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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Starting to look pretty shit

252 replies

givemeenergyplease · 18/02/2023 18:40

Me, I am.

I’m 45, have a 5 year old and just recently I’ve started to get to the stage where I look not great and nothing helps. For example, before I could slap some tinted moisturiser on, mascara etc and look ok and quite presentable…recently, I have such puffy under eyes (no idea why 🤷🏻‍♀️) my skin is so dry…I even now use the big blue Nivea tin at night and it’s the only time my skin feels nice. My hair is dry and without that shine or gloss..used to like my long, dark hair. Now when I put even a light foundation on it almost looks worse and highlights any lines/creases. I want to feel and look good with a glow, what can I do? I know I don’t drink enough water, so I’m working hard on that (often have kidney stones, think it’s due to not drinking enough) I don’t drink much at all these days, maybe four times a year, if that. I haven’t smoked for years. I don’t work out as find it hard to find the time, take the dog for walks most days though, but I know that’s not enough. I live in a sunny place but wear sunglasses and full factor on my face, admittedly not daily, need to get better at this and not just do it when sunbathing.
Any help/tips? Anyone been the same and turned it around?
I realise it could be peri menopause, although don’t really have any of the other symptoms..always tired, but put that down the having a v active child!

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 19/02/2023 00:28

It is unusual for a women of your age to be having so many kidney stones. I'd take a serious look at your diet. Puffy under eyes on waking is a classic kidney sign, also a sign of too much salt in your diet, which again strains the kidneys.

givemeenergyplease · 19/02/2023 00:35

@milkyaqua Ive had them on and off since I was 26 unfortunately, been to specialist who couldn’t find any real cause, just to drink more water 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
ProlapsedPropellerShaft · 19/02/2023 00:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Whatafliberty · 19/02/2023 00:47

You have already said some of it. Exercise more and drink loads. Think of what happens to a plant without enough water? Also, use beauty flash balm and a good eye cream as well as your nivea. Just use under eye cover up such as touche eclate. You will soon see a difference xxx

squidgybits · 19/02/2023 00:54

water, water, water and also not giving a flying rats fart helps massively

Meterry · 19/02/2023 01:04

I feel the same op, I currently avoid mirrors Blush

Pipps80 · 19/02/2023 01:10

Invest in botox twice a year, get a good CE ferulic serum and glycolic acid twice a day morning and evening. That's all you need once you're 40+

Nersa · 19/02/2023 01:32

@givemeenergyplease

Let me first say I hear you because I've been there.

Now 64, will be 65 in April, and am always being complimented on my smooth, wrinkle-free skin and disbelief when I share my age which I am not ashamed to admit.

You acknowledge that you have a very active 5 year old. Your little one sounds healthy and happy! And you walk your dog 'most days'. If you 'often have kidney stones' - ouch! because I've only had one in my life and hope and pray I never get another. So yes, drink more water - its free and has amazing benefits for the whole body. Cranberry juice is delicious but can be diluted if you find the taste too strong and drinking that regularly counts as part of your overall fluid intake, keeps UTI's at bay and helps flush the kidneys, so worth consideration. Similarly, Pomegranate tea is delicious and it doesn't matter if it gets cold either because you forgot to drink it hot or just didn't get time - cover the mug, bob into the fridge and drink it chilled later! Pomegranate is great for allsorts of things and you can buy a good sized box of two bags cheaply on Amazon UK.

Hairdresser visit should be a priority as they can advise on cut, style and more importantly (for me) easy-maintenance. Even if you have to go shorter (and that's not always a bad thing) if you're better able to manage your hair it looks and you'll feel so much better generally.

Puffy eyes - could be lack of sleep, too much sugar, or an undiagnosed health issue so yes, cut down on the sugar (we all should) but also see GP if you can first to get blood tests done to rule out anything health-wise. If all well there, then either a cold compress (just fold a facecloth and soak it in really cold water, wring and put under each eye just for 5 mins in the morning, or a couple of tablespoons in the fridge overnight and a 5 min lie down in the morning with the spoons UNDER the eyes works wonders!

Thankfully I'm through the menopause now, but I did suffer. Just rest when you can and try to wear loose, comfortable clothing. Cotton leggings with a nice t-shirt and cardy or other kind of top will look nice and you won't feel so dowdy.

Skincare...you will save an absolute fortune and massively reduce anxiety and worry if you use 100% pure organice Jojoba oil! Just that. You can use it on a pad as a cleanser, or a small amount massaged in with fingers and then a soft dampened pad to 'wipe' off, but the oil is fast absorbed, non-sticky, and is wonderful for skin, hair, cuticles and nails so a really very good all-rounder! Unless you prove allergic, which is rare, Jojoba oil is all you'll ever need. And you'll see (and feel) visible results within a week. A little rubbed into the scalp will feed the hair roots, a great conditioner. Rubbed into the elbows, heels, anywhere you have dry or flaky skin. If you have hard skin, warm a little oil in a small bowl within a bigger bowl - pour the hot water into the bigger bowl and sit the smaller bowl inside so the oil warms, and if its nails just sit for 10 mins with your nails in the oil, if its elbows or heels, obviously rub well in with fingers and your nails still get the benefit as do your hands. Honestly, unless you're allergic this is the only skincare you will ever need. And when your facial skin has visibly improved and you want to apply a little make-up, then just a light tinted moisturiser and a shade-to-suit lipgloss/stick is adequate. You'll already have a healthy glow from your new skincare routine so not likely to need blusher. Many are allergic to mascara but you could use a good quality hypoallergenic brand if necessary.

I apologise if I'm coming over like some kind of know-it-all. Not my intention because I certainly do not know it all. I just know that Jojoba really works, my skin is glowing and wrinkle-free, I don't spend money on a ton of products I really don't need (beauty industry targets womens' insecurities around appearance and constantly condemn us for daring to look 'natural' or show our age in any way) and as I said, I'm fortunate to receive a lot of compliments on my skin and people don't believe how old I am when I tell them. Its a lovely thing to hear that but more importantly my care routine is simple and therefore manageable, 'cheap' and readily available.

I wish you well and hope you would return at some point to post on your progress because I see a lot of posts just like yours, and I feel for the ladies who make them, and although much good advice is given the OP's so rarely update to say if anything worked for them and how they're feeling now.

Well done for reaching out for support of your own self-care, and good luck to you.

wendywiseword1924 · 19/02/2023 01:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OldFan · 19/02/2023 02:00

@lobeliasb Vanity is a sin. And God made us the way we are so arguably we shouldn't change our actual bodies in some unnatural way. The bible also shows that the aging of someone's face is to be praised as showing wisdom etc.

But I still don't want to be single forever. Grin

A day or so after I got fillers, a youtube channel I subscribed to made a vid about them, well cosmetic procedures, giving the above points. They didn't even really mention the vanity thing.

Something doesn't have to be specifically mentioned in the bible for us to glean biblical principles that apply to it- otherwise we could do whatever we wanted with anything made or starting after about 382 AD. Smile

Also, think of all the Godly things that money could've been spent on. Either to good causes, or to my own spiritual improvement by buying books or a conference or something.

palelavender · 19/02/2023 02:27

I'm in my late 50s. I do care about how I look. People do think I am younger - a few years ago somebody thought I had small children - they were a little surprised to find out my children were in their twenties.

I suspect your puffy eyes might be caused by putting moisturiser around them. It can often make eyes puff up. I sleep with the bedhead slightly raised -a few bits of wood to raise it slightly. Strangely, it was the contraceptive pill in my case which made my eyes puff up - I tried brand after brand before a specialist said the active ingredients obviously combined with something in my body and caused the problem. (Oddly, I didn't have puffy eyes when I was pregnant.)

What I find helps is really light makeup. I just put a little foundation on my centre panel and my undereyes. The undertone to a foundation makes a huge difference - whether it's pink/blue or yellow. If you suit autumnal colours you're probably warm. If you look like death warmed up in camel/mustard/chartreuse then you need pink toned makeup. I look very odd in yellow based foundation even if it is light enough for my pale Celtic skin. I put a little brown shadow round the outer edges of my eyes and have the top line going slightly up.

I put retinova on at night. I wear sunscreen during the day. I occasionally use Cetaphil to wash my face in the shower. I use a hot warm microfibre cloth at night to take my make off. (I have lots of allergies and can't use eye make up remover because it puffs my eyes up.)

I have had the lines from my nose to my mouth filled - very subtle and absolutely undetectable and has been very long lasting. I have some botox in my frown lines and crows feet. Whenever my husband asks why I am looking anxious I make a booking. All the work on my face has been done by a dermatologist and a plastic surgeon - I wouldn't dream of putting my face in the hands of a beautician.

My hair is now a lightish blonde. I have a single process colour regularly. It's longish and I wash it every second day. I get the hairdresser to put a conditioning treatment on when she colours it. I don't have dry skin and I don't use moisturiser. I had bad skin in my youth and the dermatologist told me to never use a moisturise or I would break out. Every decade or so I try it out and he's been proved totally right.

I think more than ever you need to wear clothes that are flattering. Pick a colour that you look good in and wear lots of it. And I have reluctantly given up polo necks because the contrast with my jaw line was not a good look. A boat or crew neck or v neck is infinitely more flattering.

hotfairballoon · 19/02/2023 02:49

Hi OP, I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been suggested, but please get your thyroid checked. Puffy eyes, dry skin etc are all symptoms of hypothyroidism and you're in the prime age group for that to start. You don't have to have all the symptoms - although if you look, many more may resonate with you than you describe. Very similar symptoms to perimenopause and it could be both. I just wanted to suggest this based on my experience.

aonbharr · 19/02/2023 03:20

hotfairballoon · 19/02/2023 02:49

Hi OP, I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been suggested, but please get your thyroid checked. Puffy eyes, dry skin etc are all symptoms of hypothyroidism and you're in the prime age group for that to start. You don't have to have all the symptoms - although if you look, many more may resonate with you than you describe. Very similar symptoms to perimenopause and it could be both. I just wanted to suggest this based on my experience.

I am tired of seeing hypothyroidism mentioned on every single thread. Health or beauty, 20 years of it and it does nothing. On the drug, off the drug, high, low, half the thyroid removed, it is like fool's gold. 50% of the population must be on this drug now. I do realise for some people it may work, so sorry @hotfairballoon I know you mean well and it may have done something for you; but in reality it doesn't really cure all ills as this forum would suggest, it is mentioned so much.

Everyonehasavoice · 19/02/2023 03:58

For hair,
I always noticed when on hols in Ireland, at my grandads, we had no running water in the house so had to use rain water from the barrel or spring water a few fields away!!! I digress😳. But. Soft water from rain is so amazing for the hair ( and body ). Hard water is very drying.

So fit a softener to your shower head

I stopped using Olaplex after the scare story in the telegraph re hair loss and started using olive oil instead. Massage into hair leave overnight.

Aloe Vera , I use banana boat range, to keep your skin hydrated. Again amazing.

Sun cream all year round on any bit of skin on show. Don’t forget your hands, before you know it age spots will appear from nowhere.

Apart from that, foods with omega3, iron, protein and vit D3 ( if you take vit d supplement you must take vit k aswell )
Im a vegetarian so I take a veggie omega supplement then eat masses of greens, avocados, seitan, fruit.

Drink water,

Back to my grandad.
When he was Ill and the doctor saw him he said he’d never seen skin so amazing on a person in their 90s.

No running water so he bathed in butter milk ( no water but lots of cows ).
Cleopatra had the right idea.!😉

hotfairballoon · 19/02/2023 04:03

@aonbharr I have not said once that treatment for hypothyroidism will cure all ills related to it? I have had a long and sad journey with my treatment too, but it doesn't stop the fact that the OPs symptoms may in fact be reflective of a medical condition. Whether being medicated would make her look better, I can't say, but it would certainly help her health not continue to deteriorate and you know, survive.
Yes I mean well, and no where did I make any wild claims about treatment being a cure all. The reason you will see it mentioned so much on threads is because, like you and I, it's extremely common in women in this age group, usually diagnosed at a much later stage than it should and generally a women's illness (far more common in women).

NovelFarmer · 19/02/2023 05:32

Fillers are not a sin.
Instead of linking youtube how about you actually quote the Bible to prove your point.

Turkeyneck101 · 19/02/2023 06:10

Totally understand this, hate how I look at the minute. Was well overweight before now walking and intermittent fasting have helped me lose some weight but its making my face especially more wrinkled and I now have a permanent wattle. All suggestions on how to reduce the wattle without a surgical facelift greatly received.

Makes me mad though...bet you men aren't out there negatively scrutinising themselves the way women do. 😒

HarlanPepper · 19/02/2023 06:51

Pipps80 · 19/02/2023 01:10

Invest in botox twice a year, get a good CE ferulic serum and glycolic acid twice a day morning and evening. That's all you need once you're 40+

The word 'need' is doing a lot of work in this suggestion.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 19/02/2023 06:57

Flossiemoss · 18/02/2023 20:56

Have you had your thyroid checked?
i had puffy eyes - turns out it was thyroid related . Also had the thinning hair and dry skin and tiredness. I’d start there- if it’s not thyroid then everything everyone else has said.

I was going to say the same.

I'm also not averse to supplements, but various vitamins shouldn't be taken with others, so a multivitamin isn't the best idea.

A good vitamin D supplement with K2 is a good start.

BensonStabler · 19/02/2023 07:25

placemarking… I feel your pain

ittakes2 · 19/02/2023 08:09

I had a green peel (fruit acid peel) at about 38 and lost 10 years off my face in one week. I lost wrinkles on my forehead that at 52 now have still not come back. One peel can be better than Botox because they reduce the wrinkles but last for longer.

Perfectlystill · 19/02/2023 08:17

OldFan · 18/02/2023 23:38

As a Christian, it is kind of a sin to do fillers etc. As we're not supposed to care about things like that, and getting older should be something that gains respect.

But I want to pull one day. Grin

I missed this in RE lessons. Can you point me to the relevant bit in the Bible?

Perfectlystill · 19/02/2023 08:24

Resister · 18/02/2023 23:36

Why do you care? It's perfectly appropriate for you to lose your looks at this age. You've had a good innings and can now focus on other aspects of yourself. (I'm the same age)

I hate this attitude. It kind of absolves you from feeling you ought to look after yourself/lift a finger/do some exercise.

You should because you will feel better. And people who love you will feel happy you haven't given up. It's a sign of depression to stop caring what you look like.

I have no wish to look sexy but I do want to look nice and not let myself go physically. It's the same on the intellectual plane - I want to carry on doing stimulating things: reading literary books, going to new exhibitions, reading articles in news magazines to educate myself. I could say 'why bother, you'll never sit an exam again, you've had your time' and sink into supermarket thrillers. But I don't want to do that.

Also with the state of the NHS I think we all need to look after ourselves as best we can for as long as we can. At 50 we are (mostly) well capable of exercising several times a week, and so we should.

Breadhead1 · 19/02/2023 08:26

I bought a water bottle with the times on the side. It's great for keeping track otherwise it gets to 4pm and I realise I haven't had much water. I get kidney stones too if I don't keep the fluids up.

Starting to look pretty shit