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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much say do you have over your 19 years old life?

89 replies

DottyGrey · 18/02/2023 20:45

(If they still live at home).

Do they have any rules on when they go out and when they must be home by? Do you have rules like knowing who they are with and/or where they are going?

Trying to work out how to pitch it as my teen is getting older. At that age I had my own place and a child but my DC is far more immature!

OP posts:
Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 21:56

Is this a serious question or is it a reverse, other than be respectful then you’ve no say over an adults life. What an odd question.

KangarooKenny · 18/02/2023 21:58

I want to know if he will be here for dinner, and I want to know before 10pm if he’s coming home or not, so I can put the chain on the front door.

Bayleaf25 · 18/02/2023 22:03

Absolutely no rules but no waking me up when you come in and if you’re not coming home please drop me a text so I don’t worry.

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 22:04

I’m and even fathom asking this. What would need to be wrong with you you’d think you’d have a say other than treat the house with respect.

JaceLancs · 18/02/2023 22:04

To let me know if not coming home
whether in or out for meals
to ask permission for someone to sleep over (male or female)
if away for more than one night what day they will be back
I do the same bar permission for visitors but I do let them know if I have someone coming to stay

Kladebs · 18/02/2023 22:08

I just ask that she lets me know if she won't be coming home, and just let me know she's safe.
She always asks before inviting anyone round overnight, so that's not a worry.
That's pretty much it.

MagentaRocks · 18/02/2023 22:11

I think just basic knowledge if won’t be home, not asking permission but just letting you know so you don’t worry, and the usual respect for the house etc.

MysteryBelle · 18/02/2023 23:07

Nimbostratus100 · 18/02/2023 21:07

my adult son had a go at me a few days ago because I was out after dark not answering my phone! I just had my hands full of shopping for the 20 minute walk home, that was all 😂but he was pacing the hallway when I got home

I love this ❤️

Runnerduck34 · 18/02/2023 23:11

I want to know what time she's coming home or if she's staying at a friend's. Through conversation I know where's she's going and who she's with.

DramaAlpaca · 18/02/2023 23:29

Mine are older now, but at that age the only rule was to let me know if they were staying out overnight. I figured that as adults anything else was none of my business, but they'd often tell me in conversation where they were going and who they'd be with.

Spottymushroom · 18/02/2023 23:47

The only rules I have for mine are
1- let me know if you are staying out
2- never get in the car with anyone who has been drinking or taking drugs. I don’t care where you are or what time it is I will come and get you or send the money for you to get home. I have never had to but I want them to know there is always another way to get home.

AuntieStella · 19/02/2023 06:46

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 22:04

I’m and even fathom asking this. What would need to be wrong with you you’d think you’d have a say other than treat the house with respect.

Avoiding worrying the other residents is treating the house with respect. Because it's way more than bricks and mortar.

So knowing when people are going to be in or out is important - not least so you know when to be worried, when not to be worried, and when to start ringing round.

They're not unrelated flatmates (but even if they were, you'd want to know the basics, so if they didn't turn up you knew whether/when to call someone). Just because they've turned 18, it doesn't mean they can start treating the place like a hotel, with all the anonymity that gives. Living en famille is more than a housing choice, it's a relationship choice too.

Judesmommy34 · 19/02/2023 06:51

Hey i just wanted to jump in and say at 19 i had a 2 bedroomed house with a baby and a toddler, if my mom asked me to let her know id arrived somewhere safley id of laughed, i think asking for respect such as dont come in drunk waking the whole house up is totally resonable, but i think asking times hes hone or if hes staying out orr to message when arriving is ridiculous (sorry)
I wonder is he paying rent or keep to you?
Also as parents we never want to cut the apron strings but we do have to let them fly. Allow them to make their own mistakes in life
Each time they will come back for guidance
I think aswell we have to look at our own issues, is this me being controlling? Is that something i can work on? Etc

AuntieStella · 19/02/2023 06:59

The opening post is clear that this is about adult children who still live at home. Not those who have already moved out.

And I doubt very much anyone is vetoing what they do. Instead they're talking about what each and every person in the household is up to (generally family members talk to each other) and giving the sorts of info that mean no-one needs to worry about them.

There's a world of difference between waking to find the person you expected to be home at 3ish simply absent, and waking to a text saying "decided to stay at Jane's, back in time for lunch".

BG2015 · 19/02/2023 07:04

Very little.

He's on an apprenticeship, plus a part time job, drives and has a girlfriend and loads of mates. He goes to the gym, plays football and the pub.

His room and ensuite is disgusting, I don't go in there. He brings his washing down which I do, but he will do his own washing if desperate. I don't clean his bedroom or make his bed.

He's happy, loving life,funny, polite and good company. He's an adult and I think I've done a good job (single parent).

Changechangechanging · 19/02/2023 07:18

I have one at uni but living at home. He cooks for himself cos he's fussy. Comes and goes as he wants but just let's me know if he's not coming home. He works as he's saving to buy a flat so I don't see him much. He's great, no trouble

Dyslexicwonder · 19/02/2023 08:06

Leave the kitchen and bathroom in a usable state
Keep the noise down after 10:30pm
Don't encourage vermin by keeping food in your room.
Let me know if you are staying out.
I think that's it really.

Ds is 19 next month.

grayhairdontcare · 19/02/2023 08:10

Let me know if they are staying out and what days they will be eating family meals.

bowlingalleyblues · 19/02/2023 08:22

My parents were quite hands off (1990s)

  1. must have a job and/or be in education. As long as i was a student they gave me an allowance towards those costs.
  2. must help around the house (although I remember being quite grumbly and not knowing how to use the washing machine properly) so I think that it was just do what’s asked, keep room clean
  3. Say where I was going, who with, roughly what time I’d be back and call if I wasn’t coming back.
  4. attend family events, talk to / respond to parents - we got on so this wasn’t an issue, but I think they would have pulled me up on ‘being part of the family’ if I’d tried to avoid spending any time with the rest of them.

I remember they weren’t keen on my new boyfriend staying over (he was awful, and they’d never met him - but I remember arguing about that - they were right about him though!). They also didn’t like me smoking in my room- again, they were right but I used to do it at the time.

These are rules that I’d expect of any adult flatmate, but with an added aspect that (a) you are the home owner so you get to set the rules and (b) at 19 they will still need you to teach them a few things and to make some mistakes!

Nimbostratus100 · 19/02/2023 08:26

Spottymushroom · 18/02/2023 23:47

The only rules I have for mine are
1- let me know if you are staying out
2- never get in the car with anyone who has been drinking or taking drugs. I don’t care where you are or what time it is I will come and get you or send the money for you to get home. I have never had to but I want them to know there is always another way to get home.

this, you dont need to be contacted, or send money, if you have an emergency taxi cash stash at home - we always had this, my chidren could get a taxi home from anywhere at any time, and the taxi fare was waiting at home - it was never used.

But since then, as a modern update! I have allowed my credit card to be added to their "uber" account, as an emergency back up, so they can get home - and that has been used once in the last 5 years

Original poster
DottyGrey · 19/02/2023 09:07

Interesting answers. So with that, what if they break the rules, what are the real consequences? I'd appreciate realistic strategies rather than "they'll have to move out" as I think very few parents would kick out their child for being inconsiderate!

So if they go out all night and don't tell you, what happens if you speak to them but they keep doing it?

If they disturb the house late at night, what do you do about that if talking doesn't work?

I don't have any major issues with my DS but he's immature and at 19 has lost that transition due to the pandemic. Suddenly I have an adult DS and I need to change the parenting from what it used to be and I'm not quite sure how to do that.

Recently he was loud on his computer mic after midnight so when he didn't quieten down after repeatedly being asked, I changed the WiFi password which caused a lot of huffing and puffing.

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 19/02/2023 09:11

Both mine left home when they were 18 and I was married with a baby and in our own (grotty, rented) flat at that age, so I'm not entirely sure what my rules would have been, but I think much the same as when my very adult daughter comes home for a visit now - as in I ask her to let me know what meals she will be home for and to give me an idea when she thinks she will be home if she goes out, and to let me know if she is going to be late or not going to be home, so that I don't worry. Otherwise it would be about clearing up their own mess, checking whether anyone else has washing to go in the machine when they do theirs (which is what I would do), paying a fair contribution to all the household expenses and having respect for others in the house with regard to belongings, noise etc. (Which is again what I would do). I don't like strangers (or even not strangers) staying in the house so overnight visitors I didn't know well would not have been allowed, but I am well aware that a lot of people would think that was unreasonable.

Original poster
DottyGrey · 19/02/2023 09:18

I guess to contribute on the other side too, he keeps his room fairly clean - we have a cleaner once a week and my rule is if the room isn't tidy I tell the cleaner to stay out. When things are spilt in his room he will by his own choice get the carpet cleaner on his carpet. He will regularly change his bedding and does all of his own washing. He will load/unload the dishwasher on instruction and occasionally when he's around and it's needed he will empty the bin.

He is still at college and has a P/T job but still gets pocket money due to receipt if child maintenance and he still expects me to pay his gym membership. He doesn't drink much and doesnt smome, vape or do drugs (thankfully - we do talk about this and did vape at one point but stopped quickly as hes quite health conscious).

He is not kind or patient with his 8 Yr old sibling which is a huge bug bare and demonstrates how he is not an adult yet!

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 19/02/2023 09:50

no, I have no consequences, I cant really, as this is an adult-2-adult situation

occasional reminders if something slips

but I dont see this really as a parenting situation any more

If there was a serious breakdown in the relationship, obviously they would need to leave, but nothing like that seems likely.

My son at home is working, and some of his workmates are in rented accommodation, poor quality and expensive, so he knows which side his bread is buttered!

worried4698643 · 19/02/2023 09:54

Haven't got a 19YO, however I had 2 rules when I was that age.

  1. Always let parents know if I was staying out for the night.
  2. No matter the time or place, always call if you need a lift and can't get a taxi.