Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL opened and in charge of a savings account for DD but we already have one for her…

149 replies

Gem123J · 20/02/2023 16:59

This actually happened a few years ago but we brushed it aside and forgot about it, and it’s been brought up recently by SIL.

So a few years back one Christmas SIL gifted our DD a piggy bank and details of a savings account with a building society and fair play had put £50 in it too. Lovely. MIL said something along the lines of SIL wanted to make sure our DD would have some money when she’s older so opened this account for us. Only issue is that of course we were thinking the same for DD and opened one pretty soon after her birth to put all the money she received in after she was born (and for every birthday’s and Christmas going forward). DH and I decided we would carry on with our savings for her (as it was easy to deposit as it was the same bank, could tranfer money from an app on our phones etc as sometimes my parents send the money to my bank and I transfer). But the BS (building society not the other BS!) one SIL opened you had to go into the branch. And to be honest we weren’t too comfortable putting all of DD’s money into an account that we would have to have SIL with us to withdraw money until DD is 16 (although we have no intentions of taking her money out, unless it’s to put it in a better account).

Anyway, we completely forgot about this account as we carried on putting money in the one we’ve opened for her and we said SIL could continue to put birthday/Christmas money in the account she’s opened but SIL puts cash in cards and we just deposit it along with the rest of the cash DD receives.

It was brought up recently to DH about why we weren’t putting money in that account and DH said something about how difficult it would be with having SIL having to be present to which she has said that she only has to be there to withdraw, not to deposit.
AIBU to be a bit p’d off that DH and I weren’t expected to be sensible an open a savings account for our own DC and that SIL effectively has control over a savings account for her?

OP posts:
ComfortablyDazed · 20/02/2023 17:27

Just stand firm that DD already has a bank account that you’d set up for her at birth and which is easy for you to administer, but SIL (and other family members on DH’s side) are more than welcome to put money into her account. Thank you, that’s very generous, etc, etc.

Just keeping saying that, as infinitum.

YA of course NBU.

Beachhutnut · 20/02/2023 17:31

I am shocked she was able to open an account for your DD when she's not the parent. I absolutely wouldn't be putting any money in it. It's completely open to abuse. If she wants to save up for DD in her account fine but I would ask her to remove dad's name from it or your DD could be manipulated into putting money into an account her aunt has control over when she is older. It would be a hard pass from me.

GiltEdges · 20/02/2023 17:35

RagamuffinCat · 20/02/2023 17:06

Is the account in your daughter's name? I'm surprised you can open an account for someone who isn't your own child, don't you need the birth certificate?

You can't. Not legitimately. You need to have parental responsibility, although a self declaration may be accepted.

Chickenly · 20/02/2023 17:37

Is it a bank account or an ISA? Technically, only a legal guardian is actually permitted to open a junior ISA account. Frankly, I blame mumsnet though for continuing to advertise that grandparents should open them for their grandchildren...

Original poster
Gem123J · 20/02/2023 17:40

teezletangler · 20/02/2023 17:08

Clearly her heart's in the right place but it's a little weird to open a savings account without checking that the parents haven't already opened one.

Also, am I to understand that she has never added more than £50 to it? So the "gift" was essentially the opening of an account, which she sort of has control over? That's not actually a gift, is it? Given she's opened it, I'd assume she'd be adding to over the years.

Does DSIL know that you already have an account for DD?

No so she hasn’t added any more to the account, although she does gift money on birthday’s and Christmas, but we obviously deposit it into the account we’ve opened for DD because it’s easier that way. We would have to go into the branch to deposit and for £20, which she gifts each time, we just find it easier depositing it along with the rest of the cash into the account we’re responsible.

To answer other posts, we have no issue with her depositing the money she gifts herself into the account she’s opened, but she obviously doesn’t. But we don’t think we should be depositing all of the money she receives into that account.

OP posts:
aloris · 20/02/2023 17:41

I think it is very strange that she wants you to put your child's money into an account over which she has control. I would not do that personally. It's your child, you should be the one with control of the account. When your child reaches adulthood, your child should have control of the account.

If I received criticism about this from my in-laws, I just would ignore it. The more criticism I received, the more confident I would be that keeping my child's money out of the control of other people was the right thing to do. I would make no pretense of putting money in, nor put even a token amount in just to keep the peace. It would just be a hard "Thanks, but no." If they desire to put money in to your SIL's account themselves, nothing is stopping them from doing so.

It's ok for you to set a boundary here and stick to it.

Original poster
Gem123J · 20/02/2023 17:42

Cocolapew · 20/02/2023 17:10

SIL expects you to put your money in the account that she has control over, is that right?

Sounds like it from recent comments that’s reminded us of the account!

Probably not exactly that, but more of why we weren’t using it. DH said that he was under the impression that she had to be present to
deposit the money (although to be honest we forgot about it because we use the account we’re responsible for).

OP posts:
PositiveLife · 20/02/2023 17:42

Is it definitely in your daughter's name? When IL's did this for ours, we had to jump through hoops to let them open it (it was annoying because we had opened accounts but they wanted to open a different one).

FingerPuppet · 20/02/2023 17:42

AIBU to be a bit p’d off that DH and I weren’t expected to be sensible an open a savings account for our own DC and that SIL effectively has control over a savings account for her?

No, you’re are not unreasonable to be pissed off.

It’s one thing to open a savings account for a child that isn’t yours, but it’s quite another to have the audacity to assume that that account will be THE savings account that the child’s parents will be paying into.

Luckily, your SIL will only have control over whatever savings she decides to put aside for your daughter because you and your husband should never put a penny into that account. Your DH needs to explain to his sister that it is not her place to open a savings account on his and your behalf, but that she is welcome to save for her DN if she likes.

Do your in-laws have a habit of overstepping in other areas of your life?

Ihatethenewlook · 20/02/2023 17:46

ImAvingOops · 20/02/2023 17:26

My fil opened an account for DS but when he was skint he spent the money. I know he intended to put it back but then he died. Which is why parents should be in control of the accounts opened for their children. You never know how the future will pan out, families fall out - your child's money should be where the child can access it when the time comes!

The issue here seems to be that the in-laws think their family (via sil) should have control over the money you want to put aside for your child. And I'm saying you want your own it's like implying you don't trust sil?
Just say you want to be able to access the money you are saving without needing a third party present. It's really nothing to do with them - nothing to stop them adding to sil's account if they feel strongly about it.

I was going to mention this. Can she withdraw the money whenever she wants? A relative of my sisters partner opened accounts for my sisters two kids, there was about 4k between the two of them that she’d put in that they ended up withdrawing and stealing. She never got the money back.

Original poster
Gem123J · 20/02/2023 17:47

Chickenly · 20/02/2023 17:37

Is it a bank account or an ISA? Technically, only a legal guardian is actually permitted to open a junior ISA account. Frankly, I blame mumsnet though for continuing to advertise that grandparents should open them for their grandchildren...

It’s with a building society so I’m not entirely sure.

DH must have given her DD’s birth certificate with or without knowledge of what it was being used for I don’t know. He is the type he wouldn’t question his family anything whatever they asked him! Because I don’t understand why he wouldn’t of just said we’ve already got an account for her.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 17:48

But we don’t think we should be depositing all of the money she receives into that account.

Of course you shouldn't and if she says you should, immediately set her straight that this will not be happening. She can put her money into that account.

35965a · 20/02/2023 17:49

It’s a bit shady that she expects you to be putting money into this account that she has control over. I’d be honest and say you have an account for her, you won’t be using the account SIL set up.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 17:50

DH must have given her DD’s birth certificate with or without knowledge of what it was being used for I don’t know. He is the type he wouldn’t question his family anything whatever they asked him!

You haven't asked him if he did this? I would be very, very displeased if my husband handed over our childs bc to anyone, family included.

Original poster
Gem123J · 20/02/2023 17:50

strawberry2017 · 20/02/2023 17:19

I'm confused, what's the actual issue?

That we were assumed to not be responsible enough to have a savings account for our own DD. And that we don’t feel comfortable to put money into a savings account that we aren’t responsible for ourselves and that if she wants the money she’s gifting to the account she should do that herself as we find it a lot of hassle to go into one branch to put money in to the account we’ve opened, and then to another branch to put £20 in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gem123J · 20/02/2023 17:51

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 17:50

DH must have given her DD’s birth certificate with or without knowledge of what it was being used for I don’t know. He is the type he wouldn’t question his family anything whatever they asked him!

You haven't asked him if he did this? I would be very, very displeased if my husband handed over our childs bc to anyone, family included.

He doesn’t remember! He’s that type that doesn’t remember what I’ve asked 5 minutes ago let alone years ago!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 17:52

Gem123J · 20/02/2023 17:51

He doesn’t remember! He’s that type that doesn’t remember what I’ve asked 5 minutes ago let alone years ago!

Show quote history

Come on, now... Of course he remembers.

Newyearnewmeow · 20/02/2023 17:54

She’s crackers if she thinks you are going to treck to the building society every time she gifts money. I would be asking her why she doesn’t do that herself.
You have done nothing wrong.

Collaborate · 20/02/2023 17:59

It's perfectly acceptable for you to say that you want to manage your own daughter's money yourselves. If she takes the hump at that then you can safely give her a wide berth but she'd have to be bonkers to get upset at that.

Original poster
Gem123J · 20/02/2023 18:00

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2023 17:52

Come on, now... Of course he remembers.

Show quote history

I would hope so! He doesn’t like to ever go against his family, even when he basically isn’t! It’s ridiculous really!

OP posts:
User4873628 · 20/02/2023 18:00

Sil we don't want to use your account for dd because that would mean we wouldn't have any control over her money. So we use the one we've opened for her.

If that doesn't stop her just say

Look it's weird that you have opened a bank account for our kid and expect us to use it. Sorry but it's just weird.

Hawkins003 · 20/02/2023 18:01

Gem123J · 20/02/2023 16:59

This actually happened a few years ago but we brushed it aside and forgot about it, and it’s been brought up recently by SIL.

So a few years back one Christmas SIL gifted our DD a piggy bank and details of a savings account with a building society and fair play had put £50 in it too. Lovely. MIL said something along the lines of SIL wanted to make sure our DD would have some money when she’s older so opened this account for us. Only issue is that of course we were thinking the same for DD and opened one pretty soon after her birth to put all the money she received in after she was born (and for every birthday’s and Christmas going forward). DH and I decided we would carry on with our savings for her (as it was easy to deposit as it was the same bank, could tranfer money from an app on our phones etc as sometimes my parents send the money to my bank and I transfer). But the BS (building society not the other BS!) one SIL opened you had to go into the branch. And to be honest we weren’t too comfortable putting all of DD’s money into an account that we would have to have SIL with us to withdraw money until DD is 16 (although we have no intentions of taking her money out, unless it’s to put it in a better account).

Anyway, we completely forgot about this account as we carried on putting money in the one we’ve opened for her and we said SIL could continue to put birthday/Christmas money in the account she’s opened but SIL puts cash in cards and we just deposit it along with the rest of the cash DD receives.

It was brought up recently to DH about why we weren’t putting money in that account and DH said something about how difficult it would be with having SIL having to be present to which she has said that she only has to be there to withdraw, not to deposit.
AIBU to be a bit p’d off that DH and I weren’t expected to be sensible an open a savings account for our own DC and that SIL effectively has control over a savings account for her?

Not saying she would, but if it went pickles the sil could run off with the capital

MeridianB · 20/02/2023 18:04

So DD has two accounts which is great. No need to justify your account or why you don’t use the other one.

If SIL felt so strongly then I’m sure she would pay her money gifts into the account she set up.

2bazookas · 20/02/2023 18:05

???? its fine for there to be 2 accounts for dd

ComfortablyDazed · 20/02/2023 18:05

Gem123J · 20/02/2023 17:51

He doesn’t remember! He’s that type that doesn’t remember what I’ve asked 5 minutes ago let alone years ago!

Show quote history

You are making your DH sound like a complete dunderhead.

This is a non-issue.

You have a bank account set up for your DD, and that’s that. If SIL is so hot on money going into the one she set up, she can put money in it.

If she doesn’t want to put money in it, then why would you…..?

Swipe left for the next trending thread