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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to pull my son out of nursery based on what I’ve seen?

112 replies

rsarw · 22/02/2023 08:32

12 month old DS just started nursery in baby room. over the course of two settling in visits and his first day I’ve seen the following:
babies being left to it/ not picked up or comforted when crying, multiple times - I’ve had to resist the urge to comfort them myself. It’s possible they were eventually picked up after I left but it went on for a good 5 mins and staff seemed to completely ignore it.

Very little staff interaction with babies, staff are rarely on the floor playing or interacting with them. Babies are desperate for attention so swarm me when I come in.

little girl fell off a bike toy badly, hitting her head. Member of staff didn’t know what to do and had to be told by another multiple times to apply a cold compress. She then picked DS up and put him on the same toy
despite the fact he’s not old enough and his key worker had to take him off it.

staff heating milk too hot for babies, and other staff member noticing and reminding them they needed to check it. Baby could presumably have burnt mouth if other staff hadn’t stepped in.

DS incredibly thirsty on return from first proper day, hadn’t had his milk, assuming also hadn’t had water.

staff expressing slight contempt for babies eg X does that for attention, ‘they throw themselves at the floor to get
us to come over’

my son’s key worker hardly interacting with him at his settling sessions, not noticing/ leaving him to cry on the floor when upset (when I was there).

communication with me not good, when asking how the day/ session was or calling for an update they will just say ‘he seems ok’ or ‘he’s doing well’, then when I ask if he’s been crying it turns out he has.
DS distressed at pickup from first session, and unsettled all evening and night. He’s generally a very chill baby. I get it’s an adjustment but this seems a lot for just 4 hours.

staff seem very focussed on completing tasks eg nappies and meals and naps and app updates but not on general engagement with the babies. I get nursery is 3:1 and will inevitably be less attentive but it feels like the staff actively avoid the babies to try and get them to expect less and be more self sufficient.

basically my hunch is the kids get ignored and left to cry a lot and the staff aren’t great.

on the plus side, he’s apparently eaten lots at mealtimes, and he’s napped well there.

based on all this we’re looking at taking him out, despite the fact I go back to work in 2 weeks and we have no backup. Currently trying to find a nanny at short notice, although this will cost us some savings it feels like the only option until
we can find a better nursery.

OP posts:
Bog · 22/02/2023 21:42

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 22/02/2023 19:42

I mean you clearly know that you are in fact being rude and goady.

Would it be better if we all quit our jobs and either went onto benefits or starved and went homeless?

I work, I have worked since I was 16 and I like having a career, does that mean I shouldn't have children in your opinion?

How do you afford to have children and not work?

I genuinely don't mean to come across as goady.
I have a son and wfh luckily.
I just don't understand...educate me then.

NurseryNurse10 · 22/02/2023 21:43

Anyone who says you shouldnt cuddle babies as they will get too attached or spoilt shouldn't be anywhere near a baby room in my opinion.
Making strong attachments is essential especially at this age. If I ever go to a nursery and they say I can't cuddle a baby then I don't go back as it's completely against what I believe in. It takes a very cold person to see a distressed baby and say 'Leave them, they are doing it for attention.' Clearly you dont want to be cuddling them all day as it stops them from walking/crawling/sitting etc but the settings that ban it completely are completely negligent in my opinion and not places I ever go back to. I am agency so get to choose where I go thankfully.

Bog · 22/02/2023 21:44

GummyBearMummyBear · 22/02/2023 20:31

Think you answered your own question- because they need to work. Is it really that inconceivable that a woman might be able to have a baby and a job?

Sounds awful OP, report to Ofstead and to the nursery manager, sounds like the children at the nursery could potentially be at risk in an environment like this.

No not at all.
It just seems stressful. Sorry I was genuinely asking out of interest not being a dick.

rsarw · 22/02/2023 21:52

Carrotsandsuede · 22/02/2023 17:59

NC for this.

Wont say my job or anything. But.. I wouldn’t put my child in nursery until they could talk. I say this as someone who has professional knowledge from the inside, including the highly rated ofsted nurseries which tend to be as crappy as the rest but with smarter management who know what buttons to hit for inspections.

I know lots of parents jump to say ‘my kid loved nursery’. This in a way maybe true. But that’s because if you’ve been going somewhere several times a week since 9 months old or younger then it becomes ‘the norm’ to have at best low level neglect. So those small kids will happily go into nursery as that’s all they’ve known.

In reality it’s very much like what the PP have said. Full of mainly very young female workers who are disinterested either way. Basic physical needs are met but that’s about it. No emotional warmth. The ones that do have emotional warmth tend to leave because of the environment.

You have to think how hard it is to take care of your own one baby who you love unconditionally. Now imagine being an unrelated 17 year old girl on minimum wage with 3 babies to care for!

You do get the odd good one. But even those I am sceptical of as from my experience the better nurseries just have better front of house staff and management. They know what parents expect to see when in the room. They know what ofsted expect. But the minute there are no parents about, the babies are put down and they go through the ‘checklist’ of tasks whilst chatting amongst themselves ignoring the children.
Im talking a worker ‘on the floor’ taking pictures of the kids with whatever toy whilst chatting away to their mate/colleague who is doing the app with a bunch of kids screaming. Ignoring the dirty nappies and dehydration.. so if a parent walks past they think ‘oh look they’re playing with the kids!’

Ive also known of staff to do the checklists of nappy, breakfast, picture for app for all the kids as quickly as possible. Then literally walk out for a cig leaving them unattended as their ‘work is done’ for the next hour! Then upload said pictures to look like that’s what they’re doing at that moment!

sorry I could rant forever. It’s actually upsetting to type this thinking of the babies/kids.

seriously follow your gut!!! Maybe look into a childminder until they’re a bit older?

But saying that, you don’t have another person to hold the childminder accountable or report them. So that also comes with issues.

It’s a minefield. Really it is.

If it wasn’t for my job I wouldn’t think twice like other parents as ignorance is bliss. But when you know, you know unfortunately.

Every word of this resonates. This is exactly the impression I’m getting. Tonnes of app updates, really fast, there’s just no way they’re spending time with the kids if they’re doing all that for everyone.

and your point about how hard it is to look after your own child, then applying this to nursery workers is so true.

I also have to say, l don’t think the babies cry at drop off just because they’re sad to leave mum etc, I genuinely think in many cases it’s because the child knows it’s in for several hours of low level neglect. My son never cries when I leave him with a trusted friend or family member for several hours, eg my mum, even when it’s a new place. It’s literally a scandal that parents are paying so much for this.

can I ask, I assume you’re a nursery worker?

OP posts:
zingerdoo · 22/02/2023 21:56

Take him out- seriously. If you have an instinct things aren't ok then take your baby out. I had similar with my daughter after 2 settling in sessions and ended up not sending her. 2 months later the nursery was closed by ofsted for being hugely inadequate and unsafe.

I thought at the time thank god i didn't make her stay there. I did have to delay going back to work but it was worth it. Now she's happy and settled at another nursey but it took time to find the right one and for her to be ready.

zingerdoo · 22/02/2023 22:03

Full disclosure- for my daughter it was another 2 years until we sent her in. She was brilliant when we did and so ready (but is also a school nursery she attends at age 3/4 and i know (and the staff know!) that if anything wasnt ok she's articulate enough to let EVERYONE know- for better of worse!).

My little one just wasnt ready to be left before now and if your instinct tells you somewhere isn't ok you must follow it. Good luck xx

Username721 · 22/02/2023 22:06

Bog · 22/02/2023 21:42

I genuinely don't mean to come across as goady.
I have a son and wfh luckily.
I just don't understand...educate me then.

Curious what kind of industry you work in that you can balance looking after a baby with doing a day of work?

ladygindiva · 22/02/2023 22:19

The nursery my twins went to didn't have apps or daily reports, the staff spent their shift engaging with the kids and seeing to their needs. There are good ones, how rare they are or aren't I don't know.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 22/02/2023 22:21

nutbrownhare15 · 22/02/2023 08:50

Take him out and report your concerns to Ofsted

This.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 22/02/2023 22:24

@Carrotsandsuede I completely agree with all you've written, that was my experience too sadly.
I took a long career break that cost me massively both in progression, and monetary terms, until my children could go to the nursery attached to their Primary school and crucially communicate with me about things that were happening. I'd make the same choices again in a heartbeat.

CrackingCrackling · 22/02/2023 22:31

God, this thread makes me want to take my 9 month old out of nursery and be a sahm despite loving my job 😫 I really think you can never truly know what happens when you are not there.

Bog · 23/02/2023 07:02

Username721 · 22/02/2023 22:06

Curious what kind of industry you work in that you can balance looking after a baby with doing a day of work?

I'm extremely lucky that I get a lot of support since my wife passed.

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