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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What level of flirting by your DH/partner are you comfortable with?

123 replies

Mummysgogetter · 17/02/2023 11:33

Hi,

All the posts on here I have seen in the past week regarding “work-wife”, “DH texting colleague” etc. has made me wonder…. What are peoples comfort zones around their DH/partner flirting?
for myself I would find it disrespectful if my DH was openly flirting with someone at work that I knew for definite he found attractive. If he was having a harmless flirty joke with my friend and I knew neither of them were attracted to each other, then I wouldn’t car. But I’m just interested in where other peoples lines are?

OP posts:
Mummysgogetter · 17/02/2023 16:59

romany4 · 17/02/2023 16:20

My DH is 53, grey bearded, tatooed and Northern Irish.
He is naturally sparkly without even realising it. I see women go all gooey when he speaks. He doesn't flirt that I'm aware of
I would have a problem with him texting other women though

Hi @romany4,
what do you mean by naturally sparkly?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 17/02/2023 17:00

I flirt all the time, but it's very innocent - I don't know whether people's definitions of flirting can vary. Probably.

My husband knows I flirt, sees me do it, doesn't mind. He's not really a flirty person but I've seen him do it a few times, and I don't mind at all. We both know how committed we are to each other, so for me that's all that matters.

In the workplace, though? Never. It's not appropriate, imo.

Mummysgogetter · 17/02/2023 17:02

takealettermsjones · 17/02/2023 17:00

I flirt all the time, but it's very innocent - I don't know whether people's definitions of flirting can vary. Probably.

My husband knows I flirt, sees me do it, doesn't mind. He's not really a flirty person but I've seen him do it a few times, and I don't mind at all. We both know how committed we are to each other, so for me that's all that matters.

In the workplace, though? Never. It's not appropriate, imo.

What’s your definition of flirting @takealettermsjones ?

OP posts:
ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 17/02/2023 17:02

None.

HoboHotel · 17/02/2023 17:04

FetchezLaVache · 17/02/2023 12:31

Neither of us flirt with other people; I think I would find it hilarious if DP tried! He gets flirted with from time to time. It's quite endearing because he has no idea.

You do realise that he obviously does know. Right?

OoooohMatron · 17/02/2023 17:07

Zero. Luckily DH isn't a flirt. As for calling someone a 'work wife', no way would I tolerate that shit either.

Lndnmummy · 17/02/2023 17:07

Never heard the term work wife. No flirting is acceptable to me. That level of intimacy is reserved for the two of us surely. If not then what is the point? I very much doubt my husband would be ok with me flirting with others.

DoubleChocolateBrownies · 17/02/2023 17:11

None. But I’m not sure my DP knows how to flirt - the problem I would have is if someone flirted with him and he didn’t shut it down. & I’d be horrified if he had a ‘work wife’.

pompomdaisy · 17/02/2023 17:11

DH just doesn't flirt ever. I'm comfortable with that.

WiIson · 17/02/2023 17:12

None.

takealettermsjones · 17/02/2023 17:19

Mummysgogetter · 17/02/2023 17:02

What’s your definition of flirting @takealettermsjones ?

Off the top of my head, e.g. a man offered me a drink in a bar recently and I said no thanks but you can give me another one of those smiles. We laughed, had a chat for 2 mins and then moved on. It doesn't mean anything, for me anyway. I wouldn't make sexual comments or grope anyone!

CornedBeef451 · 17/02/2023 17:24

I loved it when DH had a work wife. She made sure he ate lunch and didn't get too drunk on work nights out, I miss her.

When another woman actually seemed interested in him at work he was quite unnerved and told me straight away, I scared her off with over friendliness and photos of our DCs.

So basically I think it varies.

statetrooperstacey · 17/02/2023 17:25

I’ve always thought the work wife / husband thing was about your ‘significant other’ at work? That was my understanding, has it been hijacked as shorthand for inappropriate behaviour ?
under my definition I am a work wife and have a work husband . I work in an office of 120 people ish but only work with the same man, every day, we work outside of the office together , he even knows when I’ve got my period as we even have to coordinate toilet stops ( often wilderness wees,) so there’s not much we don’t know about each other and our families!

MadMadMadamMim · 17/02/2023 17:27

None. It would be completely unlike him. He's cheerful and friendly with folks, whatever their age/sex/level of attractiveness. For him to be 'flirty' with someone would be a massive betrayal as it would be utterly out of character.

5128gap · 17/02/2023 17:27

None.
Unfortunately the vast majority of men who flirt outside of places where its the expected norm (single people in social venues) are a massive nuisance to the unfortunate women on the receiving end. At best they look a fool, at worst they make the women uncomfortable. The older they get the more likely that is to be the case.
I know one or two women who are indulgent of their Colin who is 'such a flirt! It's sooo funny, can't take him anywhere!' who are blissfully ignorant that his target market consider him a total creep. No way would I want my partner being that guy. So, its zero tolerance from me I'm afraid.

RealBecca · 17/02/2023 18:07

Anything genuine is my line. Even a flame emoji. It doesnt have to be cheating for it to make me think yuck. It's as big of a turn off as a man that doesnt shower.

Innocent innuendo workplace banter directly with another female who joking back is fine.

A man than makes a woman uncomfortable is a deal breaker.

RealBecca · 17/02/2023 18:09

statetrooperstacey · 17/02/2023 17:25

I’ve always thought the work wife / husband thing was about your ‘significant other’ at work? That was my understanding, has it been hijacked as shorthand for inappropriate behaviour ?
under my definition I am a work wife and have a work husband . I work in an office of 120 people ish but only work with the same man, every day, we work outside of the office together , he even knows when I’ve got my period as we even have to coordinate toilet stops ( often wilderness wees,) so there’s not much we don’t know about each other and our families!

Yeah same. A man or woman that is like a brother or sister is the definition of work husband and wife to me.

Biscuits1011 · 17/02/2023 18:11

None. Shouldn’t be flirty or overly friendly with anyone but me. Same for me.

FinallyHere · 17/02/2023 18:14

In my experience, it is the intention behind the interaction rather than the absolute words that decides whether any lines have been crossed.

Simple example, at work I am surrounded by young people, mostly 'boys' who are very proud of 'flirting' with the lovely baristas in the coffee shops.

Remembering names, asking how their day went, asking after plans for weekends and holidays is routine.

I ask the same questions because the largely female baristas are lovely people and coffee is the highlight of my day. I often say on my return from holiday that I have missed them or that the only thing bringing me back from holiday was them

My point is that I say the very same words, with very different intentions. They (my young colleagues) are hoping for a spark of interest in which case they would work up to asking the barista out. I am ... buying coffee in a break from work

The boundary DH and I agreed was that we would never say, write, message etc anything that we would feel embarrassed for the other to read or see. We are involved in partner dance scenes where it can be impossible to see whether 'anything' is happening simple by seeing or reading/hearing.

All very simple and no possibility for misunderstanding.

QuizzlyBears · 17/02/2023 18:15

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2023 11:57

Enough with this work wife/work husband bullshit. It's just a cover for inappropriate, unprofessional behaviour.

This! It’s disrespectful at best, hurtful and dishonest at worst. No thank you.

As for the flirting - zero. I’m married and we have an honest relationship with great communication and a lot of trust. I have too much respect to flirt with anyone else and that same respect is afforded back to me.

QuizzlyBears · 17/02/2023 18:15

TequilaNights · 17/02/2023 12:31

Absolutely none, work relationships and work talk, friendship not a problem.

Flirting? Get to fuck!

This sums up my thoughts exactly!

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 17/02/2023 18:21

DH is a flirt, as am I. We have a good laugh about it. I know my husband is devoted to me, and it's all just a laugh and I am devoted to him.

But we have full trust in each other and don't consider the second we're alone with people of the opposite sex a risk and an invite to cheating.

VioletaDelValle · 17/02/2023 18:23

I'd find it very disrespectful if my DH openly flirted with other women and I'd be furious if that involved sexual innuendos.

He works closely with a number of women and is friends with them and respects them hugely but he would find flirting crossing the line.

OriGanOver · 17/02/2023 19:21

Well I'm a woman and I'm a huge flirt! I love flirting/banter and apart from my ex I've always been with men who just found it funny. My exh did not find it funny and felt very insecure but I couldn't really help it. I'm a gregarious person and I like attention. I'd never actually flirt with someone I fancied though, that is the line for me.

wishing3 · 17/02/2023 19:23

None. Female friends no problem, flirting not okay for me!