To think the language of ‘choice’ is not always helpful

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

Of course access to contraception and reproductive health services is a Very Good Thing and is linked in clear and obvious ways to improvements in health and economic outcomes for women globally.

But there is an interesting side effect of the language of ‘choice’ that comes as a result of this access. In previous generations pregnancy and raising children was more or less inevitable for women, but now for a couple of generations we’ve been able to get used to the idea that it is a choice whether or not to try to become pregnant and whether or not to keep a pregnancy and raise a family.

The way we talk about this ‘choice’ effects those women who struggle the most with pregnancy, childbirth and parenting.

When a woman in a stable relationship chooses to try to become pregnant, succeeds in a reasonable timeframe, has a healthy and more or less comfortable pregnancy, survives childbirth with minimal scarring and goes on to raise healthy, able-bodied, neuro-typical children, we celebrate her choice, even though most of those elements are down to luck more than judgement.

When a woman actively chooses not to have children, succeeds in avoiding pregnancy, and continues to feel she made the right choice by the time she is menopausal, we celebrate her choice. This is perhaps more sensible as most of the elements here are at least within the woman’s control!

When a woman chooses to become pregnant outside of a stable relationship, or outside of a very comfortable standard of living, and decides to keep the baby, we question her choice- it may be foolish or naive- and use this as a reason to withhold support.

When a woman suffers illness or injury during pregnancy, such as HG or SPD or gestational diabetes, or is simply too tired and achey and indegestion-y and hormonal to make it through the day, we remind her that pregnancy is a choice she made and so withhold sympathy and support.

When a woman suffers terrible birth injuries we remind her that pregnancy was her choice, and she should have accounted for these possibilities in making her choice.

When a child is not healthy, able-bodied or neuro-typical we remind the mother that no one obliged her to carry her children to term, that it is reasonable to abort if you feel unable to cope with caring for a disabled child (though not everyone has this ‘opportunity’) and that it is highly unfair to expect society to pick up the burden created by one woman’s reproductive choices. We use this as an excuse to withhold support and empathy.

So Aibu to think the language of ‘choice’ is not always helpful to women.

I saw a stupid meme on facebook about how women shouldnt dress in tight shorts at the gym because then its their fault if they get perved on by men. In my gym I see loads of men in tight shorts and I can guarantee if they got hit on by a gay man and objected to it, noone would tell them its their own fault for choosing to wearing tight cycling shorts. But with women?- totally their own fault due to their choice of clothing. Patriarchy.

Thanks @anythinginapinch, I think you are spot on about a protective response to that fear of being out of control. I wonder if the intensity of the need to maintain that illusion of control is behind some of the urge to blame ‘bad’ choices, reinforcing the preferred narrative?

For me, the illusion of control was so thoroughly revealed as an illusion that I am not interested in pretending any more.

@LolaMoon you said ‘Literally whatever women "choose" will garner judgment from society in general- you cant win. I dont think the dialogue around this is about the language of "choice", I think it involves a shift in attitudes towards the judgement of women in general and how that is influenced by the patriarchy.’

I think you’re right that women have always been judged, for any decision or outcome. I do think there is something unpleasant going on however, when women buy in to this concept of choice and use that language to judge each other. I wonder if there could be something powerful about saying ‘Actually these ‘choices’ are not really choices at all and we won’t play along with the judging game any more.’

@DorritLittle you’re right, there is something insidious about blame under the guise of support.

@AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman, I agree that disability brings a very difficult and emotional component into things. I'm sure it's influenced my views on abortion, for example, even though it's not the only factor.

My mother miscarried twins after me and before my sister. My sister was born with a severe learning disability. I know my mum blames herself for having another child after miscarriage (she feels that was a 'sign' she was too old) and for having a child past 40.

I'm very protective of my sister and so it makes me angry when people say that disability is a valid reason for abortion because it feels like they are saying she shouldn't be alive. I know that's not what they're saying, but that's the visceral, emotional response it triggers.

I have 2 children of my own now, one of whom was born with a medical condition. I was petrified through both pregnancies and even more so when my first child needed surgery as a baby.

So I guess this post is just to say I understand.

Thanks @bathsh3ba I appreciate that. I can understand how worried you must have felt during your pregnancies, and especially during the surgery for your eldest.

Sorry, I pressed post too soon. I wanted to say I know exactly what you mean about the visceral response to the abortion debate. As you see I feel it too!

I think our focus on autonomy, choice, independence etc also really affects the way we think about the value of a life such as your sister’s or my eldest’s after the baby is born. If we are supposed to prize autonomy above everything, how should we feel about a person whose ability to make independent decisions is severely compromised?

Your poor mum, I completely understand her instinct to blame herself. To look for reasons. Of course I can recognise that hers are not good reasons to blame herself, but I am not past that instinct for myself yet. As if we needed any help from outsiders criticising our choices!