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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surname drama after marriage

85 replies

Piglet34 · 19/02/2023 08:54

Me and my DH got married in April 2022 and we are having trouble deciding on our surname. We both definitely want to have the same surname as any potential future children.

We don't really like either of our surnames, however we do prefer mine and DH is totally happy to take mine. However the issue is that his surname happens to be my DMs surname/maiden name. From my perspective my surname is MY surname, but DM sees it as my DFs name. They divorced 20 years ago and there is still bitterness there, he cheated at the time and has now been remarried for 15 years (not to the OW) and she didn't meet someone else.

She would be upset if we took my name and went against the "tradition" of me taking DHs/her surname. We really don't like that name though, it's very common and corporate sounding. So now not sure what to do!

YABU - take DH surname to keep everyone happy even if you don't like it
YANBU - take your surname even though it will cause family upset

The other option we have been considering is creating a whole new surname (I.e. something meaningful to us) but it is very hard to think of! We can't double barrel our surnames unfortunately as they both end in "ey"

Help appreciated! 😊

OP posts:
Naunet · 19/02/2023 09:36

Your mum already named you once, she doesn’t get to do it again. Your name is yours, not your fathers, not your mothers, not your husbands.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 19/02/2023 09:38

I think this is probably why Prince (the musician) changed his name to a symbol.

However unfortunately;

  1. it is unpronounceable,
  2. the symbol does not appear on any standard keyboard.

Don't make the same mistake.

dinmin · 19/02/2023 09:41

Add your mum’s/husband’s name as a final middle name for both of you? Then you don’t have to use it but it’s there…

Pinkfrogs45 · 19/02/2023 09:42

Can you combine both last names to make a new one!

StickofVeg · 19/02/2023 09:43

Just do what you want. I have my maiden name, my partner still uses his original name. our 2 DS have his name as it was important to him, but not to me. I think the whole "we all want the same surname" is outdated and it makes no differences if they are different.

WeWereInParis · 19/02/2023 09:44

I would do what works best for you and DH, not what your mother's preference is. Especially as you've said your DH doesn't like his name and wants to change it (as opposed to him being neutral about it).

MolkosTeenageAngst · 19/02/2023 09:45

I would make up something new, if possible something that incorporated something from both of the original surnames but if that doesn’t work maybe something meaningful to both of you? I have friends who changed their surname after marrying and they changed it to the name of the place he’d proposed to her.

Original poster
Piglet34 · 19/02/2023 09:46

Maybe corporate was the wrong word, I more just mean very common and boring sounding. He was/is a great dad but my mum definitely did more of the work in raising us as we only saw him one night a week and every other weekend.

@LlynTegid there have been discussions about us taking DHs mothers maiden name (she doesn't use it anymore but his grandparents do). It is a very unique/nice surname but that causes the same upset really as is taking his mums history instead of my mums 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
plumduck · 19/02/2023 09:46

Just go for Smith and be done with the whole drama. It shouldn't be this hard to just choose a name.

plumduck · 19/02/2023 09:47

Piglet34 · 19/02/2023 09:46

Maybe corporate was the wrong word, I more just mean very common and boring sounding. He was/is a great dad but my mum definitely did more of the work in raising us as we only saw him one night a week and every other weekend.

@LlynTegid there have been discussions about us taking DHs mothers maiden name (she doesn't use it anymore but his grandparents do). It is a very unique/nice surname but that causes the same upset really as is taking his mums history instead of my mums 🤦🏻‍♀️

Your mum needs to get over it.

And "very common and boring" - so rude.

plumduck · 19/02/2023 09:48

Your mum will probably die before you and you'll be stuck with a name you chose to please her.

If you're old enough to get married you're old enough to choose your own name.

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 09:52

I'd combine the two to make a new name

harriethoyle · 19/02/2023 09:57

Your mum sounds way OTT and very bitter about your dad. Good luck when you have children. I can foresee all sorts of issues about your dad being allowed to be a grandparent. I'd nip this in the bud right now if I were you. You're an adult and can do whatever you and your DH agree is best.

MsSupineLickspittle · 19/02/2023 09:58

My friend married someone with the same surname as hers which saved no end of trouble. However it might be a bit late for you Wink

How would your mother feel if you said you'd been through all the potential names and their advantages but kept coming back to her married name as The One and really explained why? My own mother would have still gone apeshit but apparently there are some more reasonable people around.

musicalgymball · 19/02/2023 10:00

Piglet34 · 19/02/2023 09:46

Maybe corporate was the wrong word, I more just mean very common and boring sounding. He was/is a great dad but my mum definitely did more of the work in raising us as we only saw him one night a week and every other weekend.

@LlynTegid there have been discussions about us taking DHs mothers maiden name (she doesn't use it anymore but his grandparents do). It is a very unique/nice surname but that causes the same upset really as is taking his mums history instead of my mums 🤦🏻‍♀️

DH's grandparents' name sounds lovely!

If it's a nice unique name, then that combined with the fact that it is a family name so has history behind it would sell me on it. It completely sidesteps the issue of your mum not wanting your DFs name. So it won't be hurtful to someone very close to you either.

It doesn't use your father or mother or husband's surnames so it's as close to apolitical as you'll get with a name that has history from the family. If DM is still unhappy then I think that's going too far.

Go for the unique and pretty and meaningful name, that's lucky to have that available.

EyesOnThePies · 19/02/2023 10:01

If your Mum were to post an AIBU thread about this she would be told yes, SIBU.

She might have a little pang of disappointment, but really she has no business to put her upset on you. Your DH wants to change his own name and it is hardly your Mum’s business to insist he keep it. Your name IS your name, and it was your Mum, as well as your Dad, that gave it to you.

She has (I hope) loved you all these years with your name and if she can’t do the same for any grandchildren with the same name, there is something very wrong with her.

You keeping your name, and your DH changing it, makes no difference to your support for her over the behaviour of your Dad towards her. Tell her that.

Meanwhile, good for your DH. So many men remain stuck in patriarchal tradition and baulk at changing their names. He shouldn’t be pressured by your Mum’s bleating ‘tradition’.

Drop the drama, just do it, be matter of fact about it with your Mum.

pinkyredrose · 19/02/2023 10:01

Pick a new name if both of you don't like your names.

MaireadMcSweeney · 19/02/2023 10:03

Your mum is being childish. She shouldn't have assumed you'd take your husband's name and she's given herself a moment of disappointment but that's all it is. The idea that you'd make such a significant decision as to what you and your kids will be called based on your mum's momentary disappointment is daft.

EyesOnThePies · 19/02/2023 10:04

but that causes the same upset really as is taking his mums history instead of my mums

Honestly OP, if you allow your Mum’s unreasonable ‘upset’ to affect decisions about YOUR marriage like this your DH has a DW problem.

RealBecca · 19/02/2023 10:05

Just take her out of the conversation and do what you want.

Tell, dont ask. Its not a consultation and it's not for you to heal her past hurt. The name was good enough for her once upon a time and is it's your time to make your decisions and she should be helping you to enjoy that and it making it about her.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 19/02/2023 10:06

Use your mums name.

SpongeBob2022 · 19/02/2023 10:07

I do feel for your Mum but she is being unreasonable and it really annoys me when separated parents do petty things that make life difficult for their children. He's your Dad...you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him and her issues with him are not your issues. In any case if I'm reading this right you're not changing your name to your Dad's...your just keeping your existing one.

You've said you don't like the idea of double-barrelled so I don't understand why so many people are suggesting it.

I wouldn't overcomplicate it. You both prefer your name and it's nice for your children to have the best sounding name and the same name for all of you.

For your sake I hope that when you do have children, they can set their differences aside to avoid issues at family occasions etc.

Tinkerbyebye · 19/02/2023 10:07

Double barrel? If not do whatever you want it’s got nothing to do with your mother

WeWereInParis · 19/02/2023 10:10

The more I think about it, the more unreasonable I think your mother is. I assume she hasn't been upset by your surname every day since she divorced your father? So why is it suddenly an issue for you to not change your name?

AlmostSummer21 · 19/02/2023 10:14

there have been discussions about us taking DHs mothers maiden name (she doesn't use it anymore but his grandparents do). It is a very unique/nice surname but that causes the same upset really as is taking his mums history instead of my mums

Tough. You've listened to her feelings of hurt over using your Dads surname (bit odd, but whatever) but there's a limit to how many options she gets to get upset over.

using DH's grandparents name sounds lovely.

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