Surname drama after marriage

[Piglet34]

Me and my DH got married in April 2022 and we are having trouble deciding on our surname. We both definitely want to have the same surname as any potential future children.

We don't really like either of our surnames, however we do prefer mine and DH is totally happy to take mine. However the issue is that his surname happens to be my DMs surname/maiden name. From my perspective my surname is MY surname, but DM sees it as my DFs name. They divorced 20 years ago and there is still bitterness there, he cheated at the time and has now been remarried for 15 years (not to the OW) and she didn't meet someone else.

She would be upset if we took my name and went against the "tradition" of me taking DHs/her surname. We really don't like that name though, it's very common and corporate sounding. So now not sure what to do!

YABU - take DH surname to keep everyone happy even if you don't like it
YANBU - take your surname even though it will cause family upset

The other option we have been considering is creating a whole new surname (I.e. something meaningful to us) but it is very hard to think of! We can't double barrel our surnames unfortunately as they both end in "ey"

Help appreciated! 😊

You are over thinking this. Probably due to your mum.

But, aside from that, I am also wondering if you think people will judge? Particularly with your comment about future children.

I work in education - and there is no need to all have the same surname. It doesn't mean you will automatically be better parents/happier family/better behaved children. It means fuck all (not directed at you/meaning to be rude).
There are so many mixes of surnames/double-barrelled/students with surnames that are different to both parents. Or everyone has the same surname. None of these give me any information about the family...whether it is happy/parents still married...nothing. All I need to know is what to call a parent if I need to email/phone them and if they have parental responsibility. Different surnames could mean a divorce, a woman keeping her maiden name, not married....all irrelevant. Same surname could be a happy marriage - or a miserable one. Previously married but now divorced but the woman has kept her married name. Or just fluke (both had the same name when they met). Same surname...beautifully behaved children, academic, polite. Or troubled, worried, rude, anxious. Different surnames....beautifully behaved children, academic, polite. Or troubled, worried, rude, anxious.
You see?

It may not help your dilemma (or the situation with your mum) but I thought I would put my two penneth worth in.

Off topic, but - this thread reminds me of the "Sylvia Smith-Smith" series of YA books from the '80s. Sylvia's parents both happened to have the surname Smith, but they thought that if they just used Smith people would assume it was the husband's/dad's name and therefore sexist, so they hyphenated to Smith-Smith.

If you and your husband were happy with the decision to use your name before your mother spoke up, I'd stick with that. It's been your name for your whole life; there was always a good possibility you wouldn't change it/would pass it on in some form to your children.

Either blend your two names together start of one end of the other, use letters from both to create a new name or choose a new name altogether.

My sister and her wife created a new surname, something that was special to them and I think that is lovely.

I wouldn't choose either family name, just create a new one. I took Dh's because it was easy to spell and my maiden name was misspelt constantly, even when I spelled it out to people. So glad to get rid of it.

She should be glad that by keeping your name and giving that to your children you will never end up in the situation she's in, where she seems to strongly dislike her child's surname.

Mother’s opinion doesn’t matter. You and children/grandchildren will have the name long after she is gone. So suit yourselves.

Could you do an anagram of sorts, using the letters of both names (or some of them)?

I think it is better to keep your own names and double barrel but some names just don’t go together. I would keep in mind future travel with small kids. If you all have the same name it will be easier.

Thanks everyone! I think we will either go with my name or the grandparents name.

To answer people asking if she's been upset about my surname before, the answer is probably yes. She never took my fathers name and always kept her maiden name (sorry if that wasn't clear). I think she's sad we weren't always called her name as she's the one who we were with most growing up. Obviously 30 years ago it was just standard for kids to take dads name so that's what we have.

Your mother has nothing to do with your surname. Why does her opinion count?

Take your name.
It's got nothing to do with your mum.

Your update makes it even more unreasonable of your mum. Ok for her to keep her maiden name but not you?

I wish I hadn't changed my name.

@FinnRussell that's a good point I hadn't thought about it like that! Thanks :)

As you don't particularly like with of your last names, I would choose a new family name for your new family. I think it would be fun to look into the etymology of surnames and pick/create one that relates to where you live/where you met/values you hold true or your profession, is it is similar.

YANBU to do whatever you want though.

I love the idea of choosing a new surname and using it for the whole family . I wish I'd thought of it years ago, I would've done it.

I find the thread a bit baffling to be honest, the idea of dreaming up a new name is alien to me and also I cannot imagine having such strong feelings on a name anyway. I just accepted the surname I was born with and never through too much about whether I liked it or not. Likewise, I decided to change my name to my husbands when I got married and I didn’t really think about whether I liked that or not either. It just is what it is.

Your mum already named you once, she doesn’t get to do it again.

This, absolutely! Not her choice.

I also agree with @FinnRussell that it's pretty astounding that she thinks it's so unreasonable not to follow tradition and keep your maiden name when she did exactly that!

I think creating a new name from a combination of both sounds lovely. Both of you and your children will share it, your husband loses the surname he dislikes and as a bonus you've given the middle finger to the sexist tradition of taking your husband's surname. I think I'd slightly prefer that to adopting the grandparents name as that seems to honour one side of the family only whereas a combined new name would do both and also seem more special. But totally the preference of you and husband.

I think your husband is awesome by the way. I only know two other men who took their wife's surname (as opposed to a double barrel or keeping their own). One of them had a really common name and preferred his wife's more unusual one. The other one couldn't wait to ditch his surname which was Gay.

When we got married we kept our own names and the kids have both. It does mean the kids names are really long and we don't all have the same, so I think your idea of choosing a new one for all of you is brilliant and meaningful.

It's a good job we don't all think like you then!

I can understand how your mother feels. It may be your name but only because it was convention to take the father's name. If he was abusive I can understand why she wants to forget that name. Personally I would take your husbands name given that it is also your mother's name.
But ultimately it is your choice. If you really dislike his name and can't imagine using it then don't.

sexist tradition of taking your husband's surname.

I understand this but taking the father's name is equally sexist.

I agree with this.
I am not usually in favour of women changing their names after marriage but if you took his surname you'd essentially be reverting to your mother's surname and you and your DH would share a surname with 3 out of 4 of your parents, and your children will share a surname with 3 out of 4 of their grandparents. In that situation I wouldn't care too much how the name sounds (as long as it's not the kind of name that is particularly vulnerable to ridicule).
Could you keep your father's surname as a second middle name?

or not think

I understand this but taking the father's name is equally sexist.

I don't wholly disagree but:

Although I have the same surname as my father I don't think of it as his name but mine because it has been my name since birth - I didn't opt to "take" it. I would not have contemplated changing my birth surname at marriage because men don't so why should I?

Also had I decided to ditch my father's name on the basis that I considered it a sexist decision by my parents to name me thus, I would never be able to trace back far enough to identify what my matrilineal surname would have been.

Your mums argument is a bit bonkers. What if you had married someone with a name different to her maiden name? You wouldn’t be changing to “her” name then would you? It’s a nonsense red herring, she’s more upset about her relationship with your father and that’s her issue, not yours.

Also legally the baby usually takes the mother’s surname, so at the time of your birth she gave your her name as it was then. She chose to revert to her maiden name.

She had a choice to pick her name
she had a choice to pick your name
she picked what she picked and now this is the consequence
tough shit
do what works for you