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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Surname drama after marriage

85 replies

Piglet34 · 19/02/2023 08:54

Me and my DH got married in April 2022 and we are having trouble deciding on our surname. We both definitely want to have the same surname as any potential future children.

We don't really like either of our surnames, however we do prefer mine and DH is totally happy to take mine. However the issue is that his surname happens to be my DMs surname/maiden name. From my perspective my surname is MY surname, but DM sees it as my DFs name. They divorced 20 years ago and there is still bitterness there, he cheated at the time and has now been remarried for 15 years (not to the OW) and she didn't meet someone else.

She would be upset if we took my name and went against the "tradition" of me taking DHs/her surname. We really don't like that name though, it's very common and corporate sounding. So now not sure what to do!

YABU - take DH surname to keep everyone happy even if you don't like it
YANBU - take your surname even though it will cause family upset

The other option we have been considering is creating a whole new surname (I.e. something meaningful to us) but it is very hard to think of! We can't double barrel our surnames unfortunately as they both end in "ey"

Help appreciated! 😊

OP posts:

IamnotSethRogan · 19/02/2023 08:57

Just do whatever you want

ZekeZeke · 19/02/2023 08:58

This has nothing to do with your mother, it's none of her business.

When you married what name did you sign?

dementedpixie · 19/02/2023 09:00

You sign in your original name as its a choice whether you change it afterwards

HolidayHeffer · 19/02/2023 09:01

YANBU, your name, your choice. It really isn't anyone else's business (although I appreciate there will always be opinions).

I got married 5 years ago and decided not to take DH's name surname. My name is part of my identity, it's who I am. I don't see any reason to change that. DH didn't change his name either. We now have 2 DC and their surname is double barrelled.

There's no right or wrong way to do it, it's personal choice and whatever suits you and DH best, no-one else.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 19/02/2023 09:02

Well it's your name so you get to pick it. Not sure this has anything to do with your mum. If everyone pandered round what everyone else thought, people would get nowhere.

shopmyfeelings · 19/02/2023 09:03

Can't you just keep your own names? I would only ever have my name or double barrel for any children personally.

ohxmastreeohxmastree · 19/02/2023 09:03

You’ve massively over complicated this by involving others in your decision. Just pick what you and DH would like, and then inform people of your decision. Or don’t inform people until necessary! DD originally told me she wasn’t changing her name and I didn’t find out until about two years later when I needed her passport info for holiday that she had actually gone double barrel. She said she changed her mind a few months after the wedding and changed it but still hasn’t mentioned it to many people.

Follow your heart OP!

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/02/2023 09:03

We named our daughter a brand new last name and we have kept our last names and added daughters last name as a double barrel.

For example

Daughter Jane Smith
Me Sally Clark- Smith
DH Stephen Jones - Smith

MerryMarigold · 19/02/2023 09:08

Personally I don't think how it sounds matters all that much.. To me it indicates history, so with your DH name you get to honour his history AND your mum's (very lucky coincidence) - which is half of yours. I would personally go down that route for this reason. I expect your Mum was delighted when you got married that you would lose the name which is associated with pain for her, and even better, go to her surname which cements the bond with her. It must be a bit of a shock to think that the whole family, including her grandchildren, would have the name of her ex husband! I know it's also 'your' name but you got it from him and his family so, whatever you choose, I think you do need to acknowledge that it would be quite hurtful for your Mum to live with. Obviously she needs to get over it, and deal with the decision you make, but I don't think it was wrong of her to express her view on it at this stage.

Coffeellama · 19/02/2023 09:11

Neither of you are married to your mother, so it wouldn’t be keeping ‘everyone’ happy, just her. But she’s not part of the marriage and you aren’t a kid anymore so she doesn’t get a say! I’d stop dragging it out and just both use your name, shel get over it.

HoppingPavlova · 19/02/2023 09:13

Why can’t you both just keep your own names and give kids a new one? That’s what we did. We used letters from both surnames to create a new surname. Gobsmackingly, we were a ‘family’ and none got ‘confused’. The kids knew we were mum/dad, we knew the kids were ours, the government knows who belongs to who, schools understood the parent/child concept. We didn’t all need the same name to understand our relationship with each other! Our (now adult) kids love their name and much prefer it to either of ours.

spanieleyes · 19/02/2023 09:15

My son and his girlfriend are choosing their own new surname when they get married, nothing to do with either of their current names. Seems fine to me!

TidyDancer · 19/02/2023 09:18

Don't rule out double barrelling the names, you do get 'clunky' ones sometimes and people get used to it, such as Katarina Johnson-Thomson.

Personally I really don't like the idea of creating a new name unless you have absolutely no other option.

Nottodaty · 19/02/2023 09:19

Pick what you want. I’ve been married 20 years & still use my maiden name. Never intended to but just held onto it & now it’s just sticking.

Our children have my husbands name - never really been an issue. My daughter’s do wish they had mine, as Dads is quite common , they both have said they would likely take future husbands name, if they get married.

RoseFl0wers · 19/02/2023 09:21

If you don’t want to take his surname then just double-barrel both of your surnames. I don’t understand creating a new surname for you or dc unless the original is something that sounds rude. Personally, if my future husband had the same surname as my mother’s maiden name then I’d be checking the family trees just in case haha.

Original poster

Piglet34 · 19/02/2023 09:22

Thanks everyone that's very helpful :) has made me realise I'm not being horrible if we chose my name!

Those saying we could keep the same names and have a different one for children, we also just really want to have the same surname as each other, not just the children aspect. Also DH doesn't like his surname and wants a change.

It's not that we ever really discussed it with DM/involved her, but like @MerryMarigold said, she was just excited at the prospect of now having the same name as me (she just assumed that would be happening as is usually tradition)

OP posts:

FinnRussell · 19/02/2023 09:23

Choose the name you want to use. I am sorry your mum is hurting but she cannot be pissed off at you for keeping a name she gave you. She has to separate her anger with your DF from her responses to you. If this is what's she's like over the name then she's going to find sharing grandchildren with your dad and his wife even harder.

Netcam · 19/02/2023 09:25

My mum kept my dad's surname even after they got divorced and she married someone else. When I got divorced I changed mine to my mother's maiden name. So I now have my mother's maiden name and she has mine as surnames. When I got married second time to current DH we each kept our own names. When we have been on holiday it can seem a bit weird at the airport and they often ask questions, my kids have their dad's surname and DH and I each have different surnames too. But it is 2023, I think we can do what we like!

Binfluencer · 19/02/2023 09:27

So refreshing to hear of your DH's attitude, you've chosen well there OP!

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 19/02/2023 09:30

Your mum is being ridiculous. Use your name.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 19/02/2023 09:31

Having been previously married I actually changed my surname to dh's first name when we got engaged. And just kept that. Dc has double barrelled but just uses the same as me. So he is dc name then his df's first name!

Reallybadidea · 19/02/2023 09:32

How can a surname sound 'corporate'?!

But absolutely ignore your mum, it is nothing to do with her!

Ponoka7 · 19/02/2023 09:32

Was he a good Dad, or did your Mum single handedly raise you? There is emotion around surname. It's only on here I've come across people not being at all bothered. Personally I'd go with your DH's because of the link to your maternal line, which usually doesn't get a look in. I think that you are overthinking it being 'corporate' sounding.

LlynTegid · 19/02/2023 09:34

Is there a surname from your ancestry you could adopt? Anyone joining Equity has to have a unique name, and when my cousin joined, would have used her grandmother's maiden name if her name was not unique in Equity.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/02/2023 09:35

Choose a new name and adopt it for all of you.

I've often thought that if I had to take on a new identity, I'd take the name Clearwater or Freshwater. Or Neptune, I know someone with that surname.

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