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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much say do you have over your 19 years old life?

89 replies

DottyGrey · 18/02/2023 20:45

(If they still live at home).

Do they have any rules on when they go out and when they must be home by? Do you have rules like knowing who they are with and/or where they are going?

Trying to work out how to pitch it as my teen is getting older. At that age I had my own place and a child but my DC is far more immature!

OP posts:
wineandsunshine · 18/02/2023 20:49

I ask him to be respectful of younger DS's bedtime/sleep when he comes home. He has no time limit but I don't want them being woken up!

I also ask him to let me know if he's staying out at a friends or when he's going away that he lets me know he's arrived safely. I've had a couple of times when he's forgotten and a few extra grey hairs appeared!

He's a bit older at 20.

Changingplace · 18/02/2023 20:49

At that age I’d only want to know a general time they’d be back - you can’t expect to know the details of who they’re with and where they’re going unless they volunteer that information imo.

Unless they’re crashing around drunk coming home at 5am I think you should be pretty much leaving them to it.

2chocolateoranges · 18/02/2023 20:50

No rules apart from if they aren’t coming home for the night then they have to let me know.

NotTooOldPaul · 18/02/2023 20:50

At 19 I was living in my own place and did not see my parents often.
When my children were that age one daughter was married, one son was living with his girlfriend and my other son and daughter were at home.
They all had freedom to act like adults as at 19 they are old enough to decide what they want to do.
The result is that I now have four happy children all aged in their 40s and one lovely teenage grandson.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2023 20:53

Your main concern should be teaching them life skills right now so that by the time they reach 19, they'll be better prepared for adulthood. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, money management, etc, are all critical skills far too many kids aren't taught. They should already be contributing to the household's upkeep.

Notimeforaname · 18/02/2023 20:56

No you dont need to know who theyare with and when they will he back.
Once they are respectful and dont wake up the entire house. They are adults at 19

MissedItByThisMuch · 18/02/2023 20:57

I ask him to let me know if he will not be around for dinner, or out overnight. He’s pretty good at remembering to let me know, and also tells me when there’s a party so I know he’ll be very late in. Just want him to have consideration for others (me!) really.

PinkyU · 18/02/2023 20:59

My eldest is a bit older than yours and lets me know in advance when she’s going out, where and with whom she’s going with. She stays in touch during her time out and lets me if she’ll be late.

SoShallINever · 18/02/2023 20:59

No rules around alcohol (they drink plenty!) But luckily they are all anti drug.
They let us know if they are staying out overnight and let us know if their partners are staying over.
They are expected to treat our home with respect and each other with courtesy.
Sometimes they check up on DH and I, offering to pick us up from the station after nights out, so they have their uses.

Nimbostratus100 · 18/02/2023 20:59

I want him to text me if he isnt going to come home that night

I want him to fill in the calendar each week, to say if he
a- wants to eat with me or
b- wants to cook for me

I want him to be present if family or friends are visiting and want to see him

He has a 24 hour mess rule, no mess is left in a communal room for more than 24 hours - that covers most eventualities, without too much pressure on him to live in a show home

I want him to let me know in advance if someone is sleeping over

I want him to let me know in advance if people are coming to watch some crucial sports match in our living room!

I want a general friendly atmosphere with day to day conversation

I expect to be offered cups of tea!

Spotsstripes · 18/02/2023 21:02

General respect really. I ask they let me know if they're not coming home, if they want a meal with rest of family (if they don't ask they have to make their own saves me making meals that go to waste), that they keep their room reasonable, they keep the noise down when others are in bed. I dont know where they are or who they are with most of the time.

AuntieStella · 18/02/2023 21:02

I don't have any say in where they go or who they meet, but I do want some idea of what they're up to and when to expect them back (I tell them its so if they vanish and I need to call the police, I've got some idea of where they should start). Also to text me if their plans change significantly whilst out.

They don't find that intrusive or burdensome, and see it as part of consideration to cohabitants. And of course it's conversational, not laying-down-the-law interrogational.

DillDanding · 18/02/2023 21:04

Our 19 year old is at uni, but when he’s home, he’s really thoughtful about texting me to say when he’ll be back. Obviously far too old to have rules about a time etc, but I appreciate that he thinks about letting me know his whereabouts. I’m ridiculous in that I can’t sleep until he’s home, even though I have no clue what he’s up to at uni.

onepieceoflollipop · 18/02/2023 21:05

We ask that she tells us (19 year old dd) if she will be out overnight or coming home early hours. Don’t ask where she is going or who she is with however we generally know as it comes up in general chat.

she’s not long past her test so I do worry (that’s about me getting used to it and not her issue) so it does help if I know she’s not back for example till 1 am.

she’s welcome to have family meals but only if she tells us she will be there or asks me to save a portion.

I think Covid delayed me as a parent in coming to terms with her becoming a young adult - at 16/17 ish when this process would/should have been well underway, they were of course at home and we knew exactly where they were and what they were doing!

Also Covid delayed many of them learning to drive…

onepieceoflollipop · 18/02/2023 21:06

**passed her test

Nimbostratus100 · 18/02/2023 21:07

my adult son had a go at me a few days ago because I was out after dark not answering my phone! I just had my hands full of shopping for the 20 minute walk home, that was all 😂but he was pacing the hallway when I got home

Onnabugeisha · 18/02/2023 21:10

Do they have any rules on when they go out and when they must be home by? No

Do you have rules like knowing who they are with and/or where they are going? No

Theres no rules per se as they are adults. There is only request they take on adult responsibility for doing their bit with the housekeeping.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2023 21:11

Nimbostratus100 · 18/02/2023 21:07

my adult son had a go at me a few days ago because I was out after dark not answering my phone! I just had my hands full of shopping for the 20 minute walk home, that was all 😂but he was pacing the hallway when I got home

That's so sweet. He was worried about his mum. 🥰

familyissues12345 · 18/02/2023 21:12

I don't have rules over anything, but I ask to know if he's going to be home later than he thought (that I knew about), or not coming home at all, just so that I don't worry - most of his closest mates live 15-20 miles away down the motorway and country lanes. I worry about him driving in the early hours so just like to know roughly what time to expect him - it's not a rule though, there's no consequences if he doesn't.

I ask in conversation who he was out with last night etc, but just out of interest rather than checking up on him!

SunsetStrip · 18/02/2023 21:14

I was living on my own in a different country at that age, it'd be a bit rubbish if my to impose a curfew or have much say. I really like that he asks advice on the big things and asks for help when he needs it. I ask that he's respectful of others in the house when he comes home and he's really considerate most of the time.

Ducksurprise · 18/02/2023 21:20

I expect everyone that lives in my house to let me know when they will be home, and also both parents show the same respect.

So when adult DC lived here and my current older teens would message on a WA group. So fe Fri night they might message and say I won't be back until tues. DH would message and say going out with work don't expect me until the morning. I would message saying I'm away for weekend will be back...

Then for dinner, I didn't cook for anyone unless they let me know before 5pm that they wanted some.

I've had a messages saying 'I'm at the airport I won't be back for a month' from my DS who was 21 at the time. It is a weird transition time.

Furrydogmum · 18/02/2023 21:29

My oldest and his fiancée moved into their own house last Winter at 23.I don't worry about him unless I know he's going out on his motorbike! Youngest is almost 21 so covid affected his "growing up" to a degree.. I'm peri menopausal and tend to wake up for hours after midnight. My only rule is that when he goes on a night out he texts me when he is home, or lets me know if he is staying elsewhere - no strict rules, just allows me to be awake but not worrying specifically about him!

Riverlee · 18/02/2023 21:35

I have a twenty year old. Like others have said, I like to know their rough movements, ie. When they will be wfh, in the office, when they will be out and return. Partly for meals etc.

Same rules apply to dh!

Malbecfan · 18/02/2023 21:38

No rules other than basic courtesy. Mine are now 23 and 21 - the 23 yo has pretty much moved out. The 21 yo is at uni so spends her vacations with us. They share a car, which stays with us, so if one of them is going out, they always check with us/each other about lifts and they text me to let me know they arrived safely. I always ask if they will be in for dinner, and if I'm working late, DD2 will often start prepping the meal. She asks me to text her when I leave work so she can have either a cup of tea or G&T ready for me - she really is a fab daughter!

Wallywobbles · 18/02/2023 21:52

When they're traveling home (at uni abroad) they keep me apprised. Otherwise only when they want.