to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

Sending sympathy @backoftheplane , that’s a horrible situation. For me reading your opening post, it strikes me your concern is what is right by your partner and what is the morally right thing to do is. You really need to focus on what you want and what you can tolerate going forward. If you are simply going to resent him, then that’s not fair or right for either of you.

In this case I think you need to have a very frank conversation and say it is a deal breaker for you if he doesn’t explore the options available. If he just isn’t engaging he is showing a real lack of concern for your feelings and wants.

Difficult stuff like this in life I think it’s best to approach like a project, get him to agree to engage and lay out all the options on the table, Including the ones you’ve already discounted and what needs to happen. That way you can know you have both fully explored everything before making decisions. If he’s not willing to engage with that then you need to make a decision.

The lack of engagement would be a relationship killer for me. Plus it was fine when you bore the burden for contraception (Pill, coil etc) and/or were going to carry the baby with all the potential risks, challenges for 9 months followed by a likely painful delivery, but one small operation and he is out of ttc!

In your situation I really wouldn’t consider egg freezing. It’s expensive, invasive and the changes of a successful pregnancy at your age will be low, particularly if there are also fertility issues on the male side. You’d have a much better success rate with frozen embryos, but you’ve said you don’t want to consider donor sperm.

I think you need to talk to your partner honestly and without judgement, and find out what the real issue is. Is it that he doesn’t want a baby enough to go through the stress of infertility treatment, is he struggling to come to terms with his diagnosis or does he have a specific concern about the surgery. My guess is probably the first one, and honestly, having been through IVF-ICSI, I wouldn’t blame anyone who felt that way. But he needs to understand that this matters so much to you that you’re considering ending the relationship.

I wonder why you’re so reluctant to consider IVF with donor sperm. If you went into it together the child would be his in every way that matters. I don’t think genetics matter that much.

I wonder why you’re so reluctant to consider IVF with donor sperm. If you went into it together the child would be his in every way that matters. I don’t think genetics matter that much.

They may matter hugely to the child.

Genetics don't matter much?

lots and lots of people are not happy with using donor eggs /sperm for some it is because they are no longer anonymous

Explore the scan, if he doesn’t agree you have no time to spare!
Honestly, I would get pregnant and worry about the logistics later. You have just a few years for this to happen, I would go for it.
You have already lost 13 years !!

but its a bit weird though isn't it??

It could be something simple like a varicocele treatment , no symptoms, a simple operation that's stopping sperm , how would you know if you didn't get checked out ?? Its the reason for male fertility problems in 40% of cases.

I fully intended to come o to this thread after reading the title to say 'YABU'. But actually I don't think you are BU. You're not considering leaving him because he's infertile, you're considering leaving him because he's not engaging with you, and worse still is snapping and being awful about it. I understand he's probably got some confusing and awful feelings himself, but being horrid to you isn't the answer and it's not fair to use you as an emotional punch bag

@backoftheplane you only started ttc in your late 30s and found out about male infertility 6 months ago. Your DP probably feels really sad and embarrassed.

You’ve been together since your late 20s so you should’ve started ttc many years ago. If you were both younger then he would’ve had time to think about possible procedures. Also the success rate would’ve been a lot higher if you were in your early 30s.

How keen was he on being a father before this?
You've been together for eleven years without trying for a child. What changed?
Was it something that you'd both looked forward to, or was it that you suddenly realised your age was going to be an issue if you left it any longer?
Why do you want a child?

Since you're not married, any child conceived by a sperm donor won't entitle you to child support from him.

If you do decide to leave and find a father for your child, how much time realistically would it take to meet someone with that intention, that you could be fairly sure of wanting to spend the next 18 years coparenting with?

Why do you think they matter?

I’m a scientist with a PhD in genetics so I understand the topic rather well, but I would not have hesitated to use donor sperm or eggs if we had needed them to have a baby. I have a friend who has three children conceived with donor sperm and they are still her and her partner’s children. IMO people get far too hung up on genetics. People use phrases like “my biological child” but biologically the environment of the womb has a big influence on how children turn out.

Honestly, at your age, given you don't want to adopt and you wouldn't go it alone, i wouldn't leave.
you have a handful of years to find a decent man who wants to have kids, try, complete a pregnancy etc and all of that is AFTER you get over this relationship otherwise you're setting yourself up for a car crash.

You don't say how long you've been trying, but i'd stop. stop talking about it, stop asking about what he's going to do or how he's feeling. Just all of it. Talk to friends or on here if you need to but to him, just don't instigate anything.

His ego has just been wacked with a lump-hammer, along with his dreams and his sense of responsibility to the woman he loves. His thoughts may well include that this is on HIM, e's the reason you can't have kids by just having sex, he's the barrier., he's the failure., he's not a real man, he's not a good partner, you'd be better of without him, etc. So just let him lick those wounds, reassure him you love him and give him space. Nut only for a month.
If he hasn't raised it, then tell him you've both had time to think and you need to know what his next step is. You want to know that as a couple you've done everything possible.

If you leave because he won't do what he can to try and conceive, because you'll always be bitter he didn't try, then that's ok. You can leave at any point the relationship isnt working for you

they SHOULD'VE started to conceive earlier? Who's place is it to tell them when was the right time for them? No one is wrong for waiting to TTC until they're ready

This is a whole other debate, but I would be hesitant to use a sperm donor because of the risk of my child unintentionally having sex with their half-sibling. I am against egg donors because more often than not, it is young women desperate for a small amount of cash who will go through the gruelling process of fertility drugs and then egg harvesting.

Could you move to “the other side of the world” where you have family. Would they offer moral and / or practical support if you “ go it alone”?. I know it would mean changing jobs, but I suppose it depends what is most important to you. Or is that you don’t want a child where you are not in a relationship with the father?

@backoftheplane
in your first post you wrote
“Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.”

. If YOUR desire to be a mother is such that your partner’s refusal to explore his fertility problems means you are considering leaving him then why is this the case? And part fo the options includes having a child with another man. Surely you would him and do his that. As other posters have said the longing for a child is not rational. It can and often does eclipse the relationship stairs quo with the person you love. It did in my case .

Either you want children more than you want to stay with a man who won’t engage with extra support to achieve this or you don’t. everything else flows from there. Deep down you will know which matters
more.

*surely you would LEAVE him that should read

I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread but for the avoidance of misinformation, the UK has very strict rules about gamete donation which significantly mitigates the risks you mention. It’s illegal to pay women for egg donation here and there are strict limits on the number of families that a single sperm donor can donate to. It’s different in some countries - notably the United States.

Unfortunately, fertility sharply declines in the late 30s and even more so in the 40s. Most people know this. That’s why it’s best to start ttc when you’re younger if you’re in an established relationship (like OP) because you have more time for tests etc if doctors diagnose you with fertility issues.

We had ivf with icsi. There was no surgery involved for my DH- he literally had to produce a sample into a pot which was then injected into the eggs they had harvested from me. Ivf is much more physically demanding for the woman.

I really feel for you. It must be so hard that your DH is refusing to engage, especially when it’s unlikely to involve physical intervention for him, whereas ivf certainly will for you.

In our case we both had poor fertility which was a shock, as we had no idea. But we accepted that and did everything we could to have a child. I guess maybe it helped that it was both of us that had issues, as neither of us felt it was our fault. Or perhaps we both did, but either way we were in the same boat.

Agree

Op this is a very difficult situation.

a friend of mine went through similar. She was so desperate to have children but her partner wouldn’t consider any of the options outside ivf/natural conception and she spent her life grieving this.

he ended up cheating on her and they had a loveless marriage until she finally recently got the courage to leave him. She’s in her 60s now though and enjoying her new found freedom but I do feel sad for her.

anyways back to you…
his unwillingness to discuss could be down to the shock of the results and needing to deal with it. It might be helpful for him to get some therapy? If that’s not an option it will be time for a sit down chat about if this relationship can continue.

yes you might not find another relationship and have a child but you won’t be staying in a relationship you resent!

I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I think, the real problem is that he won’t even talk about it. Is he a bit selfish? I’m just wondering, over the years is everything his way with you twisting and bending and him not budging. Because if that is yes, then you need to really think about that before considering having a child with him!!!

feel free to disregard this post if it doesn’t apply, I’m great at suggesting solutions to people but am unable to speak up in my own life, just so you know that!!!