How much say do you have over your 19 years old life?

[DottyGrey]

(If they still live at home).

Do they have any rules on when they go out and when they must be home by? Do you have rules like knowing who they are with and/or where they are going?

Trying to work out how to pitch it as my teen is getting older. At that age I had my own place and a child but my DC is far more immature!

not exactly rules but requests for for my 18 year old ds:
I always ask that he lets me know if he’s having friends over…. I’ve no issue with the friends being over, I just like to make sure the house is clean and tidy ( that’s just a thing with me 🙈).

I ask that he lets me know if he’s staying out all night and where he’s staying.

I ask that he lets me know if he won’t be home for dinner.

He can stay up as late as he wants as long as he isn’t keeping any of us awake.

I ask that he helps a little around the house, like keep his room clean ( never happens ) and put out the rubbish or hoover the stairs sometimes…. Not a big ask.

I ask that he doesn’t come home manky drunk, falling around the place. I’ve 2 younger DCs, so don’t want them seeing this.

His girlfriend can stay over, but again, just to let us know.

I think it’s all about respect really. Once he keeps me informed, I’m happy. I’m a bit of a worrier and he knows that, so 9 times out of 10 he does let me know where he is and what time he’ll be home etc .

We have a few rules to keep a happy house for everyone. 11pm on a week night curfew as we all have work, weekends as you like just text with vague plans.
She tells me everything though so it's an easy relationship and she's very much an adult in the house

11 pm curfew for a 19 yr old!! Must be a joke?!
Just a text to say if coming home or staying over with friends is sufficient.
I would be looking to move out asap with curfews at 19!

No curfews or anything at 19, that stopped about 16.

As others have said, a quick text if planning to stay out all night …. a few times I’ve got up for a wee at 4am and seen her empty bed and that is so inconsiderate when you consider how easy it is to get in touch these days.

i don’t quiz her about where she is going but it does usually come up in general conversation.

Boyfriends can stay over if serious, no randoms in the house.

She’s fun, great company, rather messy and helps herself to my gin and wine without asking or replacing but I’ll miss her when she moves out.

I disagree, 11pm through the week when other members of the household have to be up early seems fair.

IME a 19 yer old coming in at 11pm and later is also a 19 year old messing about in the kitchen, going to the bathroom and then putting TV on/watching videos before sleeping and disturbing the peace, even if unintentionally, of a silent household.

The trick is to have all the 'general rules' in place wayyy before they hit their teens.

No point trying to enforse these rules at 19.

We don't have any prescriptive rules, he is an adult and comes and goes as he pleases, we don't baby him by giving him curfews. He keeps own room tidy, does all own laundry (except towels as they go in together), tidies after himself in rest of house, manages own finances, uni + PT work and is generally considerate. We remind him when he isn't being considerate. He asks if he needs help with anything such as he recently booked a holiday abroad with friends and asked what kind of things does he need to thing about - travel insurance, money etc.

He talks to us about what his plans are as general chat so we don't need a rule to tell us where he is going, he has a gf (for over a year now) so after a night out they are either back here or at hers (we know she is here if we see her shoes in hallway downstairs). He drinks, but has only been excessively drunk once that I am aware of. We occasionally have to ask him to be aware of others in the house if he and gf get back at 3am and are a bit noisy, he apologises and takes it on board.

The main sticking point we have is him letting is know if /when he will be home for dinner and if he is eating early (if he is working). He can make his own and does regularly but it is nice to sit when together (and less food/energy wastage) if he lets us know in advance his plans around dinner time.

My belief is you get until they are 18 to raise them, instill good values and prepare them for adulthood, when they reach it you just need to hope you did it right but be there is they need advice/support.

@Rodneyisaplonker and Rodney is not the only one.....
It's polite to tell the people who live you if you aren't returning home. I like to put the chain across my door which I can't do if he is returning. Also If any of them would like to entertain I will make myself scarce.
You know good manners Rodders

An 11pm curfew on a school night isnt about the curfew, if is about still not treating/accepting them as an adult and enforcing arbitary rules rather than having taught them to be considerate - be quiet around the house, use head phones etc.

Do they need to go to bed before 11pm too/not allowed to use bathroom /go to kitchen?

A 19 year old wont act like an adult if you still treat them as a child.

Very few, basic ones. Keep things tidy after yourself, keep the noise down late at night and give us an idea of when you expect to be home (though he does that anyway, without prompting). That’s about it really.

No she can do what she wants quietly but at 11pm if she's staying out a quick text to let me know is sufficient and if she's coming home then to be home by that time. She's fully aware of why we do that )I have to be up at 6 and on a train for work and her coming in often wakes me) It's just a bit of respect that works both ways, if I'm staying out over a weekend I also let her know. She's perfectly happy with it, most nights she's in earlier or at her boyfriends anyway as she also commutes to uni twice a week and works the other days. She can't think it's that bad if she's stayed home for uni!

When DC is home from Uni there are some basic rules.

If you're out it's courtesy to let us know when you'll be back. If that changes, again it's courtesy to let us know. That way we'll know not to wonder if it's you downstairs or a burglar!

Letting us know where you're going and who with is for your benefit so if anything happens we can help.

Don't cook late at night. You can have toast, but no bacon frying!

Tidy up after yourself.

Luckily this works for us! We also have an online family diary so can add stuff in so we are aware of key events eg family mail get together so they know not to double book.

Don't make a lot of noise when you're coming in.

Let me know if you're home for food in advance so I don't waste food and my time and effort cooking for you.

Mine’s at uni but when he’s home he’s expected to give us a vague outline of his plans. Last night he went into town and told us he’d probably go to a club and would get a night bus home, we know the last bus is 3am so that’s fine. He Snapchats me a few times while he’s out. Although he’s a typical student alcohol wise he’s a pretty good homing pigeon at the end of the night.
also we have family sharing on find my iPhone so if he’s out really late we can see where he is if needs be.

No, no rules about going out except telling me in advance if they require feeding. We also ask out of curtesy that the text if they are not coming home or are bringing their boyfriends back (as both have long distance relationships this isn't currently an issue, I know in advance they are visiting). House rules around chores are routinely ignored

Both dd and dsd (who live with us full time) have trackers on their phones out of choice for emergency use, this is very much their decision on safety grounds and I have the pin to trace them. I'm not advocating that you demand this but they decided that it was a sensible thing to do after high profile disappearances in the news

Ps they demand we tell them if we are going away too

My oldest is at uni, so I don’t have much say at all. She likes to speak on the phone when she is walking home herself, so I do know to that extent what she is up to.
When she is home, she arranges her own schedule. If I am needed to give a lift or she will be out for dinner, then she lets me know. She also lets me know if she is having friends over. She’s no trouble at all. She is actually very considerate about being home by a reasonable hour in the evening.

Don't currently have a 19 year old. Oldest 22 - comes and goes as she likes. Lets us know if she is staying away or having someone to stay. She has a double bed plus sofa bed in her room so she sorts out the sleeping arrangements.

She works shifts so often comes home after we are asleep - we ask her to keep the noise down which she does but I wake anyway sometimes. Left her key at home last week so got a call at 1.30 am but this isn't usual.

She doesn't generally eat with us (has a poor diet but hey ho.....) but I will offer her what we have if appropriate and keep ready meals on standby (I like having left overs for lunch so usually cook more than we actually need, depending on what it is).

She doesn't like being asked who she is seeing but I only ask out of interest. I trust her to know what she is doing.

Youngest not 18 yet. We always check when she will be home and ask where she is going. She is sometimes evasive or lies but mostly upfront. She is good at communicating when out so that works for us. She's still dependent on us emotionally to an extent and mostky accepts the restrictions- just negotiates later pick up times!

At 19 I guess they are in between these two stages. But I think the rules depend on the young person. Youngest has depressive episodes so we keep more tabs on her than we might otherwise.

I'm not a parent of a teen, but I was around 19 and lived at home I would tell my DM my full plans for a night out (I don't even think she asked!) but her only rules were :
to let her know if I was coming home or staying out, text if plans changed wrt where I was sleeping
and always get a taxi home even if I had no money as she would rather me wake her at 2am to ask for taxi fare than find out something had happened to me because I couldn't afford to get home! (That only happened once because I'd lost my purse!)

And they were pretty easy to stick to, so I don't think I was hugely disrespectful to her

Dd is 21yo now. She stayed at home and went to the local uni. She had full independence, no curfew, no rules, nothing. Although I did ask her if she was staying out unplanned overnight could she text me to tell me so if I woke up at 4am and she wasn’t home I didn’t panic. She could bring boys back, whatever. I wanted her to have the same independence as if she’d gone away to uni, well as much as possible.

I have a 16 year old at home and a 19 year old at uni.
They don't have to tell me where they are going and who with but I expect to be told what time they think they'll be home by and whether or not they need dinner that night.
If they are running late then they text me a new time but the 16yo in particular is good at making his way home at the time he said he'd be home by.

On the few occasions I stay out late, I get a "what time you back? Are you OK?" text off my eldest. When I get in I get a "what time do you call this mother?" 😂
I had to move back in with my mum a few years ago at 32, and had similar rules. Text if you're going to be out late late, or not coming home. Be quiet. Tidy up after yourself.

No curfews as at Uni.

But definitely courtesy of telling me if they will join us for dinner, aren't coming home, and a quick text "home" so I can have peace of mind if I'm wondering are they in at 3am etc.

Mine are mostly moderate drinkers.

Heads up if a friend needs a bed, but I have everything downstairs ready for them to pull out if they do.

Thankfully no issues with consideration re noise coming in late at night, but extra toothbrushes downstairs in the loo for those nights really help..

I suppose having a calm conversation re the noise and how it cannot continue would be a start.

There would be consequences to me being tired from being disturbed, like the use of No to doing anything for him.

The gym wouldn't be paid either if it continued.

It's not youth that would cause someone to be persistently noisy and disturbing other people in the house, it would be a basic lack of consideration for others.

If he's out late and noisy, then early morning ruckus of the radio would give him a nice similar taste.😁

I actually would come fown very hard on him being unkind to a sibling, completely unacceptable IMO.

Kindness to each other is very important.
Likewise if the 8 year old is being a pest, it needs addressing.

I think it is ridiculous to give a 19 yo any sort of curfew, my expectation is that they are quiet and do not wake people up, esp during the working week. My 17 yo doesn't even have an 11pm curfew (well he doesnt have a curfew as he's almost an adult), TBF he often works till later than that so it would be unrealistic.

If they repeatedly don't do as we ask then we would then discuss some sort of curfew I guess but mine are generally quite considerate and don't use the kitchen or make lots of noise in the bathroom etc.

Other expectations are that they contribute to keep house clean/tidy, doing some cooking and other chores but that should be happening before they are 19.