dad was paying a gardner to do it and now he doesn't need to because neighbour does it for free. Apparently that's a bad thing but he can't explain why.

Londonnight · 23/02/2023 10:05

This sounds so much like my ex. This was one of the reasons we ended up divorcing as I couldn't stand his constant complaining about anything and everything constantly! It is absolutely draining to have this all day, every day. Nothing made him happy.
I once remember walking back home and realising he was home early and my heart just dropped. That was the day when I knew I had to do something for my own sanity.

Charliescat · 23/02/2023 10:07

I have one of these too and he’s only 40 but I feel like I’ve just woken up to how negative and draining life is with someone like this . I used to think I had anxiety but feel like most of my mental health issues stem from a dad who is like this and now a partner of 19 years . It’s relentless

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/02/2023 10:25

Grumpy old man syndrome

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/02/2023 10:27

@fairgame84 it's a bad thing because the neighbour has started a turf war (lol).

Your dad felt ownership of the common land because he paid he gardener. This meant he could complain at people who walked on it etc. now he has no leg to stand on when someone does.

He doesn't like to lose his entirely made up turf.

fairgame84 · 23/02/2023 10:33

@IDontWantToBeAPie you might be on to something there. He was moaning about where her visitor's park but I was only half listening. I bet they park on that land as we park on it when we visit.
Something else about her answering her door in her dressing gown and speaking too loud on the phone when her windows were open in summer.
I feel sorry for the poor lady living next door to Victor Meldrew's long lost twin.

BananaPalm · 23/02/2023 10:34

But how do you all deal with that?

It's easy for others to say "just have your own little life" (even if it's internally) but, after all, being around so much constant negativity is draining and often quite enraging. Especially if you add moodiness into the mix. How not to end up angry and resentful or, eventually, numb?

Lentilweaver · 23/02/2023 10:56

Honestly I am getting very grumpy myself in menopause. I call him out and he calls me out.

I also spend a lot of time on solitary walks!

Crikeyalmighty · 23/02/2023 11:01

Why do you think one foot in the grave was so successful! And why divorces are high post menopause! Women stop tolerating this and enabling it as their nurturing hormones decrease. To be fair sometimes it's the reverse too

Lentilweaver · 23/02/2023 11:07

I can feel my nurturing hormones decreasing as I type! I am also pretty short with the DC. Because I am tired. DH meanwhile is tired of his job and counting the days until he retires. Every 4 months we have a massive yelling match!

Ppzd · 23/02/2023 12:24

Hi OP, could it be low testosterone levels?
It can drop dramatically past a certain age and can cause mood swings, depression, irritability etc. Worth looking into it as I think you can get treatment for it to balance hormones out, like for menopause for us.

Good luck, seems like neither of you is enjoying life at the moment!

crowsfeet57 · 23/02/2023 17:47

I think Pam Ayres has the same problem.
poetryarchive.org/poem/they-should-have-asked-my-husband/

whatisforteamum · 23/02/2023 17:52

Mine is like this we get up before 5 am.
Me happy and positive him moany old git.
Spoils my morning a bit.I thinking the bus fair would save this bullshit.

NewIdeasToday · 23/02/2023 18:10

@crowsfeet57
That Pam Ayers poem is brilliant. Thanks for sharing it

Crikeyalmighty · 23/02/2023 19:39

That Pam Ayres poem- lol indeed!!'love it

MrsColinRobinson · 23/02/2023 20:03

It's obvious to all why I need to join this party.

Mine seems his most content being fucking miserable. I'm now perimeno and utterly sick of it.

Jazzy21 · 23/02/2023 20:36

Depression? My Mum was never like this but it has started since she retired. In her case, it’s depression, mixed in with boredom too I think. I feel bad but I have to psyche myself up to be in her company, I limit my time with her, and I feel drained on the drive home. Not an option for you if it’s your DH! But that would drive me mad if it was a daily occurrence.