to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

I don’t know what to advise. But from bitter experience - at 38 it is now crunch time for having a baby so definitely time for you to make a decision on this x

@Nowhereelsetogo90 Ah well, you've got it all worked out! I'll just "get a smaller house" and then I'll be able to afford to be a single parent with no support network... how did I not think of that sooner?! Seriously?!

I live in London - where I have to be based for work. It is ridiculously expensive to live here. It's not a matter of 'getting a smaller house'. I also – as stated earlier – think it's irresponsible to bring children into the world regardless of circumstance. With no support network and not being financially secure on my own, I don't think it would be responsible to bring a child into the world alone. I'm sorry – but what do I do when I need to go back to work?

@SillyOldBear3 it won't take the pressure off. The success rates are quite low.

So what? 18% is better than zero percent.

And the point is it gives her options later on.

OP you make a lot of reasonable arguments for not pushing him or going alone but the desire for a child is not rational.

In 10 years time when the chance of having a child has gone and you know you never will, the question about what will you do when you go back to work will seem so trivial.

You'll work it out is the answer.

If you don't want to live a childless life you'll need to be prepared to do whatever it takes and soon.

As I said above sperm donor with your husband seems the obvious and kindest solution.

Tell him you are going to do this. You'd rather it was together but if he won't agree you'll do it alone.

Tell him you cannot allow him to prevent you from being a mother

No lower than they would be if she were to try to conceive naturally at 38. She would at least then have healthy eggs stored, rather than waiting another year and potentially facing increasingly declining egg quality. They may need to go down the IVF route anyway, with her partner's problems. Better to start her side of the process sooner rather than later. If they do split, as least she still has fertility options down the line.

If your partner won’t engage and it’s making you so unhappy that you do choose to leave, you may well have time to meet someone else and have a baby.

But if you feel like time is running out to find a romantic life partner, you could consider having a baby with someone through a coparenting relationship. This would mean you wouldn’t be going it alone and would help with the childcare/ work/ financial element.

It may not feel like it now, but if a baby is what you really want, there are options out there OP x

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So are the rates of conceiving at 40. 18% is better than no percent. Also she should speak to a doctor and find out her actual personal fertility options. She may have a great egg reservoir. It may still be worth freezing them.

I cannot understand however why your DH wouldn't agree to a donor. He'd rather you remain childless and broken hearted for ever than accept he could love a child which wasn't genetically his but was genetically yours and for which he'd be the only father the child ever knew. it’s a personal choice though.

I’m a woman and if I were the one with infertility I wouldn’t use donor eggs either because I don’t agree with donation. Nobody is wrong or selfish to not want that.

In terms of the people telling the OP to just go it alone, I find this reasoning absolutely bizarre. No-one who has been a single parent would recommend it, and those who haven’t don’t know what they’re talking about when suggesting it to someone.

OP be honest with yourself, do you actually love this man? Or is the baby issue just a convenient reason to leave the relationship.

Because if your relationship isn’t a strong one then it won’t make it through fertility treatment because fertility treatment is brutal and takes a massive tole on relationships, even on strong, stable ones.

So you need to assess whether you actually want to be in this relationship before you even look at the fertility element, because it doesn’t sound as if you do, only now you have a reason to leave.

Oh it's fine you just put baby in a desk drawer. Obviously that's what people do when they really want children.

Op I'm sorry you're going through this. I have fertility issues and had ivf to have my dd, so I understand the stress of the whole situation.

Your relationship doesn't sound great and You've mentioned lack of family support and financial aspect. Tbh I wouldn't bring a child into this. I know lots of people do it without a support network, but it's hard raising a child and it puts a big strain on your relationship.

@backoftheplane sorry to ask but is there any chance your DH has had a vasectomy at some point in the past? That might explain his refusal to engage.

I have no suggestions but wish you well.

while I sympathise it is entirely reasonable for someone like her DH to be keen to have his own children they decided they were ready and have now found out they can't conceive naturrally. It appears OP's DH has just accepted he can't father children, he didn't know he was infertile, now he does and can decide well that is it, I do not want any treatment or further investigations I'm just accepting it, this does not mean that the desire TTC before was not genuine.
my DH made it plain that if we didn't conceive naturally he would not go further no tests no nothing, he genuinely wanted a child but he also genuinely did not want treatment or investigations if it didn't happen

Egg freezing is an invasive surgical process.l, and OP doesn't even know if her husband has any possibility of fathering a child. The surgery he would need is less invasive: he should be helped to overcome his fear of surgery before OP should pay 3k for an invasive procedure that will not guarantee conception, especially is her husband never gets over his fear to be investigated.

Ultimately the decision is hers but I just feel she should be aware that it isn't a guarantee of a baby.

if we truly believe in bodily autonomy it applies to men as well as women and it includes not having tests, taking medication and / or surgery

Which is fine - but he should be able to speak to his partner about it.

Adoption?

oh sorry just saw you said that won't work

From the OP

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

Freezing eggs alone don't have good success rates. frozen embryos do have better chances. I would possibly look into freezing a few eggs but also a few embryos with donated sperm. Then you have a bit of breathing room to think.
At 38 you will have to move very quickly with a relationship, many men aren't willing to do that.

Wow. The other poster asked what I’d do? That’s what I’d do. But I’m not in London or financially reliant on a man. So obviously your situation is different and more difficult. At the end of the day only you can make this decision.

Apologies if someone has said this …. Our issue was also azoospermia but we managed ICSI with DH on various prescription medications to get a handful of sperm and so avoided mTESE or any other surgery. We did know the cause and also that there had previously been small pockets of sperm production which boosted the chances though. It still wasn’t easy as the medications had side effects, but thought I’d mention it if surgery is the big sticking point for him. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It sounds like he needs time to get his head round it all but everything in the IVF world takes time which is not hugely on your side. Also IVF (and parenting) are emotionally very challenging and possibly some of the trust is going due to how he’s handling this.

Did you really want children together if you are being honest ? Or is it you feel like you should? You have been married for 11 years , I don't understand being married so long and waiting so long to TTC. Most women wait because they haven't met anyone..

OP my ex didn't want children, which is essentially the position you're in. I loved him and tried to convince myself that I could live happily without children too. I watched my friends get pregnant and it got harder and harder to tell myself I was happy with my life.

My moment of clarity came one Sunday when he'd been out for a bike ride. It was a lovely sunny day, he'd had a good bike ride, there was something on the TV later that he wanted to watch - he was just so happy and content with life. I realised that this was enough for him. This was all he needed for the rest of his life - me, sunny days, bike rides, sport on TV, holidays etc. And I knew I wanted more. I wanted a child, and watching him in his state of contentment while I had an aching hole inside me was more than I could bear. I knew I couldn't live out my days with him.

Do you feel you're at that point? I you told your partner not to worry, you'd just accept life as it is, with no kids - would his contentment destroy you?

I think your big problem would be that you could sabotage your whole relationship by blaming him for your childlessness. Would he discuss alternative routes such as fostering or adoption? And would you?