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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

82 replies

whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 21:56

Can you please just read the following and let me know if I'm being unreasonable or not?

I have four children. DS4 is fathered by my new partner, after my divorce from the father of my other three children. This is DP's first baby.

Anyway. Our LO has never slept properly and I'm exhausted. This has been brought about by DPs insistence that he sleeps in the bed between us. I breastfeed him anywhere between 3 and 10 times a night and sleep on a tiny slither of bed. I can't put my arms in the bed sometimes because there's no room so I either dangle them over the side or sleep like I'm in a coffin with my arms across my chest. 😆 My back and neck is killing me and I'm sick of this situation now but making the best of it and DPs wishes.

Anyway, tonight I put baby to bed after he fell asleep in my arms BFing. He wakes as a lay him down in his cot (he only ever sleeps in there until we go to bed, then it's straight in between us) and starts to scream. I calm him, lay him down and leave. Ten minutes later I repeat.
I'm knackered to ask DP to go up after another 10 minutes had elapsed whilst I run down to the laundry room and sort some washing. Anyway...DP emerges with DS in his arms. He's 'worried he's scared'. I get that, but ffs! When will this nightmare end? What is DS learning if every time he kicks off during the night Mummy comes along with her tits and fixes it. I'm so fed up. AITA?

OP posts:
CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 16/02/2023 21:59

If your partner wants the baby in bed with him, that’s fine. Leave baby in bed with him and you sleep elsewhere. He can come and bring baby to you if it needs fed through the night.

Hankunamatata · 16/02/2023 21:59

I'm all for co sleeping but isn't between the two of you a bit high risk?

Keyansier · 16/02/2023 22:00

My only question is: Why are you putting so much faith and concern to someone's viewpoint of their first baby when it's your fourth? Isn't there a special saying on here: Precious First Born. This sounds like that, from your partner.

Hankunamatata · 16/02/2023 22:00

How old is baby?

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 16/02/2023 22:01

I'm not sure anyone is in the wrong as such but if you are breastfeeding any decisions regarding feeding should ultimately rest with you so you have to do what is right for you.

Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 22:03

Hankunamatata · 16/02/2023 22:00

How old is baby?

Argh! Sorry, I forgot to say! It's kind of essential to my post too. DS is now 14 months!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 16/02/2023 22:12

The co sleeping needs rethinking. We (as a family norm) co sleep, but that's so we get a full, comfortable night's sleep. That isn't happening for either of you. You have to take the lead, it's your fourth, as said, his first. I'd start with you sleeping somewhere else and night weaning. Perhaps a maximum of one feed during the night, but only if absolutely necessary. It needs planning out because you are all going to be exhausted while it's going on.

Hankunamatata · 16/02/2023 22:16

Night wean. I needed my sanity and bed back when I got to that age

pictoosh · 16/02/2023 22:17

CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 16/02/2023 21:59

If your partner wants the baby in bed with him, that’s fine. Leave baby in bed with him and you sleep elsewhere. He can come and bring baby to you if it needs fed through the night.

Sounds good to me.

Lemonspy · 16/02/2023 22:17

14 months! This is madness! Absolutely this is not working for you and things need to change, it’s not about what works for him if you’re the one suffering all the consequences!

Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 22:18

I coslept with my first three DC for 6 months and then after that they were in a cot in our room until 12 months, never coming back in to the bed again. And then on to their own room at a year. I just can't get DP to understand that I'm struggling with this situation and I need his help and support.

OP posts:
jannier · 16/02/2023 22:19

Have you seen the latest advice on safer sleep from the Lullaby Trust?

jannier · 16/02/2023 22:22

Current Advice to reduce SIDS risk.

Who is in the wrong here?
Hercisback · 16/02/2023 22:23

14 months, fuck that.

Own room and cot asap.

CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 16/02/2023 22:24

jannier · 16/02/2023 22:22

Current Advice to reduce SIDS risk.

Baby isn’t a baby - they are 14 months.

Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 22:28

jannier · 16/02/2023 22:19

Have you seen the latest advice on safer sleep from the Lullaby Trust?

Yeah, I don't concur. Other nations cosleep as the norm and I've done it a number of times successfully.

OP posts:
2crossedout1 · 16/02/2023 22:28

This is crazy OP. You're exhausted. I think you need to put your foot down.

ChatInMyFlat · 16/02/2023 22:30

Go and sleep somewhere else and let him co-sleep.

Also, night wean.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/02/2023 22:36

whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 22:28

Yeah, I don't concur. Other nations cosleep as the norm and I've done it a number of times successfully.

Show quote history

Nowhere that I can think of co-sleep with the child in the middle.

And I did a lot of research with my youngest because co-sleeping was a sanity saver, but I had to defend it a lot to various HCPs involved in her medical
care.

Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 22:37

But how do even go about night weaning now, logistically? It's entrenched in DS that during the night he screams and we bring him to bed where he gets milk on tap. Without DP being on the same page as me I've got no hope.
When he brought DS downstairs earlier tonight and I was angry that he did that, he sat on the sofa cuddling DS whilst he screamed. He then said to DS 'I'm sorry buddy, you're not getting it' meaning boob. Which made me feel like shit, like I'm denying my son what he wants just because I'm a bitch.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 16/02/2023 22:39

Surely you realise too that he only feeds 3 to 10 times a night because he is in with you.

Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 22:39

Just to clarify....DS was not between us during the early months. He was at the side, with me in the middle of the bed. We put our bed frame in the garage and had the mattress on the floor against a wall. At 6 months of age we rebuilt the bed and he has been between us since. ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 22:40

SeasonFinale · 16/02/2023 22:39

Surely you realise too that he only feeds 3 to 10 times a night because he is in with you.

Yes, of course I do! Which is why I want to get his sleeping independently. But how can you do that when you DP panders to the baby's every whim?

OP posts:
xyz111 · 16/02/2023 22:44

Have you considered stopping breastfeeding? 14 months of not sleeping!!

WeepingSomnambulist · 16/02/2023 22:45

You have a conversation like an adult and tell him that you're not doing it anymore.