How much say do you have over your 19 years old life?

[DottyGrey]

(If they still live at home).

Do they have any rules on when they go out and when they must be home by? Do you have rules like knowing who they are with and/or where they are going?

Trying to work out how to pitch it as my teen is getting older. At that age I had my own place and a child but my DC is far more immature!

Both mine are under 18 and we currently expect a text to let us know where they are and what time they are coming home. They also let me know when they are on their way so I know they are safe etc. I'm not sure if this is acceptable after they are 18 but I hope they would feel it is considerate for the time they are living at home.

None whatsoever unless they ask for my help/advice

I have about to be 19 year old at home, and her boyfriend also lives with us! As we live in the middle of nowhere they don't really go out, but may go and stay with a friend overnight nearer to the town. DD always tells me when and where they are going but it's not a rule that she has to tell us, it's just something she and her siblings have always done. DD and her boyfriend are very helpful around the house, do their own cooking, washing, own food shopping. As DD isn't currently working due to a bad injury and her boyfriend is at college and has a pt job we don't ask for monetary contribution towards electricity, water etc. They help out with cleaning, washing up etc on top of cleaning their own room and washing their own cooking things.

DCs free to come and go from about age 16 here. The only condition was that grades in school had to be maintained. It was up to them to balance their commitments and prioritise.

@Spottymushroom

YYY to your post.

I also had a policy of picking them up from any party they were at if they needed to come home, no questions asked, and their friends were welcome to come with them.

Before they headed out I had them tell me their plans for getting home. If no plans, they had to come up with some.

My DCs were all away at university from age 18, and only one has returned for any length of time since then.

We have very few rules at that age

1. you don’t lie to me - there’s never any need to.
2. if you’re doing recreational drugs - and far more kids are doing that than their parents will admit to - you don’t bring them into my house - I won’t have my younger children put at any risk
3. whatever you do, if you need me, I’ll be standing by your side, but you don’t get to hide behind me. No curfew By that age, they should already have enough respect for you, not to rouse the household coming home late, bar the odd occasion - which, let’s be h9nest, we’ve all done at times.

DS is nearly 20 and I know all his plans, where he's going and who with, when he's due home etc, often a messages me when he's out, it's just the way it's always been, younger DCs are the same

I always pick my daughters up too, if I'm out and they need transport I book and pay for a cab. It just eases my mind as I know they are safe

This is a bit nuts.. Changing the WiFi password to stop a 19 year old talking too loudly on a mic, 11pm curfew. At 19 I came and go as I pleased and just tried to not make too much noise if I came in the middle of the night.

Your posts sound like something I’d expect for a 15 year old. Definitely being unreasonable.

I have slightly younger dc but around the same age. Just about to go to uni.
We expect tidiness and general help with the running of the house.
Quiet after 10pm as we have early starts
We like them to give us notice of friends coming over snd sleeping over as we are exhausted at the weekends.
I do like to know who she is with, but I don’t expect to Know. I just drop it into the conversation.
I am respectful of her need for privacy and her own routines. We get on really well, most of the time.

I agree the 19 year olds shouldn’t be shouting on a mic when others are sleeping, they are adults and should know better.

I disagree, 11pm through the week when other members of the household have to be up early seems fair.

It isn't fair, in fact it is dangerous. Miss the curfew and then have no where to go until the morning. Leave before everyone else and go home alone because you have to be home by 11, dangerous.

Exactly, but they are adults and it should be discussed like adults. Having to turn the WiFi off shows an immaturity on both sides, maybe caused by the OP still treating their 19 year old like a child.

I agree, kids don't become adults overnight, the OP suggests in their post that suddenly they feel they need to review their parenting of an adult DC. This should be done throughout their life, eg from 12/13 I expect my DCs to manage their bed times and getting themselves up, if they are tired then they need to sort out earlier bedtimes, obviously I guide them but they need to learn these skills. We don't ban devices either as we trust them, break our trust and we will review things.

Same with going out in the evenings, obv we used to arrange it all for them and drop off/pick up, now they have to arrange that, obv we will check they have a safe way home (or offer a lift) but they need to gradually become independent. They know what we expect with regards to being awake after us. DS2 (15) has had a warning this week as I specifically requested that after 11pm he was quiet as our dog is recovering from surgery ans i had been up a lot the night before. He had some friends over so I told him that if they were staying then blow up beds needed to be sorted before 11 and they needed to be quiet.

They blew the beds up at 1am and were laughing and talking loudly. DS has been warned that if it happens again then everyone is out by 11pm. He is only 15 so he has plenty of time till he's an adult but he is learning those boundaries and making mistakes now so hopefully as an adult we won't even need these discussions.