Page 6 | SIL opened and in charge of a savings account for DD but we already have one for her…

Gem123J · 2023-02-20T16:59:59+00:00

This actually happened a few years ago but we brushed it aside and forgot about it, and it’s been brought up recently by SIL. So a few years back one Christmas SIL gifted our DD a piggy bank and details of a savings account with a building society and fair play had put £50 in it too. Lovely. MIL said something along the lines of SIL wanted to make sure our DD would have some money when she’s older so opened this account for us. Only issue is that of course we were thinking the same for DD and opened one pretty soon after her birth to put all the money she received in after she was born (and for every birthday’s and Christmas going forward). DH and I decided we would carry on with our savings for her (as it was easy to deposit as it was the same bank, could tranfer money from an app on our phones etc as sometimes my parents send the money to my bank and I transfer). But the BS (building society not the other BS!) one SIL opened you had to go into the branch. And to be honest we weren’t too comfortable putting all of DD’s money into an account that we would have to have SIL with us to withdraw money until DD is 16 (although we have no intentions of taking her money out, unless it’s to put it in a better account). Anyway, we completely forgot about this account as we carried on putting money in the one we’ve opened for her and we said SIL could continue to put birthday/Christmas money in the account she’s opened but SIL puts cash in cards and we just deposit it along with the rest of the cash DD receives. It was brought up recently to DH about why we weren’t putting money in that account and DH said something about how difficult it would be with having SIL having to be present to which she has said that she only has to be there to withdraw, not to deposit. AIBU to be a bit p’d off that DH and I weren’t expected to be sensible an open a savings account for our own DC and that SIL effectively has control over a savings account for her?

JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 20:43

@MarshaMelrose "Oh. OK. I guess maybe I'm more family orientated than you.
If my sister had opened a savings account for my child, I'd do what I could to facilitate saving in that account. It would make my sister, who had good intentions, happy, it would be nice for my child to see the account grow, and seeing both those two things would make me happy.
I wrap presents for my husband and other people when asked. I don't love it but I am good at it 😇 and they look brilliant when they're done. And I wrap for my mum because she has started with dementia and struggles.
I run my mum around because she can't drive anymore. People dont ask for lifts often but if they do, I'm happy to help out. That's not just family but friends as well.
But I guess if you're not accustomed to doing things for other people, putting money in account twice a year would seem like you're wasting your life. 🙄"

?? This has nothing to do with being 'family orientated' or being 'accustomed to doing things for other people'...I often do things for other people....its more a case of the imposition. I tend not to like to do things for people who impose stuff on me....which SIL has done unwittingly. She overstepped boundaries with her additional bank account but I'd probably let that one go...but her lack of forethought and planning won't be warrantng additional work from me. If SIL wants the money to go into 'her' account, she can just as easily get to the BS as OH can.

supermum85 · 08/03/2023 20:48

My BIL opened an account for my son. I went to pay in something and they wouldn't tell me the balance because I didn't open the account and wasn't a guardian! I kicked off and they then found out he had ticked a box saying he was my sons guardian in order to open the account. And they didn't check. Caused a boat load of admin to change to my name but they then admitted they shouldn't have opened an account with him listed as guardian anyway as he wasn't.

MarshaMelrose · 08/03/2023 21:08

RosaBonheur · 08/03/2023 20:22

Why can the SIL not put money in the account twice a year herself rather than create an extra chore for the OP which doesn't benefit anyone?

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Because it's as a present. When they open the card, they get money to handle and it feels like something real. Just being told it's being deposited doesn't have the same feeling really.

MarshaMelrose · 08/03/2023 21:20

@JudgeRudy We just have a different take on family and what we'd do for them, that's all. I don't see a close relative setting up a savings account and giving money as overstepping the mark. The op asked for my opinion and I gave it.

I'd take my daughter to the bs and get her to pay her money in, check amounts, etc. I wouldn't think of my sister thinking of my daughter's future as an imposition. I'd be very grateful. I'd never think of having a go at her about that and then do her the huge favour of letting it go. 🙄

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/03/2023 21:29

It’s weird that she expects you to contribute to the account she opened.

I had accounts for my niece and nephew when they were young, but only I put money in them. That was the gift. No expectation that their parent would add to it.

MarshaMelrose · 08/03/2023 21:49

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/03/2023 21:29

It’s weird that she expects you to contribute to the account she opened.

I had accounts for my niece and nephew when they were young, but only I put money in them. That was the gift. No expectation that their parent would add to it.

I think the sil thought they'd just put the money she'd sent in her card, not all the money they'd received, into the account she'd set up.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 08/03/2023 22:23

MarshaMelrose · 08/03/2023 21:08

Because it's as a present. When they open the card, they get money to handle and it feels like something real. Just being told it's being deposited doesn't have the same feeling really.

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If you give the child cash in a card aren’t they going to want to buy things with it? I’m not sure I’d get much of a good feeling as child if someone gave me cash to go deposit. How’s that a good feeling for a child as opposed to the SIL just depositing the money?

VestaTilley · 08/03/2023 22:32

Just keep saving in your account for DD. It’s a very kind thing for your SIL to do, but she should not have control of money that you’ve given your DC- do not combine your pot with hers. Keep planning for your DC’s future as you intended to, and if SIL gives money to your DC in future then that’s an added bonus.

MarshaMelrose · 08/03/2023 22:35

@ThomasinaLivesHere Well, according to the op, the child receives cash from other people, too, in her cards which is then put in the account her parents opened for her so she's used to not spending all her money. I think that's a good life lesson. You can spend a bit and try and save the rest. Or do you think the child is depressed at her parents putting her money away for her?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 09/03/2023 07:14

@MarshaMelrose You said it’s a good feeling to get cash and deposit the money yourself rather than to be told money has been deposited for you and I was disagreeing and don’t think a child will get any pleasure from that. It wasn’t anything to do with savings vs not savings or life lessons.

RosaBonheur · 09/03/2023 07:29

MarshaMelrose · 08/03/2023 21:08

Because it's as a present. When they open the card, they get money to handle and it feels like something real. Just being told it's being deposited doesn't have the same feeling really.

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They still get to handle the money if it is paid into their main bank account though. And they also get to spend it, which is the point of money.

The whole idea of sending cash so they can see and handle it but demanding that the parents take time out of their day to visit a different building society to pay the money into a different account that only the person who sent the money can access is SO self indulgent. It makes the gift all about the giver, not the recipient.

MarshaMelrose · 09/03/2023 07:40

@ThomasinaLivesHere No, I got what you were saying. That if a child gets cash, they want to spend it on fun things. And if they just put the cash straight into a bank account, that's not much of a present.
In your opinion, there's no difference to a child whether they get cash in their hand or if it's put directly in the bank account.
I disagree, because getting cash means that you can spend some on yourself and put some away.
But at the end if the day, theres no meeting of minds between us so 🤷
I'd still make sure I paid my sisters gift into my sisters account.

MarshaMelrose · 09/03/2023 07:47

RosaBonheur · 09/03/2023 07:29

They still get to handle the money if it is paid into their main bank account though. And they also get to spend it, which is the point of money.

The whole idea of sending cash so they can see and handle it but demanding that the parents take time out of their day to visit a different building society to pay the money into a different account that only the person who sent the money can access is SO self indulgent. It makes the gift all about the giver, not the recipient.

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The way I look at it is this. She's only going to get gifts twice a year. It really doesn't take long to deposit money. However, it might be the branch is a dusrance away. So I would take my daughter out for the day, see if she'd like buy something with some if the cash, have lunch, and then get her to deposit the rest in my sister's account.

My mind is fixed on this. It won't change. I would do that for my daughter and my sister. I wouldn't consider it a trial, the two times taking a lot of time out of my year. I wouldn't think my sister is self-indulgent. I'd think she was kind. I'd be grateful to get the money and give my daughter pleasure and make my sister happy.

RosaBonheur · 09/03/2023 08:00

MarshaMelrose · 09/03/2023 07:47

The way I look at it is this. She's only going to get gifts twice a year. It really doesn't take long to deposit money. However, it might be the branch is a dusrance away. So I would take my daughter out for the day, see if she'd like buy something with some if the cash, have lunch, and then get her to deposit the rest in my sister's account.

My mind is fixed on this. It won't change. I would do that for my daughter and my sister. I wouldn't consider it a trial, the two times taking a lot of time out of my year. I wouldn't think my sister is self-indulgent. I'd think she was kind. I'd be grateful to get the money and give my daughter pleasure and make my sister happy.

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It doesn't matter whether it's twice a year or twice a week. You don't get to spend other people's time and money for them.

If you giving a child money as a gift comes with strings attached (you expecting the parents to make a special trip to pay it into an account of your choosing, and the child not to be able to access it until such time as you accompany them to the branch and approve the withdrawal, presumably so they can spend it on something you agree to), it's not a gift.

If you send someone cash in an envelope, frankly they are entitled to spend it on sweets if they want to. As soon as you put the envelope in the post box, it is no longer any of your business.

If you don't want the child to spend the money on sweets and you want it to be saved in a bank account that only you have access to, you pay it in yourself!

Forcing a child to handle money that you don't intend to let them spend without your supervision is actually quite cruel, and really controlling. It's certainly not a gift.

If I were the OP I would actively encourage my child to spend the cash on whatever they wanted.

MarshaMelrose · 09/03/2023 08:13

RosaBonheur · 09/03/2023 08:00

It doesn't matter whether it's twice a year or twice a week. You don't get to spend other people's time and money for them.

If you giving a child money as a gift comes with strings attached (you expecting the parents to make a special trip to pay it into an account of your choosing, and the child not to be able to access it until such time as you accompany them to the branch and approve the withdrawal, presumably so they can spend it on something you agree to), it's not a gift.

If you send someone cash in an envelope, frankly they are entitled to spend it on sweets if they want to. As soon as you put the envelope in the post box, it is no longer any of your business.

If you don't want the child to spend the money on sweets and you want it to be saved in a bank account that only you have access to, you pay it in yourself!

Forcing a child to handle money that you don't intend to let them spend without your supervision is actually quite cruel, and really controlling. It's certainly not a gift.

If I were the OP I would actively encourage my child to spend the cash on whatever they wanted.

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OK. But the child does actually receive a few gifts of cash. The op is already depositing that money. Why do you think that all the sister's gift should be spent on sweets and all the other monies should be deposited?

CleaningOutMyCloset · 09/03/2023 08:14

How odd, why would you NOT have opened an account for your dd, a lot of parents do this

As for SIL, why not suggest she pays birthday money into her account going forward, it'll be a nice surprise for your dd when she's 16 to get a little lump sum off her auntie. If there's tension around it, why not work out how much sil has given in the past and give it back to sil to put in her account she has for dd?

RosaBonheur · 09/03/2023 08:15

Because it is easier to spend the sister's cash and deposit the other money in an account that they don't have to trek to a specific branch to deposit, and can withdraw whenever they want, without the sister present, to spend on whatever the child wants.

MarshaMelrose · 09/03/2023 08:31

RosaBonheur · 09/03/2023 08:15

Because it is easier to spend the sister's cash and deposit the other money in an account that they don't have to trek to a specific branch to deposit, and can withdraw whenever they want, without the sister present, to spend on whatever the child wants.

And that comes back to my original post. Because I love my sister, I wouldn't do that to her. But I accept, we all have different feelings about family and how we interact with them.
You'd risk disappointing and hurting your sister's feelings by spending the money she'd gifted and saving everybody else's. I wouldnt. We're just different.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/03/2023 08:45

MarshaMelrose · 09/03/2023 08:31

And that comes back to my original post. Because I love my sister, I wouldn't do that to her. But I accept, we all have different feelings about family and how we interact with them.
You'd risk disappointing and hurting your sister's feelings by spending the money she'd gifted and saving everybody else's. I wouldnt. We're just different.

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Well done @MarshaMelrose - you win the best family member award.

well done you.

MarshaMelrose · 09/03/2023 09:04

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/03/2023 08:45

Well done @MarshaMelrose - you win the best family member award.

well done you.

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Aw, thank you. I hoped I wasn't coming across like that but, even so, it's nice of you to say so. 🤗 To be fair, my family are all very nice too. I'll pass on your kind words.

Justmeandthedog1 · 09/03/2023 09:10

Well SIL just needs to put money into the account she controls. Daft sending money in a card then expecting it to be put into “her” account, once it’s gifted it’s the recipients choice. Some people just like to make a drama out of the simplest things.

shard5 · 09/03/2023 09:32

Doesn't anyone think it off there's been no communication between op and the sil about this account?
Wouldn't you at least call and thank her for opening it but also let her know that dd already has one from birth?
Hasn't she given you any paperwork relating to this account?
Did you receive any correspondence from the BS when interest rates went up recently?

RosaBonheur · 09/03/2023 09:41

MarshaMelrose · 09/03/2023 08:31

And that comes back to my original post. Because I love my sister, I wouldn't do that to her. But I accept, we all have different feelings about family and how we interact with them.
You'd risk disappointing and hurting your sister's feelings by spending the money she'd gifted and saving everybody else's. I wouldnt. We're just different.

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Because I love my brother, I don't invent pointless and time consuming chores for him to do and emotionally blackmail him into performing them. And when I give him gifts, I do so with consideration for what he wants, not what I want.

If you think emotional blackmail and making present giving all about you are normal behaviour, I'd be interested to hear your sister's opinion about whether you would actually win the world's best sister award according to anyone but yourself.

I suspect the reason you are defending the SIL's barmy behaviour is because you do similar things.

MarshaMelrose · 09/03/2023 11:50

RosaBonheur · 09/03/2023 09:41

Because I love my brother, I don't invent pointless and time consuming chores for him to do and emotionally blackmail him into performing them. And when I give him gifts, I do so with consideration for what he wants, not what I want.

If you think emotional blackmail and making present giving all about you are normal behaviour, I'd be interested to hear your sister's opinion about whether you would actually win the world's best sister award according to anyone but yourself.

I suspect the reason you are defending the SIL's barmy behaviour is because you do similar things.

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Yeah. OK. Whatever. 🙄