to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

If he's not prepared to have an op then surely there is no point to the scan?

Perhaps he would rather just accept things now?

As to what you do, well that's difficult to advise.

Do you want kids more than you want your partner?

If you leave him & still don't have kids would you be happy with that?

I always wanted to wait and have children when I was a bit older. We both used to travel a lot for work too. It was DH suggestion to start TTC

It sounds like your DH does want children if HE actually suggested it?

Perhaps he feels so ashamed about his infertility that he'd now rather continue living a child free life with you?

I really wouldn’t be giving him another month or 3 months. Setting up a cycle of IVF /ICSI takes time, add the surgical sperm retrieval ahead of that if required, your starting date could be months and months away even if you booked it right now. I have two children via this method (due to failed vasectomy reversal) and it took me 3 cycles for the first success and I was quite a bit younger so didn’t have the same time pressures.

I remember your first thread and you were really mindful of not trying to blame him but I wonder if you’ve gone too far the other way and would ask yourself do you think you have really laid on the table exactly where your mental state is in this and how much affect it’s having on you- his failure to even discuss it being the worst?

If you give it your best shot of trying to spell it out and he still doesn’t engage, have you thought about calling his bluff? Just proceed, make the appointments, get the ball rolling with a clinic for the donor route (I understand you don’t want to do this alone) but I wonder if this would be the type of shock he’d need to make him realise how serious you are. I do sympathise I understand how hard it is to be forced to be passive and feeling like your future is entirely dependent on the other party.

He doesn’t have a child… with YOU

He might want to get married and get his fertility issues checked with another woman

Well if you only want this man’s child and that’s stronger than your desire to have a baby your choice and future is set then surely?

why would you leave him if this the case?

It’s not offensive to suggest that if you want a child so badly you’ll do it as a single parent. Loads of women do. Loads of women end up doing it even if they didn’t want to for many reasons, let’s face it the vast majority of them sue to the man’s behaviour.

At 38 you have to thrash this out for the final time and nail your colours to the Amat as does he. The cynic in me wants to also tell you a man of around the same age as you - even with fertility issues- can still decide to try and become a father several years after you can no longer have children.

Above all be honest with yourself

I really wouldn’t be giving him another month or 3 months. Setting up a cycle of IVF /ICSI takes time, add the surgical sperm retrieval ahead of that if required, your starting date could be months and months away even if you booked it right now
Yeah, he knows this and he's playing for time... Longing it out as much as he can until it's too late, doing everything he can to control it to his advantage, he knows exactly what he's doing

Sorry to be direct but at 38 you dont have time in your side. In your situation, inpersonally would tell him that you are committed to having children time is running out and there isnt a day to lose.

I would honestly be looking at splitting if he doesnt pull his finger out. I'm sure it's hard for him but you dint have time to waste and in your shoes I'd be giving DH a date to get his arse into gear or moving forward without him. Child every time for me. You need to know what your bottom line is.

You said this better than I did. I hope OP follows the advice!

Yeah, he knows this and he's playing for time... Longing it out as much as he can until it's too late, doing everything he can to control it to his advantage, he knows exactly what he's doing

I don't think you know how it feels to be diagnosed as infertile.

I was diagnosed as infertile as a recently turned 25 year old. I mourned for months and felt embarrassed and ashamed not to be a ‘real’ woman. I felt ashamed for looking into IVF, fertility drugs etc so I didn’t pursue this. Miraculously, just over a year later I found out I was pregnant naturally.

OP’s DP is the one who wanted to ttc. It took me months to come to terms with the diagnosis and I imagine OP’s DP is the same! It has only been 6 months! Unfortunately, OP has waited until her very late 30s to ttc so time is not on her side.

I'm so sorry OP.

I remember seeing your posts about azoospermia as I am going through the same.

I think he is being extremely unfair to not have any of the tests done to at least understand the cause and likelihood of sperm so you both have a clear picture.

It could be obstructive and a simple PESA (needle aspiration) could be all that's needed for you to do ICSI. Obviously it could also be much more complicated, but you wouldn't know until the initial tests. The initial tests are just scans and blood tests so not even painful and so he is being hugely unreasonable and unfair to not get these.

Could talking to others help him? Looking at the Instagram account 'knackered knackers' might help as it is a man with non obstructive azoospermia. There's also an episode on Alex Jones making babies about a man with azoo, although I haven't got to that one yet.

Its such a crap situation and I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be so frustrating for you.

@backoftheplane would your partner not consider an appointment at Wimpole st clinic, London? We went there after four failed ivf/icsi’s. They are great at looking at make factor infertility. My husband’s sperm count was not as dire as your partner’s, but we wanted a second opinion. It turned out my husband had an infection which was causing low sperm count and poor morphology-something the NHS didn’t even look for let alone discover. After a course of antibiotics his count went from 3 million to 14 million. I couldn’t face any more medical intervention though so decided to let nature take its course which it did a few years later.

Whether your partner’s issues are structural or hormonal need to be discovered. If hormonal, it may be that taking medication might help things. But he won’t know if you don’t try. I am so sorry. It is unbelievably painful, and I know it broke my husband to find he could not give me a child. We discussed donor, and husband would have gone along with it, but in the end I didn’t want to as I wanted my husband’s child. We were lucky eventually, and nature was finally kind, but were somewhat younger than you are so had some time on our side. Whatever you decide know that you are not alone and others have been where you are.

Him not trying for you is the killer. Men are very funny about this stuff yet we women suck up all sorts in pursuit of being a mum. I’d set up some time to really talk about it together. Ten years in is a lot of time. There is a lot for you to think about and we can’t be judge and jury but you have one life and if you really want a child he should do as much as is possible even holistic approaches are helpful

It sounds like he is feeling like shit about the fact that he can’t give you a child. I get that it must be hurtful that he isn’t engaging but that could be down to the fact that he may feel like he can’t give you what you want. It sound selfish but I can imagine this is a possibility.

Leave him

I ended my relationship with my infertile husband because he refused to engage in exploring any fertility options. Everyone is different but I think he’d just have been miserable. If we had stayed together it would have been impossible for me not to coerce and put massive pressure on him. I could have but in retrospect I’m so so glad I didn’t. Im not the only female on the planet and he had the option to work it out with someone new knowing what he felt and his options.

I think he is probably feeling very embarrassed, ashamed and like a failure to be honest and I imagine that it does feel like a lot of pressure. I guess if you won't have children even if you leave him, you have to think about whether aside from how he is behaving currently, you normally have a great relationship. It is a very sad position for both of you and I do feel like you will get a kinder response than if the roles were reversed

Very sad and frustrating situation. But you also don’t know if YOU would be able to carry a fétus to term! You might have the misfortune to have miscarry… I had many miscarriages and we chose to adopt. The best thing that happened in our lives. It takes some time, so best to get started on the process. You will love the baby whether it is biologically yours or not

IMHO I think you've still got time to start again if you had to. I met my partner when I was 42 and she was 44. We conceived naturally and had our son when she was 48. he's now a thriving happy 13yr old. At the time we had decided we weren't going to have childen and were busy looking for a dog! We weren't doing much about contraception because DP thought it'd be too late for her and we weren't at it like rabbits anyhow. So we were fairly content. Then when she got preganant it felt awesome. I didn't think I'd feel like that. All fears of what impact it was going to have on our lives, and any doubts about our suitability for parenthood - either financially or emotionally quickly vanished. It's the best thing that has happened to us. Possibly your partner might feel the same if it happened and all his fears would be found out to be groundless. I wish you best of luck in whatever you decide to do. I think staying or leaving you'll eventually find happiness with children.😊

You must know that 48 is vanishingly rare.

I may be totally off the mark here but the fact that you call him your husband when you're not actually married after 11 years together seems to me like deep down you wish you were married. Has your partner dragged his heels with that too? Because right now it looks like he doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't want children with you and at the same time he has let you run down your body clock waiting. You don't have any more time to waste waiting for him.

I think a very frank discussion is needed and you both need to lay all of your cards on the table. I know if I was in your situation I could come to terms with his infertility but not his refusal to explore all options.

Then she should leave him, but she is unwilling to leave him out of not being able to find another man in time and also not able to afford a big place in London.

Why stay with a man you don't love for the convenience of bigger home and financial stability?
Dp must be a good person that he bought their home in her name and paid 90% towards it, OP is being calculative.

@ThreeRingCircus Op says her dp has paid 90% towards the house bought in her name. Why would he do that if he is as selfish as your post suggests?

I’m in the fertility industry and the treatment/investigations are actually very non-invasive for men compared to women. The fact that he won’t engage in discussions etc is a massive red flag. This could be about anything you disagree on, not necessarily infertility, and his attitude is poor. You cannot be expected to stay with someone who treats you like this over an issue which is very important to you.

I know you didn’t want advice re investigations etc but I must say Mr Ramsay from Andrology Solutions is the best in the business when it comes to male fertility. If you do manage to get him to see someone, he’s the man you want on your side.

Assuming you’ve only found out in the past few months, I’d guess his head isn’t in a place yet to think about options. There’s a whole host of grief and guilt and feelings of being incompetent and a failure for him to get through. Have you considered any of that?

Go read how women with fertility issues feel when they find out, men are just the same. There are huge societal pressures on performing masculinity and being infertile can be hugely emasculating and make him the brunt of ridicule even among friends.

I know it’s hard when time is getting on for you but I do think it would be cruel to leave him so quickly. If you’re considering an assisted fertility treatment then you probably have a little bit more time than trying naturally. Maybe use that time to empathise with him.