Surname drama after marriage

[Piglet34]

Me and my DH got married in April 2022 and we are having trouble deciding on our surname. We both definitely want to have the same surname as any potential future children.

We don't really like either of our surnames, however we do prefer mine and DH is totally happy to take mine. However the issue is that his surname happens to be my DMs surname/maiden name. From my perspective my surname is MY surname, but DM sees it as my DFs name. They divorced 20 years ago and there is still bitterness there, he cheated at the time and has now been remarried for 15 years (not to the OW) and she didn't meet someone else.

She would be upset if we took my name and went against the "tradition" of me taking DHs/her surname. We really don't like that name though, it's very common and corporate sounding. So now not sure what to do!

YABU - take DH surname to keep everyone happy even if you don't like it
YANBU - take your surname even though it will cause family upset

The other option we have been considering is creating a whole new surname (I.e. something meaningful to us) but it is very hard to think of! We can't double barrel our surnames unfortunately as they both end in "ey"

Help appreciated! 😊

Get a free trial subscription to Ancestry and do both of your family trees. Pick the best surname you find. Bonus points if you find one that appears in both your family trees.

legally the baby usually takes the mother’s surname

Traditionally not legally, there is no such law in the UK. Though the tradition seems to have become that a baby takes the father's surname even if the mother doesn't share it (not married or didn't take it).

Well if you do decide on a totally different one as a poster suggested upthread I can offer 2 amazing choices I have come across professionally- I mean I would drop my maiden name like a rock for either - Coolbear (I shit you not) and Starflinger. Hope it all works out

I went to college with a girl who had an abusive father she did not want to be associated with him so used her mums first name and added child so she became elleschild i thought it was lovely

DM does not own anyone else's name. This is YOUR name. She has no say in your marriage; she needs to get over herself and her ancient divorce.

Don't ask her opinion, or if the "minds", just present her with a fait accompli announcement of your decision. No apology, no arm around the shoulder comforting. Own your name.

You could keep your name. Husband changes to match you (as he's not bothered). Any kids use his name as a middle name. That way the history is acknowledged for your mum.

take DH surname to keep everyone happy even if you don't like it
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But its not keeping "everyone" happy. Its keeping one person happy - DM. Its also not causing "family upset". Its causing one person upset. You prefer yours, he prefers yours. Go with yours.

Or invent something new. Maybe look back into your family trees to see if there's a common surname or a relative who you admire?

Don't avoid doing something reasonable that the two of want just to keep one person happy.

Dd2 and her husband made up a new surname incorporating bits of their original surnames. I don't really like it but then it's not my surname. I do feel a bit sorry for my grandson! Dd1 was also going to do something similar but taking the first part of her surname and hypenating with his surname which doesn't look too bad (we have a long surname) but hasn't got around to it yet. She has also just renewed her passport. When they have children she'll probably do it so they all have the same surname.

Dd2 and her husband's new made up surname has similar vibes but is more Bond baddy!

I think this is a great idea. Find an ancestor you admire with a name you both love and an interesting story to tell your DC.