To feel so resentful of having no evening

[Bedtooearly]

My DS (2) wakes at 5. I’m not necessarily looking for advice on this because believe me I have tried … and for a while myriad of reasons it is me who gets up with him, a couple of times a week I get to go back to bed for an hour or so but I’m always awake by then anyway.

I have to be asleep by nine which means in bed by 830, and it’s really shit. Even so I’m knackered all the time, there does seem a difference in going to bed at 10 and up at 630 and going to bed at 9 and up at 5, I once briefly had to do this because of trains and I was always knackered then as well. I regularly get a headache, have cracks in my lips that won’t heal, spots and grey, tired skin.

I know kids wake early but AIBU to be really fed up with it?

It is shit. I think the worst part is as you say, you entertain them for hours but it’s still only 9am 😭. The days are so LONG with a shit sleeper. And zero time for you to be awake but quiet and alone - no chance I’m doing quiet contemplation or reading a book if I could be sleeping.

5am sucks – I could cope with DD’s hourly wake ups when she stayed down (up and down) til 7, but when she introduced early rising she nearly broke me.

Fresh air, hot showers and strong coffee all help but the only true cure is sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Are you compensating for lack of sleep with too much coffee and sugar? I looked dead for a while doing similar.

Mine is currently trying to crawl in her next to me with cocomelon on -- I always said no screen time, but I have zero energy so screw it.

One of the problems is not being able to eg quietly read a book, or sit quietly with a coffee and watch tv once you are up due to amusing a two year old.
Can you line up a good audiobook with earphones or interesting podcast so the time isn't just 'wasted' - you are listening to a great book or similar with the time. Sunnier day s and more time outside should help with getting them to sleep longer so not too long to wait.

I'm in exactly the same situation OP Mine is 3. This morning he was demanding I play a board game with him.

I also feel ill all the time from it.

I hope he grows out of it quicker then mine

Yep. It’s rubbish. My DD was an early riser. I just used to give her breakfast, let her watch telly while I snoozed on sofa. She is now a teenager and barely rises before noon. Gets easier I promise

Hmm. We tried this. In ended in absolute hysteria. It works for anything before 5 but I think you can tell what time is their natural wake up time. His response was very different and very very distressed.

Mine eats breakfast soon after waking so I think he's simply had enough sleep and is hungry. It may change over time.

My kids are older now adults and teenagers but My youngest was the same around 4 years old. he woke at 4am on the dot every day for about a year. I don’t need much sleep as my eldest is autistic and has never slept a full night since he was born. The eldest would finally fall asleep around 2am and the youngest would then wake up at 4am. I was like a walking zombie. In the end we put a TV in his room and managed another couple of hours. Not ideal but needs must. These days the teenagers are hard to get out of bed at all but the eldest still stays up most of the night !

I remember it well. And no cbeebies until 6. Tried everything, but dd was always an early riser.we used to take it in turns at the weekend, but the other parent was usually then up by 8. By 10am, it felt like lunch time! Used to get loads done though.

The good news is that in a couple of years, dc get to go downstairs and watch TV etc by themselves. Lie ins become 7, 8, 10.Then they're early teens and you're the only one up early.

But you don't get your evening, because they suddenly get interested in the programmes you want to watch!

YANBU.

This was and is still my life. My DC is now 6. It was a huge factor in ruining my marriage actually. Sounds dramatic but I started to go to bed completely exhausted at around 8 pm. My DC also woke through the night until age 2+

Meanwhile my husband continued to have the life of a young adult going to bed at 11/11.30 and rising at 7.30am, or pretty much whenever he liked. Bred so much resentment, especially as he'd never get up at 5 through the baby/toddler years to allow me another hours sleep. Something I heard a lot of husbands did willingly.

We never had an evening together or any adult time. No longer chatted in bed. Completely lost the connection we had and now we just exist in the same house together and won't ever get that back.

I agree with you OP. For me, it takes me longer to go to sleep earlier in the day so even though I might be in bed 9-5, I'm not sleeping 9-5 but if I'm in bed 10-6 I'll probably drop to sleep as soon as my head touches the pillow.

I had this argument with my son's father when he was a baby, and he couldn't understand the logic. He thought I'd just get as much sleep, or more, if I went to bed earlier. But the truth is once I'm asleep I need to be asleep later.

Also women need 8-10 hours of sleep. Men need 7-8 hours of sleep a night.

If you're routinely only getting the bare minimum you're not going to be well rested.

@FatSealSmugSoup

”He’ll become more self-sufficient and you’ll choose to have another.”

she might not!

Is he still napping? My eldest used to be a really early waker at age 2 but was still having a lunch time nap but couldn't cope without it. Once he got to 3 and dropped the nap he did sleep longer at night.

And I hear you - any time before 6 is just awful for me.

Like you we tried everything you can think of - later bedtime, earlier bedtime, blackout material stuck to the window, adjusting naps, nudging him at 4am to ‘start a new sleep cycle’, talking to him through the door etc but the one thing that worked eventually was a gro clock - but it’s not a quick fix, we moved it forward 5 mins every few days. Now he’s 3 and has dropped his day naps he wakes a much more decent time of say 6:40 or something. Good luck!

If you can get through until March, with the clock change you might be able to reset his body clock to wake at 6am instead of 5am.

When mine were little and got up early, I'd use the March clock change to get that later start the following morning.

I can understand why you feel so resentful, it's shit.

Do you actually have to go to bed that early though? You're getting over eight hours sleep. I personally would stay up an extra 45 mins/hour just to get a bit of me time.

Sleep is important and I totally get the need to grab it when you can but I think sometimes people make it a bit of a mania to go to bed really early with small kids. As long as you are getting 7-8 hours you're actually doing OK and you may benefit more from a bit o down time as opposed to more sleep.

Does he still have a sleep during the day? Does he have a walk in the fresh air? From about 18 months if my son hadn't been out for a walk he would be up all night. He's still the same now at 19. But it's his carer's up with him as he lives in sheltered housing.

I did expect to be tired when I had a child. I didn’t expect to be up this early every day. I thought I’d get early starts but around 6-7, not 4-5.

^ were you the first to have kids amongst friends? Your experience is pretty typical.

It is hard but I also think maybe you've got some underlying health issues as a PP suggested.

What time is DS going to bed?

And, do you have proper black out curtains?

Sorry if I'm stating the obvious but have you tried pushing his bedtime back?

You have my sympathy, had my first been a better sleeper I would have had more than 2 children. Fortunately my second was 100% a better sleeper, but I still remember the early mornings (25 years ago) putting Thomas the tank engine videos on, cup of tea and toast between us and me dozing in chair.

My DD used to be like this. She's 7 now and loves her sleep and will often sleep past 10 on a weekend. I have a dog who now likes to wake me up at 5am now. I wish I could sleep til late morning like I used to many years ago, as like you, I'm exhausted by the evening, but its never going to happen. Be kind to yourself, take vitamins, eat well, drink plenty of water. Fingers crossed the early mornings don't last too long for you.

Have you tried getting DS and bringing him into bed with you, I used to do this with my DS and he would go straight back to sleep again.

My eldest was like this. It did get a bit better once she dropped her nap but at nearly 8 she’s still up by 6 most days.

However the game changer is that she’s now safe to be in the house unsupervised so we just have a rule that she can’t wake me before 6.30 (I’m planning on pushing this to 7 over the summer!) She usually reads, feeds the cat or gets her breakfast.

He’ll get there eventually!

It’s really shit! I can be like that OP. Early evening sleep (even when I can force myself to get it) does rejuvenate me in the same way as morning sleep does. It just doesn’t, whatever people say.

That's just life isnt it? You go to bed early to get the zzzzs in before dawn breaks

It can't be that bad if you're already having another 🤷‍♀️

Maybe you have already spoken to a sleep consultant, but if not then it is worth a try. An hour phone call with ours fixed our issues almost over night. It was a few simple changes, but when you're in the thick of it it's so hard to see clearly a way forward.