DM doesn’t want to meet new partner

[Kilsy]

I have been with my new bf almost 6 months. All going very well.

we are in our 30s, no kids, no history of bad relationships - no reason my family should be wary basically. A few close family members and friends have met him and all really like him.

DM lives a few hours away and is coming for a social visit this weekend. She is recovering from a physical op (fractured leg) so is not 100% but will still come. I have excitedly suggested she meet bf for a casual meeting (I have met his whole family a few times now) and she panicked at the idea, said she wasn’t feeling 100% and doesn’t want to this time basically.

im hurt - she isn’t often in my area and have suggested he comes to me, we meet somewhere local, anything to relieve the pressure basically. We have had some issues where DM basically doesn’t want to hear that much about the relationship and this feels hurtful - like she isn’t interested in meeting someone who is a key part of my life? I can see the relationship getting very serious and don’t really know how to handle her attitude. Aibu?

You appear to have missed the bit about her mother having just had an operation and not being up to meeting the new boyfriend just yet. She is not refusing to meet him ever, she is not even making it about the length of relationship. She is simply saying that she is t feeling up to it after her operation.

I'd been with my boyfriend almost 3 years when my mum died and she never met him. I was early 30s, had plenty of boyfriends previously and she had too much shit going on to be meeting strange men. I just don't understand why people expect others to be very interested in their love lives.

5 months is a very new relationship, I don’t blame your mum for not wanting to be that invested in meeting him yet. She wants to spend time with you, not your new boyfriend.

I’m sure she’ll feel differently when you’ve been together longer and when she’s feeling well.

I wouldn’t want to meet someone new if I wasn’t feeling myself. It can wait until she’s 100%, surely?

Just to clarify a few things.

we are practically living together not actually living together. We have our own properties and spaces but spend a few days together each week.

as I’ve said a few times now this is the first guy I’ve been serious enough with to introduce to my family and he has said it feels different as well (I’m one of a few girlfriends he has had over the years). I’ve dated a lot and this does feel different, in a good way. My friends and extended family have met him over the months casually and all of them have independently messaged me after saying “he’s great!!!!”

i have seen DM maybe three or four times for a few days at a time by ourselves since we started the relationship. Twice since her operation.

i was insistent she wouldn’t travel to me but it’s a jolly we’ve had booked in for ages (dinner out, spa day) and she was desperate to come. So please don’t insult me by saying that you would never let your mum visit when she was so unwell. Naively I thought that if she was up to the visit she would be up for meeting bf. But no. Her cast is all off she just walks a little more slowly than normal.

thanks anyway for the replies and can see Im being unreasonable. You may have seen in my first post that this is part of a wider pattern where she is less interested about my life. She doesn’t ask questions, she lets me talk and then seems bored sometimes. My bf’s family are desperate to ask about me and always give me a big hug and kiss when I go round, ask after me, ask him questions… they’re basically making a huge effort. It hurts but it is what it is.

Well, in laws who are heavily invested in their adult children's lives are a fucking nightmare if mn is anywhere to go by.

Anything*

You basically live with him after 5 months? Give your head a knock.

Your mother has had a major op and will need help moving around. Maybe she doesn't want to do that in front of a stranger.

And she is making the effort to come and see you? Why aren't you going to see her? Do you have a broken leg?

My bf’s family are desperate to ask about me

Each post makes it worse. Are you a narcissist? Mind you, you wouldn't know if you were.

Wow. Harsh.

I think I would be disappointed too OP, especially as you feel so strongly about your partner. As other posters have said, perhaps your Mum is feeling pressure to be ‘on’ when she’s not 100%, but it sounds hurtful that she doesn’t really express interest in other ways ie asking more about him and his family.

To all those saying 6 months is new, yes it is, in the grand scheme of things I suppose - but long enough to know whether something is becoming serious.

"it’s a jolly we’ve had booked in for ages (dinner out, spa day)"

So this is what you have planned for your day with your Mum when you see her? This might answer your question. She is looking forward to a girls' day out with her daughter and just her daughter.

So weird. Are we in the 50s? Why is it odd to live with someone after 5 months? If you’re consenting adults then what’s the issue?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy no I’m bloody well not

I can understand why you're feeling disappointed and hurt but if she's said no to meeting him this time then you'll just have to respect that.
I wonder if she's just not feeling as well as she claims right now and was just looking forward to the spa day and catching up with just you?
Also, is there a possibility that when you catch up on the phone or whatever, you go on and on about boyfriend and that's why she seems bored?

@rainbowstardrops no I don’t go on and on about him. I’ve respected her wishes. Thanks all.

Am I wrong in reading that you have a special day out with spa and dinner planned with your Mum? I can understand her not wanting someone else imposing on that.

Sorry perhaps I have explained badly. She is coming down for three days. She has insisted on coming down. One day is a girly day. Obviously my boyfriend wouldn’t join us for that. I had simply suggested that perhaps he join us for a 30 mins tea on one of the other days. She has refused. I am being unreasonable.

In that case, I would ask her why she doesn't want to meet him (for my information) and, depending on her answer to that, ask her when would be a good time. Let her nominate the time. If she won't, she just has no interest for whatever reason, valid or disappointing.

Could she be ignoring the relationship in hope that you might eventually move closer to her?

I get that you're excited, but there will be other times. She's probably still in pain, and as others have said, feeling fragile and vulnerable.

She's not up to meeting him, and that is not about you. That is about her still recovering. If you do get married, she'll have probably met him by then.

Just give her a bit of time to recover, then suggest she comes back down to meet him.

💯 THIS⬆️I obviously don’t know OP’s Mom, but speaking as an introvert, I completely understand the idea of feeling like I have to be “on.” It is REALLY draining/exhausting, and I can totally imagine I would “panic” a little if my DS wanted me to meet his SO, for the 1st time, when I’m not feeling “quite myself” (yet.)
Of course, I would want to meet them, get to know them…just at a later time.
I think OP should just ask her Mom…and accept if she tells you something like this…I know from experience others may think it’s silly, but it’s very real to me!

What has your mum been like with other people in your life? Previous BF’s? Friends? Is this different to normal (maybe due to her injury that may have affected her more than you realise) or general tendency? Hard to know otherwise. It would hurt but if she’s saying she’s not up to it & would like to when fully on form (maybe as much mentally as physically) then that’s fine - if I’d just not interested at all that would bother me too.