to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

I do wonder about people who say genetics don't matter much. Presumably it'd be no big deal if their baby got accidentally swapped on the labour ward and they raised a baby that wasn't genetically 'theits'?

Op I've sent you a PM

I agree, I’m in my 30s and single and do not want to choose to go it alone. Although of course we can never tell what the future holds. I love kids but due to my love for kids, I won’t bring one into a situation I don’t think is great for them. And I totally understand you wanting to have child of the man you love, instead of a donor sperm.

Is he grieving what he can’t give you. I think you need a proper discussion about how you both feel and how you both see life moving forward. In any relationship you need to be on the same page. Maybe counselling could help?

Agree you've left it quite late even if everything was OK. I married at 39 and started trying straight away, and only then found I was perimenopausal, and eventually had to have donor eggs to achieve my lovely family.

DH was amazing. He obviously had to have various tests etc along the way, which he did uncomplainingly, but when we found it was me that had the problem he was very supportive. I suppose the difference was that we both knew we wanted children through whatever means - we discussed all the options and agreed to try them all, as appropriate.

Funnily - going abroad for donor eggs seemed quite a major step when the consultant first suggested it. We tried IVF, went down several dead ends with potential UK donors, and looked at adoption, eventually a quick holiday to Barcelona suddenly seemed really quite simple.....

But if DH hadn't been co-operative I can honestly say I would have given him the ultimatum. Of course it's different if you try and things don't work out - but I would find your DPs lack of engagement a big red flag. Is he scared of the effort and potential heartache - or is he just not that bothered? I'm so sorry you're going through this, and really hope you work things out!

So he’s basically saying he doesn’t want kids! This is absolutely a big deal and he’s being very selfish by not even talking about it.

Oh for goodness sake, someone taking your baby is clearly completely different. It means you don’t feel the need for the baby to look like you/have your genes.

I'm coming to this late and have not yet RTFT.

As the person in my relationship with infertility issues, it fucking hurts. A lot. Your DH might find conversations around it and the pushing difficult, which is why he isn't doing anything. I'm not saying you are being pushy but he may feel that way when maybe he still has to work through some stuff. It is really hard being the person who can't have kids because of your own body.

If you value your relationship with your DH I would suggest hitting the pause button on this, discussing how he feels about the whole thing, and making sure he is feeling OK about what the process might mean for him in its entirety. That might mean other conversations along the way.

You are going through something truly heartbreaking without the support of your partner or in person support from any good friends or family who are on the other side of the world. I would go 'home' if I were you. You need proper support. You really, really need to take your mental and physical wellbeing serously. If your partner can't see that and help you then you need to go to your friends and family and get some distance, perspective and care. A fresh take. Go home.

I honestly don't know what I would do in this situation, it's so hard.

YANBU to consider leaving him as your frustration is not with his infertility but with his refusal to engage with process at all. The not knowing may be something that always hangs over you and may be a resentment that grows.

If you were to pursue the current avenues and the answer was a definite no, would you be happy to accept being childless? If so, and counseling is absolutely off the table for him, I would keep trying to explain to him why exploring this is so important to you and your peace of mind.

If not, you have to consider if you love him enough to accept his decision or if the chance of motherhood is more important. Either choice is reasonable.

You know what I think you should leave him. You want kids and he can’t and won’t agree to give you them. You could leave and meet someone else. My mum had me and my brother at 41 and 43 plenty of women still conceive in their 40s. Think it come down too what do you want more kids or your husband?

If you really want a baby it's surprising to me that you left it so late to start trying (and it was his idea to get started in the end, not yours). I'm saying this not to make you feel bad, I'm really sorry if it does, but to gently suggest that maybe having a baby isn't the be all and end all for you after all. You may find that you reach acceptance sooner than you think.

Apologies if I'm way off with this. It's just that you must have realised you were taking a risk leaving it so late, and on some level you must have been okay with that?

If you've waited until 37 to try and you've been together 11 years you either never really wanted kids or you were incredibly naive to think you could just wait. I feel sorry for you of course, but you must have realised you were reducing your chances with every passing year?

Forget about mumsnet’s post about women getting dumped due to infertility. What do YOU want? How do YOU feel?

I wouldn’t judge for for leaving your DP because os his fertility issues

Very selfish attitude. I wonder kids who are brought to this world by such self-centred, deceiving tricks become self centred adults later.

Op, it seems like the only reason you wouldn't leave your dp is your financial condition and the fact you may not find another partner in time to have a child. There is no love and understanding towards your current partner of 11 years, then do the right thing and leave him.

You may not judge, another person may. Does it really matter?

In the end, human beings are indispensable, you leave one partner of 11 years for a physical flaw in which he has no control. Then if and when, the next partner develops some medical disease, then you leave them. Some people may not judge that as well.

I wonder what happens to such self centred parents after the kid is born, do they suddenly become ethical, highly moral human being suddenly or continue to exhibit weak, selfish attitudes throughout their life and modeling such behaviour to their kids who eventually learn that selfishness is inherent part of living a human life.

To be honest, our society does not desperately need more selfish people. I hope that Op's partner who has subsidised her life for last 11 years and have paid for the mortgage of the house atleast she is living in without paying towards it, see this post and learn that the real reason OP is with him are out of her lack of choice and selfish needs.

Well her current partner has mugged her off in terms of marriage and children for 11 long years, running down her clock.

She should have no qualms about behaving in way that looks out for her future happiness. I think keeping him on the back burner while actively looking for an upgrade is the most sensible option. He clearly doesn’t care about her feelings on marriage or children, so sod him.

It's also irresponsible to bring a child into the world when you are so selfish. So you are not leaving dp, as don't want a smaller home?

So what happens, if dp agrees to go through tests and surgery and you still cannot have a child? Or if you do the child will be the only kid, with no sibling. Is it selfish to bring child with no family, cousins, siblings around and having older parents?

Is it also selfish to child if he has some medical condition?

Your post is about your want to have a child, you have no thoughts about your dp, or the kind of life your child would have.

You talked about being alone in previous post, I know it's difficult but you cannot expect your child to bring meaning to your life. Not sure your reasons for starting TTC so late, but a time comes we need to accept and create other meaningful ways to fill our lives, not by using other people as means to your goals.

Personally I would struggle quite massively with this because he isn’t engaging… and yes, I do think I would leave. You aren’t asking a lot. You just want him to have a scan.

@Fifi00 They're not even married!

OP I would ask yourself why you have your priorities back to front ie why you stay with a man for 11 years when he doesn't even have the decency to commit to you, to marry you. Where's your self respect? You said you're financially vulnerable - damn right you are! You don't have the financial benefits and security marriage brings, and you want to bring a child into that? You may as well go it alone because you are alone, aren't you? You don't have a secure marriage, you have a man that won't even commit to you let alone commit to having a child with you. Get your priorities right. Leave him and find a man who will commit to you as well as commit to having a family. This man you're with is a non-starter and if you can't find a man you may as well go it alone with donor sperm because you're on your own anyway as it is, so what's the difference.

So now that he has to do more than ejaculate into you, suddenly TTC is apparently too much of an effort for him, hmm funny that. Sadly, I don’t think your partner is all that unusual for ‘wanting’ children but expecting the woman to carry the the load. Pregnancy and childbirth can be physically and emotionally traumatising for a woman but apparently, a medical professional merely looking at a man’s penis is too much for some men.

This has well and truly exposed a side to him which you have probably been able to ignore up until now. I’m sorry OP but given his head in the sand approach to this hurdle, I suspect he probably isn’t emotionally cut out for fatherhood either.

You can’t make him engage but the genie is well and truly out of the bottle and you can’t go back to the blissful fairytale that you describe in your first few paragraphs. Not having children isn’t the only price you’ll have to pay for staying in this relationship, it’s knowing that his ‘want’ for children didn’t extend to putting any effort and rather than working as a team to overcome this hurdle, his pride/ laziness was his priority. That’s something you can’t easily forget.

Your ‘what about if this was a woman’ comparisons are redundant because infertility isn’t the issue, his lack of engagement and willingness to act as a team, is.

Op just to say freezing your eggs at 38 is not a waste of time. My circumstances are different from yours, but I went to a very well regarded clinic (in London) and froze my eggs when I was 38.

I'm now 41 and looking to use the eggs in the next 6 months or so with my partner of 18 months. Ultimately I don't know whether we will be successful, but it feels more hopeful doing it with 38 year old eggs rather than 41/42 year old eggs.

Ultimately it gave me the chance to take my time in meeting someone and not feeling the need to rush to have kids before we were ready.

My advice would be to freeze your eggs whilst you're giving him time to think. 38 might not be "ideal" but at the end of the day you'll never be as young as you are now and if you did end up leaving him and meeting someone new in your 40s then 38 suddenly feels quite young and spritely!

The only thing I'd say is that you need to keep drugs in the fridge and there are lots of appointments / scans so it might be difficult to do it without him knowing, but not impossible I would say.

It sounds like he doesn't want to be a father.

If you really want children, you may need to take the hard option, leave and do the single-mother-by-choice thing using donor sperm. I get that that's not what you want, but if you really want kids, you may have to do the above and find a way to get things to work - build a support network of some kind, accept some major downsizing in your housing and disposable income situation.

If you really don't want to find a way of getting single-motherhood-by-choice to work and getting over your disinclination towards donor sperm, then you will probably have to come to terms with never having children.

One or the other. Either way involves some big sacrifices.

I'm sorry your partner is being a dick, but to be honest, you do come across as being someone who is unwilling to accept tradeoffs in life! I mean, it should have been obvious that if you want kids, it's not smart to spend your 30s prioritizing other things; it's absolutely taking a risk, because for every woman who gets pregnant uneventfully in her 40s, there'll be another one who learns to her dismay that at 35 she already has no viable eggs left.

My brother suffers from male infertility, his sperms swim in groups instead of swimming alone, when he & sil were trying to conceive his sperm had to be washed to remove the protein that caused them to stick together& then have icsi, no operation & they had twins from the second attempt. I would give yourself a deadline of say 3 months & then if he still chooses to not want to discuss it think about your options. He may be in shock or may feel as if he isn't a man after the news.

She's already given him 6 months