to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

@Frosty1000 thank you for sharing your experience – your message has really hit on how I think he is feeling. I know that I am frustrated at his lack of communication, lack of action, and desire to bury his head in the sand – but I also know that all of this is a result of him feeling exactly how you've described. I think I'm going to tell him I won't bring it up for 2-3 months to give him time to think things through and then we do need to have a really honest conversation about it and how we see our future. I also don't just want to find someone to have a baby with – I want to have my partner's baby. He would also make such an amazing father.

I have ds1 from ICSI but prior to having treatment exH and I split up for 12 months because, back then, he didn't want a child enough to go through treatment to have one. We reconciled a year later - he had changed his mind over that year and was willing to try treatment.

I have zero regrets that leaving was the right thing to do at the time because I'd always been open about how much I wanted children and wanted to try anything to make that happen despite knowing I had a condition that would likely involve fertility treatment for that to happen.

ExH and I separated 9 years later for good for other reasons but I'm still glad I went back to try again when I did because I wouldn't have DS1 if I'd not.

OP, I see you as being in a very vulnerable position even without the TTC issue. He has paid off the mortgage but you would hardly be able to afford to rent a place for yourself if you left ? This doesn’t add up at all. You think of yourself as married but after all these years, your DP isn’t actually proving he is committed to you, being fair to you financially or even on the same page as you. This doesn’t add up either.
Furthermore, it seems to me that the fertility bad news has defeated him to such an extent that he isn’t bothered about saving the relationship let alone continuing down the TTC path.
Of course, I could be entirely wrong and he could just be sad at his fertility predicament and unable to face it just yet. Only you can know, but if he won’t even have the scan, I feel if you stay, you are just left hanging in a no-hope relationship and with absolutely no security whatsoever and a bleak future ahead.

In your place, I would make plans asap to go to my family and friends who could help me see the reality of my situation and help me out a bit to get back on track.

And, without any proper commitment from him, I wouldn’t be in a hurry to return to him at all.
At least that way you have a chance to get yourself into a more secure living situation with a window of hope in front of you.
It is not impossible yet, for you to meet someone new and conceive before it is too late.
Give yourself a chance !

The fertility clinic I go to will also only help couples under the age of 42. So he does need to decide if he is in or out on this! So sorry OP. I empathize with you fully. You’re right that unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to comprehend.

Please don't beat yourself up about not freezing your eggs. It's expensive and the statistics for success are surprisingly low. It's often toted as a way for women to extend their fertility, which is a bit misleading.
I agree with PP about taking a break of a couple of months. Then if you come back to the conversation, help him through his fears.

Another question I wanted to ask was is there a chance a second sample would show a better result?

@TheFrozenCanal I may be wrong on this and OP should correct me if I am, but I know the fertility clinic we use HAS to run a second sample if the first sperm analysis has unfavorable results. They have to get it double checked, as the impact of it can be huge.

Am so sorry this sounds so hard. I know of a parallel situation w dear friends, but in that case he was as devastated as her. They spent ages working together to work out what to do - a year of counselling. Then did ivf w ICSI attempt and donor sperm as backup. ICSI didn’t work - not unexpected given his condition - but they went on to have two wonderful children, the spitting image of their dad…

It was the counselling that made it all possible as it was a hard hard path. Stood them in amazing stead tho for all life has gone on to throw.

I know you keep saying he has zero sperm but he might not need surgery, he needs to go for the scan and tests and speak to the fertility clinic before knowing. My sisters husband has infertility and he was told at first he had zero sperm but after he started to eat healthier, cut down drinking and taking some vitamins for men (not sure what), his next sample did have some sperm so they could do icis without an operation. So can understand why you are annoyed he won't at least go for the tests etc. But he does seem like he is scared, so will hopefully come round.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. We struggled with infertility but ours was both our issues so I guess that made it easier to deal with. IVF is hard on a woman and I don’t think it’s too much to ask the guy to be onboard with the process. Is he feeling embarrassed or overwhelmed? These are common feelings in infertility. I know my infertility brought on a lot of feelings of shame…could this be why he’s withdrawing or is he adverse to intervention? I think you guys need to see an IVF counsellor. Really hoping some talking through things will help you get to start the journey to baby 💞

Why can’t you just freeze your eggs to buy some time? It’s only £3k. That way you get an idea of your own fertility and if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t lost all your options.

Take the pressure off him but actually still investigate your options.

You’re correct in your thinking of not wanting to purposely be a lone parent OP. I’ve been one for 7 years and frankly, I would never have chosen this.

Anyone berating your for that just needs to have a quick look around here, to see the absolute verbal battering any single mother gets “why didn’t you choose a better father” “why didn’t you make sure you earning 250K a year before having a child” “why didn’t you use your crystal ball to see if you’d become disabled or not” etc etc.

I think your partner’s lack of willingness to go to counselling or engage would be a dealbreaker for me. It’s not his fault at all but the way he deals with it is. Is it at all an option to move back near your family and have a baby by yourself?? That way you will have a support network - if having a child is very important to you, you’ll make it work. I also thought the idea of freezing eggs was sensible.

It isn't that simple. And anyway, she still will need some sperm.

"Currently women using their own frozen eggs in treatment have a success rate of 18% (30% with frozen donor eggs), which offers no guarantee of achieving a successful pregnancy and birth."

www.hfea.gov.uk/about-us/news-and-press-releases/2018-news-and-press-releases/press-release-age-is-the-key-factor-for-egg-freezing-success-says-new-hfea-report-as-overall-treatment-numbers-remain-low/

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I cannot understand however why your DH wouldn't agree to a donor. He'd rather you remain childless and broken hearted for ever than accept he could love a child which wasn't genetically his but was genetically yours and for which he'd be the only father the child ever knew.

That is so incomprehensibly cruel and selfish to me that I think you'll resent it forever.

You could have a child. He won't let you.

I had a friend who's husband did this. he refused a sperm donor but agreed to adoption. She never really forgave him for preventing her carrying her own child. They spilt up after 10 years.

@EmptyPlaces I'm sorry to hear things are tough. It always surprises me how often the 'just go it alone' "solution" is thrown out on MN. xx

If you can even contemplate leaving him, you should. To me that says he is secondary to your other wishes/dreams for your life. In his shoes I'd want to be free of that.

I'd rather have my partner than kids. Any day of the week. If you feel differently, make haste to split up and try your luck elsewhere.

If he is happy to support you with freezing your eggs then he may need more time. It can’t be easy for him especially if he hates dentist’s or needles. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Being brutally honest, in your shoes, I’d leave and go it alone with donor sperm. Because if I didn’t I’d resent my DH forever for removing my chance to be a Mum.

Even if you couldn't afford to house yourself, as the OP said she'd struggle to do?

She obviously loves her dp more than her desire to have children.

I’d get a smaller house, but then being a Mum is something I want above all else. I respect not everyone will feel that way.

OP, if things don’t move forward with your partner , have you considered coparenting as an option?

sorry you are going through this, it sounds very hard x

I don’t have experience on this but I went through various rounds of IVF over many years. It was tough. I can empathise as I really wanted my baby so much and finally I did get her but I started the process at 29. I had my baby at 34. I know a lot about fertility and IVF and at 38 time is not on your side. I would not leave this for 3 months. If your DP cares about you then he definitely should be having a conversation with you to let you know where you stand. If you go through the process and do not get your baby then it will suck but you can live the rest of your life knowing you tried. If not you will probably just resent DP. I hope it works out for you.

How much does he really want kids. If you don’t try until you’re 38 - there’s a high chance one or other of you won’t be able to have them. So it just seems like he’s moved from putting off having kids to - putting off having kids.

Leaving it so late wasn’t the best life plan and he’s not to blame that he’s the one who turned out to be infertile, it could easily have been you.

If you’re not interested in donors or adoption then the only thing is to accept things as they are and put your focus elsewhere.

My advice would be this:

1. Freeze your eggs, asap. This will 'take the pressure off' you. I think half the problem is that you realise you have limited time, and so are putting extra stress on your partner to resolve this now, when he's not emotionally ready.

1. Talk to him. He may need 6 months or so to process everything! Focus on your life as a couple. Build back your relationship. Do fun things; go on dates; have lots of sex where the main aim isn't baby making! You obviously love each other deep down.

1. Reassess the situation in 6 months. Chances are you will be in a happier and more loving relationship and both in a better mindset to potentially add a child to the mix. If you're not, then you then have the option to leave the relationship. If you still want children, you could, at this point, consider a sperm donor and go it alone.