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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM doesn’t want to meet new partner

122 replies

Kilsy · 21/02/2023 20:39

I have been with my new bf almost 6 months. All going very well.

we are in our 30s, no kids, no history of bad relationships - no reason my family should be wary basically. A few close family members and friends have met him and all really like him.

DM lives a few hours away and is coming for a social visit this weekend. She is recovering from a physical op (fractured leg) so is not 100% but will still come. I have excitedly suggested she meet bf for a casual meeting (I have met his whole family a few times now) and she panicked at the idea, said she wasn’t feeling 100% and doesn’t want to this time basically.

im hurt - she isn’t often in my area and have suggested he comes to me, we meet somewhere local, anything to relieve the pressure basically. We have had some issues where DM basically doesn’t want to hear that much about the relationship and this feels hurtful - like she isn’t interested in meeting someone who is a key part of my life? I can see the relationship getting very serious and don’t really know how to handle her attitude. Aibu?

OP posts:
Hope551 · 21/02/2023 22:54

Honestly I lived with my partner and having a baby and my family still wouldn't meet him 😂 took till 7 months into pregnancy till my parents did. Brother, nephews, SIL only met once. It's awkward being heavily pregnant at Christmas with family when the daddy is excluded haha.

But I was in an abusive relationship before, he even completely fooled them, so they have trust issues with men coming into the family. So it is completely understandable and my partner understands. Once bitten twice shy, so it will probably take a few years for people to accept he won't suddenly turn into a monster.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2023 22:55

5 months is really nothing despite how you feel.

I think you are so wrapped up in this new relationship ( which is lovely and understandable ) that you are forgetting that not everyone else in your life will feel the same urge or excitement.

Also keep in she mind that your mother may have had an idea of what the visit would be like and is a bit resistant currently due to her leg to change that.
She may also have bad news or something she was hopping to say/do and would prefer to be alone with you.

Take the opportunity to schedule a time for them to meet with her imput on how she would feel comfortable.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/02/2023 22:57

I get that you’re disappointed, OP. You wanted your mom to be as excited as you are about this. But you need to listen to what she’s saying, whether it’s what you want to hear or not.

She isn’t up to it yet. She’s said so. That doesn’t mean “Oh, but surely just for an hour?” or “It’d all be very casual; he’s only coming for a cup of tea”. It means she doesn’t want to meet him this time. She’s still feeling a bit low after her op; she wants a bit of time with her daughter. After all, if this relationship is getting ever-more serious, she might not get you to herself that often in the future.

Upsidedownagain · 21/02/2023 23:05

Five months will seem like nothing to your mother- time flies as you get older and she isn't experiencing the excitement that you are. Maybe she'd rather wait and see how it pans out first - otherwise he is just a random stranger to her. Maybe she doesn't quite feel good about herself after breaking her leg - it's quite a vulnerable situation to be in. Maybe she is weighed down by anxieties or problems and doesn't want to make the effort socially.

I suggest it would be better, when the time is right, to formally introduce your DP at a pre-planned meeting, rather than having him casually pop over this time.

After all, if it works out as you hope it will, there will be plenty of time for them to get to know each other.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/02/2023 23:15

Is your BF pressuring you to meet her? As he has introduced you to his family.

Whatever, you would be unwise to force her to meet him when she has clearly told you that she doesn’t want to ?yet? Do you think that this is the way to get them off to a good start, when she is probably in physical discomfort, maybe uncertain how she looks and feels.

You are not a child , you don’t need your mother’s approval or even participation, nice as that might be. She’s slogging down to see you, maybe make her visit about her.

good luck with your relationship, I hope it works out for you.

theleafandnotthetree · 21/02/2023 23:15

I'm with you OP and would be perplexed and hurt by your mother's attitude. This is someone of great significance now in your life, the first person you've wanted to introduce her to - and 5 months is not such early days at this age and stage - and your mum doesn't seem to be willing to overcome her own misgivings, etc for your sake. It's all a bit feeble and disappointing. You are in love and excited to bring these two people together and she's like 'meh'. A bit embarrassing for you too if you've flagged a meet up with him.

BurbageBrook · 22/02/2023 05:43

Some harsh responses here OP! I'd be hurt and disappointed as well.

JPG21 · 22/02/2023 05:50

It's only a few months in, your mum's feeling ill and vulnerable and wants to spend time with her daughter not a bloke you've known 5 mins, sorry YABU

rothbury · 22/02/2023 05:54

You sound incredibly invested for five months in…

Cut your mum some slack this time. She’s obviously not feeling great.

If she doesn’t want to meet him next visit, then maybe broach it with her then.

LankylegsFromOz · 22/02/2023 05:57

OP in your other post on 14 February you say you are pregnant? Maybe that has something to do with it?

LankylegsFromOz · 22/02/2023 05:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Witsendwilly · 22/02/2023 06:01

I hadn’t met any of the in laws until our wedding day. Haven’t seen them since.

I will say hello if they are on FaceTime and I walk into the room to get something but that’s it.

Suits me and suits them. It’s entirely up to your mum

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 22/02/2023 06:01

Kilsy · 21/02/2023 20:58

Wow! I basically live with him and he’s a big part of my life. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get married one day. It’s not that new, it’s five months. Some really harsh responses here.

You just seem to have a problem listening.

LankylegsFromOz · 22/02/2023 06:04

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Sorry, wrong person. I've reported myself.

Ladybug14 · 22/02/2023 06:07

You've known him 5 months

You've met his family many times

You're practically living with him

You think there's a possibility of marriage in the future

And you're upset that your Mum won't meet him because she's feeling vulnerable after an operation?

You have way more problems than your poor Mum

See points 1 to 4 above

ConfusedConfused

MintJulia · 22/02/2023 06:08

verdantverdure · 21/02/2023 20:52

She's coming to see you. Her daughter. Not a stranger.

This. Whatever her reasons, she's clearly not feeling up to meeting him, so why would you force her to do something she is uncomfortable with.

Don't make as issue of it, don't leave him out of your conversation, but your mum clearly wants to spend time just with you.

Forcing it won't help.

WombatsAndGumTrees · 22/02/2023 06:47

Your Mum didn't say no, she just said not now. Maybe she cares about the first impression and being in good form when meeting someone potentially important the first time? I get that you're disappointed though and that's understandable. Try to give your Mum some understanding and hopefully she'll feel more up to it soon.

lightlypoached · 22/02/2023 06:50

Kilsy · 21/02/2023 22:22

Re the wedding thing, yes 5 months is a ridiculously short time and we may break up… but my point is that it feels serious already and I wouldn’t be surprised if it does head that way. I think most posters here will recognise that you know when things feel more serious / different from casual relationships.

She has heard a lot about him and I do spend a lot of time with him. I’m in my 30s so it’s not my first rodeo.

Hello OP. Well when you know, you know. Me and DH of 25 years got engaged after 3 weeks. We knew.

Some posters on here are stupidly harsh. I can understand your disappointment. You're all excited and you'd like your mum to be, a bit at least. We want the people we love to love the people we love.

If he practically lives with you, I'd just explain gently to your mum that she's likely to meet him anyway as he'll be over on Tuesday night (or whatever) as that's a regular thing. Just make it matter of fact, not a big song and dance.

She'll get over it. And after all it's your home so you can invite who you like. Maybe he can make a bit of a fuss over her and bring her tea and nice biscuits. Charm the pants off her. Most mums respond to that. And if she doesn't , hey ho. It's your life.

But do give her advanced warning in the actual day so she can get spruced up to look her bast as we all like to be ready for meeting new people and don't want to do it with messy hair and mascara all done our faces.

Good luck.

Josette77 · 22/02/2023 07:09

Op I think you are right to be disappointed. You would like her to be interested in your life. Big hug 💗
Also, when you know you know. xx

Butchyrestingface · 22/02/2023 07:17

She's had surgery and isn't feeling 100%. Whenever I've had surgery, I've felt pretty low afterwards. I would just enjoy the meet up with her and leave introductions for another time. If the relationship is going to be serious, she'll have plenty of opportunities to get to know him going forward.

Aprilx · 22/02/2023 07:23

Kilsy · 21/02/2023 20:58

Wow! I basically live with him and he’s a big part of my life. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get married one day. It’s not that new, it’s five months. Some really harsh responses here.

Your update makes you even more unreasonable than before. This is a very new relationship! Your mother had just had an operation and has told you she isn’t up to meeting somebody new, have some respect. Even a short meeting that will take a mental toll on some people.

silverclock222 · 22/02/2023 07:24

I get you're excited but she's recovering from an operation and probably just needs rest. You've plenty of time if you're likely to get married to take a trip to see her when she's better.

Doingmybest12 · 22/02/2023 07:25

I think it is odd she doesn't want to meet the person you are spending a lot of time with from various points of view. Not least to know he is a nice person .

Hiddenvoice · 22/02/2023 07:30

Sorry it upsets you op but have you seen her since you started dating your boyfriend? If not then she just wants a weekend with you and that’s not a bad thing.
Leave it this weekend, enjoy your time with her and have a weekend apart from your boyfriend. You can talk to her about your feelings for him but don’t push it with her. I know you think it’s upsetting but if you’ve never introduced anyone to her then she won’t see it as a big deal.
Sorry but 5 months isn’t that long a period and I’d be hesitant about the being so close that you’re practically living together. It’s all fun and new right now but make sure you’re not falling too fast

MrsMontyD · 22/02/2023 07:32

AllOfThemWitches · 21/02/2023 20:56

I think it's a bit self absorbed to expect others to be super interested in fairly new relationships.

I don't think your own mother counts as people in this context.