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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM doesn’t want to meet new partner

122 replies

Kilsy · 21/02/2023 20:39

I have been with my new bf almost 6 months. All going very well.

we are in our 30s, no kids, no history of bad relationships - no reason my family should be wary basically. A few close family members and friends have met him and all really like him.

DM lives a few hours away and is coming for a social visit this weekend. She is recovering from a physical op (fractured leg) so is not 100% but will still come. I have excitedly suggested she meet bf for a casual meeting (I have met his whole family a few times now) and she panicked at the idea, said she wasn’t feeling 100% and doesn’t want to this time basically.

im hurt - she isn’t often in my area and have suggested he comes to me, we meet somewhere local, anything to relieve the pressure basically. We have had some issues where DM basically doesn’t want to hear that much about the relationship and this feels hurtful - like she isn’t interested in meeting someone who is a key part of my life? I can see the relationship getting very serious and don’t really know how to handle her attitude. Aibu?

OP posts:
Enko · 22/02/2023 07:36

WinterMusings · 21/02/2023 21:21

@Kilsy YANBU to be hurt & disappointed. She's showing no interest in someone who is a big part of your life. You were suggesting a cup of tea, not a formal event fgs.

Does she have form for not being interested?

just tell DP, she's acting odd after her broken leg & best to leave it for now. Plan something nice with him when she leaves.

ignire the weird posts!!

This. Is a really good reply op.

Also you do not need to "grow up" because you feel hurt your parent is uninterested in your life. In fact I'd argue being able to acknowledge you are hurt and feel.this shows you actually are grown up.

YANBU.

mum11970 · 22/02/2023 07:39

Some very odd replies on here. I can see why you are disappointed and can’t see why a recently recovered fractured leg should in any way stop your mother meeting you bf for something as simple as a coffee. Gees, even my parent with Alzheimer’s could manage a quick coffee in these circumstances.

Lambchop1 · 22/02/2023 07:40

It’s been 6 months! You need to have fun and calm down about it all. It’s not been a long relationship. Your mum is off her game at the moment and your new relationship is not her priority really , I totally get that.

follyfoot37 · 22/02/2023 07:41

Five months is no time at all.
And don't underestimate how confidence-sapping a fall/ broken limb/illness can be for older folk. Your mum wants to be with you and relax, not to have to be polite and formal meeting your new beau

BritInAus · 22/02/2023 07:42

I'm really surprised by the majority of these responses. 5 months isn't 5 weeks. I think it's really normal you'd want him to meet your mum, and vice versa.

Only on Mumsnet do people need to be with someone 5 years before thinking about a future together, and 10 years before they meet any children from previous relationships.

Might she be jealous of sharing you?

FeinCuroxiVooz · 22/02/2023 07:43

She's visiting you. turning the visit into "opportunity to meet the boyfriend" is an entirely different event. yabu.

I expect she wants to meet him on her home turf, with you and him visiting her at a time when she chooses to issue such an invitation (once she feels well enough)
.

follyfoot37 · 22/02/2023 07:43

Kilsy · 21/02/2023 21:26

Hes the first one I’ve ever introduced her too… some of these posts are really odd.

they are odd only because they are not supporting your narrative

Dillydollydingdong · 22/02/2023 07:50

You're giving it an importance it doesn't have. If it's going to be long term the way you think it will, she'll have to meet him sooner or later - when she's ready to and fit enough to. if it all fizzles out, it won't matter. After only five months who knows what's going to happen?

knittingaddict · 22/02/2023 07:53

Kangarude · 21/02/2023 21:01

Some of the responses do seem harsh but I think you're overthinking it.
I don't really have a great deal of interest in meeting my adult DS's girlfriends to be honest. There has been quite a few over the years! There's no reason, I'm just not overly interested.

😀 I feel the same way. I give my adult children a lot of support, but boyfriends (even one husband) have come and gone over the years. At least one has joined us on a family day out and never been seen again. We've had to grit our teeth through years of a couple of the worst ones. It's not a thrill or an honour anymore. Sorry op.

If it lasts there will be other opportunities to meet. I certainly wouldn't want to be trying to make a good impression if I was ill and needed a bit of quiet family time. If there are sides to be taken then I'm on your mum's side.

Superstorefan123 · 22/02/2023 07:54

I know it’s tough but don’t underestimate the mental strain of surgery - people I know have taken 6+ months to mentally recover from physically being unwell… could this be the case here?

Veryverycalmnow · 22/02/2023 07:55

Respect her boundaries. She will meet him another time

RedHelenB · 22/02/2023 08:00

Yabu. This time she doesn't want to meet him. If it's the real deal there is all the time in the world for her to get to know him.

Emmamoo89 · 22/02/2023 08:00

YANBU X

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 22/02/2023 08:01

I think you're being very unfair.

If my mum was recovering from a broken leg, there's no way I'd let her make the journey to me - I'd be going to visit her, alone, to spend some quality time with her - not trying to force her to have a cup of tea with a boyfriend of five months.

Chickenkeev · 22/02/2023 08:02

Imagine if you force the issue and it goes v badly as she's so stressed etc. You could be ruining their relationship before it has the chance to start. And you'll forever be in the middle. Leave it for now.

Greenfairydust · 22/02/2023 08:05

So you moved in with someone you had known for 5 months? not wise in my books...5 months is very new and it takes longer than that to find out what someone is really like.

Do you have a history of meeting new partners and getting involved too quickly? maybe this is why your mum doesn't want to meet someone again who might not be around for long.

Your mum sounds like she wants to focus on you and has no energy or desire to have to meet new people while she is recovering and not feeling her best. It is understandable.

I would respect her wishes this time and if the relationship does turn out to be the one for the long term then there will be plenty of better opportunities for them to meet.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 22/02/2023 08:07

I find your mother's position odd. I have DSC who are in their early 20s and I love meeting their new boyfriend/girlfriends. I would get her not wanting him their all weekend as would change the experience but pop in for cup of tea seems off.

knittingaddict · 22/02/2023 08:08

Also your mum could be in physical pain at the moment. Breaking a bone when you are older is no walk in the park. I broke my wrist a couple of years ago and it's still uncomfortable now. The 6 weeks in a cast were very bad indeed and I had limited head space for much else.

Surgery for a break sounds like it wasn't straightforward either. How long ago was it? Is she still in a cast?

Greenfairydust · 22/02/2023 08:10

''@BritInAus · Today 07:42
I'm really surprised by the majority of these responses. 5 months isn't 5 weeks. I think it's really normal you'd want him to meet your mum, and vice versa.''

Because most of us have had a fair amount of dating/relationship experience and we know that people often don't show their real face/personality for quite a while.

Especially if you have any experience of online dating where people will actively date multiple partners n the first few weeks and most relationship will crash after a few months.

5 months is nothing in the dating world and I actually find it surprising that they already living together already.

HoppingPavlova · 22/02/2023 08:15

I have adult kids and no way I’d be enthused about meeting someone they had known for 5 months. If they are still together after 12months I’d put in the effort as it may go somewhere, before that, nope. Also, I’d pretty much want an engagement and date set in stone and in the immediate future before meeting their partners family. Just don’t have the time for people who may fade out of existence in our lives.

MySugarBabyLove · 22/02/2023 08:22

If a woman posted here that her bf of several months, whose family she had all met and got on with, mother refused to meet her people would say that she should run for the hills because it was unlikely things would improve. That the mother was clearly jealous of her and that she was going to be the MIL from hell.

OpP I wouldn’t give her the choice. I would explain to your bf that your mum is difficult, but I would invite him round for a cup of tea regardless. If she is off with him then that’s on her. She’s a grown woman ffs.

This isn’t like introducing a new partner to the kids too soon, and if the OP is serious about this man then her mother needs to realise that if she’s going to start inventing unnecessary boundaries which exclude him then she is likely going to be the one whose relationship with the OP suffers as a result.

anythinginapinch · 22/02/2023 08:27

Mother may have stuff she wants to say to OP - have they seen each other since mums op? Does mum live alone? Maybe mum wants to share her own news, or talk about catheters, or just feel connected and loved for a day or two. Who knows? Maybe OP has talked about boyfriend on and on every call and Dm has heard something she wants to raise or explore with OP about the man in question. Who knows? But OP is being selfish imo. Give your mum a few days of your time ffs it won't kill you.

Astrabees · 22/02/2023 08:29

Well on Mumsnet the attitude is that any new boyfriend should be kept in a holding pen undergoing std and criminal record checks for at least a year. In the real world there are plenty of us who have married in haste and had long and happy marriages. I do think your mother is being unkind, this man is clearly making you very happy and it is odd not to be interested. My parents were a bit shy and introverted but were very keen to meet DH 2months after I met him, and I always enjoy meeting my sons girlfriends. It doesn’t matter if they split up because you always gain from meeting someone new and find some shared interests. Please don’t be hurt by the unpleasant comments, it is your mother who needs to develop a more mature attitude.

MySugarBabyLove · 22/02/2023 08:35

It’s odd not to be interested. In your adult children’s lives.

And we’re talking about a cup of tea. Or are we to believe that a grown woman is too sensitive to be expected to sit through a cup of tea with someone her DD has a relationship with.

This site is weird. Introducing the bf to the kids too soon is wrong, introducing the bf to the parents too soon is wrong, but if the bf doesn’t want to introduce you to the parents or the kids yet then that’s wrong as well.

And yet all of those can be red flags for the potential to end up in an abusive relationship, because it opens the door for someone to become isolated.

AllOfThemWitches · 22/02/2023 08:46

MrsMontyD · 22/02/2023 07:32

I don't think your own mother counts as people in this context.

Show quote history

It's a 5 month relationship. I don't blame her mum.